Irreverent comments aside, the point I'm getting at is that I was too busy doing weird stupid shit all day to find the time to properly focus on the reading, so I apologize if I leave out interesting bits or don't write a lot. This is a lengthy project. I have not been as meticulous with it over the past few days as I wish I had been. Oh well. According to Jesus, you're supposed to forgive me!
Chapter 13 kicks off with Jesus healing a woman who has a "disabling spirit." I love the phrasing, it just seems so politically correct. She's not a LEPER or a CRIPPLE, she just has a DISABILITY.
The Pharisees give him shit for healing on the Sabbath, but Jesus tells them to piss off. He then announces that he has to head out for Jerusalem, since, "it cannot be that a prophet should perish away from [there]" (Luke 13:33).
I can't get over how freaking intense it is! In her poem, Suicide Note, Anne Sexton alludes to the incident:
Once upon a timeIt is just such a strange thing to fathom! Who goes looking for death?
my hunger was for Jesus.
O my hunger! My hunger!
Before he grew old
he rode calmly into Jerusalem
in search of death.
Anyway, on the road to Jerusalem he keeps on a-preachin' and a-healin', telling the people that they should humble themselves and be good and so on and so forth. He mentions that if you have a dinner party you should invite deadbeats and losers instead of your friends, since your friends can repay you but the bums can't. Well, okay. Whatever you say, Jesus.
He also acts like a total asshole here and says that, "if anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:26-27). Geez Louise! For a guy who has come to be synonymous with "family values," he sure does hate families. He totally spurns his own, and tries to get other people to do the same. I guess Jesus probably eats Thanksgiving dinner alone and pretends to be Anne Frank too.
These chapters also contain some pretty famous parables, some of which I'll share. The parable of the lost sheep and the parable of the lost coin are basically synonymous, but I preferred the latter because it is phrased in a more amusing way. A woman has ten coins and loses one; Jesus asks, "Does [she] not light a lamp and sweep the house and seek diligently until she finds it? And when she has found it, she calls together her friends and neighbors, saying, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found the coin that I had lost!'" (Luke 15:8-9). Could you imagine if your friend called you up because they'd found a quarter they lost and asked you to celebrate with them? It's pretty funny.
This chapter also contains the return of the prodigal son, which you must know but I'll tell you anyway. A man has two sons, one of whom demands his inheritance and a young age and subsequently squanders it. Impoverished, he decides to go home and ask his father to work as a servant, since he is unworthy to be called the man's son. The father, however, is overjoyed that his son who "was dead... is alive again" (Luke 15:24) and welcomes him back into the house. The well-behaved son complains about this, but the dad just tells him to SHUT UP.
It's a nice story! And apparently this is how God responds to sinners who repent, which is good to know.
In chapter 16 Jesus talks about how a person's decisions in small matters reflects their greater character: "One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much, and one who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much" (Luke 16:10). He eventually concludes that a person cannot serve two masters, and must choose between God and money.
We also have a pretty scary account about a rich man and a guy named Lazarus. Lazarus is a total loser, poor and covered in sores, and he lives at the edge of the rich man's property. The rich man blows him off, but when they both die Lazarus goes to heaven and the rich man goes to hell. He begs for help but none is granted. He then asks if he can be resurrected to warn his brothers, but God replies, "If they do not hear Moses and the Prophets, neither will they be convinced if someone should rise from the dead" (Luke 16:31). Yeah, spooky ghosts are definitely not as convincing as BOOKS WRITTEN BY DEAD GUYS. What the fuck, man.
Chapters 17 and 18 don't have a lot of new stuff... Then chapter 19 contains a pretty weird story about a tax collector named Zacchaeus, who runs to see Jesus and has to climb up a tree because he's so short. Jesus sees him and tells him to get out of the tree so they can have a SLEEPOVER, and when the Pharisees see it they get all whiny because Zacchaeus is a sinner. Zacchaeus explains that he's started giving half of his stuff to the poor, however, so Jesus decides he's an okay guy!
It is interesting to note that the people seemed to think the "Kingdom of God" was coming sooner rather than later; the author remarks that Jesus "proceeded to tell another parable, because he was near to Jerusalem, and because [the people] supposed that the kingdom of God was to appear immediately" (Luke 19:11).
Jesus has his "triumphant" entry into Jerusalem, this time riding a colt instead of a donkey -- I think they're basically interchangeable, although Luke doesn't mention the bit about a donkey representing peace while a horse represents war. The Pharisees tell Jesus to rebuke his disciples when they call him the king, but Jesus gives a snarky response: "I tell you, if these were silent, the very stones would cry out" (Luke 19:40). Somebody has an ego!
The rest of the reading is stuff we already saw in Matthew and Mark: Jesus goes all Axl Rose and fucks up the temple, tells parables, talks to the Sadducees about resurrection, responds to the Pharisees who challenge his authority, describes the end of days... The norm. Tomorrow we finish Luke and start John, which is not a synoptic Gospel and should be very interesting! Until then, later gators.
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