Today's reading took me FOREVER since I kept getting distracted and looking up pictures of burritos online. Of course when I was in San Francisco all summer it never occurred to me to eat a burrito, but now that I'm in Montreal it's all I think about. Goddamnit.
Anyway, we've got five swell prophets to talk about today! One thing I wanted to bring up before we begin: aside from maybe Jonah, have you heard of ANY of these guys? Most of them don't even sound vaguely familiar to me, which is saying a lot. Correspondingly, they are not that interesting, although one of the more annoying things about the bible is that usually hidden within a mountain of boring crap will be one or two interesting lines, so you have to sift through everything to get to them. Or rather, I have to sift through everything and you have to read my charming blog where I report the highlights!
Bitching and moaning aside, Jonah is actually one of my favorite biblical characters. He's such an asshole and a fuck-up! Although nothing in the text really indicates this, I always imagine him as sort of a smart-aleck, the kind of guy who always wants to know what's in it for him.
The Book of Jonah, by the way, is usually dated to somewhere between 600 and 400 BCE, and it is the only prophetic book that reads like a story. Although a prophet named Jonah is mentioned briefly in 2 Kings, we don't have enough information to determine whether they are the same person.
Our tale kicks off with Jonah receiving instructions from God to go to Nineveh, the Assyrian capital, and denounce it. Jonah, however, is in the middle of a battle with the champion of the Elite Four and can't save his game, so he blows God off. After defeating Gary and becoming the Pokemon Master, he actually attempts to run away from God, boarding a ship bound for Tarshish. Why he thought he could "run away" from God is beyond me, since the Hebrew God isn't a PHYSICAL ENTITY and is omnipotent... But nonetheless, he gets on the boat. Once at sea, a great storm overtakes the vessel and everyone freaks out, except for Jonah, who is snoozing in a hammock. The other sailors wake him up and he realizes that God is causing the storm to punish him. Perhaps because he's a hero, or more likely because he's the master of DON'T GIVE A FUCK, he tells them to throw him off the boat. After initially hesitating, they comply, and the storm stops.
Jonah, meanwhile, is swallowed by a whale, which is by far the coolest way to be rescued from death at sea. He remains inside for three days, during which time he prays to God, and at the end of the third day the whale "[vomits] Jonah onto dry land" (Jonah 2:10). Whale vomit, gross!
Having learned his lesson, Jonah reports to Nineveh and delivers his prophecy. For once, the people actually heed his words and turn from sin, so God decides to spare them.
Here is arguably the best part of the book: Jonah is mad that he was successful! I guess that he is like me and enjoys watching God fuck people's shit up. I think the main difference is that I am a lot further removed from these events than he was, so my morbid desire is slightly more appropriate.
Bummed out, Jonah sits down on a nearby hill to watch what will happen to the city. While he's sitting there, God makes a tree appear to give him shelter, and subsequently destroys it. Jonah gets super pissed that his tree is gone, proclaiming that, "I'm so angry I wish I were dead" (Jonah 4:9). Isn't he the best?!! God explains that he's being ridiculous, because he never planted the tree or knew it was going to be there, and he did nothing to help it grow. Jonah should not be sorry about the tree, but God, on the other hand, is "sorry about the great city of Nineveh, with its hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left" (Jonah 4:11). Hey, I can sympathize with that. Telling left from right is hard! I still have to make an 'L' with my thumb and forefinger to figure it out.
After Jonah is the Book of Micah, which deals thematically with God's care and concern for human existence. The first three chapters were probably written at some point in the 8th century BCE, following a big Assyrian attack on Israel, while the last four chapters are from the Babylonian Exile or later.
Since we have a lot of ground to cover, and there isn't anything particularly new here, I'll just share my favorite lines.
From chapter 2, on false prophets: "If a liar and deceiver comes and says, 'I will prophesy for you plenty of wine and beer,' that would be just the prophet for this people!" (Micah 2:11). Wow. That is golden. It's so great that I posted it on my Tumblr. Seriously, that's FUNNY! That's the kind of prophet everyone needs.
From chapter 5: "But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, though you are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for me one who will be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times" (Micah 5:2). Here is the idea that the messiah must come from Bethlehem, birthplace of King David! When we get to Matthew and Luke, I'll talk about how both authors manipulated their stories to ensure that Jesus was born there. Micah goes on to describe this future messiah, who will "stand and shepherd his flock in the strength of the Lord... [and whose] greatness will reach to the ends of the earth" (Micah 5:4). Pretty neat.
The rest of the book is standard stuff about how Israel is sinful and God is great, same old, same old.
The Book of Nahum is a little unusual, since it was written at around 612 BCE, after the fall of the Assyrian capital, Nineveh. The prophet saw this as God's divine punishment, and so he is less preoccupied with Israel's sins, regarding Nineveh's destruction as some kind of reward for the Jews. In chapter 3, he describes God's wrath: "I will lift your skirts over your face," says God. "I will show the nations your nakedness and the kingdoms your shame" (Nahum 3:5). Uh oh. That sounds embarrassing!
Habakkuk, on top of having the most fun name to say out loud, continues chronologically where Nahum leaves off. Written at some point between 612 and 597 BCE, Habakkuk conveys the sad reality that Nineveh's destruction does not mean peace for Judah; instead, the Jews are faced with the Babylonians, who have ambitions to conquer the world. The prophet converses with God, demanding to know "why... [he] tolerate[s] the treacherous...[and is] silent while the wicked swallow up those more righteous than themselves" (Habakkuk 1:13).
Last but not least is Zephaniah, a prophet who presumably lived at some point before 621 BCE. With great poetic enthusiasm, he discusses God's rage against sinful Judah, and the approaching doom. How many times have I used the phrase "approaching doom" in this blog? Feels like a whole lot.
Anyway, that's it for today. Three prophets to go, guys! We're almost there!
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