Quite a bit of material today! I love when books are short enough that I can read them in one day, it makes me feel so accomplished. All this stuff is pretty great too, so get excited!
Ecclesiastes stays awesome throughout its duration, with the Speaker giving us some choice existentialist quotes: "Who can know," he asks, "what is good for anyone in this life, this brief span of futile existence through which one passes like a shadow? What is to happen afterwards here under the sun, who can tell?" (Ecc 6:12) I sure can't!!! But Godot will arrive any minute now, and maybe he can shed some light on the situation.
The nicest part about Ecclesiastes -- and the thing that makes it a million times cooler than Job -- is that despite his anguish, the Speaker has a really uplifting message, and it's not a cheap one either. He "commend[s] enjoyment, since there is nothing good for anyone to do here under the sun but to eat and drink and enjoy himself; this is all that will remain with him to reward his toil throughout the span of life which God grants him here under the sun" (Ecc 8:15). If you want a simpler version of that, here's a nice Kurt Vonnegut quote: "I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different." The Speaker tells us not to worry too much about life being SCARY AND INSCRUTABLE because he has "always perceived that God has so ordained it that no human being should be able to discover what is happening here" (Ecc 8:17). Well, there ya go.
The only issue I had with the Speaker is that he's kind of a misogynist, and to that end doesn't seem to know very much about women! In chapter 7 he remarks that "I have found one man in a thousand worthy to be called upright, but I have not found one woman among them all" (Ecc 7:27). Jerk! You obviously haven't met, uhh... Mother Theresa? I don't know. He goes on to show his ignorance of the female sex when he states, "As you do not know how a pregnant woman comes to have a body and a living spirit in her womb, so you do not know the work of God, the maker of all things" (Ecc 11:5). Well Speaker, let me explain this phenomenon to you: when a mommy and daddy love each other very much...
Just kidding! And all joking aside, having "a body and living spirit" in the womb is a pretty cool way to describe pregnancy.
The book ends with a description of old age and death, then a postscript about how you should fear and obey God. According to the footnotes, this was probably added later and "is in tension with the rest of the book." No kidding!
Next up we have Song of Songs, which is SEXY POETRY! Seriously, it's awesome. Whenever I hear people talk about the establishment of biblical canon, this book is always brought up. Why is it in here at all? In order to answer this question, some people have chosen to interpret it as an allegory "extol[ling] the virtues of deep rather than transient love." That's nice, but I think I'm just going to interpret it as SEXY POETRY because that seems a whole lot more fun.
The book depicts a dialogue between two young lovers, a bride and bridegroom. The bride wastes no time getting down to business, urging her boyfriend to "bring [her] into [his] chamber, O king" (Song 1:4). Their dialogue is generally sort of ode-like, with the two lovers praising each other. Sometimes they get a little raunchy too: "The curves of your thighs are like ornaments devised by a skilled craftsman," says the bridegroom. "...Your two breasts are like two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle" (Song 7:1-4). There are a lot of thinly veiled sexual euphemisms, like when the bridegroom requests, "Let me climb up into the palm to grasp its fronds" (Song 7:8), and throughout the work is the refrain, "I charge you, maidens of Jerusalem: Do not rouse or awaken love until it is ready." Interpret that as you will.
I underlined a ton of lines in this section, but I feel like it'd be redundant to share them all. Just know that there's a lot of good sexy material I've neglected to mention if you want to read this book yourself. It's a short one! Might be worth your while!
One thing I can't resist sharing, however, is this line: "How beautiful are your breasts, my sister and bride!" (Song 4:10). Apparently "sister" is a term of endearment in ancient Egypt, but just as I decided not to interpret this as an allegory, I'm also going to choose to ignore these minor technical details and MAKE INCEST JOKES!!!!
HAHAHAHAH INCEST!!!!
With that being said, onto Isaiah! The Book of Isaiah, named for a prolific prophet, is a rather lengthy tome that will have us occupied for the rest of the week. It concerns the reigns of the last four Judean kings, as well as the Exile. The first thirty-nine chapters consist of speeches, reports of Isaiah's activities, and an APPENDIX (don't we love those?), through which the prophet attempts to interpret the events of the turbulent period. Chapters 40-55 detail the exploits of an unnamed prophet who lived during the Exile, and the last ten chapters are about Jewish life and thought in Babylon. Sounds good!
The first five chapters of the book are basically Isaiah complaining about how naughty the Jews have been: "How the faithful city has played a whore!" he says of Jerusalem (Isaiah 1:21). Things get really saucy in chapter 3 when, in response to their unfaithfulness, God "smite[s] with baldness the women of Zion...mak[ing] bare their foreheads" (Isaiah 3:17). He makes them all hideously attractive and kills their husbands in war, so that by chapter 4 they're all super bummed out and have to "take hold of one man" (Isaiah 4:1) and beg him to marry them.
Chapter 5 explains the dire situation further with a parable about a vineyard. In the parable, a man plants a vineyard and builds a watchtower and wall around it, anticipating that it will yield quality grapes. However, the vineyard is shit and his crops turn out gross. Isaiah likens the vineyard to Israel, and the farmer to God.
So the gist of Isaiah so far is that God is pissed and Israel is about to get punished. Well, what else is new?
More of this tomorrow! See you then!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Day 50, Proverbs 22-31, Ecclesiastes 1-5
Today we finish up Proverbs and start the Book of Ecclesiastes, which -- in spite of being hard to spell -- is freaking AWESOME. But as the Senators' manager in Damn Yankees tells us, you gotta keep that horse before the cart. No getting ahead of ourselves! We will get there in due time, but for now let's continue where we left off!
Proverbs keeps basically the same tone throughout its entirety, deviating only slightly at times. For Psalms and Proverbs I've been switching back and forth between my hard copy study bible, which contains the "revised English version" of the text, and an online copy of the New International translation. Both of these are considered good translations by scholars, but it kind of freaks me out how they differ. For instance, one of my favorite lines from today's reading -- "Folly is deep-rooted in the hearts of children; a good beating will drive it out of them" (Proverbs 22:15) -- is translated benignly as "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away" in the New International version. The first translation has so much more gusto! Looking at two different English versions will really give you a sense of how much we amateur anglophone bible scholars miss out on by not understanding ancient Greek or Hebrew. So much can be lost in the translation.
Anyway, with that being said, here are my favorite proverbs from today.
- Proverbs 19:29-35: "Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has strife? Who has complaints? Who has needless bruises? Who has bloodshot eyes? Those who linger over wine, who go to sample bowls of mixed wine...In the end it bites like a snake and poisons like a viper. Your eyes will see strange sights, and your mind will imagine confusing things. You will be like one sleeping on the high seas, lying on top of the rigging. 'They hit me,' you will say, 'but I'm not hurt! They beat me, but I don't feel it! When will I wake up so I can find another drink?'" Sorry for kicking off with such a lengthy quote, but man is it great. I went to a Halloween party last night and I feel like this was directed specifically at me.
- Proverbs 25:16: "If you find honey, eat just enough -- too much of it, and you will vomit." Oh man, these are definitely targeted at me. Should have followed this advice before the Halloween party. Ughhhhh.
- Proverbs 27:5: "Better is open rebuke than hidden love." D'awwww. What about someone like Helga Pataki, who is the master of BOTH?
- Proverbs 27:6: "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." What does that even mean!?
These next three I just liked:
- Proverbs 27:17: "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."
- Proverbs 27:19: "As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart."
- Proverbs 17:20: "Death and Destruction are never satisfied, and neither are human eyes." That's intense! I dig it!
Chapter 30 continues on the path of INTENSITY.
- Proverbs 30:15-16: "There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, 'Enough!': the grave, the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire, which never says, 'Enough!'" That's kinda poetic! Is it just me? I thought it was nice.
- Proverbs 30:18-19: "There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a young woman." Awww. That's sweet. Or maybe just creepy and voyeuristic. Stop watching other peoples' courtship rituals, dude.
Proverbs concludes with an epilogue on the value of a "good wife," explaining that "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (Proverbs 31:30). Ladies, it doesn't matter how hot you are! You just have to fear God, and you'll get some. Don't worry.
Now, onto what may just be my favorite book of the bible thus far: Ecclesi-freakin'-astes. My study bible lets us know that this particular tome "stands alone in the Hebrew bible, both in theology and style." Written at some point during the third or fourth century BCE and sometimes incorrectly attributed to Solomon, the author (called the Speaker) contemplates the meaninglessness of life. I didn't know anyone was this existential back then! The Speaker puts Job to shame with his spiritual despair.
The book opens on an uplifting note, with the Speaker proclaiming, "Futility, utter futility...everything is futile" (Ecc 1:2). You've got my attention, pal. He goes onto lament that "Generations come and generations go, while the earth endures for ever" (Ecc 1:4), using the metaphor of all rivers running back to the sea to explain the pointlessness of life. In chapter two he continues to develop this thought, asking, "To what purpose have I been wise?... Alas, both wise and foolish are doomed to die!" (Ecc 2:15-16).
If I may be so self-indulgent, I'd like to share a stanza of a poem by Algernon Charles Swinburne called The Garden of Proserpine, which addresses similar themes. Actually, a lot of poems I like are thematically linked to Ecclesiastes. I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS!
Chapter 3 also contains a pretty famous section, which you might know from that song by That Band Your Parents Listened To When They Were Kids. You know. The one about turning, and seasons, and stuff. Oh, who cares. The section opens with "For everything its season, and for every activity under heaven its time" (Ecc 3:1) then goes on to list all the things there is time for: time to live and time to die, time to cry and time to laugh, etc. You know it! T.S. Eliot parodies its form in his poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock: "And indeed there will be time... There will be time to murder and create, / And time for all the works and days of hands / That lift and drop a question on your plate; / Time for you and time for me, / And time yet for a hundred indecisions / And for a hundred visions and revisions / Before the taking of a toast and tea."
GOD IT'S AWESOME!!!
The Speaker goes on to talk about a friend of his, who "toil[ed] endlessly but was never satisfied with his wealth" (Ecc 4:8). Come on guys, doesn't this stuff hit close to home? "For whom," the friend asks the Speaker, "am I toiling and denying myself the good things of life?" (Ecc 4:8). I dunno, man! I dunno! The Speaker finishes chapter 4 by talking about solidarity, and how companionship can make futile shitty pointless life a little bit better: "If two lie side by side they keep each other warm; but how can one keep warm by himself?" (Ecc 4:11). True that.
In chapter 5, the Speaker suggests that people should try and stay "under the radar" so to speak wherever God is concerned, because the deity is known to be something of a crazy asshole. Then he returns to the topic of the rich again, declaring that "No one who loves money can ever have enough, and no one who loves wealth enjoys any return from it" (Ecc 5:10). God he's so smart. The chapter ends with the Speaker urging people to enjoy life because it has no point and you might as well!!
Awesome. See you all tomorrow for the end of Ecclesiastes and the beginning of Isaiah!
Proverbs keeps basically the same tone throughout its entirety, deviating only slightly at times. For Psalms and Proverbs I've been switching back and forth between my hard copy study bible, which contains the "revised English version" of the text, and an online copy of the New International translation. Both of these are considered good translations by scholars, but it kind of freaks me out how they differ. For instance, one of my favorite lines from today's reading -- "Folly is deep-rooted in the hearts of children; a good beating will drive it out of them" (Proverbs 22:15) -- is translated benignly as "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away" in the New International version. The first translation has so much more gusto! Looking at two different English versions will really give you a sense of how much we amateur anglophone bible scholars miss out on by not understanding ancient Greek or Hebrew. So much can be lost in the translation.
Anyway, with that being said, here are my favorite proverbs from today.
- Proverbs 19:29-35: "Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has strife? Who has complaints? Who has needless bruises? Who has bloodshot eyes? Those who linger over wine, who go to sample bowls of mixed wine...In the end it bites like a snake and poisons like a viper. Your eyes will see strange sights, and your mind will imagine confusing things. You will be like one sleeping on the high seas, lying on top of the rigging. 'They hit me,' you will say, 'but I'm not hurt! They beat me, but I don't feel it! When will I wake up so I can find another drink?'" Sorry for kicking off with such a lengthy quote, but man is it great. I went to a Halloween party last night and I feel like this was directed specifically at me.
- Proverbs 25:16: "If you find honey, eat just enough -- too much of it, and you will vomit." Oh man, these are definitely targeted at me. Should have followed this advice before the Halloween party. Ughhhhh.
- Proverbs 27:5: "Better is open rebuke than hidden love." D'awwww. What about someone like Helga Pataki, who is the master of BOTH?
- Proverbs 27:6: "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." What does that even mean!?
These next three I just liked:
- Proverbs 27:17: "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."
- Proverbs 27:19: "As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart."
- Proverbs 17:20: "Death and Destruction are never satisfied, and neither are human eyes." That's intense! I dig it!
Chapter 30 continues on the path of INTENSITY.
- Proverbs 30:15-16: "There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, 'Enough!': the grave, the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire, which never says, 'Enough!'" That's kinda poetic! Is it just me? I thought it was nice.
- Proverbs 30:18-19: "There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a young woman." Awww. That's sweet. Or maybe just creepy and voyeuristic. Stop watching other peoples' courtship rituals, dude.
Proverbs concludes with an epilogue on the value of a "good wife," explaining that "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (Proverbs 31:30). Ladies, it doesn't matter how hot you are! You just have to fear God, and you'll get some. Don't worry.
Now, onto what may just be my favorite book of the bible thus far: Ecclesi-freakin'-astes. My study bible lets us know that this particular tome "stands alone in the Hebrew bible, both in theology and style." Written at some point during the third or fourth century BCE and sometimes incorrectly attributed to Solomon, the author (called the Speaker) contemplates the meaninglessness of life. I didn't know anyone was this existential back then! The Speaker puts Job to shame with his spiritual despair.
The book opens on an uplifting note, with the Speaker proclaiming, "Futility, utter futility...everything is futile" (Ecc 1:2). You've got my attention, pal. He goes onto lament that "Generations come and generations go, while the earth endures for ever" (Ecc 1:4), using the metaphor of all rivers running back to the sea to explain the pointlessness of life. In chapter two he continues to develop this thought, asking, "To what purpose have I been wise?... Alas, both wise and foolish are doomed to die!" (Ecc 2:15-16).
If I may be so self-indulgent, I'd like to share a stanza of a poem by Algernon Charles Swinburne called The Garden of Proserpine, which addresses similar themes. Actually, a lot of poems I like are thematically linked to Ecclesiastes. I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS!
"From too much love of living,The footnotes of my study bible note that Ecclesiastes clearly predates the time when notions of the afterlife came into Jewish consciousness. In chapter 3, the Speaker comments further on this, saying, "Who knows whether the spirit of a human being goes upward or whether the spirit of a beast goes downward to the earth?" (Ecc 3:21).
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no life lives for ever ;
That dead men rise up never ;
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere safe to sea."
Chapter 3 also contains a pretty famous section, which you might know from that song by That Band Your Parents Listened To When They Were Kids. You know. The one about turning, and seasons, and stuff. Oh, who cares. The section opens with "For everything its season, and for every activity under heaven its time" (Ecc 3:1) then goes on to list all the things there is time for: time to live and time to die, time to cry and time to laugh, etc. You know it! T.S. Eliot parodies its form in his poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock: "And indeed there will be time... There will be time to murder and create, / And time for all the works and days of hands / That lift and drop a question on your plate; / Time for you and time for me, / And time yet for a hundred indecisions / And for a hundred visions and revisions / Before the taking of a toast and tea."
GOD IT'S AWESOME!!!
The Speaker goes on to talk about a friend of his, who "toil[ed] endlessly but was never satisfied with his wealth" (Ecc 4:8). Come on guys, doesn't this stuff hit close to home? "For whom," the friend asks the Speaker, "am I toiling and denying myself the good things of life?" (Ecc 4:8). I dunno, man! I dunno! The Speaker finishes chapter 4 by talking about solidarity, and how companionship can make futile shitty pointless life a little bit better: "If two lie side by side they keep each other warm; but how can one keep warm by himself?" (Ecc 4:11). True that.
In chapter 5, the Speaker suggests that people should try and stay "under the radar" so to speak wherever God is concerned, because the deity is known to be something of a crazy asshole. Then he returns to the topic of the rich again, declaring that "No one who loves money can ever have enough, and no one who loves wealth enjoys any return from it" (Ecc 5:10). God he's so smart. The chapter ends with the Speaker urging people to enjoy life because it has no point and you might as well!!
Awesome. See you all tomorrow for the end of Ecclesiastes and the beginning of Isaiah!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Day 49, Proverbs 4-21
After Psalms I had pretty high hopes for Proverbs, and so far I'm a little disappointed. The first nine chapters were neat, but after that there are about twelve chapters listing "wise sayings." In some ways it felt like the secular version of Psalms (ie monotonous as hell) but every chapter had at least one nugget of wisdom that was pretty funny or weird, so it wasn't a complete loss. I'll summarize the first six chapters that I read today, then share my favorite sayings.
The narrative continues where it left off yesterday, with a father addressing his son on the subject of how to be wise. In chapter 4 he outlines the big points, urging his son to "keep [his] mouth from crooked speech" and "fix [his] gaze on what lies ahead" (Proverbs 4:24-25), among other things. In chapter 5 he cautions about PROSTITUTES, whose "lips...drip honey and [whose] tongue is smoother than oil" (Proverbs 5:3) but who will nonetheless bring harm. Chapter 6 follows with assorted warnings, most of which are also addressed in the extensive list of wise sayings so I'll refrain from detailing them at the moment.
In chapter 7 there is a pretty amusing section describing a man's interaction with a prostitute: "Come!" she says to him, "Let us drown ourselves in pleasure, let us abandon ourselves to a night of love; for my husband is not at home" (Proverbs 7:18). The author lets us know that however enticing this might be, the fool who goes with the prostitute is "like an ox on its way to be slaughtered" (Proverbs 7:22).
In chapters 8 and 9 Wisdom -- personified as a woman -- makes a speech discussing her virtues and warning that "all who hate me are in love with death" (Proverbs 8:36). Geez, that's heavy! Meanwhile, her foil, "Lady Stupidity," persists that "stolen water is sweet and bread eaten in secret tastes good" (Proverbs 9:17). Clearly she is doing her best David Bowie impression, although I think the line was actually, "Well the bitter comes out better on a stolen guitar, you're the blessed and we're the spiders from Mars." I wouldn't expect someone named Lady Stupidity to get it perfect, though.
At this point we move onto our SUPER FUN LIST OF WISE SAYINGS. Oh boy! I will share my favorites below, some of which are illogical, some of which are weird, and a few of which are actually, surprisingly, good advice!
- From chapter 11: "False scales are an abomination to the Lord, but accurate weights win his favor" (Proverbs 11:1). Tell this to my freaking doctor! Of course I weigh more right now, asshole, I'M WEARING PANTS! And it's right after lunch! GODDDDD.
- Proverbs 11:22: "Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without good sense." That is a pretty funny image! I guess this is an earlier version of the old classic, "I need you around like I need a hole in my head!"
- Proverbs 12:9: "Better to be nobody and yet have a servant than pretend to be somebody and have no food." I feel like I'm missing something... How are the two parts of this sentence connected? Why is being nobody with a servant the opposite of being somebody with food?
- Proverbs 13:7: "One person pretends to be rich, yet has nothing; another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth." Another one where I feel like I'm missing the point. Is this a nugget of wisdom or just... a scenario? Why would a rich person pretend to be poor, and why should we consider it a good thing?
- Proverbs 13:24: "Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them." Everyone knows this one, right? BEAT UP YOUR KIDS! YOU HAVE GOD'S PERMISSION!!! WAHOO!!!
- Proverbs 14:20: "The poor are shunned even by their neighbors, but the rich have many friends." How is this a proverb? How is this WISDOM? All you're telling me is that it sucks to be poor!
- Proverbs 16:16: "How much better to get wisdom than gold, to get insight rather than silver!" Yep. Keep telling yourself that, biblical writer.
- Proverbs 16:30: "Whoever winks with their eye is plotting perversity; whoever purses their lips is bent on evil." Fuck modern psychology! This is all you ever need to know about body language. Trust me.
- Proverbs 16:31: "Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained in the way of righteousness." Well, who knew? You don't have gray hair because you're old and decrepit! It's because you're righteous!
- Proverbs 17:19: "Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin; whoever builds a high gate invites destruction." Uh oh. A lot of people I know are in trouble.
- Proverbs 17:26: "If imposing a fine on the innocent is not good, surely to flog honest officials is not right." I just love the logical deduction in this one. Good job, biblical writer! The puzzle is coming together, huh?
- Proverbs 20:1: "Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise." Um... Bad news for you, McGill student body.
- Proverbs 20:30: "Blows and wounds scrub away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being." Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Violence! Sex! Actually, no sex. But violence! Yeah!
- Proverbs 21:9: "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Yeah, fuck bitches!
To conclude, I would like to share that this particular book of the bible makes frequent use of the word "sluggard" which I think is awesome.
Onward!
The narrative continues where it left off yesterday, with a father addressing his son on the subject of how to be wise. In chapter 4 he outlines the big points, urging his son to "keep [his] mouth from crooked speech" and "fix [his] gaze on what lies ahead" (Proverbs 4:24-25), among other things. In chapter 5 he cautions about PROSTITUTES, whose "lips...drip honey and [whose] tongue is smoother than oil" (Proverbs 5:3) but who will nonetheless bring harm. Chapter 6 follows with assorted warnings, most of which are also addressed in the extensive list of wise sayings so I'll refrain from detailing them at the moment.
In chapter 7 there is a pretty amusing section describing a man's interaction with a prostitute: "Come!" she says to him, "Let us drown ourselves in pleasure, let us abandon ourselves to a night of love; for my husband is not at home" (Proverbs 7:18). The author lets us know that however enticing this might be, the fool who goes with the prostitute is "like an ox on its way to be slaughtered" (Proverbs 7:22).
In chapters 8 and 9 Wisdom -- personified as a woman -- makes a speech discussing her virtues and warning that "all who hate me are in love with death" (Proverbs 8:36). Geez, that's heavy! Meanwhile, her foil, "Lady Stupidity," persists that "stolen water is sweet and bread eaten in secret tastes good" (Proverbs 9:17). Clearly she is doing her best David Bowie impression, although I think the line was actually, "Well the bitter comes out better on a stolen guitar, you're the blessed and we're the spiders from Mars." I wouldn't expect someone named Lady Stupidity to get it perfect, though.
At this point we move onto our SUPER FUN LIST OF WISE SAYINGS. Oh boy! I will share my favorites below, some of which are illogical, some of which are weird, and a few of which are actually, surprisingly, good advice!
- From chapter 11: "False scales are an abomination to the Lord, but accurate weights win his favor" (Proverbs 11:1). Tell this to my freaking doctor! Of course I weigh more right now, asshole, I'M WEARING PANTS! And it's right after lunch! GODDDDD.
- Proverbs 11:22: "Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without good sense." That is a pretty funny image! I guess this is an earlier version of the old classic, "I need you around like I need a hole in my head!"
- Proverbs 12:9: "Better to be nobody and yet have a servant than pretend to be somebody and have no food." I feel like I'm missing something... How are the two parts of this sentence connected? Why is being nobody with a servant the opposite of being somebody with food?
- Proverbs 13:7: "One person pretends to be rich, yet has nothing; another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth." Another one where I feel like I'm missing the point. Is this a nugget of wisdom or just... a scenario? Why would a rich person pretend to be poor, and why should we consider it a good thing?
- Proverbs 13:24: "Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them." Everyone knows this one, right? BEAT UP YOUR KIDS! YOU HAVE GOD'S PERMISSION!!! WAHOO!!!
- Proverbs 14:20: "The poor are shunned even by their neighbors, but the rich have many friends." How is this a proverb? How is this WISDOM? All you're telling me is that it sucks to be poor!
- Proverbs 16:16: "How much better to get wisdom than gold, to get insight rather than silver!" Yep. Keep telling yourself that, biblical writer.
- Proverbs 16:30: "Whoever winks with their eye is plotting perversity; whoever purses their lips is bent on evil." Fuck modern psychology! This is all you ever need to know about body language. Trust me.
- Proverbs 16:31: "Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained in the way of righteousness." Well, who knew? You don't have gray hair because you're old and decrepit! It's because you're righteous!
- Proverbs 17:19: "Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin; whoever builds a high gate invites destruction." Uh oh. A lot of people I know are in trouble.
- Proverbs 17:26: "If imposing a fine on the innocent is not good, surely to flog honest officials is not right." I just love the logical deduction in this one. Good job, biblical writer! The puzzle is coming together, huh?
- Proverbs 20:1: "Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise." Um... Bad news for you, McGill student body.
- Proverbs 20:30: "Blows and wounds scrub away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being." Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Violence! Sex! Actually, no sex. But violence! Yeah!
- Proverbs 21:9: "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Yeah, fuck bitches!
To conclude, I would like to share that this particular book of the bible makes frequent use of the word "sluggard" which I think is awesome.
Onward!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Day 48, Psalms 120-150, Proverbs 1-3
This last batch of psalms have been, for the most part, blissfully short. Not a lot of weirdness, just the standard crap about how great and merciful God is. Of greatest interest is Psalm 137, probably the most famous in the bible; it opens the with the line, "By the rivers of Babylon we sat down and wept / when we remembered Zion" (Psalm 137:1). You know it, right?! You know it, I know it, we all know it. How freaking great.
It's a pretty standard "lament" psalm, but I got a little excited over it just because it crops up periodically in literature. For instance, in The Wasteland by T.S. Eliot there is a line that mirrors the first verse of the psalm: "By the waters of Leman I sat down and wept..." And William Faulkner got the title of his book, If I Forget Thee, Jerusalem from the following line: "If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget her cunning" (Psalm 137:5).
Awesome!
Anyway, after that brief moment of light and clarity in the endless abyss of stupid psalms, I finally emerged from the wreckage and began to read Proverbs. FINALLY!
I'm not exactly sure how Proverbs is going to shake out, but from the introduction and first three chapters it seems very interesting. One of the more secular books of the bible, Proverbs borrows from non-Israelite wisdom traditions, particularly those of the Egyptians, to "represent the results of a search for a divinely sustained cosmic order in the lessons derived from human experience." The first nine chapters, which are the youngest, tend to be slightly more religious in nature than the rest of the book.
Chapter 1 serves as something of an introduction, explaining the importance of understanding proverbs and stating that "the fear of the Lord is the foundation of knowledge" (Proverbs 1:7). Oh boy. The author goes on to warn against sinfulness, then describes wisdom, personified as a woman. Chapters 2 and 3 basically continue on this note, urging the student to "take [these] words to heart" (Proverbs 2:1) and obey human teachers and God.
I think tomorrow we will get into the juicy stuff, but today we'll just have to be happy that we finally finished Psalms. I'm going to go eat jam out of the jar. See you tomorrow!
It's a pretty standard "lament" psalm, but I got a little excited over it just because it crops up periodically in literature. For instance, in The Wasteland by T.S. Eliot there is a line that mirrors the first verse of the psalm: "By the waters of Leman I sat down and wept..." And William Faulkner got the title of his book, If I Forget Thee, Jerusalem from the following line: "If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget her cunning" (Psalm 137:5).
Awesome!
Anyway, after that brief moment of light and clarity in the endless abyss of stupid psalms, I finally emerged from the wreckage and began to read Proverbs. FINALLY!
I'm not exactly sure how Proverbs is going to shake out, but from the introduction and first three chapters it seems very interesting. One of the more secular books of the bible, Proverbs borrows from non-Israelite wisdom traditions, particularly those of the Egyptians, to "represent the results of a search for a divinely sustained cosmic order in the lessons derived from human experience." The first nine chapters, which are the youngest, tend to be slightly more religious in nature than the rest of the book.
Chapter 1 serves as something of an introduction, explaining the importance of understanding proverbs and stating that "the fear of the Lord is the foundation of knowledge" (Proverbs 1:7). Oh boy. The author goes on to warn against sinfulness, then describes wisdom, personified as a woman. Chapters 2 and 3 basically continue on this note, urging the student to "take [these] words to heart" (Proverbs 2:1) and obey human teachers and God.
I think tomorrow we will get into the juicy stuff, but today we'll just have to be happy that we finally finished Psalms. I'm going to go eat jam out of the jar. See you tomorrow!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Day 47, Psalms 101-119
When I saw I only had to read like twenty chapters today I got excited, but of course all it means is that they're freaking LONG. Psalm 119, which we will address later on, is actually the longest chapter in the bible, and has more verses than thirteen Old Testament books! What the fuck, Biblical Poet?!
My observations:
- God is a total asshole in Psalm 117, making a bunch of sailors to freak out by causing a giant storm and then stopping it when he gets bored to prove how AWESOME and POWERFUL he is. Once the storm ends the sailors "give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love" (Psalms 107:31). If he loved you so much, maybe he would fuck with you less, sailors!
- Psalm 110 opens with the weird line, "The Lord says to my lord" (Psalms 110:1). What the hell does that mean? Obviously the upper-case Lord refers to God, and I would guess that "lord" refers to a king or something, but geez louise. The thesaurus is your friend, Biblical Poet!
- Psalm 114 delighted me because it is the first psalm that RHYMES like a REAL POEM, and is sort of Doctor Seuss-esque. Here is the stanza of interest: "The sea looked and fled, / the Jordan turned back; / the mountains leaped like rams, / the hills like lambs" (Psalm 114:3-4). Lambs and rams! What a great line! Later on in the poem, Thing One and Thing Two come and cause some trouble. Just kidding. That doesn't happen.
- Psalm 117 is the best because it's only ONE STANZA! I LOVE YOU PSALM 117.
- Psalm 119, on the other hand, fucking sucks. Oh man is it ever lengthy. It's an "acrostic poem" meaning each line begins with a successive letter in the Hebrew alphabet, but obviously that is lost on us anglophiles. Also, the writer is an insufferable brown-noser who goes on and on about how freaking WONDERFUL God's laws are: "My soul," he writes, "is consumed with longing / for your laws at all times" (Psalm 119:20). The author later comments that he is "lowly and despised" (Psalm 119:141) which is no surprise to me, considering he's such an obnoxious suck-up.
That's it for the day. I'm going to class now. After awhile, crocodiles.
My observations:
- God is a total asshole in Psalm 117, making a bunch of sailors to freak out by causing a giant storm and then stopping it when he gets bored to prove how AWESOME and POWERFUL he is. Once the storm ends the sailors "give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love" (Psalms 107:31). If he loved you so much, maybe he would fuck with you less, sailors!
- Psalm 110 opens with the weird line, "The Lord says to my lord" (Psalms 110:1). What the hell does that mean? Obviously the upper-case Lord refers to God, and I would guess that "lord" refers to a king or something, but geez louise. The thesaurus is your friend, Biblical Poet!
- Psalm 114 delighted me because it is the first psalm that RHYMES like a REAL POEM, and is sort of Doctor Seuss-esque. Here is the stanza of interest: "The sea looked and fled, / the Jordan turned back; / the mountains leaped like rams, / the hills like lambs" (Psalm 114:3-4). Lambs and rams! What a great line! Later on in the poem, Thing One and Thing Two come and cause some trouble. Just kidding. That doesn't happen.
- Psalm 117 is the best because it's only ONE STANZA! I LOVE YOU PSALM 117.
- Psalm 119, on the other hand, fucking sucks. Oh man is it ever lengthy. It's an "acrostic poem" meaning each line begins with a successive letter in the Hebrew alphabet, but obviously that is lost on us anglophiles. Also, the writer is an insufferable brown-noser who goes on and on about how freaking WONDERFUL God's laws are: "My soul," he writes, "is consumed with longing / for your laws at all times" (Psalm 119:20). The author later comments that he is "lowly and despised" (Psalm 119:141) which is no surprise to me, considering he's such an obnoxious suck-up.
That's it for the day. I'm going to class now. After awhile, crocodiles.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Day 46, Psalms 74-100
Psalms continues to be so excruciatingly boring that I want to claw my eyes out so I have an excuse to stop reading. But alas, I made a commitment to this project, and as I said in my bio, I FINISH WHAT I START!
But seriously, every time there's one that's more than a few stanzas I'm like OH SWEET JESUS ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My scant observations:
Psalm 78 is one of those obnoxious long ones, but it contains this gem: "[God] rained meat down on [the people] like dust, birds like sand on the seashore" (Psalms 79:27). Oh wow, what an image! Raining meat!
Psalm 82 is actually kind of interesting, describing God ruling over the divine assembly, "render[ing] judgement among the 'gods'" (Psalms 82:1). What most people don't realize is that although Judaism and Christianity are regarded as monotheistic religions, during ancient times most people believed in multiple gods. The issue that Jews had with the gods of the Canaanites and Moabites and so on wasn't that they didn't exist, but that they were inferior to the Hebrew god. In psalm 82, these gods are said to "know nothing...[and] understand nothing. They walk about in darkness" (Psalm 82:5).
Psalm 87 reasserts the importance of Jerusalem. I don't even know why I liked it. Probably because it was a little different and therefore incrementally less boring than the rest of these dumb poems. And come to think of it, I actually relate to it a little bit: "Indeed, of Zion, it will be said, / 'This one and that one were born in her, / and the Most High himself will establish her.' / The Lord will write in the register of the peoples: / 'This one was born in Zion'" (Psalms 87:5-6).
Replace "Zion" with The Noble and Mighty Bear Flag Republic of California, and you've got me! God, I sure know what it's like to be awesome just by virtue of where I'm from.
Although I usually refrain from using this particular trope, because it's overdone, I cannot help but think of Psalm 88 as the emo psalm. After the biblical poet wrote this he probably dyed his hair black and put on striped knee socks and went shopping at Hot Topic. It contains such lines as "I am set apart with the dead, / like the slain who lie in the grave, / whom you remember no more, / who are cut off from your care" (Psalms 88:5) and "Darkness is my closest friend" (Psalms 88:18). Gee whiz.
That's all I got! Two more days of this. Let's keep on keeping on.
But seriously, every time there's one that's more than a few stanzas I'm like OH SWEET JESUS ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My scant observations:
Psalm 78 is one of those obnoxious long ones, but it contains this gem: "[God] rained meat down on [the people] like dust, birds like sand on the seashore" (Psalms 79:27). Oh wow, what an image! Raining meat!
Psalm 82 is actually kind of interesting, describing God ruling over the divine assembly, "render[ing] judgement among the 'gods'" (Psalms 82:1). What most people don't realize is that although Judaism and Christianity are regarded as monotheistic religions, during ancient times most people believed in multiple gods. The issue that Jews had with the gods of the Canaanites and Moabites and so on wasn't that they didn't exist, but that they were inferior to the Hebrew god. In psalm 82, these gods are said to "know nothing...[and] understand nothing. They walk about in darkness" (Psalm 82:5).
Psalm 87 reasserts the importance of Jerusalem. I don't even know why I liked it. Probably because it was a little different and therefore incrementally less boring than the rest of these dumb poems. And come to think of it, I actually relate to it a little bit: "Indeed, of Zion, it will be said, / 'This one and that one were born in her, / and the Most High himself will establish her.' / The Lord will write in the register of the peoples: / 'This one was born in Zion'" (Psalms 87:5-6).
Replace "Zion" with The Noble and Mighty Bear Flag Republic of California, and you've got me! God, I sure know what it's like to be awesome just by virtue of where I'm from.
Although I usually refrain from using this particular trope, because it's overdone, I cannot help but think of Psalm 88 as the emo psalm. After the biblical poet wrote this he probably dyed his hair black and put on striped knee socks and went shopping at Hot Topic. It contains such lines as "I am set apart with the dead, / like the slain who lie in the grave, / whom you remember no more, / who are cut off from your care" (Psalms 88:5) and "Darkness is my closest friend" (Psalms 88:18). Gee whiz.
That's all I got! Two more days of this. Let's keep on keeping on.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Day 45, Psalms 47-73
First off, IT'S DAY 45!!! WE'RE AT THE HALFWAY MARK! WAHOO!!!!!!
Secondly, I want to apologize, because I wrote this yesterday and then totally forgot to post it. So to my clamoring readership, I am sorry.
Anyway, today we continue with Psalms, which remain boring. It may seem like I don't have a lot of observations. I want to let you know that I actually do, it just so happens that most of them are stupid, unspeakably vulgar, or involve semen, so I'm opting not to share them. But they're there. Rest assured, they're there.
The thing that annoys me most about the psalms is that on top of being repetitive, they are also incredibly morally one-dimensional. It's like someone took all the most unsatisfying conclusions drawn in the Book of Job and wrote sixty billion poems about them. I'm a 21st century woman! I want moral ambiguity! I want torment and angst! And mostly, I want sex and violence. Psalms is just not doing it for me.
That being said, I picked out a few areas of interest. I thought Psalm 49 was pretty cool; it's about how all people die and so it doesn't really matter if someone is rich and you're poor because one day you'll both be DEAD!! People, the author writes, "are like sheep and are destined to die; / death will be their shepherd" (Psalms 49:14). He goes on to tell us not to be "overawed when others grow rich, / when the splendor of their houses increases; / for they will take nothing with them when they die, / their splendor will not descend with them" (Psalms 49:16-17). True that, Psalms! Everyone DIES!!
Also of note: although the rich are described as "descending" after death, it doesn't mean that they're going to hell. Jews believed that everyone went to Sheol, which is -- to my understanding -- sort of like the Greek Hades: a dark, contemplative, boring place.
Psalm 53 is about CRAZY FOOLS who don't believe in God. Imagine that! It mentions that these people are "overwhelmed with dread, / where there was nothing to dread" (Psalms 53:5). Nothing to dread?! Maybe they have an econ midterm on Wednesday. Okay, biblical poet? Did you ever think of that?
In Psalm 55, there's a sort-of neat line, spoken in anguish: "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! / I would fly away and be at rest. / I would flee far away / and stay in the desert; / I would hurry to my place of shelter, / far from the tempest and storm" (Psalms 55:6-8). Well, that's kind of poetic. We've all been there, I guess.
Lastly, Psalm 56 talks about being pursued by enemies, but affirms, "In God I trust and am not afraid. / What can man do to me?" (Psalms 56:11). Man can do a LOT to you, Mister Biblical Poet. But it's a nice thought. You're cute and earnest. I like that.
We have three more days of Psalms and then move onto Proverbs, which has got to be better than this. Hang in there.
Secondly, I want to apologize, because I wrote this yesterday and then totally forgot to post it. So to my clamoring readership, I am sorry.
Anyway, today we continue with Psalms, which remain boring. It may seem like I don't have a lot of observations. I want to let you know that I actually do, it just so happens that most of them are stupid, unspeakably vulgar, or involve semen, so I'm opting not to share them. But they're there. Rest assured, they're there.
The thing that annoys me most about the psalms is that on top of being repetitive, they are also incredibly morally one-dimensional. It's like someone took all the most unsatisfying conclusions drawn in the Book of Job and wrote sixty billion poems about them. I'm a 21st century woman! I want moral ambiguity! I want torment and angst! And mostly, I want sex and violence. Psalms is just not doing it for me.
That being said, I picked out a few areas of interest. I thought Psalm 49 was pretty cool; it's about how all people die and so it doesn't really matter if someone is rich and you're poor because one day you'll both be DEAD!! People, the author writes, "are like sheep and are destined to die; / death will be their shepherd" (Psalms 49:14). He goes on to tell us not to be "overawed when others grow rich, / when the splendor of their houses increases; / for they will take nothing with them when they die, / their splendor will not descend with them" (Psalms 49:16-17). True that, Psalms! Everyone DIES!!
Also of note: although the rich are described as "descending" after death, it doesn't mean that they're going to hell. Jews believed that everyone went to Sheol, which is -- to my understanding -- sort of like the Greek Hades: a dark, contemplative, boring place.
Psalm 53 is about CRAZY FOOLS who don't believe in God. Imagine that! It mentions that these people are "overwhelmed with dread, / where there was nothing to dread" (Psalms 53:5). Nothing to dread?! Maybe they have an econ midterm on Wednesday. Okay, biblical poet? Did you ever think of that?
In Psalm 55, there's a sort-of neat line, spoken in anguish: "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! / I would fly away and be at rest. / I would flee far away / and stay in the desert; / I would hurry to my place of shelter, / far from the tempest and storm" (Psalms 55:6-8). Well, that's kind of poetic. We've all been there, I guess.
Lastly, Psalm 56 talks about being pursued by enemies, but affirms, "In God I trust and am not afraid. / What can man do to me?" (Psalms 56:11). Man can do a LOT to you, Mister Biblical Poet. But it's a nice thought. You're cute and earnest. I like that.
We have three more days of Psalms and then move onto Proverbs, which has got to be better than this. Hang in there.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Day 44, Psalms 21-46
Wow. I've got to say, I'm really trying with these Psalms, but nothing I do can make them even remotely interesting. I feel like if I was a better biblical scholar I would know their SECRET POINT and enjoy them more, but as far as I can tell they're just repetitive poems about how great God is. Apparently scholars group them into assorted categories like laments, hymns, etc, and I tried to read about that, but it didn't make them cooler so I gave up. All I have to offer you are a few snarky comments. I hope that's okay.
Actually, I'm going to start with a non-snarky observation. Psalm 22 opens with the line, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Psalms 22:1). Hey, that's what Jesus said on the cross! Even while he was gruesomely dying he was able to make a nice little literary allusion. That's dedication!
Psalm 23 is one of the most famous poems in the book, opening with the line, "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall want for nothing" (Psalms 23:1) or some variation of that. I only know it because Pink Floyd parodies it in one of their songs. Also, this psalm contains some mention of the "shadow of the valley of death" (Psalms 23:4) which is definitely from some rap song. Am I right? I know I'm right.
Psalm 25 contains the line "Do not remember the sins of my youth / and my rebellious ways" (Psalm 25:7). YES. I AGREE WITH THIS, and someone needs to tell my parents, who have pictures of me in middle school plastered all over the walls of their house. Goddamnit.
Psalm 26 contains the line, "Lord, I love the house where you live, / the place where your glory dwells" (Psalms 26:8) which I thought was funny because I imagined some stereotypically gay guy going into God's house and being like, "Oh geez I love what you've done with the place!!!"
Are these observations completely retarded? Bear with me, I have no freaking material to work with!
In Psalm 29, it is said that "the Lord... makes Lebanon leap like a calf" (Psalm 29:6). That's quite the trick! Can he make Syria roll over? Can he make Egypt play dead?
From Psalm 37: "I was young and now I am old, / yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken / or their children begging bread" (Psalm 37:25). We already went over this back in Job, but whoever wrote this OBVIOUSLY ISN'T PAYING ANY GODDAMN ATTENTION. STOP BEING DUMB, BIBLICAL POET.
Last but not least we have a weird line from Psalm 42: "As the deer pants for streams of water / so my soul pants for you, my God" (Psalms 42:1). In my delirious, bored state, I found this line weirdly sexual. Is it just me? It's just me, huh.
Geez Louise. I am really sorry to disappoint, and I'm even more sorry that we still have a whole week of this crap. I will continue looking for ways to make it interesting. Today I tried substituting "the Lord" with other, funnier names, but that didn't work. Tomorrow I will brainstorm a new scheme.
Actually, I'm going to start with a non-snarky observation. Psalm 22 opens with the line, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Psalms 22:1). Hey, that's what Jesus said on the cross! Even while he was gruesomely dying he was able to make a nice little literary allusion. That's dedication!
Psalm 23 is one of the most famous poems in the book, opening with the line, "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall want for nothing" (Psalms 23:1) or some variation of that. I only know it because Pink Floyd parodies it in one of their songs. Also, this psalm contains some mention of the "shadow of the valley of death" (Psalms 23:4) which is definitely from some rap song. Am I right? I know I'm right.
Psalm 25 contains the line "Do not remember the sins of my youth / and my rebellious ways" (Psalm 25:7). YES. I AGREE WITH THIS, and someone needs to tell my parents, who have pictures of me in middle school plastered all over the walls of their house. Goddamnit.
Psalm 26 contains the line, "Lord, I love the house where you live, / the place where your glory dwells" (Psalms 26:8) which I thought was funny because I imagined some stereotypically gay guy going into God's house and being like, "Oh geez I love what you've done with the place!!!"
Are these observations completely retarded? Bear with me, I have no freaking material to work with!
In Psalm 29, it is said that "the Lord... makes Lebanon leap like a calf" (Psalm 29:6). That's quite the trick! Can he make Syria roll over? Can he make Egypt play dead?
From Psalm 37: "I was young and now I am old, / yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken / or their children begging bread" (Psalm 37:25). We already went over this back in Job, but whoever wrote this OBVIOUSLY ISN'T PAYING ANY GODDAMN ATTENTION. STOP BEING DUMB, BIBLICAL POET.
Last but not least we have a weird line from Psalm 42: "As the deer pants for streams of water / so my soul pants for you, my God" (Psalms 42:1). In my delirious, bored state, I found this line weirdly sexual. Is it just me? It's just me, huh.
Geez Louise. I am really sorry to disappoint, and I'm even more sorry that we still have a whole week of this crap. I will continue looking for ways to make it interesting. Today I tried substituting "the Lord" with other, funnier names, but that didn't work. Tomorrow I will brainstorm a new scheme.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Day 43, Job 36-42, Psalms 1-20
Today we finish up the Book of Job and begin Psalms. Remember when I said I thought Psalms would be boring? WELL I WAS RIGHT! But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, let's deal with our troubled pal Job.
Elihu's speech continues until chapter 37, and he basically sticks with his original premise: that God is beyond human comprehension and we just have to suck it up and accept that. In chapter 38 God himself appears from "out of the tempest" (Job 38:1) and launches into a long speech that essentially says, "What the fuck do you know, Job?" Except it's more poetic than that, with God explaining the wonders of running the universe: "In all your life," he asks Job, "have you ever called up the dawn or assigned the morning its place? Have you taught it to grasp the fringes of the earth and shake the Dog-star from the sky, to bring up the horizon in relief as clay under a seal, until all things stand out like the folds of a cloak, when the light of the Dog-star is dimmed and the stars of the Navigator's Line go out one by one?" (Job 39:12-14). You've got to hand it to whoever wrote this book, that's a neat line! And there are plenty more where it came from. Job is floored by God's speech, and only responds briefly in chapter 40: "What reply can I give you, I who carry no weight?" (Job 40:4). God then continues to discuss how cool he is, and ultimately Job apologizes for questioning him at all, saying, "I have spoken of things which I have not understood...[and] therefore I yield, repenting in dust and ashes" (Job 42:3-6). I for one was a little annoyed that Job had to apologize after going through ALL THAT CRAP but I guess the moral of the story is DON'T ASK QUESTIONS OR CHALLENGE THE WAY THE UNIVERSE WORKS BECAUSE YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.
That's a little disappointing!
Anyway, chapter 42 concludes with a brief epilogue, written in prose. After his apology, Job is rewarded mightily by God, who gives him back everything he had before and MORE. He has ten more children, and his daughters are mentioned to be named Jemimah, Keziah, and Keren-happuch. The footnotes let us know that these names translate to "dove," "cinnamon," and "horn of eye cosmetics." Well, okay Job. Whatever floats your boat.
The thing that always bothered me about this story is that the ending suggests that Job's original children were simply replaceable by new ones, one of whom has a cat's name. Cinnamon? Really? I guess the historical context should factor into how we view it, but I can't help being annoyed.
ANYWAY, enough of that. It's time to get started on Psalms!
The psalms, or "praises," are a compilation of one hundred and fifty -- yes, ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY -- poems, divided into five books. According to some scholar who was cited on Wikipedia, they "express virtually the full range of Israel's religious faith." Traditionally they are ascribed to David, although modern historians have deduced that some of them probably predate him and some are younger. My study bible describes Psalms as the "prayer book of the second temple" because during that period, it was used in liturgy. The Second Temple period, for those of you unaware, is the time spanning from the end of the Babylonian exile (520 BCE) to the fall of the temple in 70 CE. So Jesus probably knew these tunes, as did Simon bar Kochbah, Josephus, and all your other favorite characters from Antiquity. Awesome!
Today we embarked on the first book, which consists of the first 41 psalms. These are typically regarded as the oldest, and all but a few are directly attributed to David. Rather unfortunately, they are NOT INTERESTING AT ALL. There's no sex, violence, or ridiculous series of events to enjoy, like the better books of the bible. Just dumb poems about how swell God is, and they DON'T EVEN RHYME. Psalms is okay, I guess, but it ain't "Casey at the Bat."
The one thing I can think to share is a line from Psalm 11 that kind of amused me: "The Lord weighs just and unjust, and he hates all who love violence. He will rain fiery coals and brimstone on the wicked; scorching winds will be the portion they drink" (Psalms 11:5-6). Geez, God, for someone who hates violence, that's a pretty violent thing to do!!! As we young folks on the internet are wont to say, LOL!!!
That's it for today. I'm tired. But don't worry, because I will devise some way to make Psalms interesting. Give me a day, all right?!!
Elihu's speech continues until chapter 37, and he basically sticks with his original premise: that God is beyond human comprehension and we just have to suck it up and accept that. In chapter 38 God himself appears from "out of the tempest" (Job 38:1) and launches into a long speech that essentially says, "What the fuck do you know, Job?" Except it's more poetic than that, with God explaining the wonders of running the universe: "In all your life," he asks Job, "have you ever called up the dawn or assigned the morning its place? Have you taught it to grasp the fringes of the earth and shake the Dog-star from the sky, to bring up the horizon in relief as clay under a seal, until all things stand out like the folds of a cloak, when the light of the Dog-star is dimmed and the stars of the Navigator's Line go out one by one?" (Job 39:12-14). You've got to hand it to whoever wrote this book, that's a neat line! And there are plenty more where it came from. Job is floored by God's speech, and only responds briefly in chapter 40: "What reply can I give you, I who carry no weight?" (Job 40:4). God then continues to discuss how cool he is, and ultimately Job apologizes for questioning him at all, saying, "I have spoken of things which I have not understood...[and] therefore I yield, repenting in dust and ashes" (Job 42:3-6). I for one was a little annoyed that Job had to apologize after going through ALL THAT CRAP but I guess the moral of the story is DON'T ASK QUESTIONS OR CHALLENGE THE WAY THE UNIVERSE WORKS BECAUSE YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.
That's a little disappointing!
Anyway, chapter 42 concludes with a brief epilogue, written in prose. After his apology, Job is rewarded mightily by God, who gives him back everything he had before and MORE. He has ten more children, and his daughters are mentioned to be named Jemimah, Keziah, and Keren-happuch. The footnotes let us know that these names translate to "dove," "cinnamon," and "horn of eye cosmetics." Well, okay Job. Whatever floats your boat.
The thing that always bothered me about this story is that the ending suggests that Job's original children were simply replaceable by new ones, one of whom has a cat's name. Cinnamon? Really? I guess the historical context should factor into how we view it, but I can't help being annoyed.
ANYWAY, enough of that. It's time to get started on Psalms!
The psalms, or "praises," are a compilation of one hundred and fifty -- yes, ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY -- poems, divided into five books. According to some scholar who was cited on Wikipedia, they "express virtually the full range of Israel's religious faith." Traditionally they are ascribed to David, although modern historians have deduced that some of them probably predate him and some are younger. My study bible describes Psalms as the "prayer book of the second temple" because during that period, it was used in liturgy. The Second Temple period, for those of you unaware, is the time spanning from the end of the Babylonian exile (520 BCE) to the fall of the temple in 70 CE. So Jesus probably knew these tunes, as did Simon bar Kochbah, Josephus, and all your other favorite characters from Antiquity. Awesome!
Today we embarked on the first book, which consists of the first 41 psalms. These are typically regarded as the oldest, and all but a few are directly attributed to David. Rather unfortunately, they are NOT INTERESTING AT ALL. There's no sex, violence, or ridiculous series of events to enjoy, like the better books of the bible. Just dumb poems about how swell God is, and they DON'T EVEN RHYME. Psalms is okay, I guess, but it ain't "Casey at the Bat."
The one thing I can think to share is a line from Psalm 11 that kind of amused me: "The Lord weighs just and unjust, and he hates all who love violence. He will rain fiery coals and brimstone on the wicked; scorching winds will be the portion they drink" (Psalms 11:5-6). Geez, God, for someone who hates violence, that's a pretty violent thing to do!!! As we young folks on the internet are wont to say, LOL!!!
That's it for today. I'm tired. But don't worry, because I will devise some way to make Psalms interesting. Give me a day, all right?!!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Day 42, Job 16-35
Today we continue with Job, which continues to be an awesome book but also rather difficult to summarize. Truth be told, there isn't a lot of new content throughout these chapters, but the writing is interesting. Job and his friends don't really differ from their earlier positions, but simply find new ways to restate their points. It's that old biblical adage at work: when in doubt, repeat yourself, then repeat yourself six more times. So chapters 16 through 32 drive home the following points: Job is miserable and bewildered, while his friends are convinced that he must have sinned, and rather rudely tell him so. In chapter 19 Job calls them out for it -- "You have insulted me now a dozen times and shamelessly wronged me" (Job 19:2) -- but neither party is willing to yield.
I have suspicions that this saga is going to be resolved happily, but for the time being I'm enjoying how awful it is. Job is really dealing with some heavy stuff! While his friends stay rooted to their fairytale notion that righteousness always triumphs, he raises interesting questions and makes some poignant observations. He discusses the plight of the poor, who "rise early like the wild ass, when it scours the wilderness for food, but though they work till nightfall, their children go hungry" (Job 24:5-6). He describes his own desperate search for God: "If I go to the east, he is not there; if west, I cannot find him; when I turn north, I do not descry him; I face south, but he is not to be seen" (Job 23:8-9). It's a great moment because it's so real. It addresses a concern that continues to torment people today: the worry that our existence might actually be random and meaningless, and that good people won't always win out. OH MAN! JOB, YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE!
Job gets really existential when he talks about death: "I tell you this," he says. "One man dies crowned with success, lapped in security and comfort, his loins full of vigor and the marrow juicy in his bones; another dies in bitterness of soul, never having tasted prosperity. Side by side they are laid in the earth, and worms are the shroud of both" (Job 21:23-26). Oh my GOD! Who are you, Ivan Karamazov?!
His friends, by the way, continue to give him the cheapest answers conceivable. Chapter 28, which explores man's ingenuity, is a key example of this. The text opens with a description of mining for ores, saying, "Men master the darkness" (Job 28:3), then goes on to ask, "But where can wisdom be found?" (Job 28:12). I would recommend reading this chapter yourself, seriously, because it's really pretty, but the conclusion is unfathomably disappointing: "The fear of the Lord is wisdom, and to turn from evil, that is understanding!" (Job 28:28)
What bullshit! I want real answers, NOW!
In chapters 29 through 31 Job wraps up his discourse, reiterating everything he's already said. Then, in chapter 32, a young man named Elihu makes an appearance. He says that he had refrained from speaking earlier because he is so much younger than the other four men, but he was "angry because Job had made himself out to be more righteous than God" (Job 32:2) and couldn't restrain himself any longer. Elihu winds up assuming the role of a mediator, suggesting that although Job is righteous, he is not perfect. Overall he is a big fan of God and doesn't accept Job's existential whining.
Tomorrow we will finally get some resolution to this crazy tale, and then we can begin Psalms. I suspect that Psalms is going to be pretty boring, and there are a lot of them, so hang in there. We'll power through, friends!
I have suspicions that this saga is going to be resolved happily, but for the time being I'm enjoying how awful it is. Job is really dealing with some heavy stuff! While his friends stay rooted to their fairytale notion that righteousness always triumphs, he raises interesting questions and makes some poignant observations. He discusses the plight of the poor, who "rise early like the wild ass, when it scours the wilderness for food, but though they work till nightfall, their children go hungry" (Job 24:5-6). He describes his own desperate search for God: "If I go to the east, he is not there; if west, I cannot find him; when I turn north, I do not descry him; I face south, but he is not to be seen" (Job 23:8-9). It's a great moment because it's so real. It addresses a concern that continues to torment people today: the worry that our existence might actually be random and meaningless, and that good people won't always win out. OH MAN! JOB, YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE!
Job gets really existential when he talks about death: "I tell you this," he says. "One man dies crowned with success, lapped in security and comfort, his loins full of vigor and the marrow juicy in his bones; another dies in bitterness of soul, never having tasted prosperity. Side by side they are laid in the earth, and worms are the shroud of both" (Job 21:23-26). Oh my GOD! Who are you, Ivan Karamazov?!
His friends, by the way, continue to give him the cheapest answers conceivable. Chapter 28, which explores man's ingenuity, is a key example of this. The text opens with a description of mining for ores, saying, "Men master the darkness" (Job 28:3), then goes on to ask, "But where can wisdom be found?" (Job 28:12). I would recommend reading this chapter yourself, seriously, because it's really pretty, but the conclusion is unfathomably disappointing: "The fear of the Lord is wisdom, and to turn from evil, that is understanding!" (Job 28:28)
What bullshit! I want real answers, NOW!
In chapters 29 through 31 Job wraps up his discourse, reiterating everything he's already said. Then, in chapter 32, a young man named Elihu makes an appearance. He says that he had refrained from speaking earlier because he is so much younger than the other four men, but he was "angry because Job had made himself out to be more righteous than God" (Job 32:2) and couldn't restrain himself any longer. Elihu winds up assuming the role of a mediator, suggesting that although Job is righteous, he is not perfect. Overall he is a big fan of God and doesn't accept Job's existential whining.
Tomorrow we will finally get some resolution to this crazy tale, and then we can begin Psalms. I suspect that Psalms is going to be pretty boring, and there are a lot of them, so hang in there. We'll power through, friends!
Friday, October 21, 2011
Day 41, Esther 8-10, Job 1-15
Today we wrap up Esther and begin the Book of Job, which is totally different from anything else we've read and it's WILD! Not wild like raunchy (sorry to get your hopes up) but it's cool. Get pumped.
So. Our story. After Haman's death, Mordecai is chosen by the king to replace him as chief officer. Esther convinces her husband to issue a writ that would legally protect the Jews from persecution and entitle them to act in "self-defense." By granting them permission to act in "self-defense" the text apparently means that they are allowed to mindlessly slaughter as many people as they want, because they wind up killing SEVENTY-FIVE THOUSAND PEOPLE! Among these people are Haman's ten sons, by the way. In the aftermath of this, "many of the peoples of the world [profess] Judaism, because fear of the Jews had fallen on them" (Esther 8:17). Oh man. Enjoy this while you can, Jews, because there aren't too many times in history after this where people are going to think you're scary.
After the massacre of thousands of people, the Jews gather together to celebrate their good fortune, creating the festival of PURIM. I FREAKING LOVE PURIM! IT'S LIKE JEWISH HALLOWEEN! Chapter 10 provides a simple conclusion, letting us know everyone is happy. Hooray!
Onto the Book of Job. What a crazy story. I would imagine that everyone is somewhat familiar with it (or at least everyone who has seen the South Park episode about it) but nonetheless it has proven one of the better reads of the bible so far, at least from a literary perspective. The majority of the text is a poem, bookended by a prologue and conclusion in prose, and it addresses the question of why a just and loving God allows people to suffer.
The prologue introduces our charming protagonist, a man named Job, who has a sweet freaking life. He has ten swell kids, a farm, seven thousand sheep... Everything a guy could want! He is also incredibly pious, never speaking against God and regularly sanctifying his children, in case they sinned.
One day God is chilling in the court of heaven with Satan, bragging about what a faithful servant Job is. Satan challenges this, saying that Job is only pious because he is so fortunate and happy; if God took away all those things, he would curse the deity and give up his faith. Instead of, you know, being the bigger person, God says, "YOU'RE ON, SATAN!" and decides to fuck Job in the ass with a mop handle and no lubricant.
Job is in his house when a messenger arrives to tell him that his sheep have been stolen. Soon after another messenger informs him that his fields have burned down. And after that, a third messenger tells him that his son's house has collapsed and all his children are dead. Well shit. That's a lot of bad news at once. Job takes it a lot better than I would have, saying, "Naked I came from the womb, naked I shall return whence I came. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord" (Job 1:21). WOW. What a dolt. I'd be pissed!
FYI, my favorite part of this entire book so far is completely indecipherable to non-Giants fans, but I have to point it out. Job's oxen are stolen by a group of nomads called the Sabeans, who "swoop down and carry them off" (Job 1:15). Who is Sabean, but our beloved General Manager back in San Francisco?!!!
He probably wanted the sheep to play for the Giants because of their veteran grit. These sheep will start games next season instead of Brandon Belt because they're "experienced." The sheep will have a seven year, 120 million dollar contract. Just watch.
After all this, it seems like God has won his bet, but Satan takes it a step further. Sure, he says, you ruined Job's livelihood and killed his family, but you left him in good health! Satan suggests that if Job was infected with horrible leprosy/boils/etc he would be less pious. God once again takes the bait, but Job does not. Even when his wife urges him to "curse God, and die" (Job 2:9) he remains devoted. At the end of chapter 2, his friends come to see him. At first they don't recognize him, but when they figure out who he is, they sit around him in silence for seven days. That's cool. You know, there's a house to be rebuilt and fields to be resown and stuff... But if you guys just want to chill, that's cool too.
At this point the poem starts! I would actually recommend checking this out for yourself, since my summary can only give you the gist of the plot and, unlike most of the bible so far, the language in Job is pretty. The poem is arranged in three "cycles" of speech, through which Job and his friends discuss why he has come to such unfortunate ends.
In his first speech, Job expresses his confusion at what is going on, begging to die rather than suffer for incomprehensible reasons. His friends are, in my view, annoyingly callous and unsympathetic. The first to respond, Eliphaz, chastises him for complaining: "Does your piety give you no assurance? Does your blameless life afford you no hope?" (Job 4:6). He goes on to ask, "Has any innocent person ever perished?" (Job 4:7). Oh god, Eliphaz... Maybe you should retake some of those history classes you slept through in high school before you say shit like that.
In chapter 6, Job retorts that he has done no wrong and thus does not deserve to suffer, lamenting the futility of life. It is actually kind of existential if you squint. His second friend, Bildad, responds more heatedly than Eliphaz, calling Job's speech the "long-winded ramblings of an old man" (Job 8:2). What an asshole! Bildad believes that God does not "pervert justice" (Job 8:3) and that if Job is patient he will be rewarded.
Job responds by saying that God "destroys blameless and wicked alike" (Job 9:22), suggesting that God is almost careless in his treatment of people. One line I particularly liked was this: "If I think 'I shall forget my complaints, I shall show a cheerful face and smile,' I still dread all I must suffer" (Job 9:27-28). Tell it like it is, Job! This reminds me of myself every Monday morning. A cheerful attitude can only do so much in this crazy world of ours.
His third friend, Zophar, tells him that he is being arrogant to assume he can "fathom the mystery of God" (Job 11:7). It's like that old saying: God works in mysterious ways, and that's why your life sucks. It's not because your existence is futile and inherently meaningless and that your presence on this earth and everything that happens to you is completely random. It's because God works in mysterious ways! I hope that helps you sleep at night.
In chapters 12 through 14 Job continues to whine about his circumstance, and man is he existential! It's like I'm reading L'etranger or something: "Every being born of woman is short-lived and full of trouble," Job says. "He blossoms like a flower and withers away" (Job 14:1-2). Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, huh?
Chapter 15 begins the second cycle of speeches, wherein Eliphaz accuses Job of being secretly sinful because he hates wisdom, priestly piety, and prophecy. It is unfathomable to Job's friends that he is simply being fucked in the ass by God for fun. They think it has to be some kind of punishment. The gist of his speech is that sometimes the wicked seem to prosper, but it is always short-lived. I wonder what Team Rocket would say to that.
Anyway, it is kind of an awkward place to end the reading. If I was in charge of these readings I would stop it at the end of chapter 14, the first cycle of speeches. BUT I'M NOT! TOO FREAKING BAD!
Tomorrow we read more of Job. It's a really long book! And remember guys: IL FAUT IMAGINER SISYPHE HEUREUX!!!!!!
So. Our story. After Haman's death, Mordecai is chosen by the king to replace him as chief officer. Esther convinces her husband to issue a writ that would legally protect the Jews from persecution and entitle them to act in "self-defense." By granting them permission to act in "self-defense" the text apparently means that they are allowed to mindlessly slaughter as many people as they want, because they wind up killing SEVENTY-FIVE THOUSAND PEOPLE! Among these people are Haman's ten sons, by the way. In the aftermath of this, "many of the peoples of the world [profess] Judaism, because fear of the Jews had fallen on them" (Esther 8:17). Oh man. Enjoy this while you can, Jews, because there aren't too many times in history after this where people are going to think you're scary.
After the massacre of thousands of people, the Jews gather together to celebrate their good fortune, creating the festival of PURIM. I FREAKING LOVE PURIM! IT'S LIKE JEWISH HALLOWEEN! Chapter 10 provides a simple conclusion, letting us know everyone is happy. Hooray!
Onto the Book of Job. What a crazy story. I would imagine that everyone is somewhat familiar with it (or at least everyone who has seen the South Park episode about it) but nonetheless it has proven one of the better reads of the bible so far, at least from a literary perspective. The majority of the text is a poem, bookended by a prologue and conclusion in prose, and it addresses the question of why a just and loving God allows people to suffer.
The prologue introduces our charming protagonist, a man named Job, who has a sweet freaking life. He has ten swell kids, a farm, seven thousand sheep... Everything a guy could want! He is also incredibly pious, never speaking against God and regularly sanctifying his children, in case they sinned.
One day God is chilling in the court of heaven with Satan, bragging about what a faithful servant Job is. Satan challenges this, saying that Job is only pious because he is so fortunate and happy; if God took away all those things, he would curse the deity and give up his faith. Instead of, you know, being the bigger person, God says, "YOU'RE ON, SATAN!" and decides to fuck Job in the ass with a mop handle and no lubricant.
Job is in his house when a messenger arrives to tell him that his sheep have been stolen. Soon after another messenger informs him that his fields have burned down. And after that, a third messenger tells him that his son's house has collapsed and all his children are dead. Well shit. That's a lot of bad news at once. Job takes it a lot better than I would have, saying, "Naked I came from the womb, naked I shall return whence I came. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord" (Job 1:21). WOW. What a dolt. I'd be pissed!
FYI, my favorite part of this entire book so far is completely indecipherable to non-Giants fans, but I have to point it out. Job's oxen are stolen by a group of nomads called the Sabeans, who "swoop down and carry them off" (Job 1:15). Who is Sabean, but our beloved General Manager back in San Francisco?!!!
He probably wanted the sheep to play for the Giants because of their veteran grit. These sheep will start games next season instead of Brandon Belt because they're "experienced." The sheep will have a seven year, 120 million dollar contract. Just watch.
After all this, it seems like God has won his bet, but Satan takes it a step further. Sure, he says, you ruined Job's livelihood and killed his family, but you left him in good health! Satan suggests that if Job was infected with horrible leprosy/boils/etc he would be less pious. God once again takes the bait, but Job does not. Even when his wife urges him to "curse God, and die" (Job 2:9) he remains devoted. At the end of chapter 2, his friends come to see him. At first they don't recognize him, but when they figure out who he is, they sit around him in silence for seven days. That's cool. You know, there's a house to be rebuilt and fields to be resown and stuff... But if you guys just want to chill, that's cool too.
At this point the poem starts! I would actually recommend checking this out for yourself, since my summary can only give you the gist of the plot and, unlike most of the bible so far, the language in Job is pretty. The poem is arranged in three "cycles" of speech, through which Job and his friends discuss why he has come to such unfortunate ends.
In his first speech, Job expresses his confusion at what is going on, begging to die rather than suffer for incomprehensible reasons. His friends are, in my view, annoyingly callous and unsympathetic. The first to respond, Eliphaz, chastises him for complaining: "Does your piety give you no assurance? Does your blameless life afford you no hope?" (Job 4:6). He goes on to ask, "Has any innocent person ever perished?" (Job 4:7). Oh god, Eliphaz... Maybe you should retake some of those history classes you slept through in high school before you say shit like that.
In chapter 6, Job retorts that he has done no wrong and thus does not deserve to suffer, lamenting the futility of life. It is actually kind of existential if you squint. His second friend, Bildad, responds more heatedly than Eliphaz, calling Job's speech the "long-winded ramblings of an old man" (Job 8:2). What an asshole! Bildad believes that God does not "pervert justice" (Job 8:3) and that if Job is patient he will be rewarded.
Job responds by saying that God "destroys blameless and wicked alike" (Job 9:22), suggesting that God is almost careless in his treatment of people. One line I particularly liked was this: "If I think 'I shall forget my complaints, I shall show a cheerful face and smile,' I still dread all I must suffer" (Job 9:27-28). Tell it like it is, Job! This reminds me of myself every Monday morning. A cheerful attitude can only do so much in this crazy world of ours.
His third friend, Zophar, tells him that he is being arrogant to assume he can "fathom the mystery of God" (Job 11:7). It's like that old saying: God works in mysterious ways, and that's why your life sucks. It's not because your existence is futile and inherently meaningless and that your presence on this earth and everything that happens to you is completely random. It's because God works in mysterious ways! I hope that helps you sleep at night.
In chapters 12 through 14 Job continues to whine about his circumstance, and man is he existential! It's like I'm reading L'etranger or something: "Every being born of woman is short-lived and full of trouble," Job says. "He blossoms like a flower and withers away" (Job 14:1-2). Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, huh?
Chapter 15 begins the second cycle of speeches, wherein Eliphaz accuses Job of being secretly sinful because he hates wisdom, priestly piety, and prophecy. It is unfathomable to Job's friends that he is simply being fucked in the ass by God for fun. They think it has to be some kind of punishment. The gist of his speech is that sometimes the wicked seem to prosper, but it is always short-lived. I wonder what Team Rocket would say to that.
Anyway, it is kind of an awkward place to end the reading. If I was in charge of these readings I would stop it at the end of chapter 14, the first cycle of speeches. BUT I'M NOT! TOO FREAKING BAD!
Tomorrow we read more of Job. It's a really long book! And remember guys: IL FAUT IMAGINER SISYPHE HEUREUX!!!!!!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Day 40, Nehemiah 9-13, Esther 1-7
Today's reading, which consists of Nehemiah and Esther, is a fun one. The Book of Esther is an especially awesome story, improved further by the fact that its text is read at PURIM, one of the best Jewish holidays. Let's get started!
We ended yesterday with the people going off to celebrate the Feast of Booths, or Sukkot. After the rockin' party they all put on sackcloth and fast, and join together to recite a lengthy prayer to atone for their sins. It should be noted that this is not Yom Kippur, but simply a random and unnamed day of repentance.
The prayer, which fills two whole pages of my giant study bible, gives us a not-so-succinct history of EVERYTHING we've read so far. Awesome. It's like the writers of the bible knew that no one was ever going to want to read the whole thing, so they stick in recaps everywhere they can.
In chapter 10, the returned exiles reseal their covenant with God, and in chapter 11 Judea is repopulated. The people are strategically placed throughout the region, with the leaders and one-tenth of the population being selected to live in Jerusalem, and the other people moving to neighboring towns.
In chapter 12, the newly constructed walls are dedicated. There sure is a lot of pomp and circumstance in the ancient Near East. At some point after the dedication, Nehemiah goes back to Persia and doesn't return until twelve years later. When he comes back he discovers that everyone has been screwing up in his absence: a foreigner is living inside the temple, people are working on the sabbath, and priests have married foreign wives. Jesus Christ you guys! It's been less than fifteen years since you made the covenant! This makes me feel less bad about never keeping my New Years resolutions.
Nehemiah is understandably displeased, and when he encounters the wrongdoers he "beat[s] some of them and [tears] out their hair" (Nehemiah 13:25). Isn't that illegal? Assault and battery or something? Then he purifies everything and all is well again. The tome ends with a request: "God, remember me favorably!" (Nehemiah 13:30).
Now it's time for the really fun stuff. The Book of Esther, which was presumably written during the Persian Period (538-333 BCE), tells the story of how a girl named Esther saves the Jewish people from a mass extermination planned by the king's chief minister, Haman. It is one of the most secular books of the bible -- for instance, God is not mentioned -- and as I've already mentioned, it sets up the context for Purim. Yesssssssss.
The story begins with the Persian king, Ahasuerus, throwing a party. His wife, Queen Vashti, has a parallel party for women -- since apparently parties can't be co-ed -- and after Ahasuerus gets sufficiently drunk he sends for the queen. One of the courtiers who delivers this message, by the way, is named Carcas! That's unfortunate.
Anyway, for some reason Vashti refuses to come, which enrages the king. In order to make a statement to the people about the subservience of women, he fires Vashti from her role as wife/queen for disobeying his command and sets off to find a new bride.
His attendants gather together all the hottest young virgins in the land, among whom is Esther, a Jewish orphan who lives with her uncle Mordecai. The king thinks she's hot stuff, gives her cosmetics and food (what every girl wants), and makes her his queen. Around this time, Mordecai overhears some conspirators planning to assassinate the king, and lets Esther know. She tells her new husband and the would-be killers are hung. Mordecai, however, is not rewarded.
In chapter 3, Haman is promoted and becomes the king's chief officer. Although this is not mentioned in the text, it should be noted that Haman supposedly wore a triangle hat!
The hat apparently looked like the above image, except without jam in the middle and not delicious.
Anyway, Haman demands that everyone bow to him when he passes, but Mordecai refuses to do so. In a rare instance of overreaction -- I mean, this kind of thing never happens in the bible -- Haman decides that he will punish Mordecai by killing ALL THE JEWS. The king, who does not actually know the race of his hot wife, is bribed into going along with this plan.
In chapter 4 Mordecai realizes the consequences of his actions, and tears up all his clothes. Esther sends him some more, but he is so distraught he won't even put them on. He tells Esther she must try to intervene and stop the plan: "If you remain silent at such a time as this," he says, "relief and deliverance for the Jews will appear from another quarter; but you and your father's family will perish" (Esther 4:14). Esther agrees with him and devises a ploy to save her people.
The plot is actually a little bizarre, since I don't see the point of all the steps. Esther requests that the king throw two banquets for herself and Haman. When Haman is leaving the first banquet he sees Mordecai and becomes so irate that he and his wife construct a gallows on the roof of his house, plotting to have Mordecai hung the next day.
After the banquet, the king has some difficulty falling asleep -- probably too much sangria at the party -- and has one of his attendants read to him from the "chronicle of memorable events" (Esther 6:1). In the chronicle he discovers the story of how Mordecai saved him from the assassination plot and was never rewarded. He resolves to somehow honor the man who saved him.
The next day, Haman enters the king's court to request that Mordecai be executed. Before he can put forth his proposal, however, Ahasuerus asks him, "What should be done for the man whom the king wishes to honor?" (Esther 6:6). Haman, who has an inflated ego, assumes that the king wants to honor him and immediately answers that, "For the man whom the king wishes to honor, let there be brought a royal robe which the king himself has worn, and a horse on which the king rides, with a royal diadem on its head. Let the robe and the horse be handed over to one of the king's noble officers, and let him invest the man whom the king wishes to honor and lead him mounted on the horse through the city square, proclaiming as he goes: 'This is what is done for the man whom the king wishes to honor'" (Esther 6:7-9). Oh boy.
Some historians claim that humor and irony are Hellenistic innovations that did not truly factor into Jewish texts until the Hasmonean Dynasty and beyond. The Book of Esther is a pretty strong argument to the contrary! The king follows Haman's instructions to honor Mordecai, and Haman himself is the "noble officer" who has to lead the horse. That's FUNNY!
At the second banquet, Esther reveals her race to her husband and begs him to save the Jews from death. Interestingly, she adds that, "If it had been a matter of selling us, men and women alike, into slavery, I should have kept silence" (Esther 7:4). What, slavery is okay? What a bitch! But anyway, Ahasuerus freaks out and asks who is conspiring to kill all the Jews, even though he's ALREADY HAD A CONVERSATION WITH HAMAN ABOUT IT. She tells him, and as punishment Haman is hung from the very gallows that he constructed on the roof of his house.
What a story! Tomorrow we tie up the loose ends in the Book of Esther and begin the Book of Job, which I suspect is going to be awesome. Until then, sayonara.
We ended yesterday with the people going off to celebrate the Feast of Booths, or Sukkot. After the rockin' party they all put on sackcloth and fast, and join together to recite a lengthy prayer to atone for their sins. It should be noted that this is not Yom Kippur, but simply a random and unnamed day of repentance.
The prayer, which fills two whole pages of my giant study bible, gives us a not-so-succinct history of EVERYTHING we've read so far. Awesome. It's like the writers of the bible knew that no one was ever going to want to read the whole thing, so they stick in recaps everywhere they can.
In chapter 10, the returned exiles reseal their covenant with God, and in chapter 11 Judea is repopulated. The people are strategically placed throughout the region, with the leaders and one-tenth of the population being selected to live in Jerusalem, and the other people moving to neighboring towns.
In chapter 12, the newly constructed walls are dedicated. There sure is a lot of pomp and circumstance in the ancient Near East. At some point after the dedication, Nehemiah goes back to Persia and doesn't return until twelve years later. When he comes back he discovers that everyone has been screwing up in his absence: a foreigner is living inside the temple, people are working on the sabbath, and priests have married foreign wives. Jesus Christ you guys! It's been less than fifteen years since you made the covenant! This makes me feel less bad about never keeping my New Years resolutions.
Nehemiah is understandably displeased, and when he encounters the wrongdoers he "beat[s] some of them and [tears] out their hair" (Nehemiah 13:25). Isn't that illegal? Assault and battery or something? Then he purifies everything and all is well again. The tome ends with a request: "God, remember me favorably!" (Nehemiah 13:30).
Now it's time for the really fun stuff. The Book of Esther, which was presumably written during the Persian Period (538-333 BCE), tells the story of how a girl named Esther saves the Jewish people from a mass extermination planned by the king's chief minister, Haman. It is one of the most secular books of the bible -- for instance, God is not mentioned -- and as I've already mentioned, it sets up the context for Purim. Yesssssssss.
The story begins with the Persian king, Ahasuerus, throwing a party. His wife, Queen Vashti, has a parallel party for women -- since apparently parties can't be co-ed -- and after Ahasuerus gets sufficiently drunk he sends for the queen. One of the courtiers who delivers this message, by the way, is named Carcas! That's unfortunate.
Anyway, for some reason Vashti refuses to come, which enrages the king. In order to make a statement to the people about the subservience of women, he fires Vashti from her role as wife/queen for disobeying his command and sets off to find a new bride.
His attendants gather together all the hottest young virgins in the land, among whom is Esther, a Jewish orphan who lives with her uncle Mordecai. The king thinks she's hot stuff, gives her cosmetics and food (what every girl wants), and makes her his queen. Around this time, Mordecai overhears some conspirators planning to assassinate the king, and lets Esther know. She tells her new husband and the would-be killers are hung. Mordecai, however, is not rewarded.
In chapter 3, Haman is promoted and becomes the king's chief officer. Although this is not mentioned in the text, it should be noted that Haman supposedly wore a triangle hat!
The hat apparently looked like the above image, except without jam in the middle and not delicious.
Anyway, Haman demands that everyone bow to him when he passes, but Mordecai refuses to do so. In a rare instance of overreaction -- I mean, this kind of thing never happens in the bible -- Haman decides that he will punish Mordecai by killing ALL THE JEWS. The king, who does not actually know the race of his hot wife, is bribed into going along with this plan.
In chapter 4 Mordecai realizes the consequences of his actions, and tears up all his clothes. Esther sends him some more, but he is so distraught he won't even put them on. He tells Esther she must try to intervene and stop the plan: "If you remain silent at such a time as this," he says, "relief and deliverance for the Jews will appear from another quarter; but you and your father's family will perish" (Esther 4:14). Esther agrees with him and devises a ploy to save her people.
The plot is actually a little bizarre, since I don't see the point of all the steps. Esther requests that the king throw two banquets for herself and Haman. When Haman is leaving the first banquet he sees Mordecai and becomes so irate that he and his wife construct a gallows on the roof of his house, plotting to have Mordecai hung the next day.
After the banquet, the king has some difficulty falling asleep -- probably too much sangria at the party -- and has one of his attendants read to him from the "chronicle of memorable events" (Esther 6:1). In the chronicle he discovers the story of how Mordecai saved him from the assassination plot and was never rewarded. He resolves to somehow honor the man who saved him.
The next day, Haman enters the king's court to request that Mordecai be executed. Before he can put forth his proposal, however, Ahasuerus asks him, "What should be done for the man whom the king wishes to honor?" (Esther 6:6). Haman, who has an inflated ego, assumes that the king wants to honor him and immediately answers that, "For the man whom the king wishes to honor, let there be brought a royal robe which the king himself has worn, and a horse on which the king rides, with a royal diadem on its head. Let the robe and the horse be handed over to one of the king's noble officers, and let him invest the man whom the king wishes to honor and lead him mounted on the horse through the city square, proclaiming as he goes: 'This is what is done for the man whom the king wishes to honor'" (Esther 6:7-9). Oh boy.
Some historians claim that humor and irony are Hellenistic innovations that did not truly factor into Jewish texts until the Hasmonean Dynasty and beyond. The Book of Esther is a pretty strong argument to the contrary! The king follows Haman's instructions to honor Mordecai, and Haman himself is the "noble officer" who has to lead the horse. That's FUNNY!
At the second banquet, Esther reveals her race to her husband and begs him to save the Jews from death. Interestingly, she adds that, "If it had been a matter of selling us, men and women alike, into slavery, I should have kept silence" (Esther 7:4). What, slavery is okay? What a bitch! But anyway, Ahasuerus freaks out and asks who is conspiring to kill all the Jews, even though he's ALREADY HAD A CONVERSATION WITH HAMAN ABOUT IT. She tells him, and as punishment Haman is hung from the very gallows that he constructed on the roof of his house.
What a story! Tomorrow we tie up the loose ends in the Book of Esther and begin the Book of Job, which I suspect is going to be awesome. Until then, sayonara.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Day 39, Ezra 7-10, Nehemiah 1-8
I know I said yesterday that I was looking forward to Ezra because I remembered him being cool, so I'm afraid I have to start this entry with some bad news: Ezra isn't cool. I just got him confused with Elijah and Elisha, who are awesome. All those 'E' names, you know. But that doesn't mean his book is bad! At least we're moving forward! I just watched the Friends episode where Ross has to talk to his girlfriend Mona about where their relationship is going, so I am aware that if you're not moving forward you're just standing still, and what good is standing still? No one is getting any younger! So in effect, if the bible were my boyfriend, it would be giving me the keys to its apartment right now. Moving forward. Yep.
In chapter 7, the Persian king Artaxerxes is moved by God to send Ezra on a voyage to Israel, where he is to serve as some sort of leader. How nice! Artaxerxes also gives him a bunch of gold and "salt without a set limit" (Ezra 7:22) which shows he's a truly decent fellow. As much salt as we want! Oh boy!
In chapter 8, we switch to a first-person narrative for the first time in the bible, which is kind of cool, I guess. It's different at least. Ezra gathers together a motley crew of fellow exiles to come along with him, and eventually arrives in Jerusalem where he presents his gifts to the priests.
Once he is settled in town, the priests inform Ezra that pretty much everyone has been very naughty and neglected to uphold the law against marrying foreign women. Ezra is immensely troubled by this and "pluck[s] tufts from [his] beard and the hair from [his] head and [sits] appalled...until the evening sacrifice" (Ezra 9:3-4). What a reaction! It seems to me that this Ezra is a bit of a drama queen, but maybe he was just really upset. The rest of chapter 9 comprises a desperate and deeply apologetic prayer he makes to God, begging the deity to forgive Israel.
Ezra's melancholy persists in chapter 10, where he locks himself up in a room and "[eats] no bread and [drinks] no water, for he [is] still mourning the unfaithfulness of the returned exiles" (Ezra 10:6). Give it a rest, Ez! After a substantial amount of moping, he gathers the people together in the pouring rain and instructs them that they all must divorce their foreign wives. However, divorce is a lengthy process in the ancient Near East, and some of the people question the logistics of it. Eventually a compromise is reached, and it is agreed that all the community leaders will divorce their foreign wives as a sort of symbol.
And that's Ezra's book! Gee whiz!
Nehemiah, as I mentioned before, is closely linked to Ezra and Chronicles and tells the story of a Jewish high official in the Persian court. Also, according to wikipedia, this book is the last historical narrative of the Hebrew bible. Oh my god. Does that mean we're just getting raunchy stories after this? Please tell me that's what it means.
Nehemiah is a pious chap, and when his brother tells him about an incident in Jerusalem at the start of chapter 1, he becomes distraught. He prays to God, and in chapter 2 requests that the Persian king permit him to return to his homeland: "How can I help looking unhappy," he says, "when the city where my forefathers are buried lies in ruins with its gates burnt down?" (Nehemiah 2:2). These Persians are apparently pretty nice people, since as with Ezra the king is very accommodating and sends Nehemiah on his way.
Once in Jerusalem, Nehemiah begins his efforts to rebuild the city wall, but encounters hostility from the non-Jews who live there. He tells off his critics by saying, "You have no stake, or claim, or traditional right in Jerusalem" (Nehemiah 2:20) which, as you can imagine, does little to endear him to his enemies.
In chapter 4 these enemies plot to attack, and Nehemiah is forced to reallocate his workers, assigning some people to serve as guards and some to build. It all sounds like a lot of work to me. I actually got kind of anxious reading it. Oh man.
Chapter 5 deviates a little from the storyline and presents a conflict between the rich and poor in the rebuilt city. When he is told that the Jewish aristocracy are oppressing the poor, Nehemiah cancels all debts. In other words, he is a SOCIALIST and probably an ARAB like Barack Obama. Nehemiah's middle name is Hussein. Just kidding. Nehemiah doesn't have a middle name, or a last name. He's like Lady Gaga in that way.
My notes on chapter 6 read "everyone fucks with Jews" which isn't very helpful. Everyone is always fucking with the Jews! What was I thinking writing that? Anyway, in this particular situation, a chap named Sanballat accuses Nehemiah of conspiring against the Persian king. Even some of his fellow Jews oppose him, but Nehemiah simply says "Haters gon' hate," and finishes rebuilding the wall. Good for him!
Chapter 7 is another delightful census. I'm actually pretty sure it's the same census from Ezra. Gotta love those! And fiiiiiiiiinally, in chapter 8, everyone has a big freaking party for the Feast of Booths. The festivities kick off with Ezra reading to everyone from the Torah, which FYI is always a great icebreaker at parties. They are so moved by the reading that they start crying, but he tells them to "feast yourselves on rich food and sweet drinks... [and] let there be no sadness" (Nehemiah 8:10). Oh boy! Sounds good to me! The people obey the instructions "because they had understood what had been explained to them" (Nehemiah 8:12). Well that's a good thing considering it was incredibly straightforward. I guess their oral comprehension is pretty decent!
That wraps things up for today. One fun thing I realized is that the Festival of Booths is actually Sukkot, one of the coolest Jew holidays, where you get to build tents out of palm leaves and stuff and live in them. Except in modern times you don't actually live in them because that would suck, you just play in them and eat a lot of food. Jewish holidays usually end in eating a lot of food. For all its flaws as a religion, at least we Jews have that!
Later gators.
In chapter 7, the Persian king Artaxerxes is moved by God to send Ezra on a voyage to Israel, where he is to serve as some sort of leader. How nice! Artaxerxes also gives him a bunch of gold and "salt without a set limit" (Ezra 7:22) which shows he's a truly decent fellow. As much salt as we want! Oh boy!
In chapter 8, we switch to a first-person narrative for the first time in the bible, which is kind of cool, I guess. It's different at least. Ezra gathers together a motley crew of fellow exiles to come along with him, and eventually arrives in Jerusalem where he presents his gifts to the priests.
Once he is settled in town, the priests inform Ezra that pretty much everyone has been very naughty and neglected to uphold the law against marrying foreign women. Ezra is immensely troubled by this and "pluck[s] tufts from [his] beard and the hair from [his] head and [sits] appalled...until the evening sacrifice" (Ezra 9:3-4). What a reaction! It seems to me that this Ezra is a bit of a drama queen, but maybe he was just really upset. The rest of chapter 9 comprises a desperate and deeply apologetic prayer he makes to God, begging the deity to forgive Israel.
Ezra's melancholy persists in chapter 10, where he locks himself up in a room and "[eats] no bread and [drinks] no water, for he [is] still mourning the unfaithfulness of the returned exiles" (Ezra 10:6). Give it a rest, Ez! After a substantial amount of moping, he gathers the people together in the pouring rain and instructs them that they all must divorce their foreign wives. However, divorce is a lengthy process in the ancient Near East, and some of the people question the logistics of it. Eventually a compromise is reached, and it is agreed that all the community leaders will divorce their foreign wives as a sort of symbol.
And that's Ezra's book! Gee whiz!
Nehemiah, as I mentioned before, is closely linked to Ezra and Chronicles and tells the story of a Jewish high official in the Persian court. Also, according to wikipedia, this book is the last historical narrative of the Hebrew bible. Oh my god. Does that mean we're just getting raunchy stories after this? Please tell me that's what it means.
Nehemiah is a pious chap, and when his brother tells him about an incident in Jerusalem at the start of chapter 1, he becomes distraught. He prays to God, and in chapter 2 requests that the Persian king permit him to return to his homeland: "How can I help looking unhappy," he says, "when the city where my forefathers are buried lies in ruins with its gates burnt down?" (Nehemiah 2:2). These Persians are apparently pretty nice people, since as with Ezra the king is very accommodating and sends Nehemiah on his way.
Once in Jerusalem, Nehemiah begins his efforts to rebuild the city wall, but encounters hostility from the non-Jews who live there. He tells off his critics by saying, "You have no stake, or claim, or traditional right in Jerusalem" (Nehemiah 2:20) which, as you can imagine, does little to endear him to his enemies.
In chapter 4 these enemies plot to attack, and Nehemiah is forced to reallocate his workers, assigning some people to serve as guards and some to build. It all sounds like a lot of work to me. I actually got kind of anxious reading it. Oh man.
Chapter 5 deviates a little from the storyline and presents a conflict between the rich and poor in the rebuilt city. When he is told that the Jewish aristocracy are oppressing the poor, Nehemiah cancels all debts. In other words, he is a SOCIALIST and probably an ARAB like Barack Obama. Nehemiah's middle name is Hussein. Just kidding. Nehemiah doesn't have a middle name, or a last name. He's like Lady Gaga in that way.
My notes on chapter 6 read "everyone fucks with Jews" which isn't very helpful. Everyone is always fucking with the Jews! What was I thinking writing that? Anyway, in this particular situation, a chap named Sanballat accuses Nehemiah of conspiring against the Persian king. Even some of his fellow Jews oppose him, but Nehemiah simply says "Haters gon' hate," and finishes rebuilding the wall. Good for him!
Chapter 7 is another delightful census. I'm actually pretty sure it's the same census from Ezra. Gotta love those! And fiiiiiiiiinally, in chapter 8, everyone has a big freaking party for the Feast of Booths. The festivities kick off with Ezra reading to everyone from the Torah, which FYI is always a great icebreaker at parties. They are so moved by the reading that they start crying, but he tells them to "feast yourselves on rich food and sweet drinks... [and] let there be no sadness" (Nehemiah 8:10). Oh boy! Sounds good to me! The people obey the instructions "because they had understood what had been explained to them" (Nehemiah 8:12). Well that's a good thing considering it was incredibly straightforward. I guess their oral comprehension is pretty decent!
That wraps things up for today. One fun thing I realized is that the Festival of Booths is actually Sukkot, one of the coolest Jew holidays, where you get to build tents out of palm leaves and stuff and live in them. Except in modern times you don't actually live in them because that would suck, you just play in them and eat a lot of food. Jewish holidays usually end in eating a lot of food. For all its flaws as a religion, at least we Jews have that!
Later gators.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Day 38, 2 Chronicles 33-36, Ezra 1-6
Before I begin the entry, let's collectively take a moment to appreciate the fact that CHRONICLES IS OVER! OUR STORY CAN ADVANCE!
Of course, we still have four chapters and some loose ends to tie up before we dive into the Babylonian exile. So let's waste no time!
Chapter 33 begins with the reign of Manassah, who -- if you remember from earlier -- is so atrociously bad as a king that he causes God to lose faith in Judah entirely. However, the Chronicler changes the story a little and has him repent at the end. After rebuilding the shrines and lighting his children on fire he gets taken captive in Assyria where he learns "that the Lord was God" (2 Chronicles 33:13). I guess one of the Assyrians lent him a thesaurus.
Manassah is followed by his son, Amon, who is actually even worse than him. He only reigns for two years, after which he is killed by his own courtiers! His eight-year-old son Josiah comes to power, and he is a pretty good king for an eight-year-old. Josiah destroys the rebuilt shrines and pleases God so much that he promises the monarch that Judah's destruction will not happen in his lifetime. Soon afterwards, Josiah meets a grisly end at the hands of the Pharaoh. Gee. That's great, God.
The final four kings are unremarkable fuck-ups, two of whom reign for less than a year. Their names are Jehoahaz, Jehoiakim, Jehoachin, and Zedekiah. I don't even know how to comment on that. Anyway, throughout the end of this tome the increasing foreign influence in Judah is clear, and at the very end the Babylonians triumph. They burn down the temple, kill a bunch of Jews, and send the survivors to be slaves in Babylon. It's not all bad, though! The second book of Chronicles actually ends on a bit of a cliff-hanger, with the Persian king, Cyrus, telling the Jews to return and rebuild their temple after many years of exile.
What will happen next?!! Stay tuned to find out.
The Book of Ezra is closely linked to both Chronicles and Nehemiah, and tells the story of the Judahites return to the promised land after their exile. Apparently this particular tome is infamous for its historical inconsistency, but it doesn't really matter because it's not like anyone takes the bible seriously these days! I mean, it's not like people still use these books to make moral decisions and write laws, or believe them word for word? Am I right? Of course I'm right. That'd be silly.
Also, Ezra himself doesn't make an appearance until chapter 7. Today's reading concerned the return to the promised land under the leadership of a fellow named Sheshbazzar.
In chapter 1, the haggard exiles make their way back to Judah. Chapter 2 is a census, meaning we get to read all their names and how many of them there are, which never ceases to be a delight. According to this source, forty-two thousand Jews return. That is a pretty diminished population, compared to earlier censuses! Wow.
In chapter 3 the Jews begin to rebuild their temple on the old site, but in chapter 4 they encounter some hostility from the locals, who apparently want to help. This is totally not okay and the Jews say so, but the new inhabitants are so pissed that they bribe the court officials to "thwart the purpose of the Jews" (Ezra 4:5). So the temple-building is halted for a considerable period of time.
After a few Persian kings come and go, a local official goes to ask the Jews on what basis they think they are supposed to be rebuilding the temple. They tell the official about the decree from King Cyrus and he writes a letter to the current king, Darius. Incidentally, isn't Darius the name of the kid with headgear in As Told by Ginger? What a name!
Darius goes to the archive and, upon finding the decree, grants the Jews complete freedom to continue rebuilding. In fact, he says that anyone who "tampers with this edict will have a beam torn out of his house, and he will be fastened erect to it and flogged" (Ezra 6:11). Talk about supportive! What an accommodating guy!
That's it for today. Tomorrow, Ezra will actually make an appearance, which I'm excited for because I remember learning about him in Hebrew School and liking him. Or maybe I didn't learn about him, and just like the name Ezra. I really don't know. You don't know. But we both will tomorrow!
Of course, we still have four chapters and some loose ends to tie up before we dive into the Babylonian exile. So let's waste no time!
Chapter 33 begins with the reign of Manassah, who -- if you remember from earlier -- is so atrociously bad as a king that he causes God to lose faith in Judah entirely. However, the Chronicler changes the story a little and has him repent at the end. After rebuilding the shrines and lighting his children on fire he gets taken captive in Assyria where he learns "that the Lord was God" (2 Chronicles 33:13). I guess one of the Assyrians lent him a thesaurus.
Manassah is followed by his son, Amon, who is actually even worse than him. He only reigns for two years, after which he is killed by his own courtiers! His eight-year-old son Josiah comes to power, and he is a pretty good king for an eight-year-old. Josiah destroys the rebuilt shrines and pleases God so much that he promises the monarch that Judah's destruction will not happen in his lifetime. Soon afterwards, Josiah meets a grisly end at the hands of the Pharaoh. Gee. That's great, God.
The final four kings are unremarkable fuck-ups, two of whom reign for less than a year. Their names are Jehoahaz, Jehoiakim, Jehoachin, and Zedekiah. I don't even know how to comment on that. Anyway, throughout the end of this tome the increasing foreign influence in Judah is clear, and at the very end the Babylonians triumph. They burn down the temple, kill a bunch of Jews, and send the survivors to be slaves in Babylon. It's not all bad, though! The second book of Chronicles actually ends on a bit of a cliff-hanger, with the Persian king, Cyrus, telling the Jews to return and rebuild their temple after many years of exile.
What will happen next?!! Stay tuned to find out.
The Book of Ezra is closely linked to both Chronicles and Nehemiah, and tells the story of the Judahites return to the promised land after their exile. Apparently this particular tome is infamous for its historical inconsistency, but it doesn't really matter because it's not like anyone takes the bible seriously these days! I mean, it's not like people still use these books to make moral decisions and write laws, or believe them word for word? Am I right? Of course I'm right. That'd be silly.
Also, Ezra himself doesn't make an appearance until chapter 7. Today's reading concerned the return to the promised land under the leadership of a fellow named Sheshbazzar.
In chapter 1, the haggard exiles make their way back to Judah. Chapter 2 is a census, meaning we get to read all their names and how many of them there are, which never ceases to be a delight. According to this source, forty-two thousand Jews return. That is a pretty diminished population, compared to earlier censuses! Wow.
In chapter 3 the Jews begin to rebuild their temple on the old site, but in chapter 4 they encounter some hostility from the locals, who apparently want to help. This is totally not okay and the Jews say so, but the new inhabitants are so pissed that they bribe the court officials to "thwart the purpose of the Jews" (Ezra 4:5). So the temple-building is halted for a considerable period of time.
After a few Persian kings come and go, a local official goes to ask the Jews on what basis they think they are supposed to be rebuilding the temple. They tell the official about the decree from King Cyrus and he writes a letter to the current king, Darius. Incidentally, isn't Darius the name of the kid with headgear in As Told by Ginger? What a name!
Darius goes to the archive and, upon finding the decree, grants the Jews complete freedom to continue rebuilding. In fact, he says that anyone who "tampers with this edict will have a beam torn out of his house, and he will be fastened erect to it and flogged" (Ezra 6:11). Talk about supportive! What an accommodating guy!
That's it for today. Tomorrow, Ezra will actually make an appearance, which I'm excited for because I remember learning about him in Hebrew School and liking him. Or maybe I didn't learn about him, and just like the name Ezra. I really don't know. You don't know. But we both will tomorrow!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Day 37, 2 Chronicles 21-32
The saga continues! As much as I've been hating on Chronicles, I have to admit that today's reading wasn't so bad. It dealt with a handful of the more obscure kings, who were nearly impossible to keep track of in Kings because they were interspersed with Israelite kings. Here, we can get a better sense of who each of them were.
Yesterday's reading took us to the end of Jehoshaphat's reign, and today we begin with his son, Joram. Joram is a total asshole who kills all his brothers, "as well as some of the leading figures in Israel" (2 Chronicles 21:4). What a turd! He also marries Ahab's daughter and generally participates in evildoing, so God punishes him by allowing Edom to gain independence, and more significantly by inflicting him with "a chronic disease of the bowels, so that they prolapse and become severely ulcerated" (2 Chronicles 21:15). Oh geez! The bowel disease eventually kills Joram, and he is succeeded by his son, Ahaziah.
Ahaziah is a total mama's boy, and both he and his mother Athaliah are un-pious losers. Ahaziah gets killed in Israel early in his reign, and Athaliah responds to this event by trying to kill all the royal family -- namely, her grandsons -- so that she can rule herself. She assumes the crown for six years, but unbeknownst to her, one of the heirs to the throne was hidden away and survived; when he is seven years old, he becomes king of Israel, and Athaliah is killed.
This boy-king is named Joash and he is actually remarkably competent compared to his predecessors. He is known for renovating the temple, although his reign was marred towards the end when he was somehow led astray and wound up killing his own son. As punishment for this crime, God allows the Aramaeans to invade and plunder Judah. Joash, meanwhile, is killed by his own servants, and his son Amaziah becomes king.
Amaziah is a mostly good fellow, obedient and God-fearing, but like his father before him he slips up near the end of his reign. After his piousness earns him the defeat of Edom, he brings back their idols and begins to worship them. He also gets cocky and tries to invade Israel, but they tell him to cut it out because he just has a big ego and isn't actually capable of winning. Like his father, he is also killed by conspirators.
Amaziah's son Uzziah also follows the "good guy who fucks up a little" trope. While mostly a decent king, he makes one dumb mistake of trying to burn incense in the temple. This is the job of the priests, not the king, and as punishment, God makes him a leper.
The most lauded king of today's reading, Jotham, only gets a very short chapter. I guess the Chronicler shares my opinion that the fuck-up kings are way more fun to read about! He is succeeded by the reading's most sinister king, a fellow named Ahaz. Ahaz does lots of dumb things, like setting his children on fire, and as punishment is soundly defeated by both Aram and Israel. God does intervene to prevent the Judahites from becoming slaves, however.
The last three chapters center around Hezekiah, an excellent king who restores temple service after his predecessor's disastrous reign, and is generally very supportive of the Levites. Good for him!
I hope you learned something new from this summary, and weren't entirely bored. Tomorrow we finally -- FINALLY!!!! -- finish Chronicles. I am so ready for this Babylonian exile, you don't even know!
Yesterday's reading took us to the end of Jehoshaphat's reign, and today we begin with his son, Joram. Joram is a total asshole who kills all his brothers, "as well as some of the leading figures in Israel" (2 Chronicles 21:4). What a turd! He also marries Ahab's daughter and generally participates in evildoing, so God punishes him by allowing Edom to gain independence, and more significantly by inflicting him with "a chronic disease of the bowels, so that they prolapse and become severely ulcerated" (2 Chronicles 21:15). Oh geez! The bowel disease eventually kills Joram, and he is succeeded by his son, Ahaziah.
Ahaziah is a total mama's boy, and both he and his mother Athaliah are un-pious losers. Ahaziah gets killed in Israel early in his reign, and Athaliah responds to this event by trying to kill all the royal family -- namely, her grandsons -- so that she can rule herself. She assumes the crown for six years, but unbeknownst to her, one of the heirs to the throne was hidden away and survived; when he is seven years old, he becomes king of Israel, and Athaliah is killed.
This boy-king is named Joash and he is actually remarkably competent compared to his predecessors. He is known for renovating the temple, although his reign was marred towards the end when he was somehow led astray and wound up killing his own son. As punishment for this crime, God allows the Aramaeans to invade and plunder Judah. Joash, meanwhile, is killed by his own servants, and his son Amaziah becomes king.
Amaziah is a mostly good fellow, obedient and God-fearing, but like his father before him he slips up near the end of his reign. After his piousness earns him the defeat of Edom, he brings back their idols and begins to worship them. He also gets cocky and tries to invade Israel, but they tell him to cut it out because he just has a big ego and isn't actually capable of winning. Like his father, he is also killed by conspirators.
Amaziah's son Uzziah also follows the "good guy who fucks up a little" trope. While mostly a decent king, he makes one dumb mistake of trying to burn incense in the temple. This is the job of the priests, not the king, and as punishment, God makes him a leper.
The most lauded king of today's reading, Jotham, only gets a very short chapter. I guess the Chronicler shares my opinion that the fuck-up kings are way more fun to read about! He is succeeded by the reading's most sinister king, a fellow named Ahaz. Ahaz does lots of dumb things, like setting his children on fire, and as punishment is soundly defeated by both Aram and Israel. God does intervene to prevent the Judahites from becoming slaves, however.
The last three chapters center around Hezekiah, an excellent king who restores temple service after his predecessor's disastrous reign, and is generally very supportive of the Levites. Good for him!
I hope you learned something new from this summary, and weren't entirely bored. Tomorrow we finally -- FINALLY!!!! -- finish Chronicles. I am so ready for this Babylonian exile, you don't even know!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Day 36, 2 Chronicles 7-20
Man, is Chronicles ever boring. I wasn't hugely interested in the succession of kings the first time around, so reading through it again is just brutal.
Today's reading took us from Solomon to Jehoshaphat. The events of Solomon's reign were mostly unchanged, with a few details omitted here and there. Most interestingly, the Chronicler omits the chapter of negative things that Solomon did; he is presented as a pretty flawless king, akin to his father David.
Chronicles ignores the northern kingdom (Israel), focusing only on Judah. Perhaps because the kings of Judah were collectively more adept, and perhaps because it is simply his intention, the Chronicler's depiction of the successive monarchs seems more sympathetic. Rehoboam, who was no great shakes back in Kings, does not seem nearly as incompetent here. His mistakes are still acknowledged -- for instance, Judah is invaded by the Pharaoh, King Shishak, and the Chronicler considers this to be divine punishment -- but Judah is still said to "enjoy prosperity" (2 Chronicles 12:12) under Rehoboam.
Meanwhile, Jeroboam's ascension in Israel is barely touched on. The rival northern kingdom simply appears in the text without much explanation, with a line mentioning that Jeroboam "rose in rebellion against his lord, and certain worthless scoundrels gathered round him" (2 Chronicles 13:7). Of course, by "certain worthless scoundrels" the Chronicler means "10/11ths of the Palestinian population."
Chapter 13 concerns Abijah, who does a decent job as a ruler, and chapters 14 through 16 follow with a more detailed account of his son Asa. For the most part, Asa is a good king, although he makes the dumb mistake of aligning himself with the king of Aram to fight the northern kingdom, which is a no-no because he "relied on the king of Aram and not on the Lord" (2 Chronicles 16:7). He also becomes crippled as an old man because he goes to physicians about his foot disease instead of praying to be healed.
The last four chapters of today's reading deal with Jehoshephat. As you may remember, Jehoshephat aligned himself with Ahab in order to fight the Aramaeans, and during this war, the Israelite king was killed. What a bummer. There are a few other battles mentioned in the tome, and Jehoshephat triumphs because he loves God and so on and so forth.
Sorry for being so flippant in my summary, but I AM SO SICK OF THESE STUPID KINGS. THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. READ IT YOURSELF IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW.
Have a great day!!
Today's reading took us from Solomon to Jehoshaphat. The events of Solomon's reign were mostly unchanged, with a few details omitted here and there. Most interestingly, the Chronicler omits the chapter of negative things that Solomon did; he is presented as a pretty flawless king, akin to his father David.
Chronicles ignores the northern kingdom (Israel), focusing only on Judah. Perhaps because the kings of Judah were collectively more adept, and perhaps because it is simply his intention, the Chronicler's depiction of the successive monarchs seems more sympathetic. Rehoboam, who was no great shakes back in Kings, does not seem nearly as incompetent here. His mistakes are still acknowledged -- for instance, Judah is invaded by the Pharaoh, King Shishak, and the Chronicler considers this to be divine punishment -- but Judah is still said to "enjoy prosperity" (2 Chronicles 12:12) under Rehoboam.
Meanwhile, Jeroboam's ascension in Israel is barely touched on. The rival northern kingdom simply appears in the text without much explanation, with a line mentioning that Jeroboam "rose in rebellion against his lord, and certain worthless scoundrels gathered round him" (2 Chronicles 13:7). Of course, by "certain worthless scoundrels" the Chronicler means "10/11ths of the Palestinian population."
Chapter 13 concerns Abijah, who does a decent job as a ruler, and chapters 14 through 16 follow with a more detailed account of his son Asa. For the most part, Asa is a good king, although he makes the dumb mistake of aligning himself with the king of Aram to fight the northern kingdom, which is a no-no because he "relied on the king of Aram and not on the Lord" (2 Chronicles 16:7). He also becomes crippled as an old man because he goes to physicians about his foot disease instead of praying to be healed.
The last four chapters of today's reading deal with Jehoshephat. As you may remember, Jehoshephat aligned himself with Ahab in order to fight the Aramaeans, and during this war, the Israelite king was killed. What a bummer. There are a few other battles mentioned in the tome, and Jehoshephat triumphs because he loves God and so on and so forth.
Sorry for being so flippant in my summary, but I AM SO SICK OF THESE STUPID KINGS. THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. READ IT YOURSELF IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW.
Have a great day!!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Day 35, 1 Chronicles 24-29, 2 Chronicles 1-6
We return to Kings/Samuel: The Abridged Version. Since we've already read ALL OF THIS I'm afraid there isn't much of interest to report. Chapters 24, 25, and 26 outline the divisions of the priests, musicians, and "doorkeepers" respectively. The doorkeepers are apparently temple guards of some kind, and are grouped with clerks and magistrates. Mostly these chapters consist of long lists of names which are, as you can imagine, completely riveting.
Chapter 27 lists the notable army officials, commenting that no census exists of the Israelites under the age of twenty. Apparently, Joab tried to make one but it "brought down wrath on Israel" (1 Chronicles 27:24) and he had to stop. What a bummer! I love reading numbers and names!
1 Chronicles wraps up David's reign, and 2 Chronicles kicks off with Solomon; the whole crazy and fantastic story of Absalom vying for the crown is omitted, which is too bad. These early chapters concern Solomon's efforts to build the temple, along with a shortened description of how many cubits everything is. Solomon erects some pillars and names them Jachin and Boaz, which is pretty weird since they are inanimate objects. I wonder if the pillars talk to him when no one else is around, like in Calvin and Hobbes.
Is that funny or am I making too much of a stretch? Cut me some slack here! I have nothing to work with!
Chapters 5 and 6 concern the dedication of the temple, which is exactly like the first account of the dedication of the temple, except I think at some point the word "Levite" replaces the less specific term "priest." Good thing there is a whole 'nother book for this.
Chapter 27 lists the notable army officials, commenting that no census exists of the Israelites under the age of twenty. Apparently, Joab tried to make one but it "brought down wrath on Israel" (1 Chronicles 27:24) and he had to stop. What a bummer! I love reading numbers and names!
1 Chronicles wraps up David's reign, and 2 Chronicles kicks off with Solomon; the whole crazy and fantastic story of Absalom vying for the crown is omitted, which is too bad. These early chapters concern Solomon's efforts to build the temple, along with a shortened description of how many cubits everything is. Solomon erects some pillars and names them Jachin and Boaz, which is pretty weird since they are inanimate objects. I wonder if the pillars talk to him when no one else is around, like in Calvin and Hobbes.
Is that funny or am I making too much of a stretch? Cut me some slack here! I have nothing to work with!
Chapters 5 and 6 concern the dedication of the temple, which is exactly like the first account of the dedication of the temple, except I think at some point the word "Levite" replaces the less specific term "priest." Good thing there is a whole 'nother book for this.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Day 34, 1 Chronicles 11-23
I was under the impression that Chronicles was going to revisit but expand upon everything we've read thus far. Actually, the Chronicler mostly just revisits. Today's reading recaps David's reign, some of the sections echoing the second book of Samuel word for word! That's no fun!
After reading a few chapters and being disappointed I took it upon myself to figure out EXACTLY how Chronicles differs from the books of Samuel and Kings. Here is a handy list of what is included:
1. David's preparation for building the temple
2. David numbers and distributes the Levites
3. David arranges the singers, players and temple ritual
4. David prepares for temple officers
5. The war between Abijah and Jeroboam
6. The reform of Manasseh,
7. The Passover of Josiah
8. Extra genealogical materials
2. David numbers and distributes the Levites
3. David arranges the singers, players and temple ritual
4. David prepares for temple officers
5. The war between Abijah and Jeroboam
6. The reform of Manasseh,
7. The Passover of Josiah
8. Extra genealogical materials
That's IT! It's like reading a book, and then reading the cliffnotes for a book, but instead of the cliffnotes being different and helpful they're just THE EXACT SAME FREAKIN' THING.
I don't believe there are two full books of this!
Anyway, with such scant material I'm at a loss to do much, but I will share four things that I found interesting in this recycled text. The first comes in chapter 11, when we find out how Joab gets his job as David's army commander. It is entirely conceivable -- in fact, even likely -- that this story was already told in 2 Samuel and I just missed it, but oh well. Basically, when David and the Israelites go to seize Jerusalem from the Jebusites, David promises a position of leadership to the first man to kill someone. The ever blood-thirsty Joab is his guy!
On the topic of violence, Chronicles omits David's slaying of Goliath. However, the author also removed the contradictory passage from 2 Samuel that credited Elhanan with the death; here, Elhanan kills Goliath's brother.
Chapter 21 recaps the forbidden census that David took, except this time he is incited to do it by SATAN! Wow! I think this is Satan's first appearance in the bible. Hope we'll see more of him.
As the list notes, the Chronicler pays a whole lot more attention to the Levites -- not that it's particularly interesting -- and also goes into greater detail about David's plans for the temple. Apparently the reason that Solomon was selected to build it instead of David was that David was a battle-scarred soldier, whereas Solomon's reign would represent peacetime. In chapter 22 David explains this all to the young prince, which is kind of cute.
Tomorrow's reading will wrap up David's reign, meaning that soon we get to hear about all the other kings. Oh god. I just finished reading about them and now I have to read everything again. Wish me luck!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Day 33, 1 Chronicles 1-10
My dad flew in from California last night, and the Bible was very accommodating about not interrupting our plans with a lengthy and detailed reading. The first nine chapters of Chronicles are just GENEALOGY with no narrative! We start with Adam and work our way up through all the wacky kings, excluding no one as far as I can tell.
Chronicles seems to be a companion piece to Kings, simply recapping some of the stories and including more details in other places. Our one narrative chapter sparsely retells the story of Saul's suicide. According to the footnotes, the first book of Chronicles is mostly about David, so our favorite badass will be returning tomorrow. For the time being, however... Take a day off!
Chronicles seems to be a companion piece to Kings, simply recapping some of the stories and including more details in other places. Our one narrative chapter sparsely retells the story of Saul's suicide. According to the footnotes, the first book of Chronicles is mostly about David, so our favorite badass will be returning tomorrow. For the time being, however... Take a day off!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Day 32, 2 Kings 16-25
Good morning, friends. Today we finish up Kings, and boy, what a depressing tome this turns out to be. It's funny, because even though I was familiar with a lot of the stories contained in these volumes, the impact is so much more profound when you actually read them in order. You really get to see what a bunch of fuck-ups these kings of Israel and Judah were. Take my word for it: context is everything!
Today's reading kicks off with a new Judahite king named Ahaz. He is pretty corrupt, and does naughty things like human sacrifices, but this is old hat by now and what is really of interest is the scandal ensuing up north in Israel! Under the reign of a fellow named Hoshea, Samaria is captured by the Assyrians and the people are deported. God offers them protection if they make another covenant with him, but the people are idiots as usual and insist on "following their worthless idols [so that] they be[come] worthless themselves" (2 Kings 17:15). Harsh!
Now, these shenanigans have been going on for awhile, but apparently this time is the straw that breaks the camel's back. God banishes the ten Israelite tribes, sending them "to exile in Assyria...[where] they are to this day" (2 Kings 17:23). Oh man. I have to say, even I didn't quite see that one coming.
Meanwhile, a whole bunch of Assyrian folks move into Israel -- or Samaria -- and bring all their bizarre cultural practices with them. Oh geez.
Back in Judah, Ahaz's son Hezekiah becomes king and does a pretty decent job, actually destroying the shrines. FINALLY! When I first read this I got really excited, but I urge you not to get too enthusiastic because... spoiler alert... they come back. But let's not get ahead of ourselves! We're still on chapter 18 right now, which concerns Hezekiah's reign and includes an interesting conflict with Assyria. The king, who has already established a presence in Samaria, manages to capture all the fortified towns in Judah, and attempts to invade Jerusalem. A charming diplomatic dialogue takes place between the comptroller of the royal household and some Assyrian officers, who accuse the Israelites of "eat[ing] their own dung and drink[ing] their own urine" (2 Kings 18:31). Is this a South Park episode or the bible? Or... BOTH?! Is the bible actually the first South Park episode of all time? Something to ponder.
Anyway, to make a long story short, Judah triumphs over the Assyrians even though their victory was incredibly unlikely. God helps a little bit. You know the drill.
In chapter 20, Hezekiah gets sick and is visited by a prophet named Isaiah, who at first tells him that he is going to die. He prays to God and is so gosh darn convincing that the deity changes his mind and Isaiah informs Hezekiah that he will live for fifteen more years, but also prophesies that one day in the future, the people of Judah "will be taken...to serve as eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon" (2 Kings 29:18). Like a self-absorbed asshole, Hezekiah comments that this is GOOD just because he knows it won't happen in his lifetime.
In chapter 21, Hezekiah's twelve year old son Manasseh assumes the throne and does a pretty terrible job at running things: he makes human sacrifices, worships Baal, consorts with ghosts, and REBUILDS THE GODDAMN SHRINES. Like he did with Israel a few chapters earlier, these displays of wickedness cause God to pull the trigger on Judah and announce the nation's impending doom. Manasseh is succeeded by his son Amon, who is assassinated two years into his reign and replaced by his son, Josiah.
Being a decent person must skip two generations, because Josiah is actually a good king. He gets rid of the shrines and abolishes all the sick practices that had become the norm, but this is an unfortunate case of the old adage, "Too little, too late." God does not forgive Judah for the transgressions of Josiah's forefathers, but he agrees to wait until after the monarch's death to wreak divine havoc.
Chapter 23 details the rest of Josiah's reign, including his continued efforts to clean up Judah. His life comes to a grisly end -- he is murdered by the Egyptian Pharaoh, Necho -- and his son Jehoahaz succeeds him.
After Josiah's death a few more kings rule the land, but none of them are particularly competent and at this point things are in an inescapable downward spiral. Jerusalem is taken under Babylonian siege and the current king, Zedekiah, is imprisoned. His "sons [are] slain before his eyes... [and] his eyes [are] put out" (2 Kings 25:7). The houses of aristocratic families are burned down. The high priests are flogged to death. The people are exiled once again.
What a bummer way for things to turn out! After the monarchy began so promisingly with David, his offspring were almost shockingly disappointing. Next on our reading agenda is Chronicles, which I'm pretty sure is a more detailed recap of kingly activity during this period. It will occupy us for about a week, and then we will move onto Ezra and find out what is going to happen to these poor losers!
Today's reading kicks off with a new Judahite king named Ahaz. He is pretty corrupt, and does naughty things like human sacrifices, but this is old hat by now and what is really of interest is the scandal ensuing up north in Israel! Under the reign of a fellow named Hoshea, Samaria is captured by the Assyrians and the people are deported. God offers them protection if they make another covenant with him, but the people are idiots as usual and insist on "following their worthless idols [so that] they be[come] worthless themselves" (2 Kings 17:15). Harsh!
Now, these shenanigans have been going on for awhile, but apparently this time is the straw that breaks the camel's back. God banishes the ten Israelite tribes, sending them "to exile in Assyria...[where] they are to this day" (2 Kings 17:23). Oh man. I have to say, even I didn't quite see that one coming.
Meanwhile, a whole bunch of Assyrian folks move into Israel -- or Samaria -- and bring all their bizarre cultural practices with them. Oh geez.
Back in Judah, Ahaz's son Hezekiah becomes king and does a pretty decent job, actually destroying the shrines. FINALLY! When I first read this I got really excited, but I urge you not to get too enthusiastic because... spoiler alert... they come back. But let's not get ahead of ourselves! We're still on chapter 18 right now, which concerns Hezekiah's reign and includes an interesting conflict with Assyria. The king, who has already established a presence in Samaria, manages to capture all the fortified towns in Judah, and attempts to invade Jerusalem. A charming diplomatic dialogue takes place between the comptroller of the royal household and some Assyrian officers, who accuse the Israelites of "eat[ing] their own dung and drink[ing] their own urine" (2 Kings 18:31). Is this a South Park episode or the bible? Or... BOTH?! Is the bible actually the first South Park episode of all time? Something to ponder.
Anyway, to make a long story short, Judah triumphs over the Assyrians even though their victory was incredibly unlikely. God helps a little bit. You know the drill.
In chapter 20, Hezekiah gets sick and is visited by a prophet named Isaiah, who at first tells him that he is going to die. He prays to God and is so gosh darn convincing that the deity changes his mind and Isaiah informs Hezekiah that he will live for fifteen more years, but also prophesies that one day in the future, the people of Judah "will be taken...to serve as eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon" (2 Kings 29:18). Like a self-absorbed asshole, Hezekiah comments that this is GOOD just because he knows it won't happen in his lifetime.
In chapter 21, Hezekiah's twelve year old son Manasseh assumes the throne and does a pretty terrible job at running things: he makes human sacrifices, worships Baal, consorts with ghosts, and REBUILDS THE GODDAMN SHRINES. Like he did with Israel a few chapters earlier, these displays of wickedness cause God to pull the trigger on Judah and announce the nation's impending doom. Manasseh is succeeded by his son Amon, who is assassinated two years into his reign and replaced by his son, Josiah.
Being a decent person must skip two generations, because Josiah is actually a good king. He gets rid of the shrines and abolishes all the sick practices that had become the norm, but this is an unfortunate case of the old adage, "Too little, too late." God does not forgive Judah for the transgressions of Josiah's forefathers, but he agrees to wait until after the monarch's death to wreak divine havoc.
Chapter 23 details the rest of Josiah's reign, including his continued efforts to clean up Judah. His life comes to a grisly end -- he is murdered by the Egyptian Pharaoh, Necho -- and his son Jehoahaz succeeds him.
After Josiah's death a few more kings rule the land, but none of them are particularly competent and at this point things are in an inescapable downward spiral. Jerusalem is taken under Babylonian siege and the current king, Zedekiah, is imprisoned. His "sons [are] slain before his eyes... [and] his eyes [are] put out" (2 Kings 25:7). The houses of aristocratic families are burned down. The high priests are flogged to death. The people are exiled once again.
What a bummer way for things to turn out! After the monarchy began so promisingly with David, his offspring were almost shockingly disappointing. Next on our reading agenda is Chronicles, which I'm pretty sure is a more detailed recap of kingly activity during this period. It will occupy us for about a week, and then we will move onto Ezra and find out what is going to happen to these poor losers!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Day 31, 2 Kings 6-15
I hate to disappoint, but today's reading was mostly garbage: wars, the succession of kings, and not a lot of interesting new material. Although I read ten chapters, I feel like I read the same one over and over again because EVERYONE HAS THE SAME GODDAMN NAME and ALL THE WARS ARE THE SAME.
I was going to do a typical entry and give you guys a summary of everything that went down, while pointing out all instances of cannibalism and incest and so on, but given how convoluted these chapters are, I just don't think it would be particularly fun. In the entry for Day 28 I provided a family tree for the two kingdoms, which I urge you to reference again. Today's reading took us to the reign of Pekah in Israel and Ahaz in Judah.
Basically, these chapters summarized in a few paragraphs the activities of each king, almost all of whom "did wrong in the eyes of the Lord." Military conflicts and internal conspiracies arise continuously, and the tribes have mixed success against their enemies. Of particular note, the increasing dominance of Syria (or Aram) in the region is established. Also, although a handful of Judah's kings actually aren't total fuck-ups in God's eyes, none of them so far have managed to get rid of the shrines.
Rather than actually attempt to summarize all the murders and usurping and begetting that goes on, I think I'll just go through each chapter and share the parts I liked. I hope you don't think I'm being lazy! It's really just kind of dull and I think you can get the general picture from what I've already said.
Chapter 6 concerns a war with Syria, interesting only because a woman tells this story to the king of Israel: "A woman said to me, 'Give up your child for us to eat today, and we will eat mine tomorrow.' So we cooked my son and ate him; but when I said to her the next day, 'Now give up your child for us to eat,' she had hidden him" (2 Kings 6:28-29). Oh man. That's wild!
In chapter 7, four lepers explore the Syrian camp and discover that the armies have fled because God played some sort of crazy trick and scared them away. The lepers convey this news to the people, and the king sends his troops to scope things out. Incidentally Israel is in the midst of a famine, and the day before Elisha had made a creepy prophecy to the king that grain would cost only a shekel at the gate of Samaria, and he would "see it with [his] own eyes, but... not eat any of it" (2 Kings 7:2). This prophecy comes true, as the king is trampled to death by his own subjects as they run to buy food!
Chapter 8 and 9 are rather unremarkable, containing assorted confusing genealogies, conspiracies, and random deaths. Jezebel is killed in chapter 9, and as predicted, her body is eaten by dogs. This all goes down during the reign of Jehu, who usurps the crown from Ahab's family line and spends chapter 10 brutally killing everyone affiliated with Ahab or the Canaanite religion. He actually comes up with a clever ruse to kill all the infidel priests, by pretending to throw a big party for Baal, gathering the prophets, and then sicking his armies on them. However, Jehu is no Pablo Pious himself, since he worships golden calves. By the way, I just made up "Pablo Pious." It's like "Debbie Downer." Pretty good, huh?!!
Chapter 11 takes us through the reigns of even more kings, one of which excited me because the monarch in question, Joash, is only seven years old when he assumes the crown! That's awesome! Chapter 12 details his reign, and he turns out to be a pretty good king.
Chapter 13 is actually kind of interesting, since it describes Elisha's death and gives us two more miracle stories. In the first, Elisha meets with Jehoash, the king of Israel, while on his deathbed. He instructs the king to shoot his arrows out the window, then to shoot them into the ground; this is supposed to help in the constant wars against Syria. Jehoash obeys these instructions but only shoots three arrows into the ground, which APPARENTLY is not good enough, because Elisha gets super pissed and tells him, "You should have struck five or six times; then you would have defeated Aram utterly; as it is, you will strike Aram three times and no more" (2 Kings 13:19).
How's a guy to know?!
Elisha dies after this and is buried. During war time, people would sometimes inadvertently throw bodies into his grave, and they would be resurrected!
Chapters 14 and 15 resume the parade of uninteresting kings. There's a line where someone "rip[s] open every pregnant woman" (2 Kings 15:16). That's always fun. Not as fun as cannibalism, but pretty fun.
I sincerely hope this entry was not a festering heap of mediocrity. I don't want to speed through things or neglect details, but the details were just so... freaking... useless... To my knowledge, the Book of Chronicles will retell many of these stories in more detail, so we will get to know these charming monarchs better in due time... But for now, I've had a bit of difficulty making sense of things and I don't want to bore you with my puzzlement.
We finish Kings tomorrow. Onward!
I was going to do a typical entry and give you guys a summary of everything that went down, while pointing out all instances of cannibalism and incest and so on, but given how convoluted these chapters are, I just don't think it would be particularly fun. In the entry for Day 28 I provided a family tree for the two kingdoms, which I urge you to reference again. Today's reading took us to the reign of Pekah in Israel and Ahaz in Judah.
Basically, these chapters summarized in a few paragraphs the activities of each king, almost all of whom "did wrong in the eyes of the Lord." Military conflicts and internal conspiracies arise continuously, and the tribes have mixed success against their enemies. Of particular note, the increasing dominance of Syria (or Aram) in the region is established. Also, although a handful of Judah's kings actually aren't total fuck-ups in God's eyes, none of them so far have managed to get rid of the shrines.
Rather than actually attempt to summarize all the murders and usurping and begetting that goes on, I think I'll just go through each chapter and share the parts I liked. I hope you don't think I'm being lazy! It's really just kind of dull and I think you can get the general picture from what I've already said.
Chapter 6 concerns a war with Syria, interesting only because a woman tells this story to the king of Israel: "A woman said to me, 'Give up your child for us to eat today, and we will eat mine tomorrow.' So we cooked my son and ate him; but when I said to her the next day, 'Now give up your child for us to eat,' she had hidden him" (2 Kings 6:28-29). Oh man. That's wild!
In chapter 7, four lepers explore the Syrian camp and discover that the armies have fled because God played some sort of crazy trick and scared them away. The lepers convey this news to the people, and the king sends his troops to scope things out. Incidentally Israel is in the midst of a famine, and the day before Elisha had made a creepy prophecy to the king that grain would cost only a shekel at the gate of Samaria, and he would "see it with [his] own eyes, but... not eat any of it" (2 Kings 7:2). This prophecy comes true, as the king is trampled to death by his own subjects as they run to buy food!
Chapter 8 and 9 are rather unremarkable, containing assorted confusing genealogies, conspiracies, and random deaths. Jezebel is killed in chapter 9, and as predicted, her body is eaten by dogs. This all goes down during the reign of Jehu, who usurps the crown from Ahab's family line and spends chapter 10 brutally killing everyone affiliated with Ahab or the Canaanite religion. He actually comes up with a clever ruse to kill all the infidel priests, by pretending to throw a big party for Baal, gathering the prophets, and then sicking his armies on them. However, Jehu is no Pablo Pious himself, since he worships golden calves. By the way, I just made up "Pablo Pious." It's like "Debbie Downer." Pretty good, huh?!!
Chapter 11 takes us through the reigns of even more kings, one of which excited me because the monarch in question, Joash, is only seven years old when he assumes the crown! That's awesome! Chapter 12 details his reign, and he turns out to be a pretty good king.
Chapter 13 is actually kind of interesting, since it describes Elisha's death and gives us two more miracle stories. In the first, Elisha meets with Jehoash, the king of Israel, while on his deathbed. He instructs the king to shoot his arrows out the window, then to shoot them into the ground; this is supposed to help in the constant wars against Syria. Jehoash obeys these instructions but only shoots three arrows into the ground, which APPARENTLY is not good enough, because Elisha gets super pissed and tells him, "You should have struck five or six times; then you would have defeated Aram utterly; as it is, you will strike Aram three times and no more" (2 Kings 13:19).
How's a guy to know?!
Elisha dies after this and is buried. During war time, people would sometimes inadvertently throw bodies into his grave, and they would be resurrected!
Chapters 14 and 15 resume the parade of uninteresting kings. There's a line where someone "rip[s] open every pregnant woman" (2 Kings 15:16). That's always fun. Not as fun as cannibalism, but pretty fun.
I sincerely hope this entry was not a festering heap of mediocrity. I don't want to speed through things or neglect details, but the details were just so... freaking... useless... To my knowledge, the Book of Chronicles will retell many of these stories in more detail, so we will get to know these charming monarchs better in due time... But for now, I've had a bit of difficulty making sense of things and I don't want to bore you with my puzzlement.
We finish Kings tomorrow. Onward!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Day 30, 1 Kings 19-22, 2 Kings 1-5
My friends, we have arrived at the one month marker! We have completed a third of our bible-reading quest! For everyone reading along with me, give yourselves a pat on the back.
As you may remember, yesterday's section ended with Elijah killing all the dumb false prophets in a valley and then going for a pleasant jog in the rain. When Ahab and his evil wife Jezebel catch wind of this, they plot to kill the charming young prophet, and he is forced to hide in a cave. While there, Elijah gets super depressed and prays for death, but the next morning he awakes to find a MAGICAL CAKE FROM GOD which lifts his spirits and allows him to carry on. He leaves the cave and receives instructions to enter Damascus and anoint a new king for Aram and Israel, and to appoint a fellow named Elisha to be his disciple. Elisha and Elijah! Alliterations are so CUTE!!! They are like those twin boys who were in the news a few years back, Oranjello and Lemonjello. Gee whiz.
In chapter 20, Ahab encounters some hostility from the Aramite king and when he proves too demanding, the Israelite kingdom is drawn into war. After a bit of a tussle the Israelites prevail, although Ahab does wrong (again) by allowing the king to survive in exchange for a generous peace treaty. A prophet wishes to convey these misdeeds to the king, so bizarrely, he asks a soldier to punch him in the face. That makes so much sense! The soldier refuses and is subsequently eaten by a lion, but luckily the next soldier he asks is compliant. Now in "disguise" with an eyepatch, the prophet confronts Ahab, reveals himself, and tells him that God is not very happy. Well, what else is new?
Chapter 21 really shows off how sinister Ahab and Jezebel are. An important note about these two is that Jezebel really does seem to have a significant relationship with Ahab, and together they are a sort of dynamic duo of evil. I tend to envision them something like this:
Anyway, Ahab decides he wants a vineyard owned by a guy named Naboth, but -- as we learned back in the Torah -- it is forbidden to give away or sell land that you inherit. When Naboth conveys this unfortunate news, Ahab "take[s] to his bed, cover[s] his face, and refuse[s] to eat" (1 Kings 21:4). Oh my god, what a whiner! Jezebel, meanwhile, constructs a plan to sneakily kill off Naboth and seize the vineyard.
Since the "good guys" (relatively speaking) generally prevail in the bible, A&J don't get away with their scheme. Elijah, badass that he is, cracks down and tells them that they will be eaten by dogs for their crime, and so on and so forth.
The last chapter of the saga describes another boring war against the Aramaens, notable because it includes Ahab's death. Like the sneaky son of a gun he is, Ahab attempts to disguise himself in battle to avoid special attention, but one of the rival soldiers accidentally shoots him anyway. This chapter also features the arrival of a prophet named Micaiah, who foretells the death. Good for him.
The second book of Kings is actually just a direct continuation of the first book, and opens in the aftermath of the battle. Ahab's son Ahaziah has succeeded him in Israel, and Jehoshaphat is succeeded by Joram. At this point I regretfully realize that I never once used the phrase "Jumpin' Jehoshaphat!" during Big J's reign, which is a pity. I will try to slip it in later on, but I doubt it will have the same effect.
Anyway, don't get too attached to Ahaziah because his reign is pretty darn short. At the beginning of chapter 1, he falls out a window and requests that a Canaanite prophet ask Baal whether or not he will recover. When Elijah hears this news he gets super mad and declares to the messengers that Ahaziah "will not rise from the bed where [he is] lying; [he] will die" (2 Kings 1:4). The messengers relay this news to Ahaziah, and upon hearing that the prophet in question was "a hairy man...with a leather belt" (2 Kings 1:8), he knows that it is Elijah. He sends three companies of fifty men to talk to Elijah, perhaps to confirm the news, but communication between the two groups is made difficult by the fact that Elijah keeps burning up the troops with holy fire. At the end of the chapter Ahaziah dies and is succeeded by his brother, Jehoram. Is it just me, or does everyone have the same name? Jehoram? Jeroboam? What is wrong with Buster, people?
Chapter 2 provides us with further evidence that Elijah is a BOSS. Apparently God has decided that now is the time for Elijah to ascend to heaven, so he and Elisha trek to the Jordan River, which Elijah parts with his staff a la Moses. At this point a freakin' CHARIOT OF FIRE arrives and takes him away. So. Goddamn. Cool.
Before his departure, Elijah promised Elisha that he would pass on a "double share of [his] spirit" (2 Kings 2:8). So once Elijah flies away in the coolest possible fashion -- yes, even cooler than Ron and Harry in the flying Ford Anglia -- Elisha inherits his powers and is able to part the waters of the Jordan and perform other assorted miracles.
Chapter 3 concerns a war with Moab, which is pretty standard. The kings of Israel, Judah, and Edom unite in the battle, and Elisha comes to assist them even though he is quick to mention to Jehoram that he "would not spare a look or glance for [him] if it were not for [his] regard for King Jehoshaphat of Judah" (2 Kings 3:14). Burn! Anyway, the war unfolds in favor of Team Israel and as a last ditch effort, the Moabite king sacrifices his SON as an appeal to his god.
Chapters 4 and 5 concern the miracles of Elisha, which are nothing short of Jesus-like. On top of all the normal stuff like making food multiply, he also befriends a kind but aged woman and causes her to conceive a son. A few years later the boy is struck with some sort of illness and dies; at first Elisha's crappy servant Gehazi tries to revive him, but he is unsuccessful, so Elisha "put[s] his mouth to the child's mouth, his eyes to his eyes, and his hands to his hands" (2 Kings 4:34), which resurrects the lad. Good thing, too, because I'm pretty sure that under ordinary circumstances, doing that to a dead child can get you put in jail.
In chapter 5, Elisha cures a leper and Gehazi proves himself once again to be stupid and incompetent, because he has the nerve to secretly solicit payment from the well-to-do ex-leper and then lie about it to his master. Elisha responds by transferring the leprosy to his servant. Hah! Don't fuck with these guys! Seriously!
No, seriously, when are you biblical characters going to learn?
More Kings tomorrow and Wednesday, then we move onto Chronicles. Godspeed, friends!
As you may remember, yesterday's section ended with Elijah killing all the dumb false prophets in a valley and then going for a pleasant jog in the rain. When Ahab and his evil wife Jezebel catch wind of this, they plot to kill the charming young prophet, and he is forced to hide in a cave. While there, Elijah gets super depressed and prays for death, but the next morning he awakes to find a MAGICAL CAKE FROM GOD which lifts his spirits and allows him to carry on. He leaves the cave and receives instructions to enter Damascus and anoint a new king for Aram and Israel, and to appoint a fellow named Elisha to be his disciple. Elisha and Elijah! Alliterations are so CUTE!!! They are like those twin boys who were in the news a few years back, Oranjello and Lemonjello. Gee whiz.
In chapter 20, Ahab encounters some hostility from the Aramite king and when he proves too demanding, the Israelite kingdom is drawn into war. After a bit of a tussle the Israelites prevail, although Ahab does wrong (again) by allowing the king to survive in exchange for a generous peace treaty. A prophet wishes to convey these misdeeds to the king, so bizarrely, he asks a soldier to punch him in the face. That makes so much sense! The soldier refuses and is subsequently eaten by a lion, but luckily the next soldier he asks is compliant. Now in "disguise" with an eyepatch, the prophet confronts Ahab, reveals himself, and tells him that God is not very happy. Well, what else is new?
Chapter 21 really shows off how sinister Ahab and Jezebel are. An important note about these two is that Jezebel really does seem to have a significant relationship with Ahab, and together they are a sort of dynamic duo of evil. I tend to envision them something like this:
Anyway, Ahab decides he wants a vineyard owned by a guy named Naboth, but -- as we learned back in the Torah -- it is forbidden to give away or sell land that you inherit. When Naboth conveys this unfortunate news, Ahab "take[s] to his bed, cover[s] his face, and refuse[s] to eat" (1 Kings 21:4). Oh my god, what a whiner! Jezebel, meanwhile, constructs a plan to sneakily kill off Naboth and seize the vineyard.
Since the "good guys" (relatively speaking) generally prevail in the bible, A&J don't get away with their scheme. Elijah, badass that he is, cracks down and tells them that they will be eaten by dogs for their crime, and so on and so forth.
The last chapter of the saga describes another boring war against the Aramaens, notable because it includes Ahab's death. Like the sneaky son of a gun he is, Ahab attempts to disguise himself in battle to avoid special attention, but one of the rival soldiers accidentally shoots him anyway. This chapter also features the arrival of a prophet named Micaiah, who foretells the death. Good for him.
The second book of Kings is actually just a direct continuation of the first book, and opens in the aftermath of the battle. Ahab's son Ahaziah has succeeded him in Israel, and Jehoshaphat is succeeded by Joram. At this point I regretfully realize that I never once used the phrase "Jumpin' Jehoshaphat!" during Big J's reign, which is a pity. I will try to slip it in later on, but I doubt it will have the same effect.
Anyway, don't get too attached to Ahaziah because his reign is pretty darn short. At the beginning of chapter 1, he falls out a window and requests that a Canaanite prophet ask Baal whether or not he will recover. When Elijah hears this news he gets super mad and declares to the messengers that Ahaziah "will not rise from the bed where [he is] lying; [he] will die" (2 Kings 1:4). The messengers relay this news to Ahaziah, and upon hearing that the prophet in question was "a hairy man...with a leather belt" (2 Kings 1:8), he knows that it is Elijah. He sends three companies of fifty men to talk to Elijah, perhaps to confirm the news, but communication between the two groups is made difficult by the fact that Elijah keeps burning up the troops with holy fire. At the end of the chapter Ahaziah dies and is succeeded by his brother, Jehoram. Is it just me, or does everyone have the same name? Jehoram? Jeroboam? What is wrong with Buster, people?
Chapter 2 provides us with further evidence that Elijah is a BOSS. Apparently God has decided that now is the time for Elijah to ascend to heaven, so he and Elisha trek to the Jordan River, which Elijah parts with his staff a la Moses. At this point a freakin' CHARIOT OF FIRE arrives and takes him away. So. Goddamn. Cool.
Before his departure, Elijah promised Elisha that he would pass on a "double share of [his] spirit" (2 Kings 2:8). So once Elijah flies away in the coolest possible fashion -- yes, even cooler than Ron and Harry in the flying Ford Anglia -- Elisha inherits his powers and is able to part the waters of the Jordan and perform other assorted miracles.
Chapter 3 concerns a war with Moab, which is pretty standard. The kings of Israel, Judah, and Edom unite in the battle, and Elisha comes to assist them even though he is quick to mention to Jehoram that he "would not spare a look or glance for [him] if it were not for [his] regard for King Jehoshaphat of Judah" (2 Kings 3:14). Burn! Anyway, the war unfolds in favor of Team Israel and as a last ditch effort, the Moabite king sacrifices his SON as an appeal to his god.
Chapters 4 and 5 concern the miracles of Elisha, which are nothing short of Jesus-like. On top of all the normal stuff like making food multiply, he also befriends a kind but aged woman and causes her to conceive a son. A few years later the boy is struck with some sort of illness and dies; at first Elisha's crappy servant Gehazi tries to revive him, but he is unsuccessful, so Elisha "put[s] his mouth to the child's mouth, his eyes to his eyes, and his hands to his hands" (2 Kings 4:34), which resurrects the lad. Good thing, too, because I'm pretty sure that under ordinary circumstances, doing that to a dead child can get you put in jail.
In chapter 5, Elisha cures a leper and Gehazi proves himself once again to be stupid and incompetent, because he has the nerve to secretly solicit payment from the well-to-do ex-leper and then lie about it to his master. Elisha responds by transferring the leprosy to his servant. Hah! Don't fuck with these guys! Seriously!
No, seriously, when are you biblical characters going to learn?
More Kings tomorrow and Wednesday, then we move onto Chronicles. Godspeed, friends!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Day 29, 1 Kings 10-18
Today's reading continues the saga of King Solomon, David's heir to the throne. In chapter 10 he befriends the queen of Sheba and establishes some diplomatic ties with her. Now, there was something really familiar to me about the title queen of Sheba, and the footnotes said that this section was a "popular magnification of Solomon's wisdom" so I was a little bummed that nothing particularly interesting happens between the two pals. They just exchange goods and are friendly towards each other. Only one line describing their interaction was really of interest: "King Solomon gave the queen of Sheba whatever she desired and asked for, in addition to all that he gave her of his royal bounty" (1 Kings 10:13). This could mean anything, of course, but the Ethiopian Jews have since interpreted it to mean SEX!!! They trace the lineage of their king to David based on this interaction between the queen of Sheba and Solomon. How droll.
Solomon's portrayal up to this point has been mostly favorable, but chapter 11 provides us with a negative counterpart. Although the new king is incredibly wise and reasonably effective as a ruler, he does seem to have a rampant sexual hunger and a taste for foreign wives, even from "nations with whom the Lord had forbidden the Israelites to intermarry" (1 Kings 11:2). He has SEVEN HUNDRED wives and THREE HUNDRED concubines who conspire to "turn his heart to follow other gods" (1 Kings 11:3). Personally, I'd think that with one thousand sexual partners you wouldn't have much time to undergo a religious conversion, but Solomon isn't like the rest of us. When God gets wind of this he is super pissed and tells Solomon that his kingdom will be reduced to one tribe (instead of twelve) because of his infidelity. The only reason God preserves the kingdom at all is because of his covenant with David.
Meanwhile, God sends a prophet named Ahijah to alert a lad named Jeroboam that he will become king of the other ten tribes. I know there is supposed to be twelve, but somehow Jeroboam gets ten and Solomon gets one... Not sure where the last one goes! Anyway, Jeroboam goes to Egypt to bide his time and Solomon dies, his son Rehoboam succeeding him as king.
Rehoboam, we immediately see, is pretty goddamn stupid. Early in his kingship the people petition him for less work, and although his advisors tell him to comply, he follows the advice of his friends and tells the people, "My little finger is thicker than my father's loins. My father laid a heavy yoke on you, but I shall make it heavier. My father whipped you, but I shall flay you" (1 Kings 12:10-11). Okay, asshole. Wow. I bet everyone really wants you to be king now. This opens the doors for Jeroboam's rebellion, which is successful, but as soon as his kingship is established he starts building shrines, which we know from experience is probably not a good move!
Chapter 13 concerns a prophet who enters Jeroboam's kingdom to predict the eventual coming of Josiah, a Davidic king who will reclaim the Israelite territory. Jeroboam gets pretty annoyed at the prophet and yells for his guards to seize him, but while making a gesture in the prophet's direction, God paralyzes his hand.
The prophet heads home, but on his way encounters an old man, who asks him to join him for a meal. The prophet declines, as he has been forbidden to eat or drink on his journey, but the man lies and says that he too is a prophet and has been instructed by God to invite his fellow prophet to a meal. Isn't it GREAT how they don't have names? IT MAKES IT SO EASY TO WRITE ABOUT THEM. Anyway, after eating the meal the prophet is attacked and killed by a lion, proving his legitimacy. The man responsible for his death is evidently pretty guilty because he takes care of burying the body and requests that when he dies, he be buried alongside the prophet. Okay.
In spite of the warning from the prophet, Jeroboam continues building shrines and generally breaking all the rules, so God punishes him by making his son sick. Jeroboam sends his wife in disguise to consult with Ahijah, a prophet in Shiloh, who confirms that Jeroboam's infidelity will eventually bring the downfall of his kingdom, and that the moment the wife steps across the border to her territory, her son will die. The prophet adds, "All of Israel will mourn for him and bury him; he alone of all Jeroboam's family will have a proper burial, because in him alone could the Lord the God of Israel find anything good" (1 Kings 14:13). That's harsh!
The prediction comes true and it is the last story we hear from Jeroboam's reign, as he is succeeded by his son, Nadab.
Meanwhile, back in the kingdom of Judah, things aren't going much better. The shrines are still in place, and are frequented by male prostitutes and other abominable folks. At the end of chapter 14, Rehoboam is succeeded by his son, Abijam.
I really don't feel like going into detail with chapters 15 and 16; basically they describe, very briefly, the successive reigns in Judah and Israel for quite a few generations. The two Hebrewite nations are constantly at odds with each other, and most of the kings are complete fuck-ups; one exception is Asa, from Judah. Rather than try to describe all these reigns, I'll provide you with this handy family tree from Wikipedia so you can see it for yourself!
By the end of today's reading, we arrive at the reigns of Jehoshaphat in Judah, and Ahab in Israel. Ahab -- like the guy from Moby Dick! -- is a real jackass who "more than any of his predecessors... [does] what is wrong in the eyes of the Lord" (1 Kings 16:30). Another important note is that chapter 16 is the first time that the northern kingdom is referred to as Samaria. A lot of people don't realize that during most of biblical history, Israel was split into two sections: the Davidic Judah and the northern territory of Samaria. The word "Jew" describes someone from the southern territory, while "Samaritan" refers to someone from the northern territory. If you are familiar with the parable from Luke's Gospel about the "good Samaritan" you will know that these two factions continued to exist throughout Antiquity and were rather at odds with each other. Samaritans are an interesting group of people, because although they are definitely not Jews, they are also not gentiles. They read from the Torah, but not the rest of the canonical bible, and actually continue to exist today. There are about seven hundred of them left. How crazy!
Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming. Chapter 17 introduces us to Elijah, who is a prophet and -- if I remember correctly from Hebrew school -- a straight up bad ass. In chapter 17, he seeks to punish Ahab for his naughty behavior by causing a drought. During this period he takes refuge with a widow and her sons, and endears himself to her by magically increasing her food and resurrecting her son from the dead... Hey, doesn't this sound like something someone more famous will do later? After three years of famine and drought, Elijah decides to put an end to the madness, and sends the king's pious "comptroller of the household" (1 Kings 18:3), Obadiah, to report his return. Obidiah is hesitant because the king has been searching for the elusive Elijah for months, and if he should disappear after Obidiah announces his arrival, he will be put to death. However, Elijah persists and all goes according to plan; he gathers the prophets at the top of Mount Carmel, where he one again proves the superiority of the Hebrew God.
Apparently Ahab's territory is so goddamn corrupt that four hundred and fifty prophets are representatives of the Canaanite god, Baal, but Elijah is the only prophet representing the Hebrew god. He lays out two cow and instructs his rival prophets to invoke their God to set the offering on fire. They "[dance] wildly by the altar...[and gash] themselves with swords and spears until the blood [flows]" (1 Kings 18:26-28) but their efforts are fruitless. In response, Elijah easily invokes his God and the offering is set aflame. Then he takes all the badly behaved prophets into a valley and kills them!
At this point the drought story resumes, and rain begins to fall. As the storm begins, Ahab begins a fifteen mile chariot drive to Jezreel, and Elijah "[tucks] up his robe and [runs] before Ahab all the way" (1 Kings 18:46). Such a boss! I like to run too, but I hope Elijah has a case for his iPod because it's probably going to start raining pretty hard and those things are fucked if they get wet.
That wraps things up for today! Tomorrow we finish the first book of Kings, hooray! I hope you're not getting bored, because I'M SURE NOT, and I'm the one doing all the work!
Solomon's portrayal up to this point has been mostly favorable, but chapter 11 provides us with a negative counterpart. Although the new king is incredibly wise and reasonably effective as a ruler, he does seem to have a rampant sexual hunger and a taste for foreign wives, even from "nations with whom the Lord had forbidden the Israelites to intermarry" (1 Kings 11:2). He has SEVEN HUNDRED wives and THREE HUNDRED concubines who conspire to "turn his heart to follow other gods" (1 Kings 11:3). Personally, I'd think that with one thousand sexual partners you wouldn't have much time to undergo a religious conversion, but Solomon isn't like the rest of us. When God gets wind of this he is super pissed and tells Solomon that his kingdom will be reduced to one tribe (instead of twelve) because of his infidelity. The only reason God preserves the kingdom at all is because of his covenant with David.
Meanwhile, God sends a prophet named Ahijah to alert a lad named Jeroboam that he will become king of the other ten tribes. I know there is supposed to be twelve, but somehow Jeroboam gets ten and Solomon gets one... Not sure where the last one goes! Anyway, Jeroboam goes to Egypt to bide his time and Solomon dies, his son Rehoboam succeeding him as king.
Rehoboam, we immediately see, is pretty goddamn stupid. Early in his kingship the people petition him for less work, and although his advisors tell him to comply, he follows the advice of his friends and tells the people, "My little finger is thicker than my father's loins. My father laid a heavy yoke on you, but I shall make it heavier. My father whipped you, but I shall flay you" (1 Kings 12:10-11). Okay, asshole. Wow. I bet everyone really wants you to be king now. This opens the doors for Jeroboam's rebellion, which is successful, but as soon as his kingship is established he starts building shrines, which we know from experience is probably not a good move!
Chapter 13 concerns a prophet who enters Jeroboam's kingdom to predict the eventual coming of Josiah, a Davidic king who will reclaim the Israelite territory. Jeroboam gets pretty annoyed at the prophet and yells for his guards to seize him, but while making a gesture in the prophet's direction, God paralyzes his hand.
The prophet heads home, but on his way encounters an old man, who asks him to join him for a meal. The prophet declines, as he has been forbidden to eat or drink on his journey, but the man lies and says that he too is a prophet and has been instructed by God to invite his fellow prophet to a meal. Isn't it GREAT how they don't have names? IT MAKES IT SO EASY TO WRITE ABOUT THEM. Anyway, after eating the meal the prophet is attacked and killed by a lion, proving his legitimacy. The man responsible for his death is evidently pretty guilty because he takes care of burying the body and requests that when he dies, he be buried alongside the prophet. Okay.
In spite of the warning from the prophet, Jeroboam continues building shrines and generally breaking all the rules, so God punishes him by making his son sick. Jeroboam sends his wife in disguise to consult with Ahijah, a prophet in Shiloh, who confirms that Jeroboam's infidelity will eventually bring the downfall of his kingdom, and that the moment the wife steps across the border to her territory, her son will die. The prophet adds, "All of Israel will mourn for him and bury him; he alone of all Jeroboam's family will have a proper burial, because in him alone could the Lord the God of Israel find anything good" (1 Kings 14:13). That's harsh!
The prediction comes true and it is the last story we hear from Jeroboam's reign, as he is succeeded by his son, Nadab.
Meanwhile, back in the kingdom of Judah, things aren't going much better. The shrines are still in place, and are frequented by male prostitutes and other abominable folks. At the end of chapter 14, Rehoboam is succeeded by his son, Abijam.
I really don't feel like going into detail with chapters 15 and 16; basically they describe, very briefly, the successive reigns in Judah and Israel for quite a few generations. The two Hebrewite nations are constantly at odds with each other, and most of the kings are complete fuck-ups; one exception is Asa, from Judah. Rather than try to describe all these reigns, I'll provide you with this handy family tree from Wikipedia so you can see it for yourself!
By the end of today's reading, we arrive at the reigns of Jehoshaphat in Judah, and Ahab in Israel. Ahab -- like the guy from Moby Dick! -- is a real jackass who "more than any of his predecessors... [does] what is wrong in the eyes of the Lord" (1 Kings 16:30). Another important note is that chapter 16 is the first time that the northern kingdom is referred to as Samaria. A lot of people don't realize that during most of biblical history, Israel was split into two sections: the Davidic Judah and the northern territory of Samaria. The word "Jew" describes someone from the southern territory, while "Samaritan" refers to someone from the northern territory. If you are familiar with the parable from Luke's Gospel about the "good Samaritan" you will know that these two factions continued to exist throughout Antiquity and were rather at odds with each other. Samaritans are an interesting group of people, because although they are definitely not Jews, they are also not gentiles. They read from the Torah, but not the rest of the canonical bible, and actually continue to exist today. There are about seven hundred of them left. How crazy!
Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming. Chapter 17 introduces us to Elijah, who is a prophet and -- if I remember correctly from Hebrew school -- a straight up bad ass. In chapter 17, he seeks to punish Ahab for his naughty behavior by causing a drought. During this period he takes refuge with a widow and her sons, and endears himself to her by magically increasing her food and resurrecting her son from the dead... Hey, doesn't this sound like something someone more famous will do later? After three years of famine and drought, Elijah decides to put an end to the madness, and sends the king's pious "comptroller of the household" (1 Kings 18:3), Obadiah, to report his return. Obidiah is hesitant because the king has been searching for the elusive Elijah for months, and if he should disappear after Obidiah announces his arrival, he will be put to death. However, Elijah persists and all goes according to plan; he gathers the prophets at the top of Mount Carmel, where he one again proves the superiority of the Hebrew God.
Apparently Ahab's territory is so goddamn corrupt that four hundred and fifty prophets are representatives of the Canaanite god, Baal, but Elijah is the only prophet representing the Hebrew god. He lays out two cow and instructs his rival prophets to invoke their God to set the offering on fire. They "[dance] wildly by the altar...[and gash] themselves with swords and spears until the blood [flows]" (1 Kings 18:26-28) but their efforts are fruitless. In response, Elijah easily invokes his God and the offering is set aflame. Then he takes all the badly behaved prophets into a valley and kills them!
At this point the drought story resumes, and rain begins to fall. As the storm begins, Ahab begins a fifteen mile chariot drive to Jezreel, and Elijah "[tucks] up his robe and [runs] before Ahab all the way" (1 Kings 18:46). Such a boss! I like to run too, but I hope Elijah has a case for his iPod because it's probably going to start raining pretty hard and those things are fucked if they get wet.
That wraps things up for today! Tomorrow we finish the first book of Kings, hooray! I hope you're not getting bored, because I'M SURE NOT, and I'm the one doing all the work!
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