This is it, guys. The last day of the Old Testament. From here on out, it's Jesus Time! Kind of like Hammer Time but with more violent executions and less cool pants.
The first of our last three prophets is Haggai, who lived in Judah after the Babylonian Exile, in the early 500s BCE. He encouraged people to rebuild the Temple, believing that piety and prosperity were linked. He also believed that Zerubbabel, the grandson of the exiled king Jehoiachin, was destined to be the future leader of Israel.
The Book of Haggai, which is only a brief two chapters, is followed by the Book of Zechariah. Scholars will often divide Zechariah into two parts, the first of which occupies chapters 1 through 8 and was also written in the aftermath of the Babylonian Exile, and the second of which contains chapters 9 through 14. The latter, "Deutero-Zechariah" is described as being "too diverse to have a unified description" but was probably written at some point after 160 BCE.
In chapter 1, Zechariah has visions of horses and an accompanying conversation with an angel, who tells him that God is going to return to Jerusalem. "I was only a little angry," God says of his decision to obliterate all of Judah (Zec 1:15). Well. That's good to know.
Zechariah has another vision, then encounters a man carrying a measuring line, intending to "measure Jerusalem, to find out how wide and how long it is" (Zec 2:2). Looks like someone has autism! An angel descends and says that this is unnecessary -- because God's presence will nullify the man-made physical limitations of the city -- but I think this guy probably just likes to measure stuff. Let him have his kicks, God!
Satan makes an appearance in chapter 3, when the high priest Joshua is tried before the divine court and subsequently purified. Apparently, in the Old Testament Satan was an angel who accused wrongdoers in God's court -- not the "prince of evil" or anything along those lines.
Chapter 4 talks more about Israel's redemption; God describes how he will rebuild the temple "not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit" (Zec 4:6). Hey, we used to have a song about this at Jew Camp! It went like this: "Not by might! Not by power! But by SPIIIIIIIIIRIT alone! (Ru-ah!) Shall we all live in peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeace!" Inspired, huh? Ruah, incidentally, is Hebrew for "spirit," and also "wind."
Chapters 5 and 6 consist of more visions, including one particularly weird one of a woman in a basket being taken to Babylon; she symbolizes wickedness, or something. Then God raises questions about the Jews' piety, asking, "When you fasted and mourned... was it really for me that you fasted? And when you were eating and drinking, were you not just feasting for yourselves?" (Zec 7:5-6). He concludes that the Jews have been a bunch of ungrateful jerks: "When I called, they did not listen; so when they called, I would not listen" (Zec 7:13). Tough cookies.
In chapter 8, God describes the redeemed Jerusalem, where "men and women of ripe age will sit in the streets...with cane in hand because of their age. The city streets will be filled with boys and girls playing there" (Zec 8:4-5). In other words, it's going to be like an episode of Leave It To Beaver. Well, things could be worse.
Chapter 9 -- the first chapter of "Deutero-Zechariah," by the way -- gives us some nice, fat messianic predictions! "See, your king comes to you," God declares, "righteous and victorious, lowly and riding on a donkey... He will proclaim peace to the nations" (Zec 9:9-10). Jesus, we will see, actually rides into Jerusalem on a donkey later on, possibly in attempt to fulfill the prophecy. Interestingly, a donkey was chosen not only because it is a "humble" animal, but also because donkeys represent peace, while horses are war animals. I knew there was a reason I hate horses. It's because I hate war!
Chapter 10 further details Israel's restoration, and then in chapter 11 God reflects on the earlier days of Israel's impiety: "The flock detested me and I grew weary of them and said, 'I will not be your shepherd. Let the dying die, and the perishing perish. Let those who are left eat one another's flesh'" (Zec 11:8).
The book wraps up with some more wacky oracles about how Israel's enemies are DOOMED, then talks about how Israel will be cleansed from sin. The last chapter, which describes Judgment Day, is a total pipe dream wherein Israel is all-powerful and prosperous, and its enemies are riddled with suffering.
Last but not least is Malachi! This final book was written circa 500-450 BCE and addresses the hardships that followed the Babylonian Exile. Malachi implored the people to live by the Law, remain pure of heart (like Pinocchio), and stay devoted to God. God, in Malachi's view, loves Israel but resents the people's lack of faith. He returns to the oft-used marriage metaphor, saying "Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the Lord loves by marrying women who worship a foreign god" (Malachi 2:11). The thing that baffled me here is that God is clearly male, and Israel is normally described as his "bride," but here is also male... Which means that the marriage between God and Israel is ACTUALLY a civil union, am I right?!
Anyway, the point is that Malachi actually condemns divorce, which is a little unusual since it was typically allowed in Jewish law. Whether he refers to actual divorce or simply metaphorical "divorce" between God and the Jews, I'm not sure.
The last chapter of the good ol' Testament concerns Judgment Day, when evildoers will be set on fire and the "sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its rays" (Malachi 4:2). He also tells the people to keep their eyes open for the prophet Elijah, who will return to earth right before the end of time. This is why Jews always set an extra plate at their Passover Seders. We are hoping that Elijah will show up, have some Manischewitz with us, then leave to fuck up all the gentiles. Yep, any day now!
You guys, that's IT! THE OLD TESTAMENT IS DONE! To anyone who read this blog during these trying first seventy days, thanks a bunch for your support. Twenty days to go! We're in the stretch drive!
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