Coda

I always meant to write a conclusion to this project, but somehow I forgot all about it after I finished it up and was bombarded with a bunch of stupid finals. However, this morning I came across THIS charming picture --

-- and was reminded that, oh yeah! Many moons ago, I used to blog about the bible, and I never really wrapped things up.

First off, I owe a huge thank you to everyone who read this blog, whether it was the whole thing or just a couple of entries. I realized about halfway through that writing the blog was a huge part of what motivated me to finish the project. Although we never went viral and surpassed Rebecca Black's Friday video in popularity, as was the dream, just knowing that a handful of people were interested in what I had to say gave me a warm fuzzy feeling and convinced me that quitting on this project was not an option. So give yourselves a round of applause, humble readership! Pour yourself a drink! This noble experiment could not exist without you!

I began this project without any serious goals other than completing it, and with that in consideration, I think I learned a lot. For every mind-numbingly boring passage I endured, there were others that were funny, intriguing, and even emotional or sad, and I'm grateful for my enriched familiarity with biblical lore. It has also become clear to me that reading the bible only scratches the surface of Judaism and Christianity, which are both complex and intricate religions. One day in the WAY DISTANT future I would like to tackle some rabbinic texts, and maybe the Apocrypha as well.

Anyway, I can't think of much else to say. Happy winter holidays everyone! We are in the midst of Hannukah (I made latkes), Christmas is two days away, KWANZAA is a mere three days away -- and TODAY is Festivus, for the rest of us. These are exciting times.

To conclude this blog, I'd like to share my favorite quote about religion. It comes from Harriet Beecher Stowe's novel Uncle Tom's Cabin. Enjoy, friends.

"'Religion!' said St. Clare, in a tone that made both ladies look at him. 'Religion! Is what you hear at church religion? Is that which can bend and turn, and descend and ascend, to fit every crooked phase of selfish, worldly society, religion? Is that religion which is less scrupulous, less generous, less just, less considerate for man, than my own ungodly, worldly, blinded nature? No! When I look for a religion, I must look for something above me, and not something beneath.'"

 Chew your cud on that! Until next time, adios amigos. 

Day 90, Revelations 6-22

Well, WE FUCKING DID IT! Do you like how I include you in this, saying "we" even though I've done literally all the work? Whatever. I'm too elated to care right now. IT'S OVER! IT'S DONE! THE BIBLE IS READ!

In the next few days I will attempt to write something conclusive, a sort of coda for this project, but right now I'm just going to give you a good old fashioned entry. Revelations is an INSANE FREAKING BOOK and deserves some attention.

When we left yesterday, Zombie Jesus Lamb had just appeared from nowhere and was preparing to open up the seven seals. Upon opening the first four, different colored horses appear, each whom symbolize a different element of the earth's impending destruction. The fifth seal causes martyrs to appear under the altar... okay... And the sixth seal causes a big stinkin' EARTHQUAKE! The imagery is totally insane, with "stars of the sky [falling] to the earth...[and] the sky [vanishing] like a scroll that is being rolled up" (Revelations 6:13-14). How cool is that?

In chapter 7, 144,000 people are chosen -- or "sealed," since we seem to really love that word -- to be servants of God, and then the multitudes line up in front of God's throne. Then the seventh seal is opened, at which point all hell truly breaks loose; there are "peals of thunder, rumblings, flashes of lighting, and an earthquake" (Revelations 8:5). Seven angels blow trumpets in succession, each of which causes people to die in different gruesome ways; through this "first woe," a third of earth's population is killed.

The imagery in Revelations, as I've already said, is so damn cool. John must have taken a ton of LSD before he wrote this. In chapter 10, an angel "wrapped in a cloud, with a rainbow over his head, and [a] face like the sun, and his legs like pillars of fire" (Revelations 10:1) gives John a little book, which he instructs him to EAT, then scamper off and make more prophecies. Like the good Christian soldier he is, John consents, noting that the book tasted GREAT but didn't agree with his tummy.

John goes off to measure the altar in the temple -- because when in doubt, measure stuff -- and while he is on his way over, the second "woe" occurs. The seventh angel blows his trumpet and voices declare that "the kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of his Christ" (Revelations 11:15), and God's "temple" in heaven is opened.

In chapter 12, "a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars" gives birth to a son, but a dragon appears in the sky and tries to eat him. Fortunately, both of them escape, the child going to God and the woman fleeing into the wilderness. Meanwhile, the angels wage war against the dragon, who we find out is named Satan! He is thrown from the heavens to earth along with his pals, where he pursues the woman, but she sprouts wings and is able to escape. The dragon gets so pissed that he decides to wage war with the rest of humankind.

Chapter 13 gives us a nifty description of two of Satan's evil monster pals, then in chapter 14 the narrative shifts back to our friend THE LAMB, who is standing on Mount Zion with the redeemed people. Some angels flutter around telling people to worship God and not Satan, although I have to say that if I was faced with a choice between a cool red dragon and a scary seven-eyed lamb, I'd probably go with the former. Satan sounds like Charizard!

After this, the angels decide that they haven't caused enough havoc, and drop seven golden bowls onto the earth. These cause seven more horrific plagues, the third "woe."

While all this is going on, John goes for a pleasant stroll on the beach and sees a prostitute. At first he's like, "Whoa, look! A prostitute!" but an angel says to him, "Why do you marvel? I will tell you the mystery of this woman, and of the beast with seven heads and ten horns that carries her" (Revelations 17:7). The prostitute apparently represents Babylon, and each of her attributes are some symbol of earthly sin. In chapter 18, Babylon is destroyed, and everyone is super bummed.

They get over it quickly, however, and chapter 19 is devoted to praising God, who "has judged the great prostitute who corrupted the earth with her immorality" (Revelations 19:2). Hooray! All is well! John's angel friend tells him, "Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb" (Revelations 19:9). In his enthusiasm and fervor, John starts to worship the angel, but the angel is like, "Dude, cut it out, I'm just a servant of God too you know." They are spared any kind of awkward aftermath, because at this point a white horse appears and throws some monsters into a lake!

This is a great story!

Anyway, Satan gets tied up for a thousand years, during which Jesus reigns happily. After the thousand years, Satan is released and tries to fight, but his efforts are in vain and he is thrown into a lake of sulfur and fire. It is noted that, "if anyone's name [is] not found written in the book of life, he [is] thrown into the lake of fire" (Revelations 20:15).

I guess this refers to JEWS and HOMOSEXUALS, among others.

Chapter 21 gives us a dazzling description of the new heaven, new earth, and new Jerusalem, which radiates "like a most rare jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal... [and] has no need of sun or moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb" (Revelations 21:11-22).

The LAST CHAPTER of the whole freakin' bible tells us to get psyched, because Jesus ordained all this stuff and it's going to happen any day now: "Behold, I am coming soon," Jesus says. "Blessed is the one who keeps the words off the prophecy of this book" (Revelations 22:7).

Wow. Golly gee. That was quite the tale! I suspect it will take me a little while to process all that I read. For the time being...

LET'S PARTY!!!!

Day 89, 2 Peter, 1, 2, 3 John, Jude, Revelations 1-5

Oh geez, it's day EIGHTY NINE! One day left! Holy shit!

We've got six books today, which I think is our all time record. Most of them are pretty short and boring, so let's blow right on through this penultimate day of bible blogging!

Peter's second epistle is so darn different from his first epistle that most scholars suggest it was written by a later church figure around 150 CE. It deals loosely with the apocalypse, predicting the "glorious return of Christ," and has a lot of crossover with the letter of Jude, which we'll get to later.

Next up is John's first epistle, which my study bible explains is not so much a letter as a "tract" written to counter heretics who denied that Jesus's "incarnation" was real. It is presumed to have been written in Ephesus circa 95-110 CE. This letter has some nice stuff in it; the author talks a lot about LOVE and how gosh darn important it is: ""Whoever does not love abides in death," the author writes (1 John 3:14). YOU HEAR THAT, VOLDEMORT? Your horcruxes are nothing without LOVE!!!

Do I talk about Harry Potter too much in this blog? I guess I'm just psyched about FINISHING IT for the millionth time. Oh boy.

Anyway, John continues to lay on the hippie dippie crap about how God IS love, and that loving is synonymous with believing in God, yada, yada, yada. There's a nice little line in chapter 4 that rang a bell for me -- I think it must be pretty well known, although I don't know where I heard it: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he loved us first" (1 John 4:18-19). Aaaawww. I wanna cry! Who has a tissue?

John's next two letters are really freakin' short, taking up only a page each. The second letter is written by a man called "the Elder" to a specific Christian community, warning them to beware of heretics who deny Jesus. The third letter is also written by the Elder, this time to his pal Gaius, asking him to provide hospitality to a group of Emissaries.

The "Elder" is such a cool alias. Wasn't there a KISS album about him? There totally was! It was their "concept" album. God, what a great band.

 

How do I know shit like this?  Don't I continually shock you with my bizarre inventory of really embarrassing knowledge?

Second to last is the letter of Jude, who directed his thoughts to all Christians rather than a specific congregation. How inclusive! His purpose in writing is to urge Christians to defend their faith against false teaching. As incentive he reminds us of historical wrongdoers, like the citizens of Sodom and Gomorrah, who were subjected to "a punishment of eternal fire" (Jude 1:7).

Finally, we arrive at the LAST BOOK OF THE BIBLE! Revelations -- or, the Revelation of John -- is an apocalyptic work written by the prophet John, presumably during the reign of Domitian (81-96 CE). Influenced by Old Testament works like Daniel, Isaiah, Zechariah, and particularly Ezekiel, it encourages Christians to stay devoted to their religion in the face of persecution. And it's pretty fucking surreal.

Revelations opens with a foreward and greeting, like most of the stuff we've read lately, then dives into the thrilling story of John's vision and commission. One day he was chilling on the island of Patmos, where he was preaching Christian doctrine to the people, and Jesus appeared to him, "clothed with a long robe and with a golden sash around his chest. The hairs of his head were white, like white wool, like snow. His eyes were like a flame of fire, his feet were like burnished bronze, refined in a furnace, and his voice was like the roar of many waters" (Revelations 1:13-15). That is such a badass description I don't even know what to say. Like any respectable Christian soldier, John collapses upon having the vision, but Jesus tells him to stop being a pussy and to write down everything he says, because it's important, gosh darnit!

The next two chapters contain seven letters to seven different churches, all of whom receive specific praises and admonishment. If I wasn't lazy, and thought it might interest you, I would explain this in more detail, but unfortunately I'm way too DGAF for such matters. Chapter 4 contains John's vision of heaven, where he sees God chilling on a giant throne surrounded by twenty-four elders and weird winged monsters, who "unceasingly... sing, 'Holy, holy, holy is God the sovereign Lord of all, who was, and is, and is to come!" (Revelations 4:8). They do this ALL DAY? Doesn't that get annoying?!

Anyway, John sees a scroll sitting next to God, and the angels start to debate who is worthy to open it. They can't think of anyone, and John starts to cry, but then one of the elders tells him to shut up because look who's coming! John wipes his tears away and sees a Zombie Lamb with seven horns and seven eyes take the scroll. All the elders bow down to him and sing a song about how great he is.

God, this is weird! This is even weirder than the scene in Tommy when his mom throws a champagne bottle at the TV and baked beans start pouring out. Anyway, what will the scroll contain? No one knows! Come back tomorrow for the final entry to find out.

Day 88, Hebrews 9-13, James, 1 Peter

God, I am the worst person. I was so determined to wake up early and study for finals, so of course I've spent all day eating peanut butter out of the jar. I also have this really weird but good unpasteurized honey. What does it mean for something to be unpasteurized? I hope that doesn't mean I'm going to get Mad Cow Disease or something.

Doesn't it seem like this sort of thing happens A LOT?

I tell myself that reading the bible counts as being productive but it totally doesn't. Ugh.

ANYWAY, we left off in the middle of Hebrews, so let's wrap that up. The author keeps going on about the whole "Jesus as high priest" idea, explaining in chapter 9 that -- contrary to my earlier beliefs -- Zombie Jesus will not be relegated to the temple, destined to spend his days sacrificing goats and rams. Rather, he sacrificed himself, which I guess nullifies the animal sacrifices that all those wacky Jews were still making all the time. "For if the blood of goats and bulls," the author writes, "sanctify for the purification of the flesh, how much more will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without blemish to God, purify our conscience from dead works to serve the living God" (Hebrews 9:13-14).

On a semi-related note, I've been listening to Harry Potter on my ipod and I'm almost done... Voldemort just killed him in the Forbidden Forest, which got me thinking, it's the same freakin' story! Whenever these apostles talk about Jesus's sacrifice I envision a noseless Pontius Pilate grabbing Jesus's face and going, "Ah... The Boy Who Lived... come to die..."

Do you do this too? Well you should!!

Anyway, the author of Hebrews also talks a bit about the role of faith in Christian theology. In chapter 11, he (OR SHE!!! OR "ZIE" IN CASE THIS BIBLICAL AUTHOR HAPPENS TO HAVE BEEN TRANSGENDERED!! I AM VERY POLITICALLY CORRECT!!) cites countless instances from the Old Testament where the characters acted out of faith, arguing that this was the most important virtue in the stories.

Next up we have the letter OF James (not to James), traditionally ascribed to none other than Jesus's little brother! If it is actually written by him, we can presume it was penned circa 60 CE, although if not, it's a bit harder to date. Some scholars believe that this was originally a Jewish text that was Christianized later on. In his letter, James concerns himself with errant sinners, urging them to BEHAVE THEMSELVES.

James's four central concerns are partiality, the need for works along with faith, the danger of loose talk, and the sins of the rich. If I didn't know better, I might say that James was a dirty, stinkin' red! In chapter 2 he urges his readers to "show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ" (James 2:1), explaining that if they encounter a rich man and a poor man, they should not treat the rich man preferably. But, damnit James, I hate poor people! They stink, they're lazy, and they just want to sit on their asses and exploit us hard-working rich folk. Am I right? Of course I'm right.

James would disagree with my mom-and-apple-pie-bleedin'-red-white-and-blue attitude, however, saying, "Come now, you rich, weep and howl for the miseries that are coming upon you... You have fattened your hearts in a day of slaughter. You have condemned and murdered the righteous person" (James 5:1-6).

That's capitalism, baby! Get with the program! AMERICA!!! LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT!!!

James gives assorted other warnings, such as not to be arrogant and -- perhaps most interestingly -- not to proclaim faith if you're not willing to do good deeds to back it up: "If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Go in peace, be warmed and filled,' without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?" (James 3:15-16).

If this kind of thing interests you, make sure you read it all now, because we're about to blacklist this guy and have him deported.

To wrap things up, James also explains that PRAYER is the answer to all problems! And if it doesn't work, it just means that YOU'RE NOT PRAYING HARD ENOUGH!

Good to know!

Last but not least is the first epistle of Peter, purportedly written by ol' Rock-head himself. If this is the case, it was probably penned circa 64 CE, and reflects the religious climate under Emperor Nero's reign, when he persecuted Christians. It might have also been written by an anonymous Christian author during the reign of Domitian (81-96 CE) or Trajan (98-117 CE). It bids that good Christians remain obedient, steadfast in their faith, and submit to suffering, because it's all going to be AWESOME later on! Don't you worry your pretty little head.

Okay. That's enough for today. I'm going to ACTUALLY STUDY NOW, and by actually study I mean bake zucchini bread.

Day 87, 1 & 2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon, Hebrews 1-8

We've got FIVE BOOKS to discuss today. FIVE of 'em! Gee whiz. Let's get crackin'.

The epistles to Timothy and Titus are grouped together as the "Pastoral Epistles" because they address "pastoral oversight" of the church. There is also some controversy as to whether or not Paul really wrote them, since they differ stylistically from his other, authenticated letters, and the timeline he provides does not correspond with the one in Acts. Because of this, they are a little hard to date, but scholars generally agree that if he did write them, it was probably towards the end of his ministry (circa 62-67 CE) and if he didn't, they were written at some point between the late 1st century and the early 2nd century. Sounds good to me!

Timothy, as you may remember from Acts, is one of Paul's close pals, and the content of this letter mostly centers around how the church should be run. This, of course, suggests that Timothy has some sort of formal institution up and running. Good for him!

Paul explains how a person might become a "bishop" or deacon in the church, and provides advice on how different groups of people should behave: young men, old men, children, young women, and widows. For the most part, he preaches the standard virtues of self-control, temperance, and charity, although I was amused by his discussion of widows. "No widow," he writes, "may be put on the list of widows unless she is over sixty, has been faithful to her husband, and is well known for her good deeds" (1 Timothy 5:9). There's a list?! What is this, a club? Paul goes onto explain that young widows cannot be added to the list because within time "their sensual desires [will] overcome their dedication to Christ [and] they [will] want to marry" (1 Timothy 5:9).

SLUTS!

We also get some nice lines about how slaves should be obedient to their masters -- sorry, Uncle Tom -- and that's that!

The second epistle to Timothy is all about being a good little Christian soldier, espousing virtues of timidity, obedience, and willingness to suffer. Paul seems to know that he will eventually be executed for his shenanigans and bids that his friend "join with [him] in suffering, like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets entangled in civilian affairs, but rather tries to please his commanding officer" (2 Timothy 2:3-4). Aaaw. How SWEET.

The last of the Pastoral Epistles is addressed to Titus, another one of Paul's friends who lived on the island of Crete; this is, in fact, some of the earliest evidence we have suggesting that a Christian community existed there. In his letter to Titus, Paul describes the duties of elders and bishops within the church, stressing the importance of living a disciplined life.

Paul's letter to Philemon, written when he was imprisoned in Rome circa 61-63 CE, concerns the apostle's runaway slave Onesimus. Although the penalties for escaped slaves were severe, Paul requests that Onesimus be treated kindly since, as a convert to Christianity, his relationship to his master has changed. Okay.

Last but not least we have a letter to HEBREWS, which is actually not much of a letter; my study bible describes it as a "sermonic tract." We know little about the author of Hebrews, and earliest evidence of its use comes from the end of the first century in Rome.

The letter/sermon/book starts off by talking about Jesus's superiority to angels, emphasizing that because he is human and divine, his followers should be able to relate to him: "For this reason," the author writes, "he had to be made like them, fully human in every way... because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted" (Hebrews 2:17-18).

After this, we find out that on top of being superior to angels, Jesus is also superior to MOSES, who was a servant to God whereas Jesus is a son. Well, that makes sense, I guess.

Chapter 4 reminds us to rest on the Sabbath, and also establishes Jesus as the new eternal high priest, usurping the role from the Levite tribe. Can zombies sacrifice goats? It seems like sort of a banal task to get stuck with, I would expect Jesus has lots more important stuff to do!

The author goes on to draw parallels between Jesus and some other "eternal" high priest named Melchizedek, who was a contemporary of Abraham and the king of Salem. Why haven't I ever heard of this guy?! Anyway, he was supposedly "without father or mother, without genealogy, without beginning of days or end of life" (Hebrews 7:2), which made him more awesome and powerful than the boring old mortal Levite priests. Jesus, the author explains, is just like Melchizedek in this sense.

Chapter 8 talks about the new covenant -- or testament -- that the Christians will make with God, since the "first one [is now] obsolete; and what is obsolete and outdated will soon disappear" (Hebrews 8:13). The best part of this chapter was this line -- "This is why Moses was warned when he was about to build the tabernacle" (Hebrews 8:5) -- because I misread it as "This is why Moses was warned when he was about to build the snowman."

I don't even know how that happened! There are no snowmen in the Middle East! Only Sandmen!

On that note, I'm going to get some freaking tea, because I swore to myself I wouldn't have any tea until I finished writing this entry and I WANT IT REALLY BAD!!!!!

Day 86, Philippians, Colossians, 1 & 2 Thessalonians

Sometimes I wonder if I am really doing such a good job with these bible readings. It's obvious that my initial enthusiasm has progressively waned, but lately I feel like I'm just skimming, uninterested, perking up from my stupor only when I see a reference to sex or violence.

In fairness, Paul's letters are all the freakin' same. I sense that there are things I could be focusing on -- like, for instance, what these letters suggest about Paul's character, or how exactly his proselytizing was perceived by his hosts -- but at this point I am too exhausted to care very much. I might liken this experience to my first time reading The Sound and the Fury; yeah, I got that Caddy smelled like trees, and I got that Quentin had some serious issues with someone named Dalton Ames, but it took a few reads before the depth and scope of the work finally sunk in. Perhaps it is the same with the bible.

Was referencing Faulkner really fucking pretentious? I will use a different metaphor: it was sort of like listening to Rock and Roll All Nite by KISS for the first time. Sure, I knew that Gene wanted to rock and roll all night, but did he want to party every day, or PART OF every day? It took a few listens before the depth and scope of the work finally sunk in.

Anyway, we've got four letters from our dear friend Paul, so let's not waste any more time! First up is the letter to the Philippians, a Macedonian community of whom Paul was very fond. It was probably composed at around 56 CE and contains pretty standard Pauline doctrine. Of the Gentiles, Paul sneers, "Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things" (Philippians 3:19). He urges the people to be humble and generally mild-mannered and God-fearing, as per usual.

Next is Paul's letter to the Colossians, which may or may not have been actually written by Paul. It dates to around 62 CE and deals thematically with the preeminence of Christ over other deities. Paul warns of false prophets, saying, "Let no one disqualify you, insisting on asceticism and worship of angels, going on in detail about visions, puffed up and without reason by his sensuous mind" (Colossians 2:18). He talks about other stuff too. It's all very fascinating, as I'm sure you can imagine.

1 Thessalonians was written during Paul's second missionary journey; dating back to around 51 CE, we can deduce that this was possibly Paul's first epistle. Here he talks about the future coming of Christ -- referred to as the "Parousia" in my study bible, what a neat word!! Spellcheck wants to change it to "oviparous," a word that refers to egg-laying animals such as platypuses and chickens.

Anyway, Paul tells us that "the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night... So then let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober" (1 Thessalonians 5:2-6). Staying up all night and being sober, it'll be just like my slumber party birthday in first grade... except it'll go on FOREVER! I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED!!

2 Thessalonians continues on a similar note, talking about judgment day: "[Nonbelievers] will suffer the punishment of eternal destruction, away from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his might," the author writes (2 Thessalonians 1:9). Tough cookies!

The authenticity of 2 Thessalonians is apparently disputed, on the grounds that Paul's opinion on when Judgment Day is coming differs between the two works. Whereas in the first letter he seemed convinced that it was quickly approaching, telling us to NEVER SLEEP AGAIN, here he speaks against this idea: "[Do] not be quickly shaken in mind or alarmed, either by a spirit or a spoken word, or a letter seeming to be from us, to the effect that the day of the Lord has come" (2 Thessalonians 2:2).

It is of course possible that Paul just changed his mind between the letters. Maybe he decided that NOT SLEEPING FOREVER was a little too difficult and decided to alter his approach to these matters!

That's it for today. TL;DR (that's, "Too Long, Didn't Read" for you non-internet dorks), I will provide a condensed version of Paul's letters.

Paul's Letters: The Condensed Version

HAHAHA I'M PAUL!!! I USED TO BE A PHARISAIC JERK BUT I CHANGED MY NAME AND NOW I LOVE JESUS! YOU SHOULD LOVE JESUS TOO! CLICK THIS BOX IF YOU WANT TO JOIN OUR MAILING LIST!

CHRISTIANS 4EVER WOO HOO!!!

Day 85, 2 Corinthians 9-13, Galatians, Ephesians

Lots of ground to cover today. Well, not really lots of ground since all Paul does is repeat the same crap over and over again, but three books! I always feel really productive when I can put three tags on my entries.

2 Corinthians changes rather abruptly in tone after chapter 9, leading some scholars to suggest that chapters 10 through 13 weren't part of the original letter. Paul goes from being friendly and happy to reproachful, defending his apostleship and bragging about how GREAT he is: "I must go on boasting," he writes, "...though there is nothing to be gained by it" (2 Corinthians 12:1). He compares himself favorably to other disciples, saying, "Are they Hebrews? So am I. Are they Israelites? So am I. Are they offspring of Abraham? So am I. Are they servants of Christ? I am a better one" (2 Corinthians 11:22-23). Well, okay Paul. We'll take your word for it.

Paul's letter to the Galatians, which was presumably written around the same time as his letter to the Romans, addresses the question of Jewish law and whether or not Christians should follow it. For the most part, Paul doesn't think so.

Although I made this letter substantially more entertaining by reading it out loud to myself in a funny voice, it's not all that interesting. Paul opens it by reminding us of his thrilling personal history -- first a persecutor of the church, then the church's greatest pal -- remarking that, "If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ" (Galatians 1:10). In other words, "HATERS GONNA HATE!"

In chapter 2 he discusses circumcision, a rite that he regards as unnecessary. He mentions an encounter with Peter in Jerusalem -- Peter has been charged with converting Jews, while Paul occupies himself with Gentiles -- and comments on the hypocrisy of the Jewish Christians, whose "conduct [is] not in step with the truth of the gospel." Paul says to Peter, "If you, though a Jew, live like a Gentile and not like a Jew, how can you force the Gentiles to live like Jews?" (Galatians 2:14).

His big, overarching point is that Jesus frees people from the restraints of Jewish law: "Before faith came, we were held captive under the law... but now that faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian, for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith" (Galatians 3:23-25). Hey, I'm down with this. It's like Judaism for Dummies! I didn't want to learn 613 commandments anyway!

The third and final book from today's reading, the Letter of Paul to the Ephesians, was actually probably not written by Paul. Most scholars attribute it to one of his own "disciples" and date it to around 100 CE. Thematically, it deals with the unity of Jews and Gentiles through Christ: "Through [Jesus] we both have access in one Spirit to the Father," the author writes (Ephesians 2:18). We get more warnings about drinking too much and being too weird in the bedroom, more enlightened views on women ("Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22)), and a few lines about how children should obey their parents and slaves should obey their masters.

Obedience! Do it! It's a freakin' virtue! And remember,

Day 84, 1 Corinthians 10-16, 2 Corinthians 1-8

I think pretty soon the bible and I are going to need to sit down and have a talk. "It's not you," I'll say to the  bible. "It's me. I'm sorry, baby, but this just isn't fun anymore."

Whereas in my early days of bible blogging I was youthful and enthusiastic, absorbing verses at the speed of light and delighting in any reference to sexual deviance or weird violence, now I feel that I'm just going through the motions. The joy is gone. It takes me twice as long to read these passages because I get distracted doing dumb stuff, like looking at pictures of puppies and kittens together.

OMG!!!!

Anyway, Corinthians... Corinthians...  Right.

In chapter 10, Paul talks about how you shouldn't pray to idols. WOW, THAT'S REALLY FUCKING ORIGINAL, PAUL! I DON'T THINK I'VE HEARD THAT ONCE IN THE ENTIRE BIBLE! THANKS FOR CLUING ME IN... ASSHOLE!!!!!!

After that enlightening interlude, we get more stuff about the subordination of women. The passage in question is kind of weird, which is always a good thing: "I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband and the head of Christ is God. Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head, but every wife who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head, since it is the same as if her head were shaven" (1 Corinthians 10:3-4). So basically, men should never wear hats, and women should always wear hats. He also goes on to say that men should keep their hair short and women should keep their hair long.

But... I was gonna flow it, show it, long as God can grow it, my haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaair!!!!! Oh well.

Paul also explains the Eucharist here, which is old hat for us contemporary bible scholars, but chronologically this is actually the first surviving reference to the ritual. His version of the rite is more reminiscent of Luke's version, not that any synoptic tradition about the Last Supper is particularly deviant.

Paul goes on to talk about spiritual gifts, emphasizing that all otherworldly powers are given by God, and then in chapter 13 we get a nice little sermon on LOVE that is so pleasant it actually made me sort of like reading the bible again, for about ten seconds. You know it: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude... Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). I'm sure you've heard some of this before, and if you haven't, it's short so read it yourself! It'll be worth it!

After that sweet little passage, Paul goes back to being boring as fuck and talks about how to prophesy is better than to speak in tongues, since everyone can understand prophecy but no one is going to know what you're saying about if you're speaking in tongues. He also re-expresses his enlightened view of women by saying, "the woman should keep silent in the churches... for they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission" (1 Corinthians 14:34). Well. You're a regular Susan B. Anthony, aren't you, Paul?!!

In chapter 15, Paul addresses a troubling logical gap in his ministry's teaching: "If there is no resurrection of the dead," he says, "then not even Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain" (1 Corinthians 15:13-14). Ooh. That's a tough one! Paul remedies the situation by explaining that OBVIOUSLY resurrection is real because Jesus rose from the dead and so how can you not believe in it? Wait a minute... What'd he do there?

My doubts are sure assuaged!!!

Paul also totally rips of J.K. Rowling, telling the Corinthians that "The last enemy to be destroyed is death" (1 Corinthians 15:26). As you may remember, this was inscribed on the grave of Lily and James Potter in Godric's Hollow.

After ALL THIS FUN, Paul bids farewell to his Greek friends and the letter ends! Time for letter #2!

So, a bit of background. From what I can gather, Paul wrote his first letter from Ephesus, a Turkish city, after visiting Corinth for the first time. He goes back to visit again and has a not-so-pleasant trip; there was a baby crying next to him on the airplane, he got food poisoning at a Corinthian deli, and a homeless man spit on his shoes. It was just a real disappointment. Anyway, after that he wrote a pretty pissed off letter to the Corinthian people, which has since been lost. And since time heals all wounds, Paul eventually penned 2 Corinthians, expressing his desire to return to the city for a third visit.

Probably because I'm bored to death of reading the bible, I didn't find a lot of interesting material in 2 Corinthians. Paul is basically reiterating stuff he's already said, defending his own actions as an apostle, and at the same time reassuring the Corinthians that he still thinks they're nice. Big themes are -- once again -- the separation of the spirit from the body, and the importance of faith.

One passage I particularly enjoyed was in chapter 7; Paul seems mildly apologetic about his earlier anger, but justifies his actions by saying "even if I made you grieve with my letter, I do not regret it... I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting" (2 Corinthians 7:8-9).

Is this the origin of Catholic guilt?!

Gee whiz! Well, more tomorrow. We've got another week of this. Hot dog.

Day 83, Romans 10-16, 1 Corinthians 1-9

Wow. Lately it's been like pulling teeth getting myself to sit down and read the stinkin' bible. Seven more days! I love you, bible, but it's been going on a long time. I think I am ready for this relationship to end.

Paul's letter to the Romans doesn't provide us with anything too scandalous or different from yesterday; he tells people not to concern themselves with judging others, to believe in God/Jesus, etc, etc. He emphasizes that God is not abandoning the Jews by allowing Gentiles into the church, but that they are "cut from what is by nature a wild olive tree, and grafted, contrary to nature, into a cultivated olive tree" (Romans 11:24). Sounds good. I can get on board with this.

Chapter 12 contains a very nice little verse, reminiscent of the Beatitudes and ending with the line, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21). That's so nice! Why can't the whole bible be like that?

Whatever good will I was feeling towards Paul after chapter 12 evaporated in chapter 13, when he tells his readers to submit to authority, because human authority figures represent divine authority figures... or something... "One must be in subjection," he writes, "not only to avoid God's wrath but also for the sake of conscience" (Romans 13:5). This chapter ends with a teaser of things to come; Paul bids that we "walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy" (Romans 13:13).

There'll be a lot more where that came from in Corinthians!

He wraps up Romans by telling his readers to respect their friends' opinions, and to not "make another stumble" (Romans 14:20). Then he bids that his reader say hello to ALL HIS FRIENDS IN ROME, who he lists by name and occupation, and says sayonara!

Paul's letter to the Corinthians provides us with one of our earliest depictions of the Christian church; here we get our first glimpse at the Eucharist, the resurrection, and assorted other fun teachings from that motley crew of apostles. Let's dive right in!

In chapter 1, Paul makes an interesting cultural distinction between Jews and Greeks: "For Jews demand signs," he writes, "and Greeks seek wisdom...but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, [we preach] Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God" (1 Corinthians 1:22-24). In other words, Jesus is fun for the whole family!

Paul talks about his role in the Christian tradition, explaining that "though you have countless guides in Christ, you do not have many fathers" (1 Corinthians 4:15). He considers himself to be the "father" of the church and bids that the people obey him as children. He also emphasizes that he has little significance as an individual because although he "planted... only God... gives the growth" (1 Corinthians 3:6-7).

Another big theme here is the separation of the physical world and the spiritual world. Paul makes his point by warning against assorted impurities of the flesh, particularly SEXUAL DEVIANCE. Oh yes, this is pretty fun. Although he just got through telling us that we're not supposed to judge each other, he changes tact and says that any kind of sexual immorality should not be tolerated, and perverts should not be associated with! In fact, they should be "deliver[ed]... to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord" (1 Corinthians 5:5). Geez Louise.

Transgressors who will be subject to this treatment, by the way, include "the sexually immoral... idolaters... adulterers... men who practice homosexuality... thieves... the greedy... drunkards... revilers... [and] swindlers" (1 Corinthians 6:9). I think this is the second time in both Testaments that homosexuality has been explicitly labeled as a sin, if you Westboro Baptist Church members out in the audience want to jot down some notes for when you make your next set of signs.

Paul explains that just as a man and a prostitute "[become] one body" (1 Corinthians 6:16), a pious man can be joined to God as one spirit. That's kind of a neat (and weird) metaphor, I guess.

If you think this is fun now, just wait. It gets even better! Paul explains that because men are so feeble and lacking in self control, if they must succumb to base instincts, they are permitted to take wives: "Do not deprive one another," he writes, "except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come back together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control" (1 Corinthians 7:5). Paul forbids divorce, and mentions that in general it's better not to get married at all. He seems convinced that the "end of days" is approaching, noting that "the present form of this world is passing away" (1 Corinthians 7:31) and it is therefore pointless to get married when so little time remains.

Some other points, before I sign off: Paul tells people not to get circumcised if they aren't already, and rather to "remain in the condition in which [they were] called [to Jesus]" (1 Corinthians 7:20). He also says that if you are married to a nonbeliever, your belief "saves" them, and your children are "holy." It's sort of like how if a wizard or witch marries a muggle, their kids can still go to Hogwarts!

That's it for today. I'm bored and we've covered pretty much everything of interest.

ONE WEEK LEFT OF THIS!!! STAY GOLD PONYBOY!!

Day 82, Acts 25-28, Romans 1-9

I totally put off doing this all day, but luckily it turned out to be pretty interesting! I kind of like this Paul guy. He's an interesting character.

When we left him last time, he had been imprisoned in Jerusalem and blown off by the governor, Felix. In chapter 25 he is tried by the new governor, Festus, as well as Herod the Great's (somewhat distant) successor, Agrippa II. He tells his cute little life story to the authority figures, and although Festus at first accuses him of being insane, he is pretty darn persuasive and seems to win their favor. During the trial, he expresses his fervor for his work, saying, "I would to God that not only you but also all who hear me this day might become such as I am -- except for these chains" (Acts 26:29).

As a Roman citizen, Paul is entitled to a trial in Rome, so he sets off in a boat for Italy. The trip is not without incident, and eventually the gang is caught in a storm and shipwrecked. They wash up on the island of Malta, where Paul heals a man named Publius and is revered as a god.

Upon arriving in Rome, the authorities announce that they have received no letters about Paul, but have nonetheless heard rumors of his weird ways and want to know what he's all about. He preaches to the Romans, converting some, then is put under house arrest for two years to await his trial. We never do find out what happens to him! Some scholars say he died in Rome, while others say he evaded conviction and moved to Spain.

Romans, or more specifically, The Letter of Paul to the Romans, is a work dating back to some time between 48-58 CE. It is -- as the title suggests -- a letter that Paul wrote to the Roman people explaining his theology, and it's pretty darn interesting! The big theme here is, once again, that God is impartial in his love and will embrace Gentiles just as he will Jews. Paul also emphasizes the role of faith over law.

The letter opens with a classically Greek introduction and "thanksgiving" or prayer for the reader's well-being, followed by Paul's thesis: that "it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek" (Romans 1:16). He talks about how many people, regardless of whether or not they are familiar with the Law, are not sufficiently pious, and that God will judge everyone equally. He also emphasizes that it's GOD'S JOB to do the judging, NOT YOURS!! "For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself," Paul writes, "because you, the judge, practice the very same things... Do you suppose, O man... that you will escape the judgment of God?" (Romans 2:1-3)

Obviously, the exception to this rule is if you're doing this:

Paul also takes a pretty unorthodox view on circumcision, explaining that "circumcision is indeed of value if you obey the law, but if you break the law, your circumcision becomes uncircumcision" (Romans 2:25). In Paul's opinion, the physical rite has no bearing on the state of a person's spirit.

Paul goes on to talk about how all people are sinners -- because "through the law comes knowledge of sin" (Romans 3:20) -- but that God has provided people with the gift of redemption through Jesus. He is careful to emphasize that this does not nullify the law, it just means that faith in Jesus is more important.

To illustrate the importance of faith in biblical history, Paul turns to the story of Abraham. He argues that Abraham's act of supreme faith -- his willingness to sacrifice Isaac -- suggests that "the promise to Abraham and his offspring that he would be heir of the world did not come through the law but through the righteousness of faith" (Romans 4:13). Pretty interesting, huh?

Paul then says that people should embrace their suffering and believe that God cares for them. Yeah, tell it to Job, Paul! He makes another biblical allusion, explaining that just as Adam's first sin "led to condemnation for all men" (Romans 5:18), Jesus's sacrifice led to eternal life. Christ, he explains, "died to sin...[but] lives to God" (Romans 6:10). Well, okay. Whatever you say, Paul.

I think what this means -- and I might be wrong -- is that the law is no longer wholly applicable to believers? Paul uses a metaphor of a married woman, saying that if she should sleep with another man while her husband is alive, she will be an adulteress, but if he dies she is freed from the rules of marriage. Likewise, Christ's death freed his followers from the restrictions of the Torah? I dunno man! This is pretty wild!

Today's reading wraps up with Paul contrasting the body with the spirit, saying that "the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God," whereas if one lives by the "Spirit" they will "put to death the deeds of the body... [and] live" (Romans 8:7-10). He alludes to the historic lawlessness of the Jews -- which we know well was a reoccurring theme in the Old Testament -- and uses it to justify his claims: "Israel who pursued a law that would lead to righteousness did not succeed in reaching that law. Why? Because they did not pursue it by faith" (Romans 9:31-32).

Gee whiz! More of this tomorrow, and we'll also embark on 1 Corinthians. We are seriously in the stretch drive here!