Day 71, Matthew 13-22

The saga continues! Chapter 13 opens with some more teachings and parables from everyone's favorite messiah, bookended with the mantra, "He who has ears, let him hear" (Matthew 13:9). We've got the parable of the sower, where a "farmer" (ie God) throws "seeds" (ie people) onto the earth. Some of them land on rock and can't take root, some of them land in the thorns and are choked as they grow, and some of them land in fertile soil and flourish. In other words, some of you are going to be fuck-ups and there's NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO!! The next parable is about weeds and grain, which grow up together but are parted from each other at the harvest. The big theme of Jesus's teachings in this chapter is the separation of good from evil on Judgment Day.

At the end of the chapter Jesus goes to Nazareth to preach, but everyone totally blows him off, asking, "Where did this man get this wisdom and these mighty works? Is this the carpenter's son?" (Matthew 13:54-55). Jesus eventually has to shrug them off, lamenting, "A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and in his own household" (Matthew 13:57). Truer words haven't been spoken. Gene Simmons can have the longest tongue and all the women in the world, but to his mother he'll always be little Chaim Witz. Jesus resolves not to preach in Nazareth again.

In chapter 14 we receive some sad news about the fate of John the Baptist, who Herod (that is, Herod Antipas, son of Herod the Great and tetrarch of Galilee) believes is reincarnated in Jesus or something. You see, John was critical of Herod's illicit relationship with Herodias, his sister-in-law. Yes, her name is Herodias. Anyway, Herod doesn't want to kill him because he knows it will piss off the masses, but he imprisons the prophet and on a drunken night one thing leads to another and eventually Herodias is performing lap dances and John's severed head is on a platter! Gotta pass on the tequila next time.

T.S. Eliot alludes to the event in my FAVORITE POEM EVER, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock:

Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet -- and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

So cool! See, this is why you've gotta read the bible. So you can understand pretentious poets.

After this brief interlude we return to our regularly scheduled programming. Jesus is popular as ever and is having difficulty escaping the masses. He gets on a boat but they just follow him, so he performs some crazy messiah trick and multiplies enough bread to feed five thousand people. Later that day, the apostles are out in their boat and they see Jesus walking on the water. Like the little bitch he is, Peter demands, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water" (Matthew 14:25). Jesus complies, but Peter's lack of faith makes him start to sink and Jesus has to come to the rescue.

In chapter 15 Jesus gets into a minor bitch fight with the Pharisees, who continue to be critical of his odd customs. One of their complaints is that Jesus never washes his hands, but Jesus explains to them that "it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth" (Matthew 15:11). It's a nice message, but you really should wash your hands, Jesus. There are a lot of germs in ancient Palestine!

They continue badgering him, asking for a sign that he is the messiah, but he refuses to give one. Apparently only Jesus's pals are allowed to have proof of anything. On that note, we also find out how Peter got his super cool nickname. The apostles and Jesus were having a chat, during which Peter declares that Jesus is anointed by God, the "Christ." Jesus is so touched by this show of devotion that he declares, "I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church" (Matthew 16:18). So that's why he's a rock! I thought it was like "block-head."

Never one for tact, Jesus puts a serious damper on the mood by telling his friends that he has to go into Jerusalem to die. Peter protests, but Jesus tells him to stop being annoying: "You are not setting your mind on the things of God," he says, "but on the things of man" (Matthew 16:23).

In chapter 17, Jesus takes Peter, John, and James up on a mountain, where he is "transfigured before them, and his face shone like the sun, and his clothes became white as light" (Matthew 17:2). The three apostles see the figures of Moses and Elijah, which prompts Peter to offer to set up tents -- presumably so they can roast marshmallows together and tell scary stories -- but then the voice of God rings out over the mountain and scares the shit out of him. Jesus is all like, "Chill guys, that's just my dad." The apostles ask about Elijah -- who is supposed to come  before the messiah -- and Jesus explains that this was John the Baptist.

The gang comes down from the mountain and Jesus sets out to heal more people. However, his patience seems to be wearing thin at this point: "O faithless and twisted generation," he proclaims when a woman asks him to perform an exorcism, "how long am I to be with you?" (Matthew 17:17). Not much longer, pal. Not much longer.

The rest of the reading consists of mostly teachings: we've got a lot of parables intermixed with some brief but important plot development. I won't go into the parables in detail, although they are excellent, but the gist of them is that you should be forgiving, that God loves everyone equally, and that it's possible to redeem yourself after sinning. He shows off his Nice Guy tendencies by talking about how much he loves children -- "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children you will never enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 18:3) -- and also reveals his Communist sympathies. Seriously, we might as well call him Chairman Christ. He tells a wealthy man to sell all his possessions and give his money to the poor, then turns to the crowd and says, "I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God" (Matthew 19:24).

In chapter 21, Jesus finally enters Jerusalem, fulfilling the prophecy we read back in Zechariah by riding into town on a donkey. At this point, everyone is super psyched to see him, waving palm leaves and cheering. He does little to endear himself to the authorities, however, because right away he stops by the temple and starts FUCKING SHIT UP. He knocks over tables and drives out the people, declaring, "It is written, 'My house shall be called a house of prayer,' but you make it a den of robbers" (Matthew 21:13). If you're anything like me -- and your first exposure to this story was Jesus Christ Superstar -- you're probably imagining the temple as being full of prostitutes and gambling and the like. But it really wasn't. The temple was the most integral and sacred part of the Jewish religion during the 1st century CE, and its sanctity was really meticulously preserved. There were sales going on, sure -- but it was just the selling of ritually pure animals for sacrifices, and exchange of currency. One of the big questions that New Testament scholars ask is why Jesus felt such animosity towards the temple; it is possible that he, like the representatives of many other fringe groups, felt that the priestly office was occupied by the wrong people. If I remember correctly, at this point in history the tetrarch was in charge of choosing the high priests.

He and his friends leave town for the night, and in the morning Jesus encounters a fig tree with no fruit. He was HUNGRY, GODDAMNIT, and this incident pisses him off so much that he curses the tree, preventing it from ever bearing fruit again. Okay. At this point, he's just committing vandalism. He might as well get some spray paint and write "JESUS WUZ HERE" on the Wailing Wall.

Jesus goes into the temple to preach, at which point the priests challenge his authority. Like the irritable fellow he has come to be, he tells them to get lost and keeps telling parables, some of which are at the expense of the priests and Pharisees. Today's reading ends with a nice little piece of advice from Jesus. A man asks him which commandments are the most important, and he replies, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets" (Matthew 22:37-40).

He is just such a sweetie! A sad, doomed, fatalistic sweetheart.

More tomorrow!