Coda

I always meant to write a conclusion to this project, but somehow I forgot all about it after I finished it up and was bombarded with a bunch of stupid finals. However, this morning I came across THIS charming picture --

-- and was reminded that, oh yeah! Many moons ago, I used to blog about the bible, and I never really wrapped things up.

First off, I owe a huge thank you to everyone who read this blog, whether it was the whole thing or just a couple of entries. I realized about halfway through that writing the blog was a huge part of what motivated me to finish the project. Although we never went viral and surpassed Rebecca Black's Friday video in popularity, as was the dream, just knowing that a handful of people were interested in what I had to say gave me a warm fuzzy feeling and convinced me that quitting on this project was not an option. So give yourselves a round of applause, humble readership! Pour yourself a drink! This noble experiment could not exist without you!

I began this project without any serious goals other than completing it, and with that in consideration, I think I learned a lot. For every mind-numbingly boring passage I endured, there were others that were funny, intriguing, and even emotional or sad, and I'm grateful for my enriched familiarity with biblical lore. It has also become clear to me that reading the bible only scratches the surface of Judaism and Christianity, which are both complex and intricate religions. One day in the WAY DISTANT future I would like to tackle some rabbinic texts, and maybe the Apocrypha as well.

Anyway, I can't think of much else to say. Happy winter holidays everyone! We are in the midst of Hannukah (I made latkes), Christmas is two days away, KWANZAA is a mere three days away -- and TODAY is Festivus, for the rest of us. These are exciting times.

To conclude this blog, I'd like to share my favorite quote about religion. It comes from Harriet Beecher Stowe's novel Uncle Tom's Cabin. Enjoy, friends.

"'Religion!' said St. Clare, in a tone that made both ladies look at him. 'Religion! Is what you hear at church religion? Is that which can bend and turn, and descend and ascend, to fit every crooked phase of selfish, worldly society, religion? Is that religion which is less scrupulous, less generous, less just, less considerate for man, than my own ungodly, worldly, blinded nature? No! When I look for a religion, I must look for something above me, and not something beneath.'"

 Chew your cud on that! Until next time, adios amigos. 

Day 90, Revelations 6-22

Well, WE FUCKING DID IT! Do you like how I include you in this, saying "we" even though I've done literally all the work? Whatever. I'm too elated to care right now. IT'S OVER! IT'S DONE! THE BIBLE IS READ!

In the next few days I will attempt to write something conclusive, a sort of coda for this project, but right now I'm just going to give you a good old fashioned entry. Revelations is an INSANE FREAKING BOOK and deserves some attention.

When we left yesterday, Zombie Jesus Lamb had just appeared from nowhere and was preparing to open up the seven seals. Upon opening the first four, different colored horses appear, each whom symbolize a different element of the earth's impending destruction. The fifth seal causes martyrs to appear under the altar... okay... And the sixth seal causes a big stinkin' EARTHQUAKE! The imagery is totally insane, with "stars of the sky [falling] to the earth...[and] the sky [vanishing] like a scroll that is being rolled up" (Revelations 6:13-14). How cool is that?

In chapter 7, 144,000 people are chosen -- or "sealed," since we seem to really love that word -- to be servants of God, and then the multitudes line up in front of God's throne. Then the seventh seal is opened, at which point all hell truly breaks loose; there are "peals of thunder, rumblings, flashes of lighting, and an earthquake" (Revelations 8:5). Seven angels blow trumpets in succession, each of which causes people to die in different gruesome ways; through this "first woe," a third of earth's population is killed.

The imagery in Revelations, as I've already said, is so damn cool. John must have taken a ton of LSD before he wrote this. In chapter 10, an angel "wrapped in a cloud, with a rainbow over his head, and [a] face like the sun, and his legs like pillars of fire" (Revelations 10:1) gives John a little book, which he instructs him to EAT, then scamper off and make more prophecies. Like the good Christian soldier he is, John consents, noting that the book tasted GREAT but didn't agree with his tummy.

John goes off to measure the altar in the temple -- because when in doubt, measure stuff -- and while he is on his way over, the second "woe" occurs. The seventh angel blows his trumpet and voices declare that "the kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of his Christ" (Revelations 11:15), and God's "temple" in heaven is opened.

In chapter 12, "a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars" gives birth to a son, but a dragon appears in the sky and tries to eat him. Fortunately, both of them escape, the child going to God and the woman fleeing into the wilderness. Meanwhile, the angels wage war against the dragon, who we find out is named Satan! He is thrown from the heavens to earth along with his pals, where he pursues the woman, but she sprouts wings and is able to escape. The dragon gets so pissed that he decides to wage war with the rest of humankind.

Chapter 13 gives us a nifty description of two of Satan's evil monster pals, then in chapter 14 the narrative shifts back to our friend THE LAMB, who is standing on Mount Zion with the redeemed people. Some angels flutter around telling people to worship God and not Satan, although I have to say that if I was faced with a choice between a cool red dragon and a scary seven-eyed lamb, I'd probably go with the former. Satan sounds like Charizard!

After this, the angels decide that they haven't caused enough havoc, and drop seven golden bowls onto the earth. These cause seven more horrific plagues, the third "woe."

While all this is going on, John goes for a pleasant stroll on the beach and sees a prostitute. At first he's like, "Whoa, look! A prostitute!" but an angel says to him, "Why do you marvel? I will tell you the mystery of this woman, and of the beast with seven heads and ten horns that carries her" (Revelations 17:7). The prostitute apparently represents Babylon, and each of her attributes are some symbol of earthly sin. In chapter 18, Babylon is destroyed, and everyone is super bummed.

They get over it quickly, however, and chapter 19 is devoted to praising God, who "has judged the great prostitute who corrupted the earth with her immorality" (Revelations 19:2). Hooray! All is well! John's angel friend tells him, "Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb" (Revelations 19:9). In his enthusiasm and fervor, John starts to worship the angel, but the angel is like, "Dude, cut it out, I'm just a servant of God too you know." They are spared any kind of awkward aftermath, because at this point a white horse appears and throws some monsters into a lake!

This is a great story!

Anyway, Satan gets tied up for a thousand years, during which Jesus reigns happily. After the thousand years, Satan is released and tries to fight, but his efforts are in vain and he is thrown into a lake of sulfur and fire. It is noted that, "if anyone's name [is] not found written in the book of life, he [is] thrown into the lake of fire" (Revelations 20:15).

I guess this refers to JEWS and HOMOSEXUALS, among others.

Chapter 21 gives us a dazzling description of the new heaven, new earth, and new Jerusalem, which radiates "like a most rare jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal... [and] has no need of sun or moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb" (Revelations 21:11-22).

The LAST CHAPTER of the whole freakin' bible tells us to get psyched, because Jesus ordained all this stuff and it's going to happen any day now: "Behold, I am coming soon," Jesus says. "Blessed is the one who keeps the words off the prophecy of this book" (Revelations 22:7).

Wow. Golly gee. That was quite the tale! I suspect it will take me a little while to process all that I read. For the time being...

LET'S PARTY!!!!

Day 89, 2 Peter, 1, 2, 3 John, Jude, Revelations 1-5

Oh geez, it's day EIGHTY NINE! One day left! Holy shit!

We've got six books today, which I think is our all time record. Most of them are pretty short and boring, so let's blow right on through this penultimate day of bible blogging!

Peter's second epistle is so darn different from his first epistle that most scholars suggest it was written by a later church figure around 150 CE. It deals loosely with the apocalypse, predicting the "glorious return of Christ," and has a lot of crossover with the letter of Jude, which we'll get to later.

Next up is John's first epistle, which my study bible explains is not so much a letter as a "tract" written to counter heretics who denied that Jesus's "incarnation" was real. It is presumed to have been written in Ephesus circa 95-110 CE. This letter has some nice stuff in it; the author talks a lot about LOVE and how gosh darn important it is: ""Whoever does not love abides in death," the author writes (1 John 3:14). YOU HEAR THAT, VOLDEMORT? Your horcruxes are nothing without LOVE!!!

Do I talk about Harry Potter too much in this blog? I guess I'm just psyched about FINISHING IT for the millionth time. Oh boy.

Anyway, John continues to lay on the hippie dippie crap about how God IS love, and that loving is synonymous with believing in God, yada, yada, yada. There's a nice little line in chapter 4 that rang a bell for me -- I think it must be pretty well known, although I don't know where I heard it: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he loved us first" (1 John 4:18-19). Aaaawww. I wanna cry! Who has a tissue?

John's next two letters are really freakin' short, taking up only a page each. The second letter is written by a man called "the Elder" to a specific Christian community, warning them to beware of heretics who deny Jesus. The third letter is also written by the Elder, this time to his pal Gaius, asking him to provide hospitality to a group of Emissaries.

The "Elder" is such a cool alias. Wasn't there a KISS album about him? There totally was! It was their "concept" album. God, what a great band.

 

How do I know shit like this?  Don't I continually shock you with my bizarre inventory of really embarrassing knowledge?

Second to last is the letter of Jude, who directed his thoughts to all Christians rather than a specific congregation. How inclusive! His purpose in writing is to urge Christians to defend their faith against false teaching. As incentive he reminds us of historical wrongdoers, like the citizens of Sodom and Gomorrah, who were subjected to "a punishment of eternal fire" (Jude 1:7).

Finally, we arrive at the LAST BOOK OF THE BIBLE! Revelations -- or, the Revelation of John -- is an apocalyptic work written by the prophet John, presumably during the reign of Domitian (81-96 CE). Influenced by Old Testament works like Daniel, Isaiah, Zechariah, and particularly Ezekiel, it encourages Christians to stay devoted to their religion in the face of persecution. And it's pretty fucking surreal.

Revelations opens with a foreward and greeting, like most of the stuff we've read lately, then dives into the thrilling story of John's vision and commission. One day he was chilling on the island of Patmos, where he was preaching Christian doctrine to the people, and Jesus appeared to him, "clothed with a long robe and with a golden sash around his chest. The hairs of his head were white, like white wool, like snow. His eyes were like a flame of fire, his feet were like burnished bronze, refined in a furnace, and his voice was like the roar of many waters" (Revelations 1:13-15). That is such a badass description I don't even know what to say. Like any respectable Christian soldier, John collapses upon having the vision, but Jesus tells him to stop being a pussy and to write down everything he says, because it's important, gosh darnit!

The next two chapters contain seven letters to seven different churches, all of whom receive specific praises and admonishment. If I wasn't lazy, and thought it might interest you, I would explain this in more detail, but unfortunately I'm way too DGAF for such matters. Chapter 4 contains John's vision of heaven, where he sees God chilling on a giant throne surrounded by twenty-four elders and weird winged monsters, who "unceasingly... sing, 'Holy, holy, holy is God the sovereign Lord of all, who was, and is, and is to come!" (Revelations 4:8). They do this ALL DAY? Doesn't that get annoying?!

Anyway, John sees a scroll sitting next to God, and the angels start to debate who is worthy to open it. They can't think of anyone, and John starts to cry, but then one of the elders tells him to shut up because look who's coming! John wipes his tears away and sees a Zombie Lamb with seven horns and seven eyes take the scroll. All the elders bow down to him and sing a song about how great he is.

God, this is weird! This is even weirder than the scene in Tommy when his mom throws a champagne bottle at the TV and baked beans start pouring out. Anyway, what will the scroll contain? No one knows! Come back tomorrow for the final entry to find out.

Day 88, Hebrews 9-13, James, 1 Peter

God, I am the worst person. I was so determined to wake up early and study for finals, so of course I've spent all day eating peanut butter out of the jar. I also have this really weird but good unpasteurized honey. What does it mean for something to be unpasteurized? I hope that doesn't mean I'm going to get Mad Cow Disease or something.

Doesn't it seem like this sort of thing happens A LOT?

I tell myself that reading the bible counts as being productive but it totally doesn't. Ugh.

ANYWAY, we left off in the middle of Hebrews, so let's wrap that up. The author keeps going on about the whole "Jesus as high priest" idea, explaining in chapter 9 that -- contrary to my earlier beliefs -- Zombie Jesus will not be relegated to the temple, destined to spend his days sacrificing goats and rams. Rather, he sacrificed himself, which I guess nullifies the animal sacrifices that all those wacky Jews were still making all the time. "For if the blood of goats and bulls," the author writes, "sanctify for the purification of the flesh, how much more will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without blemish to God, purify our conscience from dead works to serve the living God" (Hebrews 9:13-14).

On a semi-related note, I've been listening to Harry Potter on my ipod and I'm almost done... Voldemort just killed him in the Forbidden Forest, which got me thinking, it's the same freakin' story! Whenever these apostles talk about Jesus's sacrifice I envision a noseless Pontius Pilate grabbing Jesus's face and going, "Ah... The Boy Who Lived... come to die..."

Do you do this too? Well you should!!

Anyway, the author of Hebrews also talks a bit about the role of faith in Christian theology. In chapter 11, he (OR SHE!!! OR "ZIE" IN CASE THIS BIBLICAL AUTHOR HAPPENS TO HAVE BEEN TRANSGENDERED!! I AM VERY POLITICALLY CORRECT!!) cites countless instances from the Old Testament where the characters acted out of faith, arguing that this was the most important virtue in the stories.

Next up we have the letter OF James (not to James), traditionally ascribed to none other than Jesus's little brother! If it is actually written by him, we can presume it was penned circa 60 CE, although if not, it's a bit harder to date. Some scholars believe that this was originally a Jewish text that was Christianized later on. In his letter, James concerns himself with errant sinners, urging them to BEHAVE THEMSELVES.

James's four central concerns are partiality, the need for works along with faith, the danger of loose talk, and the sins of the rich. If I didn't know better, I might say that James was a dirty, stinkin' red! In chapter 2 he urges his readers to "show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ" (James 2:1), explaining that if they encounter a rich man and a poor man, they should not treat the rich man preferably. But, damnit James, I hate poor people! They stink, they're lazy, and they just want to sit on their asses and exploit us hard-working rich folk. Am I right? Of course I'm right.

James would disagree with my mom-and-apple-pie-bleedin'-red-white-and-blue attitude, however, saying, "Come now, you rich, weep and howl for the miseries that are coming upon you... You have fattened your hearts in a day of slaughter. You have condemned and murdered the righteous person" (James 5:1-6).

That's capitalism, baby! Get with the program! AMERICA!!! LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT!!!

James gives assorted other warnings, such as not to be arrogant and -- perhaps most interestingly -- not to proclaim faith if you're not willing to do good deeds to back it up: "If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Go in peace, be warmed and filled,' without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?" (James 3:15-16).

If this kind of thing interests you, make sure you read it all now, because we're about to blacklist this guy and have him deported.

To wrap things up, James also explains that PRAYER is the answer to all problems! And if it doesn't work, it just means that YOU'RE NOT PRAYING HARD ENOUGH!

Good to know!

Last but not least is the first epistle of Peter, purportedly written by ol' Rock-head himself. If this is the case, it was probably penned circa 64 CE, and reflects the religious climate under Emperor Nero's reign, when he persecuted Christians. It might have also been written by an anonymous Christian author during the reign of Domitian (81-96 CE) or Trajan (98-117 CE). It bids that good Christians remain obedient, steadfast in their faith, and submit to suffering, because it's all going to be AWESOME later on! Don't you worry your pretty little head.

Okay. That's enough for today. I'm going to ACTUALLY STUDY NOW, and by actually study I mean bake zucchini bread.

Day 87, 1 & 2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon, Hebrews 1-8

We've got FIVE BOOKS to discuss today. FIVE of 'em! Gee whiz. Let's get crackin'.

The epistles to Timothy and Titus are grouped together as the "Pastoral Epistles" because they address "pastoral oversight" of the church. There is also some controversy as to whether or not Paul really wrote them, since they differ stylistically from his other, authenticated letters, and the timeline he provides does not correspond with the one in Acts. Because of this, they are a little hard to date, but scholars generally agree that if he did write them, it was probably towards the end of his ministry (circa 62-67 CE) and if he didn't, they were written at some point between the late 1st century and the early 2nd century. Sounds good to me!

Timothy, as you may remember from Acts, is one of Paul's close pals, and the content of this letter mostly centers around how the church should be run. This, of course, suggests that Timothy has some sort of formal institution up and running. Good for him!

Paul explains how a person might become a "bishop" or deacon in the church, and provides advice on how different groups of people should behave: young men, old men, children, young women, and widows. For the most part, he preaches the standard virtues of self-control, temperance, and charity, although I was amused by his discussion of widows. "No widow," he writes, "may be put on the list of widows unless she is over sixty, has been faithful to her husband, and is well known for her good deeds" (1 Timothy 5:9). There's a list?! What is this, a club? Paul goes onto explain that young widows cannot be added to the list because within time "their sensual desires [will] overcome their dedication to Christ [and] they [will] want to marry" (1 Timothy 5:9).

SLUTS!

We also get some nice lines about how slaves should be obedient to their masters -- sorry, Uncle Tom -- and that's that!

The second epistle to Timothy is all about being a good little Christian soldier, espousing virtues of timidity, obedience, and willingness to suffer. Paul seems to know that he will eventually be executed for his shenanigans and bids that his friend "join with [him] in suffering, like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets entangled in civilian affairs, but rather tries to please his commanding officer" (2 Timothy 2:3-4). Aaaw. How SWEET.

The last of the Pastoral Epistles is addressed to Titus, another one of Paul's friends who lived on the island of Crete; this is, in fact, some of the earliest evidence we have suggesting that a Christian community existed there. In his letter to Titus, Paul describes the duties of elders and bishops within the church, stressing the importance of living a disciplined life.

Paul's letter to Philemon, written when he was imprisoned in Rome circa 61-63 CE, concerns the apostle's runaway slave Onesimus. Although the penalties for escaped slaves were severe, Paul requests that Onesimus be treated kindly since, as a convert to Christianity, his relationship to his master has changed. Okay.

Last but not least we have a letter to HEBREWS, which is actually not much of a letter; my study bible describes it as a "sermonic tract." We know little about the author of Hebrews, and earliest evidence of its use comes from the end of the first century in Rome.

The letter/sermon/book starts off by talking about Jesus's superiority to angels, emphasizing that because he is human and divine, his followers should be able to relate to him: "For this reason," the author writes, "he had to be made like them, fully human in every way... because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted" (Hebrews 2:17-18).

After this, we find out that on top of being superior to angels, Jesus is also superior to MOSES, who was a servant to God whereas Jesus is a son. Well, that makes sense, I guess.

Chapter 4 reminds us to rest on the Sabbath, and also establishes Jesus as the new eternal high priest, usurping the role from the Levite tribe. Can zombies sacrifice goats? It seems like sort of a banal task to get stuck with, I would expect Jesus has lots more important stuff to do!

The author goes on to draw parallels between Jesus and some other "eternal" high priest named Melchizedek, who was a contemporary of Abraham and the king of Salem. Why haven't I ever heard of this guy?! Anyway, he was supposedly "without father or mother, without genealogy, without beginning of days or end of life" (Hebrews 7:2), which made him more awesome and powerful than the boring old mortal Levite priests. Jesus, the author explains, is just like Melchizedek in this sense.

Chapter 8 talks about the new covenant -- or testament -- that the Christians will make with God, since the "first one [is now] obsolete; and what is obsolete and outdated will soon disappear" (Hebrews 8:13). The best part of this chapter was this line -- "This is why Moses was warned when he was about to build the tabernacle" (Hebrews 8:5) -- because I misread it as "This is why Moses was warned when he was about to build the snowman."

I don't even know how that happened! There are no snowmen in the Middle East! Only Sandmen!

On that note, I'm going to get some freaking tea, because I swore to myself I wouldn't have any tea until I finished writing this entry and I WANT IT REALLY BAD!!!!!

Day 86, Philippians, Colossians, 1 & 2 Thessalonians

Sometimes I wonder if I am really doing such a good job with these bible readings. It's obvious that my initial enthusiasm has progressively waned, but lately I feel like I'm just skimming, uninterested, perking up from my stupor only when I see a reference to sex or violence.

In fairness, Paul's letters are all the freakin' same. I sense that there are things I could be focusing on -- like, for instance, what these letters suggest about Paul's character, or how exactly his proselytizing was perceived by his hosts -- but at this point I am too exhausted to care very much. I might liken this experience to my first time reading The Sound and the Fury; yeah, I got that Caddy smelled like trees, and I got that Quentin had some serious issues with someone named Dalton Ames, but it took a few reads before the depth and scope of the work finally sunk in. Perhaps it is the same with the bible.

Was referencing Faulkner really fucking pretentious? I will use a different metaphor: it was sort of like listening to Rock and Roll All Nite by KISS for the first time. Sure, I knew that Gene wanted to rock and roll all night, but did he want to party every day, or PART OF every day? It took a few listens before the depth and scope of the work finally sunk in.

Anyway, we've got four letters from our dear friend Paul, so let's not waste any more time! First up is the letter to the Philippians, a Macedonian community of whom Paul was very fond. It was probably composed at around 56 CE and contains pretty standard Pauline doctrine. Of the Gentiles, Paul sneers, "Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things" (Philippians 3:19). He urges the people to be humble and generally mild-mannered and God-fearing, as per usual.

Next is Paul's letter to the Colossians, which may or may not have been actually written by Paul. It dates to around 62 CE and deals thematically with the preeminence of Christ over other deities. Paul warns of false prophets, saying, "Let no one disqualify you, insisting on asceticism and worship of angels, going on in detail about visions, puffed up and without reason by his sensuous mind" (Colossians 2:18). He talks about other stuff too. It's all very fascinating, as I'm sure you can imagine.

1 Thessalonians was written during Paul's second missionary journey; dating back to around 51 CE, we can deduce that this was possibly Paul's first epistle. Here he talks about the future coming of Christ -- referred to as the "Parousia" in my study bible, what a neat word!! Spellcheck wants to change it to "oviparous," a word that refers to egg-laying animals such as platypuses and chickens.

Anyway, Paul tells us that "the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night... So then let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober" (1 Thessalonians 5:2-6). Staying up all night and being sober, it'll be just like my slumber party birthday in first grade... except it'll go on FOREVER! I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED!!

2 Thessalonians continues on a similar note, talking about judgment day: "[Nonbelievers] will suffer the punishment of eternal destruction, away from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his might," the author writes (2 Thessalonians 1:9). Tough cookies!

The authenticity of 2 Thessalonians is apparently disputed, on the grounds that Paul's opinion on when Judgment Day is coming differs between the two works. Whereas in the first letter he seemed convinced that it was quickly approaching, telling us to NEVER SLEEP AGAIN, here he speaks against this idea: "[Do] not be quickly shaken in mind or alarmed, either by a spirit or a spoken word, or a letter seeming to be from us, to the effect that the day of the Lord has come" (2 Thessalonians 2:2).

It is of course possible that Paul just changed his mind between the letters. Maybe he decided that NOT SLEEPING FOREVER was a little too difficult and decided to alter his approach to these matters!

That's it for today. TL;DR (that's, "Too Long, Didn't Read" for you non-internet dorks), I will provide a condensed version of Paul's letters.

Paul's Letters: The Condensed Version

HAHAHA I'M PAUL!!! I USED TO BE A PHARISAIC JERK BUT I CHANGED MY NAME AND NOW I LOVE JESUS! YOU SHOULD LOVE JESUS TOO! CLICK THIS BOX IF YOU WANT TO JOIN OUR MAILING LIST!

CHRISTIANS 4EVER WOO HOO!!!

Day 85, 2 Corinthians 9-13, Galatians, Ephesians

Lots of ground to cover today. Well, not really lots of ground since all Paul does is repeat the same crap over and over again, but three books! I always feel really productive when I can put three tags on my entries.

2 Corinthians changes rather abruptly in tone after chapter 9, leading some scholars to suggest that chapters 10 through 13 weren't part of the original letter. Paul goes from being friendly and happy to reproachful, defending his apostleship and bragging about how GREAT he is: "I must go on boasting," he writes, "...though there is nothing to be gained by it" (2 Corinthians 12:1). He compares himself favorably to other disciples, saying, "Are they Hebrews? So am I. Are they Israelites? So am I. Are they offspring of Abraham? So am I. Are they servants of Christ? I am a better one" (2 Corinthians 11:22-23). Well, okay Paul. We'll take your word for it.

Paul's letter to the Galatians, which was presumably written around the same time as his letter to the Romans, addresses the question of Jewish law and whether or not Christians should follow it. For the most part, Paul doesn't think so.

Although I made this letter substantially more entertaining by reading it out loud to myself in a funny voice, it's not all that interesting. Paul opens it by reminding us of his thrilling personal history -- first a persecutor of the church, then the church's greatest pal -- remarking that, "If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ" (Galatians 1:10). In other words, "HATERS GONNA HATE!"

In chapter 2 he discusses circumcision, a rite that he regards as unnecessary. He mentions an encounter with Peter in Jerusalem -- Peter has been charged with converting Jews, while Paul occupies himself with Gentiles -- and comments on the hypocrisy of the Jewish Christians, whose "conduct [is] not in step with the truth of the gospel." Paul says to Peter, "If you, though a Jew, live like a Gentile and not like a Jew, how can you force the Gentiles to live like Jews?" (Galatians 2:14).

His big, overarching point is that Jesus frees people from the restraints of Jewish law: "Before faith came, we were held captive under the law... but now that faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian, for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith" (Galatians 3:23-25). Hey, I'm down with this. It's like Judaism for Dummies! I didn't want to learn 613 commandments anyway!

The third and final book from today's reading, the Letter of Paul to the Ephesians, was actually probably not written by Paul. Most scholars attribute it to one of his own "disciples" and date it to around 100 CE. Thematically, it deals with the unity of Jews and Gentiles through Christ: "Through [Jesus] we both have access in one Spirit to the Father," the author writes (Ephesians 2:18). We get more warnings about drinking too much and being too weird in the bedroom, more enlightened views on women ("Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22)), and a few lines about how children should obey their parents and slaves should obey their masters.

Obedience! Do it! It's a freakin' virtue! And remember,

Day 84, 1 Corinthians 10-16, 2 Corinthians 1-8

I think pretty soon the bible and I are going to need to sit down and have a talk. "It's not you," I'll say to the  bible. "It's me. I'm sorry, baby, but this just isn't fun anymore."

Whereas in my early days of bible blogging I was youthful and enthusiastic, absorbing verses at the speed of light and delighting in any reference to sexual deviance or weird violence, now I feel that I'm just going through the motions. The joy is gone. It takes me twice as long to read these passages because I get distracted doing dumb stuff, like looking at pictures of puppies and kittens together.

OMG!!!!

Anyway, Corinthians... Corinthians...  Right.

In chapter 10, Paul talks about how you shouldn't pray to idols. WOW, THAT'S REALLY FUCKING ORIGINAL, PAUL! I DON'T THINK I'VE HEARD THAT ONCE IN THE ENTIRE BIBLE! THANKS FOR CLUING ME IN... ASSHOLE!!!!!!

After that enlightening interlude, we get more stuff about the subordination of women. The passage in question is kind of weird, which is always a good thing: "I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband and the head of Christ is God. Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head, but every wife who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head, since it is the same as if her head were shaven" (1 Corinthians 10:3-4). So basically, men should never wear hats, and women should always wear hats. He also goes on to say that men should keep their hair short and women should keep their hair long.

But... I was gonna flow it, show it, long as God can grow it, my haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaair!!!!! Oh well.

Paul also explains the Eucharist here, which is old hat for us contemporary bible scholars, but chronologically this is actually the first surviving reference to the ritual. His version of the rite is more reminiscent of Luke's version, not that any synoptic tradition about the Last Supper is particularly deviant.

Paul goes on to talk about spiritual gifts, emphasizing that all otherworldly powers are given by God, and then in chapter 13 we get a nice little sermon on LOVE that is so pleasant it actually made me sort of like reading the bible again, for about ten seconds. You know it: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude... Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). I'm sure you've heard some of this before, and if you haven't, it's short so read it yourself! It'll be worth it!

After that sweet little passage, Paul goes back to being boring as fuck and talks about how to prophesy is better than to speak in tongues, since everyone can understand prophecy but no one is going to know what you're saying about if you're speaking in tongues. He also re-expresses his enlightened view of women by saying, "the woman should keep silent in the churches... for they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission" (1 Corinthians 14:34). Well. You're a regular Susan B. Anthony, aren't you, Paul?!!

In chapter 15, Paul addresses a troubling logical gap in his ministry's teaching: "If there is no resurrection of the dead," he says, "then not even Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain" (1 Corinthians 15:13-14). Ooh. That's a tough one! Paul remedies the situation by explaining that OBVIOUSLY resurrection is real because Jesus rose from the dead and so how can you not believe in it? Wait a minute... What'd he do there?

My doubts are sure assuaged!!!

Paul also totally rips of J.K. Rowling, telling the Corinthians that "The last enemy to be destroyed is death" (1 Corinthians 15:26). As you may remember, this was inscribed on the grave of Lily and James Potter in Godric's Hollow.

After ALL THIS FUN, Paul bids farewell to his Greek friends and the letter ends! Time for letter #2!

So, a bit of background. From what I can gather, Paul wrote his first letter from Ephesus, a Turkish city, after visiting Corinth for the first time. He goes back to visit again and has a not-so-pleasant trip; there was a baby crying next to him on the airplane, he got food poisoning at a Corinthian deli, and a homeless man spit on his shoes. It was just a real disappointment. Anyway, after that he wrote a pretty pissed off letter to the Corinthian people, which has since been lost. And since time heals all wounds, Paul eventually penned 2 Corinthians, expressing his desire to return to the city for a third visit.

Probably because I'm bored to death of reading the bible, I didn't find a lot of interesting material in 2 Corinthians. Paul is basically reiterating stuff he's already said, defending his own actions as an apostle, and at the same time reassuring the Corinthians that he still thinks they're nice. Big themes are -- once again -- the separation of the spirit from the body, and the importance of faith.

One passage I particularly enjoyed was in chapter 7; Paul seems mildly apologetic about his earlier anger, but justifies his actions by saying "even if I made you grieve with my letter, I do not regret it... I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting" (2 Corinthians 7:8-9).

Is this the origin of Catholic guilt?!

Gee whiz! Well, more tomorrow. We've got another week of this. Hot dog.

Day 83, Romans 10-16, 1 Corinthians 1-9

Wow. Lately it's been like pulling teeth getting myself to sit down and read the stinkin' bible. Seven more days! I love you, bible, but it's been going on a long time. I think I am ready for this relationship to end.

Paul's letter to the Romans doesn't provide us with anything too scandalous or different from yesterday; he tells people not to concern themselves with judging others, to believe in God/Jesus, etc, etc. He emphasizes that God is not abandoning the Jews by allowing Gentiles into the church, but that they are "cut from what is by nature a wild olive tree, and grafted, contrary to nature, into a cultivated olive tree" (Romans 11:24). Sounds good. I can get on board with this.

Chapter 12 contains a very nice little verse, reminiscent of the Beatitudes and ending with the line, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21). That's so nice! Why can't the whole bible be like that?

Whatever good will I was feeling towards Paul after chapter 12 evaporated in chapter 13, when he tells his readers to submit to authority, because human authority figures represent divine authority figures... or something... "One must be in subjection," he writes, "not only to avoid God's wrath but also for the sake of conscience" (Romans 13:5). This chapter ends with a teaser of things to come; Paul bids that we "walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy" (Romans 13:13).

There'll be a lot more where that came from in Corinthians!

He wraps up Romans by telling his readers to respect their friends' opinions, and to not "make another stumble" (Romans 14:20). Then he bids that his reader say hello to ALL HIS FRIENDS IN ROME, who he lists by name and occupation, and says sayonara!

Paul's letter to the Corinthians provides us with one of our earliest depictions of the Christian church; here we get our first glimpse at the Eucharist, the resurrection, and assorted other fun teachings from that motley crew of apostles. Let's dive right in!

In chapter 1, Paul makes an interesting cultural distinction between Jews and Greeks: "For Jews demand signs," he writes, "and Greeks seek wisdom...but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, [we preach] Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God" (1 Corinthians 1:22-24). In other words, Jesus is fun for the whole family!

Paul talks about his role in the Christian tradition, explaining that "though you have countless guides in Christ, you do not have many fathers" (1 Corinthians 4:15). He considers himself to be the "father" of the church and bids that the people obey him as children. He also emphasizes that he has little significance as an individual because although he "planted... only God... gives the growth" (1 Corinthians 3:6-7).

Another big theme here is the separation of the physical world and the spiritual world. Paul makes his point by warning against assorted impurities of the flesh, particularly SEXUAL DEVIANCE. Oh yes, this is pretty fun. Although he just got through telling us that we're not supposed to judge each other, he changes tact and says that any kind of sexual immorality should not be tolerated, and perverts should not be associated with! In fact, they should be "deliver[ed]... to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord" (1 Corinthians 5:5). Geez Louise.

Transgressors who will be subject to this treatment, by the way, include "the sexually immoral... idolaters... adulterers... men who practice homosexuality... thieves... the greedy... drunkards... revilers... [and] swindlers" (1 Corinthians 6:9). I think this is the second time in both Testaments that homosexuality has been explicitly labeled as a sin, if you Westboro Baptist Church members out in the audience want to jot down some notes for when you make your next set of signs.

Paul explains that just as a man and a prostitute "[become] one body" (1 Corinthians 6:16), a pious man can be joined to God as one spirit. That's kind of a neat (and weird) metaphor, I guess.

If you think this is fun now, just wait. It gets even better! Paul explains that because men are so feeble and lacking in self control, if they must succumb to base instincts, they are permitted to take wives: "Do not deprive one another," he writes, "except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come back together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control" (1 Corinthians 7:5). Paul forbids divorce, and mentions that in general it's better not to get married at all. He seems convinced that the "end of days" is approaching, noting that "the present form of this world is passing away" (1 Corinthians 7:31) and it is therefore pointless to get married when so little time remains.

Some other points, before I sign off: Paul tells people not to get circumcised if they aren't already, and rather to "remain in the condition in which [they were] called [to Jesus]" (1 Corinthians 7:20). He also says that if you are married to a nonbeliever, your belief "saves" them, and your children are "holy." It's sort of like how if a wizard or witch marries a muggle, their kids can still go to Hogwarts!

That's it for today. I'm bored and we've covered pretty much everything of interest.

ONE WEEK LEFT OF THIS!!! STAY GOLD PONYBOY!!

Day 82, Acts 25-28, Romans 1-9

I totally put off doing this all day, but luckily it turned out to be pretty interesting! I kind of like this Paul guy. He's an interesting character.

When we left him last time, he had been imprisoned in Jerusalem and blown off by the governor, Felix. In chapter 25 he is tried by the new governor, Festus, as well as Herod the Great's (somewhat distant) successor, Agrippa II. He tells his cute little life story to the authority figures, and although Festus at first accuses him of being insane, he is pretty darn persuasive and seems to win their favor. During the trial, he expresses his fervor for his work, saying, "I would to God that not only you but also all who hear me this day might become such as I am -- except for these chains" (Acts 26:29).

As a Roman citizen, Paul is entitled to a trial in Rome, so he sets off in a boat for Italy. The trip is not without incident, and eventually the gang is caught in a storm and shipwrecked. They wash up on the island of Malta, where Paul heals a man named Publius and is revered as a god.

Upon arriving in Rome, the authorities announce that they have received no letters about Paul, but have nonetheless heard rumors of his weird ways and want to know what he's all about. He preaches to the Romans, converting some, then is put under house arrest for two years to await his trial. We never do find out what happens to him! Some scholars say he died in Rome, while others say he evaded conviction and moved to Spain.

Romans, or more specifically, The Letter of Paul to the Romans, is a work dating back to some time between 48-58 CE. It is -- as the title suggests -- a letter that Paul wrote to the Roman people explaining his theology, and it's pretty darn interesting! The big theme here is, once again, that God is impartial in his love and will embrace Gentiles just as he will Jews. Paul also emphasizes the role of faith over law.

The letter opens with a classically Greek introduction and "thanksgiving" or prayer for the reader's well-being, followed by Paul's thesis: that "it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek" (Romans 1:16). He talks about how many people, regardless of whether or not they are familiar with the Law, are not sufficiently pious, and that God will judge everyone equally. He also emphasizes that it's GOD'S JOB to do the judging, NOT YOURS!! "For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself," Paul writes, "because you, the judge, practice the very same things... Do you suppose, O man... that you will escape the judgment of God?" (Romans 2:1-3)

Obviously, the exception to this rule is if you're doing this:

Paul also takes a pretty unorthodox view on circumcision, explaining that "circumcision is indeed of value if you obey the law, but if you break the law, your circumcision becomes uncircumcision" (Romans 2:25). In Paul's opinion, the physical rite has no bearing on the state of a person's spirit.

Paul goes on to talk about how all people are sinners -- because "through the law comes knowledge of sin" (Romans 3:20) -- but that God has provided people with the gift of redemption through Jesus. He is careful to emphasize that this does not nullify the law, it just means that faith in Jesus is more important.

To illustrate the importance of faith in biblical history, Paul turns to the story of Abraham. He argues that Abraham's act of supreme faith -- his willingness to sacrifice Isaac -- suggests that "the promise to Abraham and his offspring that he would be heir of the world did not come through the law but through the righteousness of faith" (Romans 4:13). Pretty interesting, huh?

Paul then says that people should embrace their suffering and believe that God cares for them. Yeah, tell it to Job, Paul! He makes another biblical allusion, explaining that just as Adam's first sin "led to condemnation for all men" (Romans 5:18), Jesus's sacrifice led to eternal life. Christ, he explains, "died to sin...[but] lives to God" (Romans 6:10). Well, okay. Whatever you say, Paul.

I think what this means -- and I might be wrong -- is that the law is no longer wholly applicable to believers? Paul uses a metaphor of a married woman, saying that if she should sleep with another man while her husband is alive, she will be an adulteress, but if he dies she is freed from the rules of marriage. Likewise, Christ's death freed his followers from the restrictions of the Torah? I dunno man! This is pretty wild!

Today's reading wraps up with Paul contrasting the body with the spirit, saying that "the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God," whereas if one lives by the "Spirit" they will "put to death the deeds of the body... [and] live" (Romans 8:7-10). He alludes to the historic lawlessness of the Jews -- which we know well was a reoccurring theme in the Old Testament -- and uses it to justify his claims: "Israel who pursued a law that would lead to righteousness did not succeed in reaching that law. Why? Because they did not pursue it by faith" (Romans 9:31-32).

Gee whiz! More of this tomorrow, and we'll also embark on 1 Corinthians. We are seriously in the stretch drive here!

Day 81, Acts 15-24

The biblical fun continues! Unfortunately, Acts is not anywhere near as exciting as the Gospels, and basically just entails Paul and his pals traveling all over the place on motorcycles, wearing leather jackets and looking for America. In the end, they all watch the sunset and think about old Dean Moriarty, the father they never found. Just kidding! They're actually traveling all around the Mediterranean to spread the word of CHRIST. That's almost as cool, right?

To give you an idea of all the crazy places they go, here's a map:

 

Pretty extensive, huh? I didn't pay a lot of attention to the specific locations, since most of them have old names and are unrecognizable, but everything basically turns out the same wherever he goes. Paul has reasonable success at converting people, particularly Gentiles, and causes some controversy with the local Jewry and other leaders. 

Our tale starts out on a sad note, however. As you may recall, throughout the beginning of Acts, Paul had been accompanied by his pal Barnabas. One day Barnabas decides that the dynamic duo isn't GOOD ENOUGH for him and tells Paul he wants to bring along Mark too. Paul totally doesn't want to do this, and they are ultimately unable to reconcile their differences. They part ways, Barnabas going with Mark and Paul rebounding with Silas. 

Lovesick, heartbroken, and estranged, Paul continues on his mission. Okay, he's actually not lovesick, heartbroken, or estranged. I just made that up to add dramatic tension. Anyway, he and Silas encounter a pious fellow named Timothy and ask him to join them, and soon after Paul is called to Macedonia in a dream. They arrive on the islands and convert a woman named Lydia, then encounter an annoying slave girl who can perform divination. She follows them around for days, "crying out, 'These men are servants of the Most High God, who proclaim to you the way of salvation'" (Acts 16:17), which annoys Paul so much that finally he turns and exorcises a demon from her, making it so she can't perform magic anymore. Her owners -- who had exploited her talent for money -- are super pissed and rally the townspeople against Paul and company.

The trio get put in jail, but soon after there is an earthquake and the doors open. The guard thinks the prisoners have escaped and tries to kill himself, but Paul stops him and converts him to Christianity. God, this is a weird fucking story!

After the incident in Macedonia, Paul goes to Athens, where he is the subject of much intrigue among the philosophers. He makes a big ol' speech and converts a bunch of Athenians, then heads off to Corinth, where he stays for a year and a half.

Since Paul is so freaking devout and an instrument of God and all that, he can perform miracles like Jesus, but when others try to imitate him -- performing exorcisms "by the Jesus whom Paul proclaims" (Acts 19:13) -- it doesn't work. In fact, it works so poorly that instead of being exorcised, the evil spirits "[leap] on them, [master] all of them and [overpower] them, so that they [flee] out of the house naked and wounded" (Acts 19:16).

Well that sucks!

A rather funny incident happens in chapter 20, when Paul is preaching. A young man named Eutychus grows bored and falls asleep next to a window, which he then FALLS OUT OF AND DIES. Paul resurrects him, like a boss.

After this, Paul makes a nice farewell speech and keeps on keepin' on, returning to Jerusalem to visit his old pal James. Didn't James die? Maybe it's another James. Anyway, while he's there he gets arrested, and the people want to beat the shit out of him, but he reveals that he is a Roman citizen. You're totally not allowed to beat the shit out of a Roman citizen, so they let it go. Paul also makes a speech to the crowd, telling the story of his conversion to Christianity and then cleverly turning the masses against each other. He notices that the crowd is comprised of a mixture of Pharisees and Sadducees, and professes that "I am a Pharisee... It is with respect to the hope and the resurrection of the dead that I am on trial" (Acts 23:6).

The Pharisees and Sadducees are in constant debate about whether or not resurrection is real, so they start bitching at each other instead of focusing on Paul, who is led back to the barracks.

The calm does not last long, however, because a plot to kill Paul emerges among the Jewish leadership. His nephew overhears it and clues him in, and Paul is sent to the governor, Felix. Felix seems to be a nice enough guy, but he sort of blows Paul off and our hero is left in jail to rot!

What will happen next? Will Paul escape prison, or be executed? Will he make up with Barnabas and buy a house in the suburbs, or will his new flame Silas capture his heart? Stay tuned and find out!

Day 80, Acts 6-14

Today's reading wasn't the most exciting, but it wasn't bad and it went pretty quick. Jesus's disciples continue their proselytizing, choosing seven men to do... some kind of function on behalf of the church (I seriously can't figure out what it is! Sorry!). One of these guys is named Stephen, and almost immediately he upsets the Jewish authorities and is arrested. Once imprisoned, he makes a long speech summarizing all the events of the Old Testament, accusing the priests of being "stiff-necked people, uncircumcised in heart and ears [who] always resist the Holy Spirit" (Acts 7:51). Not altogether pleased with this accusation, the Jews stone him to death, making him the first Christian martyr... Unless you count Jesus, I guess!

The disciples continue their mission, traveling as far as Samaria and Ethiopia to perform baptisms, but are constantly butting heads with a guy named Saul, who freaking hates their movement. However, one day when Saul is traveling to Damascus -- on the hunt for Christians who he can imprison in Jerusalem -- he hears Jesus's voice telling him to CUT THE CRAP! Saul subsequently goes blind and fasts for three days.

Meanwhile, a fellow named Ananias gets a message from Jesus or God or someone to "rise and go to the street called Straight, and at the house of Judas look for a man of Tarsus named Saul" (Acts 9:11). At first, Ananias is like, "No way, he's a jerk!" but Jesus/God/Zeus/who knows?! explains that Saul is "a chosen instrument... to carry [God's] name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel" (Acts 9:15). Ananias consents, Saul regains his sight, and immediately starts preaching about how cool Jesus is.

When the Jewish leaders get wind of this, they are understandably pretty pissed, and plot to have Saul killed. He overhears their plans and manages to escape in the middle of the night, a la King David way back in... 2 Samuel, was it? It's pretty funny that he escapes in this manner, since David was escaping from King Saul, and this guy is Saul of Tarsus. Is that a coincidence? Who the hell knows!

Meanwhile, Peter keeps on doing his thing, healing a crippled man and raising a woman named Tabitha from the dead.

In chapter 10, a guy named Cornelius is told to find Peter. While he is on his way, Peter has a strange vision where God tells him to "kill and eat" (Acts 10:13). Peter objects, saying that he has never eaten anything unclean, but God tells him to SHUT UP AND DO IT, because "what God has made clean, do not call common" (Acts 10:15).

The big message of this chapter -- and much of the book, it seems -- is that God shows no partiality. Anyone can be a Christian, whether they were born a Jew or a Gentile.

Not everyone is willing to embrace this concept, however, and when Peter goes back to Jerusalem a group called "the circumcision party" (Acts 11:2) chastise him for eating with non-Jews. The circumcision party! Wow. If I ever start a punk rock band, that's what we'll be called. Anyway, Peter doesn't really care about what they say and goes to Antioch, where a number of Gentiles join the church and start using the name Christians for the first time.

Not all is fine and dandy in the ancient Near East, however; in chapter 12, James is killed and Peter is arrested. Luckily, an angel helps him escape jail, but the same cannot be said for his pal. We'll miss you, James!

...Who the hell were you, anyway?

Herod also meets his grisly end in chapter 12, when "an angel of the Lord [strikes] him down, because he did not give God the glory, and he [is] eaten by worms and [breathes] his last" (Acts 12:23).

It should also be noted that everyone important in Jesus's ministry gets a SUPER COOL nickname! I'm not sure why, but it's fun. They're kind of like a 1980s rock band in that way. Peter, as you may remember, is actually named Simon; John goes by Mark; Simeon goes by NIGER; and Saul will eventually change his name to Paul, although he considered Spyder for awhile.

The whole gang keeps preaching and converting, scornfully informing the Jewish leaders that "since you thrust [the word of God] aside and judge yourselves unworthy of eternal life, behold, we are turning to the Gentiles" (Acts 13:46). They travel all over the Near East and Mediterranean, where they are generally pretty popular -- a crowd from Lystra refer to Paul and Barnabas as Hermes and Zeus respectively -- but they also narrowly escape danger, like when the same crowd attempts to stone them to death. But our disciple friends are made of tough stuff, and keep on keeping on!

More of this wildness tomorrow. See you then!

Day 79, John 16-21, Acts 1-5

Today we finish John and begin Acts, which is short for Acts of the Apostles. I've gotta say, I miss Jesus already. Once he died, it seems like the whole thing just got sort of cult-like and weird.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves! We've still got five chapters of John to discuss. Yesterday, we left our messianic pal in the middle of the Last Supper. The meal continues, with Jesus talking to the apostles about his upcoming resurrection: "Truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to joy" (John 16:20). Well, that's good to know, because this whole thing has me a little bummed out.

In chapter 17 Jesus prays to God to guide the apostles after he dies, and then in chapter 18 we have the BETRAYAL. It plays out a little differently in John; Judas doesn't kiss Jesus to identify him, but instead just leads the authorities to where he is. Jesus approaches them and asks who they're looking for, and when they answer that they're looking for him, he goes with them willingly. Peter, meanwhile, doesn't take things so calmly and cuts off a soldier's ear. The soldier in question is identified as Malchus, and Jesus gets super pissed about it, asking, "Shall I not drink the cup that the Father has given me?" (John 18:11).

Get with the freakin' program, Peter!!

They bring Jesus to the high priests, Annas and Caiaphas, with whom he is super snarky. They ask what he has been teaching about and he's like, "I DUNNO, WHY DON'T YOU ASK ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WERE AT MY SERMONS?" The high priests, who don't appreciate his cheek, smack him around a little bit and then send him to Pilate.

Pilate has always been pretty DGAF (that means "don't give a fuck" for those of you who aren't quite as savvy as me) but in John it shines through especially. He really wants nothing to do with the affair and tells the priests to deal with it themselves, but they insist that he has to intervene because they don't have the authority to put anyone to death.

The Roman governor consents to question Jesus, and their conversation is pretty awesome. Pilate makes it clear that he doesn't particularly care about the ordeal, asking Jesus, "Am I a Jew? Your own nation and the chief priests have delivered you over to me. What have you done?" (John 18:25). Jesus responds that he has a kingdom, but it is "not of this world" and that he has come "to bear witness to the truth" (John 18:26-27). Pilate asks simply, "What is truth?" (John 18:28).

WHOA!! I DUNNO MAN! THIS IS PRETTY WILD!!

Overall Pilate decides that Jesus has done nothing wrong and tries to get him off the hook, but Jesus refuses to answer any questions. Pilate grows aggravated, asking Jesus if he understands that his life is in Pilate's hands. Showcasing his TREMENDOUS TACT (not really), Jesus says, "You would have no authority over me at all unless it had been given to you from above" (John 19:11). Ugh. Way to hammer that nail into the coffin, bud.

Jesus is forced to carry his own cross up to the hill where he is crucified -- I'm pretty sure that John is the only Gospel where he has to carry the cross himself. It's also the only one that mentions him wearing a crown of thorns. They nail him up and Pilate puts up a sign in multiple languages that says "Jesus of Nazareth, the King of the Jews." Some people bitch about it, saying that it should say SUPPOSED King of the Jews or something along those lines, but Pilate tells them to fuck off because "what I have written I have written" (John 19:22). In other words, "Bitch, PLEASE, you think I'm doing all that work again?"

Jesus continues to behave in a bizarre and borderline aggressive manner towards his mother up until the very end. When he sees her standing in the crowd, he yells out, "Woman, behold, your son!" (John 19:26). What kind of thing is that to say?! What does that mean? Is it like, "Look, mom, no hands!" or what?

Another note is that there is an unnamed apostle in here who is described as the "beloved disciple" or some variation of that. Some scholars think that it is John, since he is otherwise unmentioned in the book.

Jesus hangs out on the cross for awhile longer, then declares that he's thirsty. Someone passes him some wine on a stick, which I think he drinks, because he says "It is finished," and dies. After his death, some soldier stabs him, presumably just to be a jerk. Like in the synoptics, he is buried by Joseph, although this time Joseph is accompanied by a fellow named Nicodemus instead of Jesus's lady friends.

After the burial, Peter, John, and Mary Magdalene go to visit the tomb and freak out because they can't find Jesus. Mary starts to cry, at which point Jesus appears to her and asks why she is weeping. Assuming he is the GARDENER, she asks if he knows where Jesus's body is; in response he just says her name, and she realizes it's him and gets SUPER PUMPED!

Most of the apostles are equally psyched about the news, but Thomas proves to be a total douchebag about it, saying "Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe" (John 20:25). That's some faith! Luckily for Thomas, Jesus is obliging and lets him do all those things, but he adds, "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed" (John 20:29).

In fairness, maybe we should give Thomas credit for being the only rationalist of the gang. But there's been some pretty spooky stuff happening! With all things considered, maybe he should have given the benefit of the doubt where Jesus was concerned.

In the last chapter, Jesus has a weird conversation with Peter where he asks him to "feed his sheep" which I think means to take care of the church? Who knows!

Next up is Acts. Written by Luke's author, it continues the story from the Gospels, focusing on Christianity's shift from a small Jewish movement to a worldwide movement that was based in Rome and involved Gentiles. It is apparently a pretty Hellenistic tome. Like Luke's Gospel, it is addressed to Theophilus, the "lover of God."

The tale opens with Jesus's ascension into heaven, after which the apostles select a new apostle to replace Judas, named Mattias. We also get a new account of Judas's death; unlike in Matthew, where he hung himself, Luke claims that he used his thirty pieces of silver to buy a field, then tripped and fell and "burst open in the middle and all his bowels gushed out" (Acts 1:18). Geez! That's kind of gruesome, huh?

In chapter 2, the apostles are all chilling together and suddenly they start speaking in tongues. I always thought speaking in tongues meant speaking gibberish, but apparently it actually means that they literally start speaking other languages that they don't know. Pretty cool! Most of the people who witness it are super impressed, but some scoff and say that "they are filled with new wine" (Acts 2:13). Don't you love when you get drunk and start speaking ancient Greek?

After this, Peter makes a speech and converts a bunch of people, who subsequently sell all their possessions and give their money to the church. I like how Jesus's request that people give their money to the POOR somehow got transformed into giving money to the church... Huh...

Apparently Jesus left his magical powers with his disciples, because in chapter 3 John and Peter heal a crippled man, to the amazement of the people. They are subsequently arrested for preaching about Jesus, but Peter -- who has become a lot more badass since Jesus's death -- tells the authorities that they won't stop doing good deeds or preaching about Jesus. They get released, after which all the followers join together to pray for boldness in the face of adversity. I wonder if some of them also prayed for brains or hearts, or to get back to Kansas. Little did they know, they've had the power in their ruby slippers all along.

In chapter 5 the cult vibes reach a new height, when a man named Ananias secretly keeps some of his money instead of giving it all to the church. When Peter and company find out, they chastise him, saying he has "not lied to men but to God" (Acts 5:4) and he FALLS DOWN DEAD! Then the exact same thing happens to his wife. Geez. Don't mess around with this stuff! And definitely don't take any Kool Aid that these guys give you.

The apostles get arrested again, and Peter reiterates his former stance: they're not going to stop talking about Jesus. At first, the priests want to kill the disciples, but a Pharisee named Gamaliel tells them not to. He references false messiahs who incited the people, naming Theudas and Judas the Galilean, both of whom were killed. "If this plan or this undertaking is of man," he tells them, "it will fail; but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them. You might even be found opposing God!" (Acts 5:36-37). Yeah, but... the reason Theudas and Judas the Galilean failed was because the PRIESTS INTERVENED AND KILLED THEM!

YOUR ARGUMENT SUCKS, GAMALIEL!

But I guess without his shitty argument, our story would end here. And that wouldn't be very much fun!

Thank you, Gamaliel, for the eleven extra days of reading!

Day 78, John 7-15

Wow. John has definitely usurped "favorite gospel" status from Luke. It's just so intense and emotional! I WANNA CRY FOREVER!

Today's reading begins during the Feast of Tabernacles, or Sukkot. Jesus's brothers try to convince him to go to Jerusalem with them, but he blows them off because all the Jews are plotting to kill him. Then, like an asshole, he goes later by himself! Why is Jesus such a jerk to his whole family?

Once in Jerusalem, he stupidly draws attention to himself by teaching in the temple. The authorities come to arrest him, but he's like, "Nah guys, can't you do this later?" and they are so baffled by him that no one can manage to do the deed and lock him up. 

In chapter 8, the disciples bring to him a woman who has been "caught in the act of adultery" (John 8:4) and ask if they should stone her to death. Jesus doesn't respond at first, opting instead to draw pretty pictures in the sand with his fingers. Clearly unable to comprehend that he's BUSY!!!, the people keep pestering him, and like a boss Jesus says to them, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her" (John 8:7). He goes back to his doodles, and rather sheepishly, the people file out. Jesus then turns to the woman and tells her that he doesn't condemn her for what she has done.

Jesus proceeds to piss everyone off by making speeches about how he is the "light of the world" and how the "truth will set you free" and all sorts of crazy stuff like that. He says that his followers will have eternal life, which really sets everyone off: "Are you greater than our father Abraham, who died?" they demand. "And the prophets died! Who do you make yourself out to be?" (John 8:52).

In general, the people are a lot more antagonistic towards Jesus in John's gospel than in the synoptics. In chapter 9, he heals a blind man, but no one is willing to believe it. They go to the blind man's family, but fearing exile from the temple, they refuse to give a straight answer about what went down: "He will speak for himself," they say of their son, "because they feared the Jews...[who] agreed that if anyone should confess Jesus to be Christ, he was to be put out of the synagogue" (John 9:21-22). Can I just say that these parents are assholes? When the son tells the truth, HE gets kicked out of the temple instead. Way to fuck over your formerly blind son, guys!

Jesus keeps on making crazy speeches and analogies, comparing himself to a "good shepherd...[who] lays down his life for the sheep" (John 10:11). I've got to say, you'd have to be a pretty devoted shepherd to die for SHEEP, but let's just roll with the metaphor. After his speech, everyone tries to stone Jesus. Everyone is constantly trying to stone Jesus in John's Gospel.

Chapter 11 is full of action, and kicks off with Jesus receiving a message that his pal Lazarus, brother of Mary and Martha, is ill. He tells the disciples that they should all go back to Judea, to which they respond, "Rabbi, the Jews were just now seeking to stone you, and you are going there again?" (John 11:8). That's right, 'cause Jesus DOES WHAT HE WANTS!! By the time the gang arrives in Bethany, however, Lazarus has already been dead for four days. Mary and Martha come out to greet Jesus, and they all cry together, which is kind of sweet. Some of the Jews apparently think so too, remarking, "See how he loved him!" but others are more cynical, asking, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?" (John 11:36-37).

Although Jesus didn't keep Lazarus from dying, he compensates by raising him from the dead. Pretty wild stuff! Here's the obligatory T.S. Eliot reference to the event, from The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock: 

And would it have been worth it, after all,

After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,

Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,

Would it have been worth while,

To have bitten off the matter with a smile,

To have squeezed the universe into a ball

To roll it toward some overwhelming question,

To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,

Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”--

If one, settling a pillow by her head,

Should say: “That is not what I meant at all;

That is not it, at all.”

Wow!!! I freaking love T.S. Eliot!!

Anyway, after this cool little miracle, the plot to kill Jesus thickens over in Jerusalem. The priests debate among themselves about what they should do, fretting that Jesus's prominence will cause the Romans to take away their relative sovereignty over Judea. A high priest named Caiaphas declares that, "It is better for you that one man should die for the people, not that the whole nation should perish" (John 11:50) and this seems to become the adopted stance of the community leaders.

Meanwhile, back in Bethany, the apostles have dinner with Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, and Mary causes a bit of a stir by anointing Jesus with expensive oil. Here, it is Judas Iscariot who criticizes her, noting that the ointment should have been sold for the poor. However, it is noted that he does not actually care about the poor, and is in fact "a thief, and having charge of the moneybag he used to help himself to what was put into it" (John 12:6). What a jerk! Jesus responds with his creepy line about the ointment being for his burial.

Chapter 12 also contains Jesus's "triumphant" entry into Jerusalem, where the people enthusiastically welcome him, although none of them seem to have a whole lot of faith in him. His speeches generally piss people off, and they're always throwing rocks at him. Here, he discusses his messianic role with the people, declaring that, "If anyone hears my words and does not keep them, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world" (John 12:47). You hear that, everyone? Jesus doesn't want to judge us! Well, I assume it probably means he doesn't want to judge us unless we're gay, poor, liberal, or an ethnic minority. That's sort of a given, right?

Next we have the Last Supper, which is such a sad affair. Unlike in the Synoptic Gospels, Jesus does not institute the Eucharist. Instead, he puts on a loincloth and washes the feet of his disciples! At first Peter is like, "Dude, you don't have to do this," but Jesus insists, after which Peter gets really into it: "Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!" (John 13:9).

"Um... No," says Jesus.

After he finishes, Jesus explains his actions to the apostles: "If I, then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you" (John 13:14-15). God, it's so sad! Don't you think this is a sad story? I sure do!!

The betrayal seems to fuse elements from all three of the synoptic Gospels; like Luke, John attributes Judas's betrayal to demonic possession of some kind, but Jesus's response is more like Matthew: "What you are going to do," he tells his friend, "do quickly" (John 13:27).

After Judas leaves, the whole dinner turns into an adorable little love-fest. It's like freaking Woodstock! Jesus tells the apostles, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you are to love one another" (John 13:34). The apostles are both sad and confused by everything that's going on, and Thomas expresses some doubt: "Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?" (John 14:5). Jesus responds that he is "the way, and the truth, and the life" (John 14:6) and that believing in him is synonymous with believing in God.

In chapter 15, Jesus reiterates his commandment that the apostles love each other, adding that "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends... No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you" (John 15:13-15).

Doesn't it all just tear at your heartstrings? Don't you want to claw out your own eyes?

Tomorrow we finish John and start Acts of the Apostles. I actually have never ventured past the Gospels and I have no idea what's coming. Should be exciting.

And hey, less than two weeks left of this! Gee whiz!

Day 77, Luke 22-24, John 1-6

Whoa, sorry for the late freaking entry! I've been on a bit of a bender lately... Last night, for instance, I stayed out until eleven, binge drank soy milk, and baked cookies. The crazy college life... You know how it is. Anyway, I actually completely forgot to read the bible and I've been so lazy all day that it took awhile to get the entry done.

Luke ends interestingly, differing from the other synoptic gospels in a handful of ways. One example is Judas's betrayal; while Mark and Matthew suggest that Judas betrayed Jesus because he wanted money, Luke's author writes that "Satan entered into Judas" (Luke 22:3). Demonic possession! It's just like Harry Potter! Maybe Judas's sandals were a Horcrux or something.

The betrayal scene itself plays out a little differently too, with Jesus asking his pal, "Would you betray the Son of Man with a kiss?" (Luke 22:48). That line has a pretty different vibe from the whole "do what you gotta do" thing in Matthew! Makes you think, huh?

Another Lucan addition comes in the trial; after Pilate "find[s] no guilt in [Jesus]" (Luke 23:4) he sends him to Herod Antipas, the tetrarch of Galilee who happens to be in Jerusalem on vay-cay. Herod questions and mocks him, but Jesus refuses to respond, so Herod dresses him in fancy clothes and sends him back to Pilate. After this, weirdly enough, Herod and Pilate become BFFS FOR LIFE: "And Herod and Pilate became friends with each toher that very day, for before this they had been at enmity with each other" (Luke 23:12). As they say, nothing will bring two people together like hatred for a third person!

As they lead Jesus to the cross, he has a pretty cool line: "Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me, but weep for yourselves and your children" (Luke 23:27). He then alludes to all his "apocalypse is coming" bullshit, but as a stand-alone I really like the line. You can imagine he's telling them to cry for themselves because of their general brutality and inhumanity. PRETTY DEEP SHIT!!!!

In Matthew and Mark, Jesus's last words were "My God, why have you forsaken me?" but here he is a lot more cheerful, saying, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit!" (Luke 23:46). That's nice. I like the exclamation point, it adds some zest.

Luke's author finally clears the air about Joseph the disciple, too. Although he was on the Sanhedrin, it is noted that he was "a good and righteous man, who had not consented to their decision and action; and he was looking for the kingdom of God" (Luke 23:50). Aren't we all, buddy?

Chapter 24 describes Mary Magdalene's encounter with the angels at Jesus's tomb; this time she is accompanied by not only the other Mary, but a woman named Joanna as well. After they hear the good news and relate it to Jesus's other followers, we get a brief story about a man named Cleopas, who is walking with his friend and encounters Zombie Jesus. For some reason he doesn't recognize his old teacher, but the men are generally friendly to Jesus and invite him to dine with them. When they give him bread, they suddenly realize who he is, and he vanishes. Spooky!

The book ends with Jesus being reunited with the apostles, to whom he shows the holes in his hands as proof! Then he asks for food, since I would imagine being crucified would make me hungry, and they give him some bread. Zombie Jesus can apparently still eat. Then he tells them to spread the word of his resurrection and all that, and the tale is over!

The final gospel, John, is not one of the "synoptics" and stands in pretty marked contrast to Matthew, Mark, and Luke; it is generally considered to be more spiritual in nature. Although one might assume it was written by the apostle John, the author is actually unknown. The reason it is so frequently ascribed to John is because John is not mentioned within it, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but how much really does anyway? John's Gospel probably originated in Asia Minor around the end of the first century.

Like Luke, John starts off with a fancy pants prologue, where he states that, "The law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ" (John 1:17). Pretty neat way of putting it! If you glean all the best stuff out of Jesus's ministry, I think that's a good way to describe it. After the introduction, John jumps right into John the Baptist's ministry. Unlike in the other gospels, John the Baptist is not likened to Elijah; he describes himself as "the voice of one crying out in the wilderness, 'Make straight the way of the Lord,' as the prophet Isaiah said" (John 1:23).

John the Baptist recognizes Jesus immediately upon seeing him, pointing out to his disciples, "Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!" (John 1:29). He coerces Andrew and Peter to follow Jesus, and soon after they enlist two pals named Nathanael and Philip. Nathanael is at first hesitant, asking, "Can anything good come out of Nazareth?" (John 1:46). I guess Nazareth must be the Fresno of the middle east or something.

In chapter 2, Jesus goes to a wedding with his mom, who he is a total bitch to. When she mentions to him that the hosts have run out of wine, he rudely asks, "Woman, what does this have to do with me?" (John 2:4). I don't know, Jesus! Maybe she was just trying to make conversation? Despite acting like a jerk, he subsequently endears himself to the wedding guests by turning water into wine so the party can go on! One thing that is made clear about Jesus is that he likes to par-tay.

After the wedding, Jesus goes to Jerusalem and has what I like to refer to as his "Axl Rose moment" in the temple, where he breaks everything and yells at everyone. It is certainly interesting that John places this incident so early in Jesus's ministry, since, as my religious studies professor puts it, going into the temple and throwing a fit is a really good way to ensure that you're dead within a week. When the Jews ask him what the HECK HE THINKS HE'S DOING?!, Jesus tells them to destroy the temple so he can rebuild it in three days. They tell him to stop being so wacky, but John's author notes that in retrospect, the apostles realized that "he was speaking about the temple of his body" (John 2:21). Eerie!

In chapter 3, Jesus makes a little speech about how his followers have to be "born again." I guess that's where they get the term "born again Christian," huh? Jesus's followers are pretty incredulous about this, asking, "How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother's womb and be born?" (John 3:4), to which Jesus replies that the rebirth is more of a spiritual kind of thing.

This chapter also contains a small section that contradicts Jesus's claim in the synoptics that he comes to bring division/a sword instead of peace. Here, he declares that "God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him" (John 3:17). Isn't that nice!

After these fun little chats, Jesus goes to Samaria. While his disciples are off buying food, Jesus hangs out at a well and meets a woman, who he demands give him water. She's all like, "Bitch, why you up in my grill? Don't you know that Samaritans aren't friends with Jews?" but Jesus snaps his fingers in a z-formation and is like, "Bitch please if you knew who I was you'd give me some goddamn water." He then explains that, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again" (John 4:13-14). She thinks this sounds pretty cool, so Jesus tells her to call her husband. She tells him that she doesn't have one, but Jesus already knew this; in fact, he correctly tells her that she has had FIVE husbands, all of whom are presumably dead. Impressed by his magical knowledge, she becomes convinced that he is the messiah. At this point, the apostles come back -- and "marvel that [Jesus is] talking with a woman" (John 4:27), because apparently Jesus doesn't get a lot of action -- and the whole gang accompanies the Samaritan into town, where she tells everyone that he is the messiah.

After this little adventure, Jesus and company go back to Galilee, where they cause quite a stir by healing on the Sabbath and being generally offensive. Most outrageous to the temple officials is the fact that Jesus "[calls] God his own Father, making himself equal with God" (John 5:18).

Chapter 6 contains two of our favorite miracles: Jesus multiplying the bread, and Jesus walking on water. Jesus also makes a very weird speech about how he is the "bread of life": "Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day" (John 6:53-54). Whoa, okay. Jesus is a zombie AND a vampire. This book has everything!

Chapter 6 ends with Jesus's prediction of Judas's betrayal, calling him "a devil" (John 6:70).

John is pretty cool! It's a welcome break from the synoptic Gospels, which were getting kind of old. More of this tomorrow, when I will try to be more prompt!

Day 76, Luke 13-21

So, in case you haven't figured it out by my prompt morning posts, I write this thing the day before I put it up. And I procrastinated on doing it all day. It has been a pretty weird Thanksgiving; since I'm alone in Canada, I spent the day eating soup and crackers and STROOPWAFELS, pretending to be Anne Frank. When you eat matzo ball soup (Jew food) and stroopwafels (Dutch cookies) sometimes you just gotta pretend to be Anne Frank.

Irreverent comments aside, the point I'm getting at is that I was too busy doing weird stupid shit all day to find the time to properly focus on the reading, so I apologize if I leave out interesting bits or don't write a lot. This is a lengthy project. I have not been as meticulous with it over the past few days as I wish I had been. Oh well. According to Jesus, you're supposed to forgive me!

Chapter 13 kicks off with Jesus healing a woman who has a "disabling spirit." I love the phrasing, it just seems so politically correct. She's not a LEPER or a CRIPPLE, she just has a DISABILITY.

The Pharisees give him shit for healing on the Sabbath, but Jesus tells them to piss off. He then announces that he has to head out for Jerusalem, since, "it cannot be that a prophet should perish away from [there]" (Luke 13:33).

I can't get over how freaking intense it is! In her poem, Suicide Note, Anne Sexton alludes to the incident:

Once upon a time
my hunger was for Jesus.
O my hunger! My hunger!
Before he grew old
he rode calmly into Jerusalem
in search of death.

It is just such a strange thing to fathom! Who goes looking for death?

Anyway, on the road to Jerusalem he keeps on a-preachin' and a-healin', telling the people that they should humble themselves and be good and so on and so forth. He mentions that if you have a dinner party you should invite deadbeats and losers instead of your friends, since your friends can repay you but the bums can't. Well, okay. Whatever you say, Jesus.

He also acts like a total asshole here and says that, "if anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:26-27). Geez Louise! For a guy who has come to be synonymous with "family values," he sure does hate families. He totally spurns his own, and tries to get other people to do the same. I guess Jesus probably eats Thanksgiving dinner alone and pretends to be Anne Frank too.

These chapters also contain some pretty famous parables, some of which I'll share. The parable of the lost sheep and the parable of the lost coin are basically synonymous, but I preferred the latter because it is phrased in a more amusing way. A woman has ten coins and loses one; Jesus asks, "Does [she] not light a lamp and sweep the house and seek diligently until she finds it? And when she has found it, she calls together her friends and neighbors, saying, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found the coin that I had lost!'" (Luke 15:8-9). Could you imagine if your friend called you up because they'd found a quarter they lost and asked you to celebrate with them? It's pretty funny.

This chapter also contains the return of the prodigal son, which you must know but I'll tell you anyway. A man has two sons, one of whom demands his inheritance and a young age and subsequently squanders it. Impoverished, he decides to go home and ask his father to work as a servant, since he is unworthy to be called the man's son. The father, however, is overjoyed that his son who "was dead... is alive again" (Luke 15:24) and welcomes him back into the house. The well-behaved son complains about this, but the dad just tells him to SHUT UP.

It's a nice story! And apparently this is how God responds to sinners who repent, which is good to know.

In chapter 16 Jesus talks about how a person's decisions in small matters reflects their greater character: "One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much, and one who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much" (Luke 16:10). He eventually concludes that a person cannot serve two masters, and must choose between God and money.

We also have a pretty scary account about a rich man and a guy named Lazarus. Lazarus is a total loser, poor and covered in sores, and he lives at the edge of the rich man's property. The rich man blows him off, but when they both die Lazarus goes to heaven and the rich man goes to hell. He begs for help but none is granted. He then asks if he can be resurrected to warn his brothers, but God replies, "If they do not hear Moses and the Prophets, neither will they be convinced if someone should rise from the dead" (Luke 16:31). Yeah, spooky ghosts are definitely not as convincing as BOOKS WRITTEN BY DEAD GUYS. What the fuck, man.

Chapters 17 and 18 don't have a lot of new stuff... Then chapter 19 contains a pretty weird story about a tax collector named Zacchaeus, who runs to see Jesus and has to climb up a tree because he's so short. Jesus sees him and tells him to get out of the tree so they can have a SLEEPOVER, and when the Pharisees see it they get all whiny because Zacchaeus is a sinner. Zacchaeus explains that he's started giving half of his stuff to the poor, however, so Jesus decides he's an okay guy!

It is interesting to note that the people seemed to think the "Kingdom of God" was coming sooner rather than later; the author remarks that Jesus "proceeded to tell another parable, because he was near to Jerusalem, and because [the people] supposed that the kingdom of God was to appear immediately" (Luke 19:11).

Jesus has his "triumphant" entry into Jerusalem, this time riding a colt instead of a donkey -- I think they're basically interchangeable, although Luke doesn't mention the bit about a donkey representing peace while a horse represents war. The Pharisees tell Jesus to rebuke his disciples when they call him the king, but Jesus gives a snarky response: "I tell you, if these were silent, the very stones would cry out" (Luke 19:40). Somebody has an ego!

The rest of the reading is stuff we already saw in Matthew and Mark: Jesus goes all Axl Rose and fucks up the temple, tells parables, talks to the Sadducees about resurrection, responds to the Pharisees who challenge his authority, describes the end of days... The norm. Tomorrow we finish Luke and start John, which is not a synoptic Gospel and should be very interesting! Until then, later gators.