Today we wrap up Matthew and start Mark, which seems so far to be nothing more than the condensed version of Matthew with a few fun flourishes. Onward!
When we left Jesus yesterday, he had just fucked up the temple and was preaching to the people, to the disgust of the priests and Pharisees. He continues his anti-Pharisee campaign today by declaring seven "woes" onto them: "You are like whitewashed tombs," he sneers, "which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and uncleanness" (Matthew 23:27). Just keep making them love you, Jesus!
Chapter 24 tells us all about the apocalypse, which Jesus explains will be preceded by lots of war, famine, and general violence. To the apostles he warns, "They will deliver you up to tribulation and put you to death, and you will be hated by all nations for my name's sake" (Matthew 24:9), at which point the chosen twelve start to really regret that they didn't read the fine print before clicking "agree to go with Jesus." It's not all bad, though; after the so-called "birth pains," the new order will emerge, and everything will be just dandy. Jesus can't exactly give us a date on when this is happening, but bids that we "stay awake... for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect" (Matthew 24:42-44). I've said it before, and I'll say it again: any day now!
Chapter 25 expands on this theme, giving us two parables. The first of these -- the parable of the ten virgins -- is pretty weird, so I'll share it. Ten virgins are preparing for their super fun group wedding (?!) and all go to wait for the bridegroom with lamps. Because five of the virgins are "wise" they bring oil for their lamps, but the other five are dumb and forget. They have to go buy oil, and during that time the five smart virgins are invited into the chamber of the bridegroom. When the dumb virgins knock on the door, the bridegroom tells them to go away because he doesn't know them.
In other words, BE PREPARED, because the bridegroom/Jesus might come at any moment and you want to get in on this steamy action. Also, polygamy ROCKS!
Jesus goes onto discuss the final judgment, when the righteous will be separated from the wicked. The "King" will welcome the righteous into heaven, telling them, "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me" (Matthew 25:35-36). The righteous respond along the lines of, "Thanks dude but when did we do that?" at which point God tells them that "As you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me" (Matthew 25:40).
That's really nice! I like that!
While the High Priest, Caiaphas, schemes with his pals about how to kill Jesus, our messianic protagonist goes to a leper's house in Bethany to spend the night. While he's reclining at the table, a woman dumps a bunch of expensive ointment on his head, which totally pisses off the apostles. They start whining that the ointments should have been sold and the money given to the poor, but Jesus tells them to shut up because "you always have the poor with you, but you will not always have me. In pouring this ointment on my body, [the woman] has done it to prepare me for burial" (Matthew 26:11-12).
Aaagghh!! So eerie!
Perhaps Judas doesn't buy this, because he sneaks off to the priestly residence and asks how much they'll pay him if he betrays Jesus. They give him thirty pieces of silver and he scampers off. I'm not really sure what thirty pieces of silver were worth -- I googled it and someone was claiming that it was equivalent to $600 US dollars "because of inflation," are you joking?!! -- but I guess the monetary value is mostly irrelevant. The point is that Judas is a JERK.
Like the mooches they are, Jesus and his friends crash at someone else's house for Passover, Jesus's last meal before his death. While everyone else is enjoying their matzo ball soup, Jesus puts a total damper on the mood once again by predicting that one of his apostles will betray him. In turns, each man asks if it will be him, INCLUDING JUDAS. Dude, don't you already know?! Jesus says something along the lines of, "Um, DUH," and they move on.
After this possibly awkward discussion, Jesus institutes the Eucharist or Lord's Supper, a rite still practiced today. He breaks bread and passes it among the apostles, telling them that it's his body, then pours them wine and says that it is his blood. What is this, the freakin' Donner Party? I bet Jesus was one of those kids who didn't buy any food for his wagon party on Oregon Trail.
Jesus then tells his apostles that they will "fall away" during the night, but Peter swears his allegiance, saying, "Even if I must die with you, I will not deny you!" (Matthew 26:35). Jesus lets him know that, "Uhh, actually Peter, you're going to deny me three times." Oops.
After the meal the apostles snooze and Jesus goes to pray in the Garden of Gethsemane; he is a little bummed out about having to die, but agrees to conform with God's will. After a bit, a huge, armed crowd appears and Judas emerges from them and greets Jesus with a nice friendly kiss. If you're anything like me, you might have taken this as an indication that they are in fact GAY LOVERS, but don't get your hopes up. It's actually a kiss of betrayal; this was the sign Judas devised to indicate which man was Jesus. I'm actually not sure why it wasn't OBVIOUS which man was Jesus, but hey, what are you going to do? Let's just roll with it.
Like a boss, Jesus just tells Judas, "Friend, do what you came to do" (Matthew 26:50).
God, isn't this story a train wreck? Isn't it the saddest thing ever? TELL ME, IS YOUR HEART BREAKING TOO?
To me, the relationship between Jesus and Judas poses one of the greatest moral dilemmas in the bible -- both because Judas's role actually was necessary to fulfill the Old Testament prophecies, and we don't have any real information about why he did it. Furthermore, if Jesus knew this was coming, why didn't he intervene? There's a great play by Steven Adly Guirgis called The Last Days of Judas Iscariot which touches on all these issues, but for now I'll just share one particular line. The play is a courtroom drama, taking place in Purgatory, and Judas Iscariot's lawyer is discussing this exchange between Jesus and Judas with Simon the Zealot. "Sounds like Jesus approved," she says. Simon shrugs.
"But if you were Judas, Simon, and 'doing what you had to do' ended up getting you thrown into despair and hanging from a tree and then sent to hell to lie in misery and infamy in perpetuity -- if you were Judas -- wouldn't you have kinda wished that Jesus had maybe said something else instead? Would it kind of make you feel like you got fucked?"
Indeed!
A minor scene ensues, with one of the apostles chopping off a soldier's ear, but Jesus is disgusted by the debacle and tells everyone to chill the fuck out: "Have you come out as against a robber, with swords and clubs to capture me? Day after day I sat in the temple teaching, and you did not seize me" (Matthew 26:55).
He goes peaceably with the authorities to his trial, where he is first interrogated by the High Priests. For the most part he refuses to answer their questions, although when asked if he is the Christ he manages a brief response: "You have said so. But I tell you, from now on you will see the Son of Man seated at the right hand of Power and coming on the clouds of heaven" (Matthew 26:56). This is enough to get him condemned for blasphemy and shipped off to Pilate, the Roman Governor. Meanwhile, Peter inadvertently fulfills Jesus's prediction by denying him three times. Some rock!
When Judas realizes that Jesus is going to get killed, he is filled with remorse and tries to give back the thirty pieces of silver, saying that he has sinned. The priests say something along the lines of, "Whatever dude, that's not our problem," which is evidently not what Judas wanted to hear, because he throws the money on the ground and goes to hang himself. Oh god. This really is the saddest story EVER. And here's another question that we might raise: what was Judas's great sin? Betraying Jesus to the Romans -- or succumbing to despair, and perhaps believing that Jesus would not be willing to forgive him?
IF WE DON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS SOON I'M GOING TO SUCCUMB TO DESPAIR!!! GOD IT'S SO DEPRESSING.
Meanwhile, Jesus's trial with Pilate goes basically the same as the first one with the priests; he refuses to answer anything, but Pilate does not find him altogether offensive. At the urging of his wife, Pilate presents the people with Jesus and another criminal, named Barabbas, and tells them they can choose one to go free. Although Barabbas is a "notorious prisoner" (Matthew 27:16), the crowd chooses him and calls for Jesus to be crucified. Geez. Aren't these the same people who were cheering and waving palm leaves for Jesus like two days ago?
Pilate seems to think that everyone is being ridiculous, because he literally and metaphorically washes his hands to symbolize his lack of involvement in Jesus's death. Well, okay. After the verdict is read, everyone is a total asshole to Jesus: mocking him, spitting on him, and, you know, nailing him to that cross and everything. Despite having super cool magical messiah powers, Jesus definitely doesn't have too much fun up on the cross; at one point he calls out "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" which translates to, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46). And... then he dies. This spectacle is watched by a woman named Mary Magdelene, as well as James's and John's mother, who is also named Mary. Did we mention that Jesus's mom is named Mary too? What the fuck, man! This makes "Herodias" seem almost inspired.
After Jesus' death, one of his disciples -- a man named Joseph -- asks the Romans for his body and builds a tomb for him, with the help of the two Marys. The Romans employ a guard of soldiers to watch the tomb for three days, ensuring that no one steals Jesus's body and claims that he was resurrected -- but Roman soldiers are no match for MESSIAH MAN! On the third morning, the two Marys go on a stroll and encounter an angel, who scares the guards to death and opens the tomb, which is empty. Mary and Mary run to tell the apostles, and on their way they meet Jesus, who greets them as if nothing has happened. Everyone is super psyched -- except for the priests and Romans, who console themselves by circulating rumors that Jesus's body was stolen while the guards slept -- and Jesus tells his apostles to spread the word of his resurrection. What a happy ending! Hooray!
Am I the only one who is still totally bummed out? This wasn't a freakin' ending, it was deus ex machina bullshit that didn't even resolve anything. What happens to Judas? Poor baby!
Our next book is Mark, which is the oldest gospel, dating back to around 70 CE. Presumably, Matthew and Luke took a lot of their foundational material from Mark and elaborated on it, so Mark is correspondingly much briefer and unadorned. I don't feel that it's necessary to provide extensive details on what I read, since it's basically the same as Matthew, but there are a few small things I want to remark upon.
First, Mark makes no reference to Bethlehem; Jesus is a Nazarene, through and through. The conflicting evidence in all four gospels suggests that Jesus's birth in Bethlehem was most likely invented.
Chapter 2 contains one of the stories where Jesus heals a paralytic, although Mark seriously improves on Matthew's version. Here, Jesus is performing his miracles in a house, and since the doorway is so crowded, the paralytic's friends REMOVE THE ROOF and lower him in! Hah!
We also get one more reference to Jesus's strained relationship with his family. While preaching in Nazareth, his family goes "out to seize him, for they were saying, 'He is out of his mind'" (Mark 3:21).
Hopefully tomorrow's entry will be briefer, since I have a feeling Mark is going to contain mostly recycled material. Until then!
No comments:
Post a Comment