Day 81, Acts 15-24

The biblical fun continues! Unfortunately, Acts is not anywhere near as exciting as the Gospels, and basically just entails Paul and his pals traveling all over the place on motorcycles, wearing leather jackets and looking for America. In the end, they all watch the sunset and think about old Dean Moriarty, the father they never found. Just kidding! They're actually traveling all around the Mediterranean to spread the word of CHRIST. That's almost as cool, right?

To give you an idea of all the crazy places they go, here's a map:

 

Pretty extensive, huh? I didn't pay a lot of attention to the specific locations, since most of them have old names and are unrecognizable, but everything basically turns out the same wherever he goes. Paul has reasonable success at converting people, particularly Gentiles, and causes some controversy with the local Jewry and other leaders. 

Our tale starts out on a sad note, however. As you may recall, throughout the beginning of Acts, Paul had been accompanied by his pal Barnabas. One day Barnabas decides that the dynamic duo isn't GOOD ENOUGH for him and tells Paul he wants to bring along Mark too. Paul totally doesn't want to do this, and they are ultimately unable to reconcile their differences. They part ways, Barnabas going with Mark and Paul rebounding with Silas. 

Lovesick, heartbroken, and estranged, Paul continues on his mission. Okay, he's actually not lovesick, heartbroken, or estranged. I just made that up to add dramatic tension. Anyway, he and Silas encounter a pious fellow named Timothy and ask him to join them, and soon after Paul is called to Macedonia in a dream. They arrive on the islands and convert a woman named Lydia, then encounter an annoying slave girl who can perform divination. She follows them around for days, "crying out, 'These men are servants of the Most High God, who proclaim to you the way of salvation'" (Acts 16:17), which annoys Paul so much that finally he turns and exorcises a demon from her, making it so she can't perform magic anymore. Her owners -- who had exploited her talent for money -- are super pissed and rally the townspeople against Paul and company.

The trio get put in jail, but soon after there is an earthquake and the doors open. The guard thinks the prisoners have escaped and tries to kill himself, but Paul stops him and converts him to Christianity. God, this is a weird fucking story!

After the incident in Macedonia, Paul goes to Athens, where he is the subject of much intrigue among the philosophers. He makes a big ol' speech and converts a bunch of Athenians, then heads off to Corinth, where he stays for a year and a half.

Since Paul is so freaking devout and an instrument of God and all that, he can perform miracles like Jesus, but when others try to imitate him -- performing exorcisms "by the Jesus whom Paul proclaims" (Acts 19:13) -- it doesn't work. In fact, it works so poorly that instead of being exorcised, the evil spirits "[leap] on them, [master] all of them and [overpower] them, so that they [flee] out of the house naked and wounded" (Acts 19:16).

Well that sucks!

A rather funny incident happens in chapter 20, when Paul is preaching. A young man named Eutychus grows bored and falls asleep next to a window, which he then FALLS OUT OF AND DIES. Paul resurrects him, like a boss.

After this, Paul makes a nice farewell speech and keeps on keepin' on, returning to Jerusalem to visit his old pal James. Didn't James die? Maybe it's another James. Anyway, while he's there he gets arrested, and the people want to beat the shit out of him, but he reveals that he is a Roman citizen. You're totally not allowed to beat the shit out of a Roman citizen, so they let it go. Paul also makes a speech to the crowd, telling the story of his conversion to Christianity and then cleverly turning the masses against each other. He notices that the crowd is comprised of a mixture of Pharisees and Sadducees, and professes that "I am a Pharisee... It is with respect to the hope and the resurrection of the dead that I am on trial" (Acts 23:6).

The Pharisees and Sadducees are in constant debate about whether or not resurrection is real, so they start bitching at each other instead of focusing on Paul, who is led back to the barracks.

The calm does not last long, however, because a plot to kill Paul emerges among the Jewish leadership. His nephew overhears it and clues him in, and Paul is sent to the governor, Felix. Felix seems to be a nice enough guy, but he sort of blows Paul off and our hero is left in jail to rot!

What will happen next? Will Paul escape prison, or be executed? Will he make up with Barnabas and buy a house in the suburbs, or will his new flame Silas capture his heart? Stay tuned and find out!

Day 80, Acts 6-14

Today's reading wasn't the most exciting, but it wasn't bad and it went pretty quick. Jesus's disciples continue their proselytizing, choosing seven men to do... some kind of function on behalf of the church (I seriously can't figure out what it is! Sorry!). One of these guys is named Stephen, and almost immediately he upsets the Jewish authorities and is arrested. Once imprisoned, he makes a long speech summarizing all the events of the Old Testament, accusing the priests of being "stiff-necked people, uncircumcised in heart and ears [who] always resist the Holy Spirit" (Acts 7:51). Not altogether pleased with this accusation, the Jews stone him to death, making him the first Christian martyr... Unless you count Jesus, I guess!

The disciples continue their mission, traveling as far as Samaria and Ethiopia to perform baptisms, but are constantly butting heads with a guy named Saul, who freaking hates their movement. However, one day when Saul is traveling to Damascus -- on the hunt for Christians who he can imprison in Jerusalem -- he hears Jesus's voice telling him to CUT THE CRAP! Saul subsequently goes blind and fasts for three days.

Meanwhile, a fellow named Ananias gets a message from Jesus or God or someone to "rise and go to the street called Straight, and at the house of Judas look for a man of Tarsus named Saul" (Acts 9:11). At first, Ananias is like, "No way, he's a jerk!" but Jesus/God/Zeus/who knows?! explains that Saul is "a chosen instrument... to carry [God's] name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel" (Acts 9:15). Ananias consents, Saul regains his sight, and immediately starts preaching about how cool Jesus is.

When the Jewish leaders get wind of this, they are understandably pretty pissed, and plot to have Saul killed. He overhears their plans and manages to escape in the middle of the night, a la King David way back in... 2 Samuel, was it? It's pretty funny that he escapes in this manner, since David was escaping from King Saul, and this guy is Saul of Tarsus. Is that a coincidence? Who the hell knows!

Meanwhile, Peter keeps on doing his thing, healing a crippled man and raising a woman named Tabitha from the dead.

In chapter 10, a guy named Cornelius is told to find Peter. While he is on his way, Peter has a strange vision where God tells him to "kill and eat" (Acts 10:13). Peter objects, saying that he has never eaten anything unclean, but God tells him to SHUT UP AND DO IT, because "what God has made clean, do not call common" (Acts 10:15).

The big message of this chapter -- and much of the book, it seems -- is that God shows no partiality. Anyone can be a Christian, whether they were born a Jew or a Gentile.

Not everyone is willing to embrace this concept, however, and when Peter goes back to Jerusalem a group called "the circumcision party" (Acts 11:2) chastise him for eating with non-Jews. The circumcision party! Wow. If I ever start a punk rock band, that's what we'll be called. Anyway, Peter doesn't really care about what they say and goes to Antioch, where a number of Gentiles join the church and start using the name Christians for the first time.

Not all is fine and dandy in the ancient Near East, however; in chapter 12, James is killed and Peter is arrested. Luckily, an angel helps him escape jail, but the same cannot be said for his pal. We'll miss you, James!

...Who the hell were you, anyway?

Herod also meets his grisly end in chapter 12, when "an angel of the Lord [strikes] him down, because he did not give God the glory, and he [is] eaten by worms and [breathes] his last" (Acts 12:23).

It should also be noted that everyone important in Jesus's ministry gets a SUPER COOL nickname! I'm not sure why, but it's fun. They're kind of like a 1980s rock band in that way. Peter, as you may remember, is actually named Simon; John goes by Mark; Simeon goes by NIGER; and Saul will eventually change his name to Paul, although he considered Spyder for awhile.

The whole gang keeps preaching and converting, scornfully informing the Jewish leaders that "since you thrust [the word of God] aside and judge yourselves unworthy of eternal life, behold, we are turning to the Gentiles" (Acts 13:46). They travel all over the Near East and Mediterranean, where they are generally pretty popular -- a crowd from Lystra refer to Paul and Barnabas as Hermes and Zeus respectively -- but they also narrowly escape danger, like when the same crowd attempts to stone them to death. But our disciple friends are made of tough stuff, and keep on keeping on!

More of this wildness tomorrow. See you then!

Day 79, John 16-21, Acts 1-5

Today we finish John and begin Acts, which is short for Acts of the Apostles. I've gotta say, I miss Jesus already. Once he died, it seems like the whole thing just got sort of cult-like and weird.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves! We've still got five chapters of John to discuss. Yesterday, we left our messianic pal in the middle of the Last Supper. The meal continues, with Jesus talking to the apostles about his upcoming resurrection: "Truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to joy" (John 16:20). Well, that's good to know, because this whole thing has me a little bummed out.

In chapter 17 Jesus prays to God to guide the apostles after he dies, and then in chapter 18 we have the BETRAYAL. It plays out a little differently in John; Judas doesn't kiss Jesus to identify him, but instead just leads the authorities to where he is. Jesus approaches them and asks who they're looking for, and when they answer that they're looking for him, he goes with them willingly. Peter, meanwhile, doesn't take things so calmly and cuts off a soldier's ear. The soldier in question is identified as Malchus, and Jesus gets super pissed about it, asking, "Shall I not drink the cup that the Father has given me?" (John 18:11).

Get with the freakin' program, Peter!!

They bring Jesus to the high priests, Annas and Caiaphas, with whom he is super snarky. They ask what he has been teaching about and he's like, "I DUNNO, WHY DON'T YOU ASK ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WERE AT MY SERMONS?" The high priests, who don't appreciate his cheek, smack him around a little bit and then send him to Pilate.

Pilate has always been pretty DGAF (that means "don't give a fuck" for those of you who aren't quite as savvy as me) but in John it shines through especially. He really wants nothing to do with the affair and tells the priests to deal with it themselves, but they insist that he has to intervene because they don't have the authority to put anyone to death.

The Roman governor consents to question Jesus, and their conversation is pretty awesome. Pilate makes it clear that he doesn't particularly care about the ordeal, asking Jesus, "Am I a Jew? Your own nation and the chief priests have delivered you over to me. What have you done?" (John 18:25). Jesus responds that he has a kingdom, but it is "not of this world" and that he has come "to bear witness to the truth" (John 18:26-27). Pilate asks simply, "What is truth?" (John 18:28).

WHOA!! I DUNNO MAN! THIS IS PRETTY WILD!!

Overall Pilate decides that Jesus has done nothing wrong and tries to get him off the hook, but Jesus refuses to answer any questions. Pilate grows aggravated, asking Jesus if he understands that his life is in Pilate's hands. Showcasing his TREMENDOUS TACT (not really), Jesus says, "You would have no authority over me at all unless it had been given to you from above" (John 19:11). Ugh. Way to hammer that nail into the coffin, bud.

Jesus is forced to carry his own cross up to the hill where he is crucified -- I'm pretty sure that John is the only Gospel where he has to carry the cross himself. It's also the only one that mentions him wearing a crown of thorns. They nail him up and Pilate puts up a sign in multiple languages that says "Jesus of Nazareth, the King of the Jews." Some people bitch about it, saying that it should say SUPPOSED King of the Jews or something along those lines, but Pilate tells them to fuck off because "what I have written I have written" (John 19:22). In other words, "Bitch, PLEASE, you think I'm doing all that work again?"

Jesus continues to behave in a bizarre and borderline aggressive manner towards his mother up until the very end. When he sees her standing in the crowd, he yells out, "Woman, behold, your son!" (John 19:26). What kind of thing is that to say?! What does that mean? Is it like, "Look, mom, no hands!" or what?

Another note is that there is an unnamed apostle in here who is described as the "beloved disciple" or some variation of that. Some scholars think that it is John, since he is otherwise unmentioned in the book.

Jesus hangs out on the cross for awhile longer, then declares that he's thirsty. Someone passes him some wine on a stick, which I think he drinks, because he says "It is finished," and dies. After his death, some soldier stabs him, presumably just to be a jerk. Like in the synoptics, he is buried by Joseph, although this time Joseph is accompanied by a fellow named Nicodemus instead of Jesus's lady friends.

After the burial, Peter, John, and Mary Magdalene go to visit the tomb and freak out because they can't find Jesus. Mary starts to cry, at which point Jesus appears to her and asks why she is weeping. Assuming he is the GARDENER, she asks if he knows where Jesus's body is; in response he just says her name, and she realizes it's him and gets SUPER PUMPED!

Most of the apostles are equally psyched about the news, but Thomas proves to be a total douchebag about it, saying "Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe" (John 20:25). That's some faith! Luckily for Thomas, Jesus is obliging and lets him do all those things, but he adds, "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed" (John 20:29).

In fairness, maybe we should give Thomas credit for being the only rationalist of the gang. But there's been some pretty spooky stuff happening! With all things considered, maybe he should have given the benefit of the doubt where Jesus was concerned.

In the last chapter, Jesus has a weird conversation with Peter where he asks him to "feed his sheep" which I think means to take care of the church? Who knows!

Next up is Acts. Written by Luke's author, it continues the story from the Gospels, focusing on Christianity's shift from a small Jewish movement to a worldwide movement that was based in Rome and involved Gentiles. It is apparently a pretty Hellenistic tome. Like Luke's Gospel, it is addressed to Theophilus, the "lover of God."

The tale opens with Jesus's ascension into heaven, after which the apostles select a new apostle to replace Judas, named Mattias. We also get a new account of Judas's death; unlike in Matthew, where he hung himself, Luke claims that he used his thirty pieces of silver to buy a field, then tripped and fell and "burst open in the middle and all his bowels gushed out" (Acts 1:18). Geez! That's kind of gruesome, huh?

In chapter 2, the apostles are all chilling together and suddenly they start speaking in tongues. I always thought speaking in tongues meant speaking gibberish, but apparently it actually means that they literally start speaking other languages that they don't know. Pretty cool! Most of the people who witness it are super impressed, but some scoff and say that "they are filled with new wine" (Acts 2:13). Don't you love when you get drunk and start speaking ancient Greek?

After this, Peter makes a speech and converts a bunch of people, who subsequently sell all their possessions and give their money to the church. I like how Jesus's request that people give their money to the POOR somehow got transformed into giving money to the church... Huh...

Apparently Jesus left his magical powers with his disciples, because in chapter 3 John and Peter heal a crippled man, to the amazement of the people. They are subsequently arrested for preaching about Jesus, but Peter -- who has become a lot more badass since Jesus's death -- tells the authorities that they won't stop doing good deeds or preaching about Jesus. They get released, after which all the followers join together to pray for boldness in the face of adversity. I wonder if some of them also prayed for brains or hearts, or to get back to Kansas. Little did they know, they've had the power in their ruby slippers all along.

In chapter 5 the cult vibes reach a new height, when a man named Ananias secretly keeps some of his money instead of giving it all to the church. When Peter and company find out, they chastise him, saying he has "not lied to men but to God" (Acts 5:4) and he FALLS DOWN DEAD! Then the exact same thing happens to his wife. Geez. Don't mess around with this stuff! And definitely don't take any Kool Aid that these guys give you.

The apostles get arrested again, and Peter reiterates his former stance: they're not going to stop talking about Jesus. At first, the priests want to kill the disciples, but a Pharisee named Gamaliel tells them not to. He references false messiahs who incited the people, naming Theudas and Judas the Galilean, both of whom were killed. "If this plan or this undertaking is of man," he tells them, "it will fail; but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them. You might even be found opposing God!" (Acts 5:36-37). Yeah, but... the reason Theudas and Judas the Galilean failed was because the PRIESTS INTERVENED AND KILLED THEM!

YOUR ARGUMENT SUCKS, GAMALIEL!

But I guess without his shitty argument, our story would end here. And that wouldn't be very much fun!

Thank you, Gamaliel, for the eleven extra days of reading!

Day 78, John 7-15

Wow. John has definitely usurped "favorite gospel" status from Luke. It's just so intense and emotional! I WANNA CRY FOREVER!

Today's reading begins during the Feast of Tabernacles, or Sukkot. Jesus's brothers try to convince him to go to Jerusalem with them, but he blows them off because all the Jews are plotting to kill him. Then, like an asshole, he goes later by himself! Why is Jesus such a jerk to his whole family?

Once in Jerusalem, he stupidly draws attention to himself by teaching in the temple. The authorities come to arrest him, but he's like, "Nah guys, can't you do this later?" and they are so baffled by him that no one can manage to do the deed and lock him up. 

In chapter 8, the disciples bring to him a woman who has been "caught in the act of adultery" (John 8:4) and ask if they should stone her to death. Jesus doesn't respond at first, opting instead to draw pretty pictures in the sand with his fingers. Clearly unable to comprehend that he's BUSY!!!, the people keep pestering him, and like a boss Jesus says to them, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her" (John 8:7). He goes back to his doodles, and rather sheepishly, the people file out. Jesus then turns to the woman and tells her that he doesn't condemn her for what she has done.

Jesus proceeds to piss everyone off by making speeches about how he is the "light of the world" and how the "truth will set you free" and all sorts of crazy stuff like that. He says that his followers will have eternal life, which really sets everyone off: "Are you greater than our father Abraham, who died?" they demand. "And the prophets died! Who do you make yourself out to be?" (John 8:52).

In general, the people are a lot more antagonistic towards Jesus in John's gospel than in the synoptics. In chapter 9, he heals a blind man, but no one is willing to believe it. They go to the blind man's family, but fearing exile from the temple, they refuse to give a straight answer about what went down: "He will speak for himself," they say of their son, "because they feared the Jews...[who] agreed that if anyone should confess Jesus to be Christ, he was to be put out of the synagogue" (John 9:21-22). Can I just say that these parents are assholes? When the son tells the truth, HE gets kicked out of the temple instead. Way to fuck over your formerly blind son, guys!

Jesus keeps on making crazy speeches and analogies, comparing himself to a "good shepherd...[who] lays down his life for the sheep" (John 10:11). I've got to say, you'd have to be a pretty devoted shepherd to die for SHEEP, but let's just roll with the metaphor. After his speech, everyone tries to stone Jesus. Everyone is constantly trying to stone Jesus in John's Gospel.

Chapter 11 is full of action, and kicks off with Jesus receiving a message that his pal Lazarus, brother of Mary and Martha, is ill. He tells the disciples that they should all go back to Judea, to which they respond, "Rabbi, the Jews were just now seeking to stone you, and you are going there again?" (John 11:8). That's right, 'cause Jesus DOES WHAT HE WANTS!! By the time the gang arrives in Bethany, however, Lazarus has already been dead for four days. Mary and Martha come out to greet Jesus, and they all cry together, which is kind of sweet. Some of the Jews apparently think so too, remarking, "See how he loved him!" but others are more cynical, asking, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?" (John 11:36-37).

Although Jesus didn't keep Lazarus from dying, he compensates by raising him from the dead. Pretty wild stuff! Here's the obligatory T.S. Eliot reference to the event, from The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock: 

And would it have been worth it, after all,

After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,

Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,

Would it have been worth while,

To have bitten off the matter with a smile,

To have squeezed the universe into a ball

To roll it toward some overwhelming question,

To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,

Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”--

If one, settling a pillow by her head,

Should say: “That is not what I meant at all;

That is not it, at all.”

Wow!!! I freaking love T.S. Eliot!!

Anyway, after this cool little miracle, the plot to kill Jesus thickens over in Jerusalem. The priests debate among themselves about what they should do, fretting that Jesus's prominence will cause the Romans to take away their relative sovereignty over Judea. A high priest named Caiaphas declares that, "It is better for you that one man should die for the people, not that the whole nation should perish" (John 11:50) and this seems to become the adopted stance of the community leaders.

Meanwhile, back in Bethany, the apostles have dinner with Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, and Mary causes a bit of a stir by anointing Jesus with expensive oil. Here, it is Judas Iscariot who criticizes her, noting that the ointment should have been sold for the poor. However, it is noted that he does not actually care about the poor, and is in fact "a thief, and having charge of the moneybag he used to help himself to what was put into it" (John 12:6). What a jerk! Jesus responds with his creepy line about the ointment being for his burial.

Chapter 12 also contains Jesus's "triumphant" entry into Jerusalem, where the people enthusiastically welcome him, although none of them seem to have a whole lot of faith in him. His speeches generally piss people off, and they're always throwing rocks at him. Here, he discusses his messianic role with the people, declaring that, "If anyone hears my words and does not keep them, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world" (John 12:47). You hear that, everyone? Jesus doesn't want to judge us! Well, I assume it probably means he doesn't want to judge us unless we're gay, poor, liberal, or an ethnic minority. That's sort of a given, right?

Next we have the Last Supper, which is such a sad affair. Unlike in the Synoptic Gospels, Jesus does not institute the Eucharist. Instead, he puts on a loincloth and washes the feet of his disciples! At first Peter is like, "Dude, you don't have to do this," but Jesus insists, after which Peter gets really into it: "Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!" (John 13:9).

"Um... No," says Jesus.

After he finishes, Jesus explains his actions to the apostles: "If I, then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you" (John 13:14-15). God, it's so sad! Don't you think this is a sad story? I sure do!!

The betrayal seems to fuse elements from all three of the synoptic Gospels; like Luke, John attributes Judas's betrayal to demonic possession of some kind, but Jesus's response is more like Matthew: "What you are going to do," he tells his friend, "do quickly" (John 13:27).

After Judas leaves, the whole dinner turns into an adorable little love-fest. It's like freaking Woodstock! Jesus tells the apostles, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you are to love one another" (John 13:34). The apostles are both sad and confused by everything that's going on, and Thomas expresses some doubt: "Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?" (John 14:5). Jesus responds that he is "the way, and the truth, and the life" (John 14:6) and that believing in him is synonymous with believing in God.

In chapter 15, Jesus reiterates his commandment that the apostles love each other, adding that "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends... No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you" (John 15:13-15).

Doesn't it all just tear at your heartstrings? Don't you want to claw out your own eyes?

Tomorrow we finish John and start Acts of the Apostles. I actually have never ventured past the Gospels and I have no idea what's coming. Should be exciting.

And hey, less than two weeks left of this! Gee whiz!

Day 77, Luke 22-24, John 1-6

Whoa, sorry for the late freaking entry! I've been on a bit of a bender lately... Last night, for instance, I stayed out until eleven, binge drank soy milk, and baked cookies. The crazy college life... You know how it is. Anyway, I actually completely forgot to read the bible and I've been so lazy all day that it took awhile to get the entry done.

Luke ends interestingly, differing from the other synoptic gospels in a handful of ways. One example is Judas's betrayal; while Mark and Matthew suggest that Judas betrayed Jesus because he wanted money, Luke's author writes that "Satan entered into Judas" (Luke 22:3). Demonic possession! It's just like Harry Potter! Maybe Judas's sandals were a Horcrux or something.

The betrayal scene itself plays out a little differently too, with Jesus asking his pal, "Would you betray the Son of Man with a kiss?" (Luke 22:48). That line has a pretty different vibe from the whole "do what you gotta do" thing in Matthew! Makes you think, huh?

Another Lucan addition comes in the trial; after Pilate "find[s] no guilt in [Jesus]" (Luke 23:4) he sends him to Herod Antipas, the tetrarch of Galilee who happens to be in Jerusalem on vay-cay. Herod questions and mocks him, but Jesus refuses to respond, so Herod dresses him in fancy clothes and sends him back to Pilate. After this, weirdly enough, Herod and Pilate become BFFS FOR LIFE: "And Herod and Pilate became friends with each toher that very day, for before this they had been at enmity with each other" (Luke 23:12). As they say, nothing will bring two people together like hatred for a third person!

As they lead Jesus to the cross, he has a pretty cool line: "Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me, but weep for yourselves and your children" (Luke 23:27). He then alludes to all his "apocalypse is coming" bullshit, but as a stand-alone I really like the line. You can imagine he's telling them to cry for themselves because of their general brutality and inhumanity. PRETTY DEEP SHIT!!!!

In Matthew and Mark, Jesus's last words were "My God, why have you forsaken me?" but here he is a lot more cheerful, saying, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit!" (Luke 23:46). That's nice. I like the exclamation point, it adds some zest.

Luke's author finally clears the air about Joseph the disciple, too. Although he was on the Sanhedrin, it is noted that he was "a good and righteous man, who had not consented to their decision and action; and he was looking for the kingdom of God" (Luke 23:50). Aren't we all, buddy?

Chapter 24 describes Mary Magdalene's encounter with the angels at Jesus's tomb; this time she is accompanied by not only the other Mary, but a woman named Joanna as well. After they hear the good news and relate it to Jesus's other followers, we get a brief story about a man named Cleopas, who is walking with his friend and encounters Zombie Jesus. For some reason he doesn't recognize his old teacher, but the men are generally friendly to Jesus and invite him to dine with them. When they give him bread, they suddenly realize who he is, and he vanishes. Spooky!

The book ends with Jesus being reunited with the apostles, to whom he shows the holes in his hands as proof! Then he asks for food, since I would imagine being crucified would make me hungry, and they give him some bread. Zombie Jesus can apparently still eat. Then he tells them to spread the word of his resurrection and all that, and the tale is over!

The final gospel, John, is not one of the "synoptics" and stands in pretty marked contrast to Matthew, Mark, and Luke; it is generally considered to be more spiritual in nature. Although one might assume it was written by the apostle John, the author is actually unknown. The reason it is so frequently ascribed to John is because John is not mentioned within it, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but how much really does anyway? John's Gospel probably originated in Asia Minor around the end of the first century.

Like Luke, John starts off with a fancy pants prologue, where he states that, "The law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ" (John 1:17). Pretty neat way of putting it! If you glean all the best stuff out of Jesus's ministry, I think that's a good way to describe it. After the introduction, John jumps right into John the Baptist's ministry. Unlike in the other gospels, John the Baptist is not likened to Elijah; he describes himself as "the voice of one crying out in the wilderness, 'Make straight the way of the Lord,' as the prophet Isaiah said" (John 1:23).

John the Baptist recognizes Jesus immediately upon seeing him, pointing out to his disciples, "Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!" (John 1:29). He coerces Andrew and Peter to follow Jesus, and soon after they enlist two pals named Nathanael and Philip. Nathanael is at first hesitant, asking, "Can anything good come out of Nazareth?" (John 1:46). I guess Nazareth must be the Fresno of the middle east or something.

In chapter 2, Jesus goes to a wedding with his mom, who he is a total bitch to. When she mentions to him that the hosts have run out of wine, he rudely asks, "Woman, what does this have to do with me?" (John 2:4). I don't know, Jesus! Maybe she was just trying to make conversation? Despite acting like a jerk, he subsequently endears himself to the wedding guests by turning water into wine so the party can go on! One thing that is made clear about Jesus is that he likes to par-tay.

After the wedding, Jesus goes to Jerusalem and has what I like to refer to as his "Axl Rose moment" in the temple, where he breaks everything and yells at everyone. It is certainly interesting that John places this incident so early in Jesus's ministry, since, as my religious studies professor puts it, going into the temple and throwing a fit is a really good way to ensure that you're dead within a week. When the Jews ask him what the HECK HE THINKS HE'S DOING?!, Jesus tells them to destroy the temple so he can rebuild it in three days. They tell him to stop being so wacky, but John's author notes that in retrospect, the apostles realized that "he was speaking about the temple of his body" (John 2:21). Eerie!

In chapter 3, Jesus makes a little speech about how his followers have to be "born again." I guess that's where they get the term "born again Christian," huh? Jesus's followers are pretty incredulous about this, asking, "How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother's womb and be born?" (John 3:4), to which Jesus replies that the rebirth is more of a spiritual kind of thing.

This chapter also contains a small section that contradicts Jesus's claim in the synoptics that he comes to bring division/a sword instead of peace. Here, he declares that "God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him" (John 3:17). Isn't that nice!

After these fun little chats, Jesus goes to Samaria. While his disciples are off buying food, Jesus hangs out at a well and meets a woman, who he demands give him water. She's all like, "Bitch, why you up in my grill? Don't you know that Samaritans aren't friends with Jews?" but Jesus snaps his fingers in a z-formation and is like, "Bitch please if you knew who I was you'd give me some goddamn water." He then explains that, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again" (John 4:13-14). She thinks this sounds pretty cool, so Jesus tells her to call her husband. She tells him that she doesn't have one, but Jesus already knew this; in fact, he correctly tells her that she has had FIVE husbands, all of whom are presumably dead. Impressed by his magical knowledge, she becomes convinced that he is the messiah. At this point, the apostles come back -- and "marvel that [Jesus is] talking with a woman" (John 4:27), because apparently Jesus doesn't get a lot of action -- and the whole gang accompanies the Samaritan into town, where she tells everyone that he is the messiah.

After this little adventure, Jesus and company go back to Galilee, where they cause quite a stir by healing on the Sabbath and being generally offensive. Most outrageous to the temple officials is the fact that Jesus "[calls] God his own Father, making himself equal with God" (John 5:18).

Chapter 6 contains two of our favorite miracles: Jesus multiplying the bread, and Jesus walking on water. Jesus also makes a very weird speech about how he is the "bread of life": "Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day" (John 6:53-54). Whoa, okay. Jesus is a zombie AND a vampire. This book has everything!

Chapter 6 ends with Jesus's prediction of Judas's betrayal, calling him "a devil" (John 6:70).

John is pretty cool! It's a welcome break from the synoptic Gospels, which were getting kind of old. More of this tomorrow, when I will try to be more prompt!

Day 76, Luke 13-21

So, in case you haven't figured it out by my prompt morning posts, I write this thing the day before I put it up. And I procrastinated on doing it all day. It has been a pretty weird Thanksgiving; since I'm alone in Canada, I spent the day eating soup and crackers and STROOPWAFELS, pretending to be Anne Frank. When you eat matzo ball soup (Jew food) and stroopwafels (Dutch cookies) sometimes you just gotta pretend to be Anne Frank.

Irreverent comments aside, the point I'm getting at is that I was too busy doing weird stupid shit all day to find the time to properly focus on the reading, so I apologize if I leave out interesting bits or don't write a lot. This is a lengthy project. I have not been as meticulous with it over the past few days as I wish I had been. Oh well. According to Jesus, you're supposed to forgive me!

Chapter 13 kicks off with Jesus healing a woman who has a "disabling spirit." I love the phrasing, it just seems so politically correct. She's not a LEPER or a CRIPPLE, she just has a DISABILITY.

The Pharisees give him shit for healing on the Sabbath, but Jesus tells them to piss off. He then announces that he has to head out for Jerusalem, since, "it cannot be that a prophet should perish away from [there]" (Luke 13:33).

I can't get over how freaking intense it is! In her poem, Suicide Note, Anne Sexton alludes to the incident:

Once upon a time
my hunger was for Jesus.
O my hunger! My hunger!
Before he grew old
he rode calmly into Jerusalem
in search of death.

It is just such a strange thing to fathom! Who goes looking for death?

Anyway, on the road to Jerusalem he keeps on a-preachin' and a-healin', telling the people that they should humble themselves and be good and so on and so forth. He mentions that if you have a dinner party you should invite deadbeats and losers instead of your friends, since your friends can repay you but the bums can't. Well, okay. Whatever you say, Jesus.

He also acts like a total asshole here and says that, "if anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:26-27). Geez Louise! For a guy who has come to be synonymous with "family values," he sure does hate families. He totally spurns his own, and tries to get other people to do the same. I guess Jesus probably eats Thanksgiving dinner alone and pretends to be Anne Frank too.

These chapters also contain some pretty famous parables, some of which I'll share. The parable of the lost sheep and the parable of the lost coin are basically synonymous, but I preferred the latter because it is phrased in a more amusing way. A woman has ten coins and loses one; Jesus asks, "Does [she] not light a lamp and sweep the house and seek diligently until she finds it? And when she has found it, she calls together her friends and neighbors, saying, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found the coin that I had lost!'" (Luke 15:8-9). Could you imagine if your friend called you up because they'd found a quarter they lost and asked you to celebrate with them? It's pretty funny.

This chapter also contains the return of the prodigal son, which you must know but I'll tell you anyway. A man has two sons, one of whom demands his inheritance and a young age and subsequently squanders it. Impoverished, he decides to go home and ask his father to work as a servant, since he is unworthy to be called the man's son. The father, however, is overjoyed that his son who "was dead... is alive again" (Luke 15:24) and welcomes him back into the house. The well-behaved son complains about this, but the dad just tells him to SHUT UP.

It's a nice story! And apparently this is how God responds to sinners who repent, which is good to know.

In chapter 16 Jesus talks about how a person's decisions in small matters reflects their greater character: "One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much, and one who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much" (Luke 16:10). He eventually concludes that a person cannot serve two masters, and must choose between God and money.

We also have a pretty scary account about a rich man and a guy named Lazarus. Lazarus is a total loser, poor and covered in sores, and he lives at the edge of the rich man's property. The rich man blows him off, but when they both die Lazarus goes to heaven and the rich man goes to hell. He begs for help but none is granted. He then asks if he can be resurrected to warn his brothers, but God replies, "If they do not hear Moses and the Prophets, neither will they be convinced if someone should rise from the dead" (Luke 16:31). Yeah, spooky ghosts are definitely not as convincing as BOOKS WRITTEN BY DEAD GUYS. What the fuck, man.

Chapters 17 and 18 don't have a lot of new stuff... Then chapter 19 contains a pretty weird story about a tax collector named Zacchaeus, who runs to see Jesus and has to climb up a tree because he's so short. Jesus sees him and tells him to get out of the tree so they can have a SLEEPOVER, and when the Pharisees see it they get all whiny because Zacchaeus is a sinner. Zacchaeus explains that he's started giving half of his stuff to the poor, however, so Jesus decides he's an okay guy!

It is interesting to note that the people seemed to think the "Kingdom of God" was coming sooner rather than later; the author remarks that Jesus "proceeded to tell another parable, because he was near to Jerusalem, and because [the people] supposed that the kingdom of God was to appear immediately" (Luke 19:11).

Jesus has his "triumphant" entry into Jerusalem, this time riding a colt instead of a donkey -- I think they're basically interchangeable, although Luke doesn't mention the bit about a donkey representing peace while a horse represents war. The Pharisees tell Jesus to rebuke his disciples when they call him the king, but Jesus gives a snarky response: "I tell you, if these were silent, the very stones would cry out" (Luke 19:40). Somebody has an ego!

The rest of the reading is stuff we already saw in Matthew and Mark: Jesus goes all Axl Rose and fucks up the temple, tells parables, talks to the Sadducees about resurrection, responds to the Pharisees who challenge his authority, describes the end of days... The norm. Tomorrow we finish Luke and start John, which is not a synoptic Gospel and should be very interesting! Until then, later gators.

Day 75, Luke 6-12

I haven't been in much of a bible mood lately, for some reason. I've found that my interest level for this project sort of ebbs and flows, mostly depending on what my other interests are doing. Sometimes I really feel like thinking about religion, but right now I want to think about other stuff! Like Richard Brautigan!! I spent my whole day reading his poems instead of paying attention in class, he is just the best.

But that is irrelevant, because right now we're going to talk about LUKE! I just do those little introductory paragraphs so you can get some insight into my SOUL and form an idea about what sort of fantastic person I am.

Since I'm feeling lazy today, I'm going to follow the format I've been using and just tell you about things that deviate from Matthew's version of the story, and things I found particularly interesting.

Chapter 6 contains Luke's account of the Sermon on the Mount, with a modified version of the Beatitudes. On top of listing everyone who is "blessed," Luke also adds a series of "woes":

"But woe to you who are rich, for you have received your consolation.
"Woe to you who are full now, for you shall be hungry.
"Woe to you who laugh now, for you shall mourn and weep.
"Woe to you, when all people speak well of you, for so their fathers did to the false prophets."

Luke 6:24-26

I actually think I might like this even more than Matthew's version. Although you could interpret it in a sort of boring, simplistic way and say that Jesus is simply deriding the aristocratic priests and pharisees, I've always liked to see these Beatitudes as an expression that life has its ups and downs; those who are happy now will eventually be sad, and those who are sad will eventually be happy. In his excellent book, The Last Temptation of Christ, Nikos Kazantzakis writes, "A prophet is the one who, when everyone else despairs, hopes. And when everyone else hopes, he despairs. You'll ask me why. It's because he has mastered the Great Secret: that the Wheel turns."

Pretty cool!

Chapter 7 contains assorted healings and exorcisms, most of which we've heard of before. There is an instance where Jesus raises a woman's son from the dead; I think this might be unique to Luke. There is also an incident that somewhat mirrors Jesus's anointment in Bethany, but bears differences as well. Jesus is invited to eat in the house of a Pharisee -- because Luke depicts him as being chummier with the Pharisees in general -- and a woman starts kissing his feet and anointing him. The Pharisees reprimand him, since she is evidently a sinful woman, but he provides them with a parable about two servants. Both are in debt, one for fifty denarii and one for five hundred, and the moneylender lets them both off the hook. Jesus asks the Pharisees which one will be more grateful, and they answer the one with the greater debt. Jesus explains that this is how the woman has been before God: "I entered your house," Jesus says to them, "you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair... Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven -- for she loved much" (Luke 7:44-48). This is a pretty nice message, but the Pharisees are distracted by the fact that Jesus had the nerve to forgive someone of their sins! Who is he to do that, huh?

Not a lot of new stuff in chapter 8 or 9, although Mary Magdalene receives her first mention that isn't related to the building of Jesus's tomb. She is described as one of his followers, along with a handful of other women. Apparently Jesus is popular with the ladies. 

In chapter 10, Jesus sends out SEVENTY-TWO disciples to do exorcisms and healings for him. Seventy-two! That's a lot! For the record, this doesn't replace the earlier stories where he sent out just the twelve, but supplements it. When the seventy-two return, they are super psyched about all the powers that Jesus gave them, and everyone is really happy! In his enthusiastic joy, Jesus thanks God for being such a swell guy and "[hiding] these things from the wise and understanding and [revealing] them to little children" (Luke 10:21). Enthusiasm ABOUNDS from everyone here!

Chapter 10 also provides us with the parable of the Good Samaritan, which I imagine you are familiar with; someone asks Jesus who he should consider his "neighbor" and we get a great little story. Basically, a man is beaten up and left on the side of the road. A priest walks by and ignores him, then a Levite walks by and does the same thing. Only the Samaritan is willing to stop and help the poor guy out. "Which of these three," Jesus asks the crowd, "proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?" (Luke 10:36). 

For the record, Samaritans are a sort of fringe sect of Judaism. Instead of praying at the temple they pray at Mount Gerozim, and they only acknowledge the Pentateuch as their biblical canon. They are historical rivals with the Jews, and although their numbers have dwindled substantially, a small population still exists today! Gee!

At the end of chapter 10, Jesus visits two babes named Mary and Martha. Martha occupies herself serving Jesus, while Mary relaxes. Did we mention that EVERYONE in this book is named Mary? Anyway, at some point in the evening Martha approaches Jesus and asks him if he noticed that her sister is being a lazy bitch, to which Jesus responds, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her" (Luke 10:41-42).

What does that even mean?!

In chapter 11, Jesus continues a-preachin' and a-healin', providing us with the Lucan version of the Lord's Prayer. I've noticed that everyone is really EXCITED in Luke; at one point a woman exclaims, "Blessed is the womb that bore you, and the breasts at which you nursed!" to which Jesus responds, "Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it!" (Luke 11:27-28). Luke sure likes his EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!! I feel you, pal. I'm a fan of the exclamation point myself.

The last two chapters seemed headed towards the end-of-days kind of stuff we saw in Matthew and Luke: we've got the mention of the sign of Jonah, urges that the people stay alert and ready, etc. Remember that line in Matthew where Jesus says he comes bringing a sword, not peace? Here it is phrased a little differently, and I thought it rang a bell: "Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth?" Jesus asks. "No, I tell you, but rather division" (Luke 12:51). Jesus is going to cause DIVISION on earth? You don't say!

Anyway, I'll leave you here for today. More Luke tomorrow. The party never ends!

Day 74, Mark 13-16, Luke 1-5

Mark wraps up rather unremarkably -- or perhaps unremarkably is the wrong word, since this story is AWESOME, but we just read a more fun version of it in Matthew so you know how it is. Not much new stuff. Here are my scant observations:

- The translation I've been reading as of late, the English Standard Version, keeps having people call Jesus "rabbi." What I want to know is WHY? Jesus wasn't a rabbi -- there WEREN'T any rabbis in the Second Temple period. The closest thing was a Pharisee, and although Jesus has some pharisaic characteristics, he's also depicted as constantly getting in bitch fights with them. I don't get it.

- There are only a few moments completely unique to Mark, but one of them is freakin' great. When Jesus is taken to his trial, a young man wearing a loincloth follows him. The authorities try to grab him, but he rips off his scant garment and runs away naked!

- Unlike in Matthew, Jesus actually professes to be the Christ when interviewed by the high priests. This is doubly offensive, since -- as you may remember -- "Christ" means "anointed" and the priests actually were anointed, or "Christs." He was totally undermining them.

- The disciple who buries Jesus is here described as a "respected member of the Council" (Mark 15:43). Apparently this means he was a member of the Sanhedrin. Weren't they the ones who convicted Jesus? I'm so confused!

- Another difference is that Mary Magdalene's friend Mary is the mother of Joses instead of John and James. And it is noted that Jesus at one point expelled seven demons from Mary Magdalene.

- The resurrection scene is a little different here too, omitting the presence of Roman guards outside of the tomb, among other small changes. Interestingly, some older manuscripts end the book with the angel's proclamation that Jesus has risen, after which the two Marys run from the tomb in terror. Not such a happy ending! Later editions have included a tale comparable to that in Matthew, where Jesus actually appears to the disciples.

Next up is Luke, which so far is my favorite gospel. As far as I can tell, Mark just wants to get the job done, Matthew adds in a few flourishes, but with Luke it's FREAKIN' STORY TIME! YEAH!!!

So grab some hot cocoa and listen up. Luke's author was a Gentile Christian who my study bible describes as "one of the first church writers with a real awareness of himself as a literary figure." It was presumably written in the 90s CE, like Matthew, and seems to borrow heavily from Mark at least as far as the story's framework is concerned. It is the final "synoptic" gospel.

Unlike the first two books, Luke opens up with a dedication to a fellow named Theophilus, which translates to "lover of God." Very literary! He also refrains from jumping right into the story of Jesus, prefacing the narrative with John the Baptist's birth. An old couple named Zecheriah and Elizabeth are living in Jerusalem, where Zecheriah is a priest. Although they are pious and upright, they have no children -- kind of like Sarah and Abraham, huh? Anyway, one day the angel Gabriel appears to Zecheriah and tells him that he will soon sire a son, who he is to name John. Zecheriah is doubtful, which causes Gabriel to make him go mute! That's what you get for fucking with angels!

After making his detour to Jerusalem, Gabriel goes to visit Mary and Joseph, who live in Nazareth (not Bethlehem). He tells Mary about how she's going to get knocked up by the Holy Spirit, which she is super psyched about, and she goes to visit Elizabeth. When she walks in the door, John the Fetus Baptist "leap[s] in [Elizabeth's] womb [and fills her] with the Holy Spirit" (Luke 1:41). Isn't this weird and fun? Didn't I tell you it was story time?

Chapter 1 ends with John's birth, while chapter 2 is explicitly concerned with Jesus. Joseph and Mary have to travel to Bethlehem to register for... something... Taxes? I'm not sure. Ostensibly, the reason they have to go is because Joseph is a descendent of King David -- but it's actually totally unrealistic that a Nazarene man would have to travel to the home of his ancestor who is something like fourteen generations removed. Like Matthew, Luke probably made this journey up to ensure that Jesus's birth fulfilled Old Testament prophecies. On their journey, Mary goes into labor and has to give birth in a manger because there is no room at the inn that they find. My best friend wrote a concept album called Jesus Christ Super Cool, which aptly describes this moment:

"Where are we going to stay?" cried the woman.
"This manger looks pretty swell," said the carpenter.
"A hotel room is better, what have we got to lose?"
The carpenter said, "We can't, 'cause we're cheap Jews."

At this point, an angel finds three shepherds and tells them to go CHECK IT OUT, the Son of Man was just born!  It is interesting that Luke's author chose shepherds instead of magi, as Matthew's author did. It is possible that Luke -- who was particularly concerned with the plight of the poor -- wanted to link Jesus with the common people.

My best friend's song confuses the two accounts:

Mary had her baby in a manger.
She said, "Let's invite some strangers!
"Some wise men to help me sleep.
"How 'bout some goats and some sheep?"

 After his birth, Jesus is presented at the temple in Jerusalem and an old man named Simeon gets super psyched because God promised him that he would not die until he had seen the messiah with his own eyes. He must have some crazy ESP or something, because he instinctively knows that Jesus is the right guy.

At this point the story jumps ahead to when Jesus is twelve years old, and travels to Jerusalem with his family for the Passover feast. They lose track of him and, assuming that he is with the departing party, leave without him. When they realize that Jesus is gone they have to go back and spend three days looking for him, before they finally find him "in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions" (Luke 2:46). Clever as can be, the young Jesus amazes the elders with his insight and understanding. My best friend writes of Jesus's precociousness in her album:

This Jesus is pretty young,
But he can already tie his shoes,
I think this baby's gonna be King of the Jews!

 Jesus's parents reprimand him for disappearing, but he simply responds, "Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?" (Luke 2:49).

One thing I'd like to note: although nowadays, because we think of Jesus as being the "son of God," we might interpret this as a direct reference to their intimate relationship. But all Jews at that time referred to God as "our Father." Jesus calling God "father" is not in and of itself unusual at all, and although his pronoun of choice ("my" instead of "our") is slightly deviant, it was not unheard of.

Chapter 3 tells us all about John the Baptist's ministry and Jesus's baptism. It also contains Jesus's genealogy, which goes back to Adam instead of stopping at Abraham. As a Gentile Christian, Luke probably wanted to emphasize Jesus's connection to all of mankind, rather than his connection to the Jewish people.

Chapters 4 and 5 contain Jesus's temptation in the wilderness, his rejection in Nazareth, the recruitment of the first four apostles (and later the tax collector, Levi), assorted healings, and questions from the Pharisees about fasting. Nothing new here, except maybe the fact that the Nazarene citizens actually want to throw Jesus off a cliff when he preaches to them, as opposed to just politely asking him to leave. Well, you know. These people aren't big on the whole "moderation" thing.

Before I take off, I wanted to address one of my lovely commenters. Under the pseudonym of "boring idiot," someone remarked on the scene in Mark 12 when an old widow donates her last two coins to the temple. I rather flippantly described the scene as "sweet" or "cute" or something like that, which prompted my humble commenter to write, "No, it isn't. A poor lady giving her last coin to the church is one of the greatest images of harm religion does."

Okay. Yeah, that's a valid point. I admit that I sometimes get so wrapped up in the biblical mindset when reading that events like this don't perturb me, but what our friend "boring idiot" has said has truth, particularly when considered in a modern context. The one defense I will make of the Evangelicals is this: in the Second Temple period, there was no separation of religion from everyday life. The Temple here does not only represent Judaism, but all authority, divine and otherwise; it is the foundation of the entire society. I'm not saying this makes it better, but I do think it's somewhat anachronistic to apply our modern sensibilities about religion to the Gospels.

But thank you for your comment, "boring idiot" ! Thank you to everyone who commented! You are a delight to me. See you all tomorrow.

Day 73, Mark 4-12

I'm not feeling tremendously motivated today, but luckily there isn't a whole lot of new material in Mark's gospel. Most of it is -- as I've mentioned before -- a condensed version of Matthew. Rather than repeat the whole story, I'll point out things that I didn't have time to talk about when I was reading Matthew. There will inevitably be gaps in the narrative, and if you are at all confused I urge you to read my last three entries!

In chapter 4, Jesus shares more parables, which prompt his disciples to ask him why he uses them instead of saying things directly. He explains that, "to you has been given the secret of the kingdom of God, but for those outside everything is in parables so that they may indeed see but not perceive, and may indeed hear but not understand, lest they should turn and be forgiven" (Mark 4:11-12). Wait, what? You don't WANT them to understand? What an asshole!

Chapter 5 contains the story where Jesus raises a twelve year old girl from the dead, which is interesting for two reasons. One is that while he is walking through the crowd, an old woman afflicted with "a discharge of blood for twelve years" (Mark 5:25) grabs his robes and is healed. This poor thing had her period for TWELVE YEARS! Man, oh man.

The second thing is that in Mark, Jesus takes the dead little girl by the hand and says, "Talitha cumi," which is Aramaic for "Rise, girl." The distinction is interesting -- because Jesus's native tongue was presumably Aramaic and therefore would have spoken it all the time, not just on certain occasions. So why leave just that line in Aramaic? The author of Mark was probably trying to suggest a connection between Jesus and the Jewish magicians who practiced during the same time period, and would use creepy magic words to heal people. Interesting!

Later on there is another magic-like miracle, where Jesus heals a deaf-mute by putting his fingers in the man's ears, spitting on his tongue, and saying "Ephphatha," which means "Be opened." Pretty weird stuff.

In chapter 6, Jesus sends out his apostles to do healing and exorcisms, telling them, "Whenever you enter a house, stay there until you depart from there" (Mark 6:10). Um, isn't that obvious? Stay there until you're not staying there anymore! Awesome instructions!

The bread multiplication miracle happens in chapter 8, and here it is mentioned that the crowds have not eaten in three days. That's devotion! I sure wouldn't go into the desert with no food to watch a guy talk about the kingship of God for three days. However, the apostles still have no freaking faith, and Jesus has to reprimand them by reminding them of his miracles: "'When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you take up?...And the seven for the four thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you take up?... Do you not yet understand?'" (Mark 8:19-21). What the apostles are missing is that you have to find the cosine of the angles in the basket and then do some logarithms... I'm not really sure of all the details. I dropped Calc to take Jewish history, you know how it goes.

Chapter 10 contains the story of the rich young man who Jesus instructs to sell all his belongings; in this retelling, it is mentioned that "Jesus, looking at him, loved him" (Mark 10:21). That is so cute! Love at first sight! D'awwwww.

Chapter 11 includes one of Jesus's most well-known sayings, which I neglected to include in my summary of Matthew. When the apostles show their lack of faith, Jesus tells them, "Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him" (Mark 11:23). Ah, perfect faith. I don't know that you could even really disprove this; maybe it's really true that if your heart is pure and you believe, wonderful things can happen! Pshhhh.

Another weird conversation ensues in chapter 12, when the Sadducees ask Jesus about resurrection. They describe a situation where one man marries a woman and dies, leaving no offspring. If you remember from back in Leviticus/Deuteronomy/Numbers, his brother's duty is to marry her and sire an heir -- but the brother dies too... and the next brother... and the next... Until finally seven brothers are dead and no kids can be found anywhere. You might be thinking that the Sadducees want to know why this woman keeps putting Drano in her husbands' tea, but they actually want to know whose wife she will be when they all die and go to heaven. Which of the brothers gets her? Jesus tells them that they're being fucking stupid, because everyone becomes an angel in heaven and angels don't have time for marriage! Goddamnit!

Chapter 12 ends with a nice little story. Jesus sits down by the treasury to watch people donate money, and sees many rich people giving great sums. Then a sad little old widow hobbles out and puts in two measly coins, which delights Jesus: "I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on" (Mark 12:43-44).

Isn't that sweet!

Anyway, that's all I've got for you today. I'm a busy woman. See you tomorrow for the end of Mark and beginning of Luke!

Day 72, Matthew 23-28, Mark 1-3

Today we wrap up Matthew and start Mark, which seems so far to be nothing more than the condensed version of Matthew with a few fun flourishes. Onward!

When we left Jesus yesterday, he had just fucked up the temple and was preaching to the people, to the disgust of the priests and Pharisees. He continues his anti-Pharisee campaign today by declaring seven "woes" onto them: "You are like whitewashed tombs," he sneers, "which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and uncleanness" (Matthew 23:27). Just keep making them love you, Jesus!

Chapter 24 tells us all about the apocalypse, which Jesus explains will be preceded by lots of war, famine, and general violence. To the apostles he warns, "They will deliver you up to tribulation and put you to death, and you will be hated by all nations for my name's sake" (Matthew 24:9), at which point the chosen twelve start to really regret that they didn't read the fine print before clicking "agree to go with Jesus." It's not all bad, though; after the so-called "birth pains," the new order will emerge, and everything will be just dandy. Jesus can't exactly give us a date on when this is happening, but bids that we "stay awake... for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect" (Matthew 24:42-44). I've said it before, and I'll say it again: any day now!

Chapter 25 expands on this theme, giving us two parables. The first of these -- the parable of the ten virgins -- is pretty weird, so I'll share it. Ten virgins are preparing for their super fun group wedding (?!) and all go to wait for the bridegroom with lamps. Because five of the virgins are "wise" they bring oil for their lamps, but the other five are dumb and forget. They have to go buy oil, and during that time the five smart virgins are invited into the chamber of the bridegroom. When the dumb virgins knock on the door, the bridegroom tells them to go away because he doesn't know them.

In other words, BE PREPARED, because the bridegroom/Jesus might come at any moment and you want to get in on this steamy action. Also, polygamy ROCKS!

Jesus goes onto discuss the final judgment, when the righteous will be separated from the wicked. The "King" will welcome the righteous into heaven, telling them, "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me" (Matthew 25:35-36). The righteous respond along the lines of, "Thanks dude but when did we do that?" at which point God tells them that "As you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me" (Matthew 25:40).

That's really nice! I like that!

While the High Priest, Caiaphas, schemes with his pals about how to kill Jesus, our messianic protagonist goes to a leper's house in Bethany to spend the night. While he's reclining at the table, a woman dumps a bunch of expensive ointment on his head, which totally pisses off the apostles. They start whining that the ointments should have been sold and the money given to the poor, but Jesus tells them to shut up because "you always have the poor with you, but you will not always have me. In pouring this ointment on my body, [the woman] has done it to prepare me for burial" (Matthew 26:11-12).

Aaagghh!! So eerie!

Perhaps Judas doesn't buy this, because he sneaks off to the priestly residence and asks how much they'll pay him if he betrays Jesus. They give him thirty pieces of silver and he scampers off. I'm not really sure what thirty pieces of silver were worth -- I googled it and someone was claiming that it was equivalent to $600 US dollars "because of inflation," are you joking?!! -- but I guess the monetary value is mostly irrelevant. The point is that Judas is a JERK.

Like the mooches they are, Jesus and his friends crash at someone else's house for Passover, Jesus's last meal before his death. While everyone else is enjoying their matzo ball soup, Jesus puts a total damper on the mood once again by predicting that one of his apostles will betray him. In turns, each man asks if it will be him, INCLUDING JUDAS. Dude, don't you already know?! Jesus says something along the lines of, "Um, DUH," and they move on.

After this possibly awkward discussion, Jesus institutes the Eucharist or Lord's Supper, a rite still practiced today. He breaks bread and passes it among the apostles, telling them that it's his body, then pours them wine and says that it is his blood. What is this, the freakin' Donner Party? I bet Jesus was one of those kids who didn't buy any food for his wagon party on Oregon Trail.

Jesus then tells his apostles that they will "fall away" during the night, but Peter swears his allegiance, saying, "Even if I must die with you, I will not deny you!" (Matthew 26:35). Jesus lets him know that, "Uhh, actually Peter, you're going to deny me three times." Oops.

After the meal the apostles snooze and Jesus goes to pray in the Garden of Gethsemane; he is a little bummed out about having to die, but agrees to conform with God's will. After a bit, a huge, armed crowd appears and Judas emerges from them and greets Jesus with a nice friendly kiss. If you're anything like me, you might have taken this as an indication that they are in fact GAY LOVERS, but don't get your hopes up. It's actually a kiss of betrayal; this was the sign Judas devised to indicate which man was Jesus. I'm actually not sure why it wasn't OBVIOUS which man was Jesus, but hey, what are you going to do? Let's just roll with it.

Like a boss, Jesus just tells Judas, "Friend, do what you came to do" (Matthew 26:50).

God, isn't this story a train wreck? Isn't it the saddest thing ever? TELL ME, IS YOUR HEART BREAKING TOO?

To me, the relationship between Jesus and Judas poses one of the greatest moral dilemmas in the bible -- both because Judas's role actually was necessary to fulfill the Old Testament prophecies, and we don't have any real information about why he did it. Furthermore, if Jesus knew this was coming, why didn't he intervene? There's a great play by Steven Adly Guirgis called The Last Days of Judas Iscariot which touches on all these issues, but for now I'll just share one particular line. The play is a courtroom drama, taking place in Purgatory, and Judas Iscariot's lawyer is discussing this exchange between Jesus and Judas with Simon the Zealot. "Sounds like Jesus approved," she says. Simon shrugs.

"But if you were Judas, Simon, and 'doing what you had to do' ended up getting you thrown into despair and hanging from a tree and then sent to hell to lie in misery and infamy in perpetuity -- if you were Judas -- wouldn't you have kinda wished that Jesus had maybe said something else instead? Would it kind of make you feel like you got fucked?"

Indeed!

A minor scene ensues, with one of the apostles chopping off a soldier's ear, but Jesus is disgusted by the debacle and tells everyone to chill the fuck out: "Have you come out as against a robber, with swords and clubs to capture me? Day after day I sat in the temple teaching, and you did not seize me" (Matthew 26:55).

He goes peaceably with the authorities to his trial, where he is first interrogated by the High Priests. For the most part he refuses to answer their questions, although when asked if he is the Christ he manages a brief response: "You have said so. But I tell you, from now on you will see the Son of Man seated at the right hand of Power and coming on the clouds of heaven" (Matthew 26:56). This is enough to get him condemned for blasphemy and shipped off to Pilate, the Roman Governor. Meanwhile, Peter inadvertently fulfills Jesus's prediction by denying him three times. Some rock!

When Judas realizes that Jesus is going to get killed, he is filled with remorse and tries to give back the thirty pieces of silver, saying that he has sinned. The priests say something along the lines of, "Whatever dude, that's not our problem," which is evidently not what Judas wanted to hear, because he throws the money on the ground and goes to hang himself. Oh god. This really is the saddest story EVER. And here's another question that we might raise: what was Judas's great sin? Betraying Jesus to the Romans -- or succumbing to despair, and perhaps believing that Jesus would not be willing to forgive him?


IF WE DON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS SOON I'M GOING TO SUCCUMB TO DESPAIR!!! GOD IT'S SO DEPRESSING.

Meanwhile, Jesus's trial with Pilate goes basically the same as the first one with the priests; he refuses to answer anything, but Pilate does not find him altogether offensive. At the urging of his wife, Pilate presents the people with Jesus and another criminal, named Barabbas, and tells them they can choose one to go free. Although Barabbas is a "notorious prisoner" (Matthew 27:16), the crowd chooses him and calls for Jesus to be crucified. Geez. Aren't these the same people who were cheering and waving palm leaves for Jesus like two days ago?

Pilate seems to think that everyone is being ridiculous, because he literally and metaphorically washes his hands to symbolize his lack of involvement in Jesus's death. Well, okay. After the verdict is read, everyone is a total asshole to Jesus: mocking him, spitting on him, and, you know, nailing him to that cross and everything. Despite having super cool magical messiah powers, Jesus definitely doesn't have too much fun up on the cross; at one point he calls out "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" which translates to, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46). And... then he dies. This spectacle is watched by a woman named Mary Magdelene, as well as James's and John's mother, who is also named Mary. Did we mention that Jesus's mom is named Mary too? What the fuck, man! This makes "Herodias" seem almost inspired.

After Jesus' death, one of his disciples -- a man named Joseph -- asks the Romans for his body and builds a tomb for him, with the help of the two Marys. The Romans employ a guard of soldiers to watch the tomb for three days, ensuring that no one steals Jesus's body and claims that he was resurrected -- but Roman soldiers are no match for MESSIAH MAN! On the third morning, the two Marys go on a stroll and encounter an angel, who scares the guards to death and opens the tomb, which is empty. Mary and Mary run to tell the apostles, and on their way they meet Jesus, who greets them as if nothing has happened. Everyone is super psyched -- except for the priests and Romans, who console themselves by circulating rumors that Jesus's body was stolen while the guards slept -- and Jesus tells his apostles to spread the word of his resurrection. What a happy ending! Hooray!

Am I the only one who is still totally bummed out? This wasn't a freakin' ending, it was deus ex machina bullshit that didn't even resolve anything. What happens to Judas? Poor baby!

Our next book is Mark, which is the oldest gospel, dating back to around 70 CE. Presumably, Matthew and Luke took a lot of their foundational material from Mark and elaborated on it, so Mark is correspondingly much briefer and unadorned. I don't feel that it's necessary to provide extensive details on what I read, since it's basically the same as Matthew, but there are a few small things I want to remark upon.

First, Mark makes no reference to Bethlehem; Jesus is a Nazarene, through and through. The conflicting evidence in all four gospels suggests that Jesus's birth in Bethlehem was most likely invented.

Chapter 2 contains one of the stories where Jesus heals a paralytic, although Mark seriously improves on Matthew's version. Here, Jesus is performing his miracles in a house, and since the doorway is so crowded, the paralytic's friends REMOVE THE ROOF and lower him in! Hah!

We also get one more reference to Jesus's strained relationship with his family. While preaching in Nazareth, his family goes "out to seize him, for they were saying, 'He is out of his mind'" (Mark 3:21).

Hopefully tomorrow's entry will be briefer, since I have a feeling Mark is going to contain mostly recycled material. Until then!

Day 71, Matthew 13-22

The saga continues! Chapter 13 opens with some more teachings and parables from everyone's favorite messiah, bookended with the mantra, "He who has ears, let him hear" (Matthew 13:9). We've got the parable of the sower, where a "farmer" (ie God) throws "seeds" (ie people) onto the earth. Some of them land on rock and can't take root, some of them land in the thorns and are choked as they grow, and some of them land in fertile soil and flourish. In other words, some of you are going to be fuck-ups and there's NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO!! The next parable is about weeds and grain, which grow up together but are parted from each other at the harvest. The big theme of Jesus's teachings in this chapter is the separation of good from evil on Judgment Day.

At the end of the chapter Jesus goes to Nazareth to preach, but everyone totally blows him off, asking, "Where did this man get this wisdom and these mighty works? Is this the carpenter's son?" (Matthew 13:54-55). Jesus eventually has to shrug them off, lamenting, "A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and in his own household" (Matthew 13:57). Truer words haven't been spoken. Gene Simmons can have the longest tongue and all the women in the world, but to his mother he'll always be little Chaim Witz. Jesus resolves not to preach in Nazareth again.

In chapter 14 we receive some sad news about the fate of John the Baptist, who Herod (that is, Herod Antipas, son of Herod the Great and tetrarch of Galilee) believes is reincarnated in Jesus or something. You see, John was critical of Herod's illicit relationship with Herodias, his sister-in-law. Yes, her name is Herodias. Anyway, Herod doesn't want to kill him because he knows it will piss off the masses, but he imprisons the prophet and on a drunken night one thing leads to another and eventually Herodias is performing lap dances and John's severed head is on a platter! Gotta pass on the tequila next time.

T.S. Eliot alludes to the event in my FAVORITE POEM EVER, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock:

Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet -- and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

So cool! See, this is why you've gotta read the bible. So you can understand pretentious poets.

After this brief interlude we return to our regularly scheduled programming. Jesus is popular as ever and is having difficulty escaping the masses. He gets on a boat but they just follow him, so he performs some crazy messiah trick and multiplies enough bread to feed five thousand people. Later that day, the apostles are out in their boat and they see Jesus walking on the water. Like the little bitch he is, Peter demands, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water" (Matthew 14:25). Jesus complies, but Peter's lack of faith makes him start to sink and Jesus has to come to the rescue.

In chapter 15 Jesus gets into a minor bitch fight with the Pharisees, who continue to be critical of his odd customs. One of their complaints is that Jesus never washes his hands, but Jesus explains to them that "it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth" (Matthew 15:11). It's a nice message, but you really should wash your hands, Jesus. There are a lot of germs in ancient Palestine!

They continue badgering him, asking for a sign that he is the messiah, but he refuses to give one. Apparently only Jesus's pals are allowed to have proof of anything. On that note, we also find out how Peter got his super cool nickname. The apostles and Jesus were having a chat, during which Peter declares that Jesus is anointed by God, the "Christ." Jesus is so touched by this show of devotion that he declares, "I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church" (Matthew 16:18). So that's why he's a rock! I thought it was like "block-head."

Never one for tact, Jesus puts a serious damper on the mood by telling his friends that he has to go into Jerusalem to die. Peter protests, but Jesus tells him to stop being annoying: "You are not setting your mind on the things of God," he says, "but on the things of man" (Matthew 16:23).

In chapter 17, Jesus takes Peter, John, and James up on a mountain, where he is "transfigured before them, and his face shone like the sun, and his clothes became white as light" (Matthew 17:2). The three apostles see the figures of Moses and Elijah, which prompts Peter to offer to set up tents -- presumably so they can roast marshmallows together and tell scary stories -- but then the voice of God rings out over the mountain and scares the shit out of him. Jesus is all like, "Chill guys, that's just my dad." The apostles ask about Elijah -- who is supposed to come  before the messiah -- and Jesus explains that this was John the Baptist.

The gang comes down from the mountain and Jesus sets out to heal more people. However, his patience seems to be wearing thin at this point: "O faithless and twisted generation," he proclaims when a woman asks him to perform an exorcism, "how long am I to be with you?" (Matthew 17:17). Not much longer, pal. Not much longer.

The rest of the reading consists of mostly teachings: we've got a lot of parables intermixed with some brief but important plot development. I won't go into the parables in detail, although they are excellent, but the gist of them is that you should be forgiving, that God loves everyone equally, and that it's possible to redeem yourself after sinning. He shows off his Nice Guy tendencies by talking about how much he loves children -- "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children you will never enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 18:3) -- and also reveals his Communist sympathies. Seriously, we might as well call him Chairman Christ. He tells a wealthy man to sell all his possessions and give his money to the poor, then turns to the crowd and says, "I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God" (Matthew 19:24).

In chapter 21, Jesus finally enters Jerusalem, fulfilling the prophecy we read back in Zechariah by riding into town on a donkey. At this point, everyone is super psyched to see him, waving palm leaves and cheering. He does little to endear himself to the authorities, however, because right away he stops by the temple and starts FUCKING SHIT UP. He knocks over tables and drives out the people, declaring, "It is written, 'My house shall be called a house of prayer,' but you make it a den of robbers" (Matthew 21:13). If you're anything like me -- and your first exposure to this story was Jesus Christ Superstar -- you're probably imagining the temple as being full of prostitutes and gambling and the like. But it really wasn't. The temple was the most integral and sacred part of the Jewish religion during the 1st century CE, and its sanctity was really meticulously preserved. There were sales going on, sure -- but it was just the selling of ritually pure animals for sacrifices, and exchange of currency. One of the big questions that New Testament scholars ask is why Jesus felt such animosity towards the temple; it is possible that he, like the representatives of many other fringe groups, felt that the priestly office was occupied by the wrong people. If I remember correctly, at this point in history the tetrarch was in charge of choosing the high priests.

He and his friends leave town for the night, and in the morning Jesus encounters a fig tree with no fruit. He was HUNGRY, GODDAMNIT, and this incident pisses him off so much that he curses the tree, preventing it from ever bearing fruit again. Okay. At this point, he's just committing vandalism. He might as well get some spray paint and write "JESUS WUZ HERE" on the Wailing Wall.

Jesus goes into the temple to preach, at which point the priests challenge his authority. Like the irritable fellow he has come to be, he tells them to get lost and keeps telling parables, some of which are at the expense of the priests and Pharisees. Today's reading ends with a nice little piece of advice from Jesus. A man asks him which commandments are the most important, and he replies, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets" (Matthew 22:37-40).

He is just such a sweetie! A sad, doomed, fatalistic sweetheart.

More tomorrow!

Day 70, Matthew 1-12

So begins the Gospel of Saint Matthew! Although it's really hard to date any of these books, Matthew is presumed to have been written around 90 CE, and is considered the most "Jewish" of the gospels. It is also one of the three "synoptic" gospels, along with Mark and Luke. This basically means that there is a lot of overlap between the three, whereas John deviates more. It is generally accepted that Mark was written first, and the authors of Matthew and Luke had read his work before writing their own. There are also theories about a second source (named "Q") that informed Matthew and Luke, explaining similarities that occur only in those two books. If it interests you, here is a chart detailing the relationship between the three synoptic gospels:

 

That being said, let's begin the reading! Matthew kicks off by providing us with a nice family tree of Jesus, starting with Abraham and including David; this of course emphasizes Jesus's connection with the Jewish people, and his divine right to rule. Interestingly, this lineage ends with Joseph rather than Mary, which makes sense in one regard -- since lineage is always traced through the male line in the bible -- but is also a little odd since Joseph isn't technically Jesus's father. Matthew could have saved a whole lot of time by detailing the family tree as such:

Holy Spirit --> Jesus

But hey, what are you going to do? Sometimes there are more important things that efficiency. 

After the family tree, the narrative starts. Jesus's mom, Mary, gets married to a dapper young fellow named Joseph, but before they can consummate their marriage (I guess Joseph was nervous) she is discovered pregnant. Even though he's just a carpenter, Joseph can put two and two together and resolves to divorce Mary privately -- because he's such a nice guy and doesn't want to make a public debacle out of everything. However, at night he is visited by an angel who tells him that Mary was actually impregnated by the HOLY SPIRIT and that "she will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save the people from their sins" (Matthew 1:21). Jesus, or Joshua, means "the Lord saves" or more simply "savior," which also means that the translated name of Jesus Christ is "Savior Anointed." Could you imagine if you knew a kid in school named Savior Anointed? He would get beaten up every day!

In chapter 2, Jesus is born in Bethlehem, which we bible scholars know is the native city of King David. According to Matthew's account, Mary and Joseph actually live there. Before the birth, three magi realized that the king of the Jews would soon be born, and went to Jerusalem to tell the client king, Herod the Great. Herod tells them to track down this newborn child and report back, so the magi follow a star and come across Joseph, Mary, and Jesus. They present Jesus with gifts and depart, deciding not to return to Herod.

If I may take a moment, I would like to address an important question: what the hell is a magi?! We hear the word so often in association with Jesus that we just tend to accept it, but not I! As an ardent reader of Wikipedia, I am here to bring you the truth about things. "Magi" comes from the Greek word "magos" and usually indicated a follower of Zoroastrianism. Interesting! Here, however, it probably just means "magician."

Anyway, after the magi leave, Joseph has a dream telling him that he must flee to Egypt with his family to protect them from the bloodthirsty king. They go abroad, and soon after Herod decrees that all the male babies in Bethlehem and the surrounding area must be killed. This is known today as the Massacre of Innocents, and although there is no documentation that it actually happened, it should be noted that Herod the Great was notoriously barbaric; the Roman Emperor Augustine once quipped that he'd rather be Herod's pig than his son, since the pig was more likely to live. 

Jesus is sounding a bit like Moses, though, huh? Narrowly avoiding death as an infant? Being called to Egypt? I would assume that Matthew intentionally drew these parallels, seeking to legitimize the young messiah.

Joseph and his family return to Israel after Herod's death, but they are intimidated by the new "ethnarch," Archelaus, and resettle in Nazareth rather than Bethlehem.

Chapter 3 opens with a description of the ministry of John the Baptist, who Matthew's author describes as the precursor to Jesus. John the Baptist gives off some crazy homeless person vibes, in my opinion; he lives on the east bank of the Jordan River, dresses in camel skin, eats locusts, and rambles about the kingdom of heaven. The Pharisees and Sadducees don't like him, but he doesn't like them either. In spite of being pretty freaky overall, he accumulates enough of a following that people start to ask if he is the messiah. To this he replies, "I baptize you with water for repentance. But after me comes one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with fire" (Matthew 3:11).

Can you say BADASS?!!!

Anyway, Jesus comes to John to get baptized. At first John is hesitant, suggesting that Jesus should be the one baptizing him, but eventually he caves and performs the rite. Once completed, Jesus "[sees] the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven [says], 'This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased'" (Matthew 3:16-17).

It should be noted that the first time I read this I went, "AWWW!!" audibly. Jesus and God are just TOO CUTE!

After his baptism, Jesus goes into the wilderness, where he fasts for forty days -- this is reminiscent of Moses's fast on Mount Sinai, as well as Elijah's fasts. While in the desert, he is tempted by the devil, who tries to convince him to prove that he is the messiah and to worship him in exchange for power. Like a boss, Jesus just quotes scripture at him. 

Once he emerges from the wilderness, Jesus moves to Capernaum and begins his ministry, telling people to "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near" (Matthew 4:17). He recruits two sets of brothers to be his first apostles: Simon and Andrew, and James and John. You might know Simon better as Peter, which is actually a nickname meaning "rock." I'm not sure why no one else gets a cool nickname. 

One of my favorite moments from this chapter is when Jesus recruits Andrew and Peter, who are fishermen: "Come with me," Jesus says, "and I will make you fishers of men" (Matthew 4:19). HAH! Is that funny or what? Nice pun, Jesus!

Chapters 5 through 7 contain the Sermon on the Mount, which -- as far as I'm concerned -- is the only part of the bible that is even remotely moral. The sermon opens with the Beatitudes, which you've got to read, because they're so nice.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn,
for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,
for they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful,
for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the pure of heart,
for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they shall be called children of God.

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

- Matthew 5:3-10

Seriously, I don't care how cold-hearted and cynical you are. I'm a total jerk and I still think this is completely lovely.

Jesus continues to prove himself to be... a really nice guy! He tells the people to be generally forgiving and humble before others, to "turn the other cheek" and love their enemies, all that bleeding-heart liberal mumbo-jumbo. One rather funny line comes from his discussion of lust: "I say to you that if everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart... If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go to hell" (Matthew 5:27-30). In other words, DON'T JERK OFF!

In chapter 6, Jesus cautions people not to be show-offs about how righteous they are; a truly righteous person will not care if others know they are doing the right thing. He outlines how to pray, providing us with the well-known "Lord's Prayer," and then emphasizes the importance of "spiritual" treasure over physical treasure, quoting Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows to make his point: "Where your treasure is," Jesus says, "there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:21).

This line, which Dumbledore chose as the epigraph on his mother and sister's grave, helps support my newly coined conspiracy theory that Jesus is actually Dumbledore. Think about it.

To elaborate on the theory, here is a line from chapter 7: "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened" (Matthew 7:7). Doesn't that sound an awful lot like the old line, "Help will always be there at Hogwarts for those who ask" ?!!!

I'm right. I know I'm right.

Judging by the little bar on the side of the screen, I've already written a lot, and I still have five chapters to get through. So I will abridge my discussion of the Sermon on the Mount, although I'd recommend reading it yourself if you haven't already. To conclude this section of the reading, I'll share my favorite quote from the sermon: "Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (Matthew 6:34).

Can you get more freakin' wise?!

In chapter 8, Jesus starts performing all sorts of wacky healings and exorcisms. He also begins to recruit more people to his ministry, revealing to us that he has a nutcase side of him as well: "Follow me," he urges one grieving young man, "And let the dead bury their own dead" (Matthew 8:22). Dude, his dad just died! Have some tact!

Jesus continues performing miracles, mostly healings and exorcisms, but encounters some criticism in chapter 9. Upon telling a paralytic that his sins have been forgiven, the Pharisees confront him and accuse him of committing blasphemy. Jesus retorts, "Which is easier, to say 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say 'Rise and walk'?" (Matthew 9:5). Jesus subsequently repairs the paralytic's legs, suggesting that he can do both, although the Pharisees later attribute his miracles to the demon Beelzebub rather than God. 

The Pharisees are also quick to criticize Jesus for the company he keeps, an assortment of "tax collectors and sinners" (Matthew 9:12). But Jesus scoffs at them, saying that the righteous don't need help like the sinners do. He also shrugs off their accusations that he is not properly pious for refusing to fast, saying, "Can the wedding guests mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them? The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast" (Matthew 9:15).

God, it's eerie! He knows that he's going to be killed for all this craziness.

In chapter 10 we are introduced to the twelve main apostles, who are sent out to perform healings and exorcisms on Jesus's behalf. Jesus warns that they will be persecuted, but tells them not to "fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body" (Matthew 10:28). In other words, DON'T MAKE HORCRUXES, VOLDEMORT!

At this point he gets a little crazy and shows us his nutcase side again: "Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword...Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me" (Matthew 10:34-38). Someone sure thinks highly of himself!

Chapter 11 is all about Jesus's connection to John the Baptist, who has heard rumors about Jesus and inquires if they are true. Jesus basically tells him that "YOU'D BETTA' BELIEVE IT!" and John the Baptist is further established as his predecessor.

In the final chapter of today's reading, Jesus keeps on with his crazy preaching, telling people that "something greater than the temple is here" (Matthew 12:6) and that it's okay to perform healings on the Sabbath. If you don't know a lot about Second Temple Judaism, let me tell you: these are REALLY controversial things to say. The Pharisees get even more pissed off than they already were and start to conspire against Jesus, but it's not a huge deal since he basically already knows that he's doomed to die: "Just as Jonah was three days and three nights in the belly of the great fish, so will the Son of Man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth" (Matthew 12:40). Oh wow.

At the end of the chapter Jesus's family -- his mother and brothers -- come out to watch him speak, but he totally blows them off, saying that his true family are his followers. Harsh. This is the first of many instances that suggest Jesus has a somewhat strained relationship with his family.

That's it for today! Sorry for going on so long; as I've mentioned, I'm a big Jesus fan. Tomorrow's reading will take us deeper into Matthew.