Today we wrap up the Book of Joshua and proceed to Judges, which continues the tale of Israelite settlement in the holy land. These books, along with Deuteronomy, Samuel, Kings, and Jeremiah, are said to comprise Deuteronomist history; that is, they were presumably written by a movement of Levite priests who we now call the Deuteronomists, and tell the tale of Canaan's early colonization. How fun!
Chapter 20 kicks off with another, better explanation of the cities of refuge. Whereas before they were presented as places where murderers could flee to in order to avoid consequence for their crimes, now it is explained that in order to gain entry into the city, a prospective refugee must stand trial. These cities are set up to protect those who commit manslaughter from undue retaliation.
Chapter 21 resumes the favorite pastime of Joshua's authors: writing out the names of cities! We get to hear about all the regions in each tribal territory that is to be allotted to the Levites, who -- as you may remember -- are not entitled to their own land.
In chapter 22 there is a bit of a drama-rama, because the tribes on the opposite banks of the Jordan River -- the Reubenites, Gadites, and half of Manasseh -- set up an altar to God, which is totally not cool since there's only supposed to be one altar, apparently. One god, one altar... It all makes sense!! Just work with us! All the other tribes journey over to confront their wayward pals, who explain themselves: "The truth is that we have done this for fear that the day may come when your children will say to ours, 'What have you to do with the Lord, the God of Israel? The Lord put the Jordan as a boundary between us and you. You have no share in the Lord, you Reubenites and Gadites.'" (Joshua 22:24-25) Aww! They're insecure! How precious. This response is considered satisfactory, and the tribes "[think] no more of attacking and ravaging the land" (Joshua 22:33) and mosey on back home.
In chapter 23, Joshua prepares to die, making a farewell speech that echoes the sentiments of Moses's: he tells the Israelites to behave themselves, continue to worship God, etc, etc. He continues into chapter 24 with a great big freaking summary of everything we've read, and then he dies and is buried in Shechem along with the bones of Joseph, which were brought up from Egypt. How nice. Of less significance, Aaron's son Eleazar dies and is succeeded by his son Phinehas. And thus ends the Book of Joshua!
As previously mentioned, Judges describes the settlement of Canaan -- and contrary to the rosy accounts of Joshua, where the region was conquered effortlessly, the Israelites of Judges encounter many more difficulties. In other words, if you were a little surprised at how smoothly everything was going and how well the Jews were behaving themselves, don't worry one bit! Chaos will ensue once more. This is the bible, after all!
After Joshua's death, everyone is annoyed about the Canaanites still being everywhere, so they ask God which tribe should start attacking these infidels first. God picks the tribe of Judah, and they proceed to kick some ass, eventually capturing a king, Adoni-bezek. Weirdly enough, they "cut off his thumbs and his big toes" (Judges 1:6), which causes him to lament his wrongdoings: "I once had seventy kings with their thumbs and big toes cut off who were picking up the scraps under my table. What I have done, God has done to me" (Judges 1:7). He dies in Jerusalem, remorseful as can be. Incidentally, although Jerusalem is depicted as being Israelite territory, later sources suggest that it was not yet conquered at this time in the biblical canon.
In chapter 2 we get another helping of good old fashioned Israelite disobedience. Holy shit, they are so stupid. In spite of making like a million covenants and having countless examples of God's sovereignty, they continue to act like morons and start worshiping Canaanite gods, which makes the Hebrew God set up a system of judges (LIKE THE NAME OF THE BOOK!!! HAHAH GET IT?) to keep an eye on them. The first of these judges is named Othniel, who doesn't get much of a story but is said to have kept the land at peace for 40 years. Good for him! However, as soon as he dies the Israelites start screwing up again, so he is succeeded by Ehud, a southpaw from the tribe of Benjamin. Apparently it is significant that he is left-handed; he probably throws a filthy change-up as well. Ehud goes to make a sacrifice to King Eglon, a Moabite king who is occupying Israelite territory, but when he reaches the palace he asks to address Eglon in private. They go into a closet where Ehud tells him, "I have a message from God to you" (Judges 3:20) and stabs him to death! What a badass! By the way, the servants take a long time to realize that Eglon is dead because they think he is "relieving himself in the closet of his summer palace" (Judges 3:24). What does that even mean?!
Ehud brings peace to the land for eighty years, and is succeeded by a fellow named Shamgar, who we don't know much about except that he kills a lot of Philistines. Cool!
Chapter 4 is remarkable in that it features a WOMAN as its protagonist. A woman! I know, right? It's crazy! Her name is Deborah and she is described as a "prophetess" (Judges 4:4). One day she sends for a fellow named Barak and tells him to run for president. Just kidding. That was a joke. This is a different Barak, it's even spelled differently! She actually tells him to gather the forces from the tribes of Naphtali and Zebulum to kick some Canaanite butt. They go to take on an infidel commander named Sisera and are met with overwhelming success, despite Sisera's powerful armies. The commander himself flees the battle on foot, and is hidden in the tent of a Kenite woman named Jael -- Moses's wife, by the way, is rewritten to be Kenite rather than Middianite, as she was first identified. Jael covers the commander with a rug (because that will hide him!) but then while he's sleeping she "[drives] a peg into his temple, so that it [goes] down into the ground" (Judges 4:21). Ew! Don't do that! Or at least don't describe it!
Anyway, the point of the story is that the Israelites are victorious. Hooray! Chapter 5 commemorates the event with a poetic retelling, which supposedly predates the prose version. After the valiant deeds of Deborah, Barak, and Jael, the land is at peace for forty years.
Our next judge is named Gideon, and he shows up after the Israelites sin again and are delivered into the hands of the Midianites. Presumably, he was chosen for this job because his name rhymes with "Midian."
Things are pretty rough for the Jews these days, and when Gideon is first confronted with the angel of God he is skeptical: "If the Lord really is with us, why has all this happened to us? What has become of all those wonderful deeds of his, of which we have heard from our forefathers?" (Judges 6:13). The angel persists that Gideon must free the people from the Midianites, so he asks for a divine sign and is granted one. After receiving sufficient proof, he sneaks off in the middle of the night and topples the altar to Canaanite gods, like a boss.
In the morning everyone is super pissed off that their altar has been knocked over, and after "careful investigation" (like what, did they trace the DNA in his fingerprints or something?) they discover that Gideon did it. The tribes are all set to stone him to death, but Gid's dad comes to his rescue by saying that if Baal is really a god, he can defend himself when someone breaks his altar. Fair logic. I like that!
Apparently the first sign wasn't enough for Gideon, because the chapter ends with him asking for two more. Isn't it a little funny how today, people believe absolutely in these old religious texts without any proof, and the characters within the text can't manage to muster up any faith in spite of having shit tons of evidence that God exists? That's what we call IRONY!
See you tomorrow for more Judges and more fun!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Day 19, Joshua 10-19
Hi folks! Today's reading consists of more battles, culminating in the division of the land between the tribes. I am sorry to say that it is not entirely interesting -- much of the content is simply lists of places and names -- but we will forge onward diligently and look for the golden moments hidden within.
In yesterday's reading, the cities of central Palestine -- Jericho and Ai -- were conquered. Today, the Israelites take on the rest of the country and have remarkable success in their endeavors. Chapter 10 retells the conquest of southern Palestine, ending in the deaths of five powerful kings. They flee to a cave, where they are found by Joshua, who urges his troops to "come forward and put your feet on the necks of these kings" (Joshua 10:24). Well, that's kind of weird! After the Israelites use the kings' necks as ottomans, they are hung on gibbets and left out until the end of the day.
The battles continue in rather unremarkable fashion, the Israelites conducting themselves with the same merciless brutality we saw in yesterday's reading. They are really huge jerks! Based on a reference to Joshua's age a the beginning of chapter 13, we can determine that these conquests take about five years, during which almost all the previous inhabitants of Palestine are killed. Certain tribes or ethnic groups do survive, but are permitted to exist only as slaves to the tribes. Ughhhh. It's too cruel. They are like 16th century explorers or colonizers or something. As Rudyard Kipling might say, take up the white man's burden, Israel! History needs more self-entitled assholes!
Many of these conquests end with the allotment of certain territories to certain tribes, an occasion that is usually completely indecipherable to me since I don't actually know the geography of ancient Palestine and can't envision where these places are. For your benefit, I will provide a map. The first is an old one and is really cool looking but not particularly useful; the second was made on someone's computer and is therefore less cool but will give you a good idea of where everyone wound up living:
In spite of evoking these memories, these chapters were not entirely useless. We got some important logistics out of the way, dividing the tribes into their land, so hopefully the fun can resume tomorrow. See you then!
In yesterday's reading, the cities of central Palestine -- Jericho and Ai -- were conquered. Today, the Israelites take on the rest of the country and have remarkable success in their endeavors. Chapter 10 retells the conquest of southern Palestine, ending in the deaths of five powerful kings. They flee to a cave, where they are found by Joshua, who urges his troops to "come forward and put your feet on the necks of these kings" (Joshua 10:24). Well, that's kind of weird! After the Israelites use the kings' necks as ottomans, they are hung on gibbets and left out until the end of the day.
The battles continue in rather unremarkable fashion, the Israelites conducting themselves with the same merciless brutality we saw in yesterday's reading. They are really huge jerks! Based on a reference to Joshua's age a the beginning of chapter 13, we can determine that these conquests take about five years, during which almost all the previous inhabitants of Palestine are killed. Certain tribes or ethnic groups do survive, but are permitted to exist only as slaves to the tribes. Ughhhh. It's too cruel. They are like 16th century explorers or colonizers or something. As Rudyard Kipling might say, take up the white man's burden, Israel! History needs more self-entitled assholes!
Many of these conquests end with the allotment of certain territories to certain tribes, an occasion that is usually completely indecipherable to me since I don't actually know the geography of ancient Palestine and can't envision where these places are. For your benefit, I will provide a map. The first is an old one and is really cool looking but not particularly useful; the second was made on someone's computer and is therefore less cool but will give you a good idea of where everyone wound up living:
On the right you can see the tribes of Gad, Reuben, and half of Manasseh; these are the groups that wanted to settle on the other bank of the Jordan River. You may also notice that Simeon's territory is rather small, and contained within Judah's. This is because the tribe of Simeon diminished substantially over the years, and was in fact not even mentioned in Moses's blessing at the end of Deuteronomy.
Another point of interest is the fact that the Josephites (Manasseh and Ephraim) seem to have a huge amount of land! This doesn't have to do with them being a bigger tribe so much as it has to do with them being SELF-ENTITLED LITTLE BITCHES like their founder before them! After receiving their share of land they appeal to Joshua: "Why have you given us only one lot and one share as our holding? We are a numerous people; so far the Lord has blessed us" (Joshua 17:14). Joshua responds that if they want more land they should go into the hills and take it for themselves, but they persist with their bitching and whining, saying that "the hill country is not enough for us" (Joshua 17:16). Joshua agrees and permits them to expel the Canaanites from the hill country and surrounding area, giving credibility to the old adage: "If at first you don't succeed, complain."
Another noteworthy observation: the Israelites are mentioned, on a few occasions, to be unable to conquer an area! These failures are mentioned briefly, and seem insignificant, but if God is unequivocally on the side of the Jews, why the heck does this happen?
I will draw this entry to a close now, since these chapters were truly not very interesting and I think I've milked them for all they are worth. I spent the majority of the reading looking for funny names, some of which I will share right now: for funny cities, we had Ashdod, Dumah, Humtah, Sores, and Baalath-beer. For funny names we had Jobab. Also making an appearance was Mount Carmel, which serves as a boundary line for the Asherite territory and is significant because it was my age group at Jew camp! We were Carmel! The big kids were Galil, Halutzeem, and, uhhh... Haifa? I don't really remember. All I know is that because we were the youngest group they assumed we were also stupid, and our group chant was terrible. Everyone else got a neat song, but we just had to stand up in front of everyone and go, "Carmel's gonna get ya, gonna get ya!" over and over. It was terrible. I'm still mad about it.
In spite of evoking these memories, these chapters were not entirely useless. We got some important logistics out of the way, dividing the tribes into their land, so hopefully the fun can resume tomorrow. See you then!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Day 18, Deuteronomy 32-34, Joshua 1-9
Today we finish up the Torah and begin the Book of Joshua, which I'm delighted to say seems to contain STORYTIME rather than laws. Not that I can complain about all the law, since yesterday's reading was quite satisfactory.
The last few chapters of Deuteronomy reminded me a lot of the end of Genesis; just as Jacob blessed his twelve sons, Moses conducts a similar blessing for the twelve tribes descended from these sons. In chapter 34, Moses goes up to the top of Mount Nebo, a mountain in Moab, and looks out at the promised land before he dies. This is kind of sad! The narrative tells us to "remember the strong hand of Moses and the awesome deeds which he did in the sight of all of Israel" (Deut 34:12). Will do! Moses was indeed pretty awesome, well put, bible.
Meanwhile, back in the lowlands, Joshua has assumed his post as Moses's successor and prepares to enter Canaan. He addresses the people who swear their loyalty, saying, "As we obeyed Moses in all things, so shall we obey you" (Joshua 1:17). Oh man. Maybe you guys should try to obey Joshua a little better than you obeyed Moses? Just a suggestion.
In chapter 2, Joshua sends two spies to reconnaitre the land (SAT word alert, take note!). These two spies arrive at the house of a prostitute named Rahab, who allows them to spend the night. Rahab turns out to be a very noble prostitute indeed, because soon after their arrival the King of Jericho shows up with his troops and asks if she has seen any Israelites around. She lies to protect them, and the troops continue on their way. As thanks, the two spies promise Rahab that her family will be spared when they start killing everyone like the assholes they are.
In chapter 3 the Israelites traverse the Jordan, their crossing reminiscent of when they crossed the Red Sea in Exodus. Then in chapter 4, they set up twelve memorial stones to commemorate their entry into the promised land. There is some inconsistency about where these stones are placed; the account first puts them at a place called Gilgal, then later says they were also put in the middle of the Jordan River.
In chapter 5, God instructs Joshua to "fashion knives out of flint, and make Israel a circumcised people again" (Joshua 5:2). Oh no! This is going to hurt! According to the narrative, the Egyptian-born Israelites were circumcised, but neglected to perform the rite on their children born in the wilderness. Thus, the whole community had to undergo this ritual together, causing the encampment to be renamed Gibeath-haaraloth, hill of the foreskins. It seems like I must be joking here, BUT I'M NOT!
Chapter 5 also marks the end of manna eating! The Jews finally get to taste the produce of Canaan. Awesome.
In chapter 6, the Israelites begin their rather gruesome campaign of burning up all the local cities. Their first siege is the town of Jericho, which they conquer by marching around it every day for seven days; at the end of this period the walls collapse and the Israelite army can enter the city, where they kill everyone inside except Rahab, the noble prostitute. Joshua warns the tribes not to take any of the silver or gold for themselves, as these goods "belong to the Lord and must go into his treasury" (Joshua 6:19). I feel compelled to raise the question, why does God need money? Being all-powerful and without physical form, it's not like he's going to walk into a store and buy a Rolex or something.
In spite of Joshua's warnings, the Israelites remain their disobedient, mentally challenged selves, and immediately after the siege do something "perfidious." Man, isn't this vocab great? Perfidious, by the way, means "deceitful and untrustworthy," and the fellow guilty of perfidious behavior is a young Judahite named Achan, who decides to take some of the gold from the battle for himself. However, this sin has immediate repercussions; when the Israelites proceed to attack the next city on their list, a town called Ai, they are struck down by Amorite forces. Only thirty-six of them die, which doesn't seem like much since the population of Jews supposedly equals the number of stars in the sky, but Joshua freaks out and asks God, "What can I say, now that Israel has been routed by the enemy?" (Joshua 7:8). God lets Joshua in on the perfidious behavior that has been going on behind his back, and the community stones Achan to death. The curse is lifted, and the Israelites triumph once again over Ai!
This event is detailed in chapter 8, where the tribes construct a rather clever ruse to win the battle. They divide their army into two groups, the first of which hides while the second group stands at the city gates. When the Amorites attacks the second group, they pretend to flee, drawing the Amorites away from Ai and allowing the first group to go in and start burning everything up. At this point, the groups converge and are able to overtake the Amorite army.
Something of interest to me was that the Israelites do not actually intend to live in these cities, or derive any practical use from them. They just want to kill everyone and light stuff on fire! What assholes!
By chapter 9, news of these attacks have spread across the nation, and the populaces of the remaining nearby cities come up with a plan to save themselves. The people dress up as old beggars and approach the Israelite camp, claiming to have come from a distant land. They ask to settle in Canaan, and perhaps because of previous divine instruction to be nice to aliens, the Israelites consent and make an oath of peace.
When the Israelites find out the truth, it is already too late. They decide that the people will become slaves of the tribes, but will not be put to death. Well that's just swell!
That wraps things up for today. Tomorrow we can expect more bloody conquest, and I'm not sure what else. Whatever happens, I'm sure it'll be GREAT.
Until then!
The last few chapters of Deuteronomy reminded me a lot of the end of Genesis; just as Jacob blessed his twelve sons, Moses conducts a similar blessing for the twelve tribes descended from these sons. In chapter 34, Moses goes up to the top of Mount Nebo, a mountain in Moab, and looks out at the promised land before he dies. This is kind of sad! The narrative tells us to "remember the strong hand of Moses and the awesome deeds which he did in the sight of all of Israel" (Deut 34:12). Will do! Moses was indeed pretty awesome, well put, bible.
Meanwhile, back in the lowlands, Joshua has assumed his post as Moses's successor and prepares to enter Canaan. He addresses the people who swear their loyalty, saying, "As we obeyed Moses in all things, so shall we obey you" (Joshua 1:17). Oh man. Maybe you guys should try to obey Joshua a little better than you obeyed Moses? Just a suggestion.
In chapter 2, Joshua sends two spies to reconnaitre the land (SAT word alert, take note!). These two spies arrive at the house of a prostitute named Rahab, who allows them to spend the night. Rahab turns out to be a very noble prostitute indeed, because soon after their arrival the King of Jericho shows up with his troops and asks if she has seen any Israelites around. She lies to protect them, and the troops continue on their way. As thanks, the two spies promise Rahab that her family will be spared when they start killing everyone like the assholes they are.
In chapter 3 the Israelites traverse the Jordan, their crossing reminiscent of when they crossed the Red Sea in Exodus. Then in chapter 4, they set up twelve memorial stones to commemorate their entry into the promised land. There is some inconsistency about where these stones are placed; the account first puts them at a place called Gilgal, then later says they were also put in the middle of the Jordan River.
In chapter 5, God instructs Joshua to "fashion knives out of flint, and make Israel a circumcised people again" (Joshua 5:2). Oh no! This is going to hurt! According to the narrative, the Egyptian-born Israelites were circumcised, but neglected to perform the rite on their children born in the wilderness. Thus, the whole community had to undergo this ritual together, causing the encampment to be renamed Gibeath-haaraloth, hill of the foreskins. It seems like I must be joking here, BUT I'M NOT!
Chapter 5 also marks the end of manna eating! The Jews finally get to taste the produce of Canaan. Awesome.
In chapter 6, the Israelites begin their rather gruesome campaign of burning up all the local cities. Their first siege is the town of Jericho, which they conquer by marching around it every day for seven days; at the end of this period the walls collapse and the Israelite army can enter the city, where they kill everyone inside except Rahab, the noble prostitute. Joshua warns the tribes not to take any of the silver or gold for themselves, as these goods "belong to the Lord and must go into his treasury" (Joshua 6:19). I feel compelled to raise the question, why does God need money? Being all-powerful and without physical form, it's not like he's going to walk into a store and buy a Rolex or something.
In spite of Joshua's warnings, the Israelites remain their disobedient, mentally challenged selves, and immediately after the siege do something "perfidious." Man, isn't this vocab great? Perfidious, by the way, means "deceitful and untrustworthy," and the fellow guilty of perfidious behavior is a young Judahite named Achan, who decides to take some of the gold from the battle for himself. However, this sin has immediate repercussions; when the Israelites proceed to attack the next city on their list, a town called Ai, they are struck down by Amorite forces. Only thirty-six of them die, which doesn't seem like much since the population of Jews supposedly equals the number of stars in the sky, but Joshua freaks out and asks God, "What can I say, now that Israel has been routed by the enemy?" (Joshua 7:8). God lets Joshua in on the perfidious behavior that has been going on behind his back, and the community stones Achan to death. The curse is lifted, and the Israelites triumph once again over Ai!
This event is detailed in chapter 8, where the tribes construct a rather clever ruse to win the battle. They divide their army into two groups, the first of which hides while the second group stands at the city gates. When the Amorites attacks the second group, they pretend to flee, drawing the Amorites away from Ai and allowing the first group to go in and start burning everything up. At this point, the groups converge and are able to overtake the Amorite army.
Something of interest to me was that the Israelites do not actually intend to live in these cities, or derive any practical use from them. They just want to kill everyone and light stuff on fire! What assholes!
By chapter 9, news of these attacks have spread across the nation, and the populaces of the remaining nearby cities come up with a plan to save themselves. The people dress up as old beggars and approach the Israelite camp, claiming to have come from a distant land. They ask to settle in Canaan, and perhaps because of previous divine instruction to be nice to aliens, the Israelites consent and make an oath of peace.
When the Israelites find out the truth, it is already too late. They decide that the people will become slaves of the tribes, but will not be put to death. Well that's just swell!
That wraps things up for today. Tomorrow we can expect more bloody conquest, and I'm not sure what else. Whatever happens, I'm sure it'll be GREAT.
Until then!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Day 17, Deuteronomy 20-31
Today's reading was so golden that I'm not even sure how I'm going to get through it all without leaving out a few gems. Here I was, expecting pages upon pages of boring law about how to sacrifice goats, and instead I find some of the raunchiest material that the bible has had to offer so far! It's still law, sure, but law filled with sex, violence, and even the grand fusion of the two, sexual violence. Let's jump right in.
Chapter 20 provides instructions for how to conduct battle with both neighboring and distant cities. Certain men are exempt from the army: newlyweds, people who have recently planted vineyards (because wine is important), people who have just built a new house, and people who are afraid to fight. Before attacking a city the Israelites are supposed to make a peace offering, the terms of which are that "the town [will open] its gates to [the Israelites], then all the people who live there are to be put to forced labor and work" (Deut 20:11). Wow! What a swell peace offering! Of course, the alternative is not much better. If the city is distant, the army is to kill every man and take the women and livestock for themselves; if the city is nearby, the Israelites "must not leave a soul alive" (Deut 20:16). That's pretty brutal!
Chapters 21 through 25 comprise mostly civil and domestic laws in no particular logical arrangement. There's a lot of material here, so I will leave out a few of the more boring laws, drawing attention only to my favorites.
To begin, we have some stellar discourse on taking a prisoner of war as a wife: "When you go to battle against your enemies and the Lord your God delivers them into your hands and you take some of them captive, then if you see a comely woman among the prisoners and are attracted to her, you my take her as your wife" (Deut 21:11). Gotta love the phrasing of this... "Comely", what a great word! The law goes on to explain that this woman must stay in her prospective husband's house for a month, shave her head, pare her nails, and mourn her dead parents. After that the man is free to take her as a wife, but if he changes his mind (maybe he realized that she wasn't as cute bald as she was with hair) he must set her free. That's kooky!
Another law explains that if a man has two sons, the elder from his unloved wife and the younger from his loved wife, he must still respect the rights of the oldest and give him the greater share of the property. Someone should have told this to Jacob!
After this, we are advised on how to deal with unruly children: "When a man has a son who is rebellious and out of control, who does not obey his father and mother, or take heed when they punish him, then his father and mother are to lay hold of him and bring him out to the elders of the town gate, and say, 'This son of ours is rebellious and out of control; he will not obey us, he is a wastrel and a drunkard.' Then all the men of the town must stone him to death" (Deut 21:20-21). Man, do I ever love the cute little dialogues that Moses puts in his discourses. I was thinking, for a guy who described himself as a bad public speaker back in Exodus, he has really taken this role in stride. He is an inspiration to all of us with lisps.
That being said, what a brutal law this is! I guess the whole idea of loving the prodigal son in spite of his transgressions was an innovation of Jesus's time. Back in the early days, people were more into stoning the prodigal son to death.
Chapter 22 opens with a rather nice few lines about how if your neighbor loses his goat or cloak or Nintendo, you are supposed to return it. How pleasant! Then it goes on to denounce crossdressers, saying "no woman may wear an article of man's clothing, nor may a man put on a woman's dress" (Deut 22:5). Sorry Boy George. That's tough.
This chapter also contains some really random laws which, according to the footnotes, do not have a known origin. These include not sowing two kinds of seed between vine rows, plowing a field with a donkey and ox yoked together, and wearing clothes woven with two kinds of yarn. Well, okay. Whatever you say, God.
Next we get to some good raunchy stuff. If a woman gets married and her husband "turns against her and brings trumped-up charges against her, giving her a bad name and saying, 'I took this woman and slept with her and did not find proof of virginity in her,' then the girl's father and mother should take the proof of her virginity to the elders of the town at the town gate" (Deut 22:14-15). According to the footnotes, the "proof of virginity" is the bloodstained sheet. Ew! Goddamnit, this is so intrusive and inappropriate!
Incidentally, if proof of virginity can be found, the man must pay a fine and is forbidden to divorce his wife (great, because I'm sure she really wants to stay married to him at this point). If it cannot be found, the girl must be stoned to death!
On a related note, when a man sleeps with a married woman, both are to be put to death. More remarkably, when a woman is raped in the city, she and her assaulter are to be stoned to death. However, if a woman is raped in the countryside, only the attacker is to be stoned to death. The logic of this is that in the city, a woman can cry for help, whereas in the country help is less accessible. What perfect logic!
This section ends with a brief reminder not to have sex with your mom, however much your Freudian psyche wants it. Good to know.
Chapter 23 is mostly about congregation membership and hygiene. For instance, "no man whose testicles have been crushed or whose organ has been cut off may become a member of the assembly of the Lord" (Deut 23:1). Quite frankly, if my "organ" had been cut off I would have a lot bigger concerns than joining the assembly of the Lord.
This chapter also contains a rather lengthy description of how to properly poop in the woods, but neglects to mention the importance of not wiping with poison ivy!
Moses warns the people not to let Ammonites or Moabites into the Assembly of God, but he tells them that Edomites are okay -- even though the Edomites were total jerks to the Jews when they were wandering through the desert -- and also Egyptians! "Do not regard...an Egyptian [as an abomination], for you were aliens in his land" (23:7). What? I'm sorry, what? Egyptians are okay for the Jews to be pals with because they enslaved them? What?
There are also provisions for escaped slaves: "You must not surrender to his master a slave who has taken refuge with you" (Deut 23:15). Apparently this sort of custom was rare in Near Eastern cultures, and although the biblical story of Ham was used to justify slavery in Antebellum America -- even though it never actually mentions slaves -- no one ever took this law into account! Poor Jim. Poor Uncle Tom. Should have lived in biblical Palestine.
We are also informed that "no Israelite woman may become a temple prostitute, nor may an Israelite man" (Deut 23:17).
As you can see, this chapter is full of good stuff. Here's one final law that I enjoyed: "When you go into another man's vineyard, you may eat as many grapes as you wish to satisfy your hunger, but you many not put any into your basket" (Deut 23:24). This is totally the logic I use when I steal food from my landlady! Thanks for the support, Moses!
Chapter 24 lays out criteria for divorce and lending money, as well as the penalty for kidnapping (being stoned to death, comme d'habitude). There are quite a few provisions in here that protect the poor, such as the requirement that you leave behind leftover food in your field for the hungry to collect, which is nice. Chapter 25 returns to the realm of the scandalous, explaining the "levirate" marriage (the duty of the brother-in-law to procreate with his brother's widow if she is childless after her husband's death). Apparently, if the man does not comply with this tradition, the widow must "go up to him in the presence of the elders, pull his sandal off his foot, spit in his face, and declare: 'Thus we requite the man who will not build up his brother's family.' His family will be known in Israel as the house of the unsandalled man" (Deut 25:9-19).
Also of note: if a woman intervenes in a fight between two men and inadvertently "catches hold of the man by his genitals" (Deut 25:11), her hand must be cut off! Jesus Christ!
Chapter 26, the last chapter of laws, consists of boring stuff about offering fruit and "tithes" to God. Then in chapter 27, Moses begins his final discourse by dividing the tribes into groups of six and assigning the two groups to different mountains. The first six are to recite a list of blessings, while the second group recites a list of curses. As per usual, we start with the blessings and hear about all the nice things that will happen to the Israelites if they obey the covenant. Then, just when we're starting to feel like this God guy is pretty cool, we shift over to the curses and are reminded that he is, in fact, A SCARY MOTHERFUCKER!!!! We are told that the disobedient Israelites, reduced to dire straits, will "eat [their] own children, the flesh of [the] sons and daughters whom the Lord... has given [them]" (Deut 28:53). This is further emphasized with the description of a "delicately bred and sensitive woman...[who] will not share with her own husband or her son or her daughter the afterbirth which she expels, or any boy or girl that she may bear. During the siege she herself will eat them secretly in her extreme want" (Deut 28:56-57). Holy shit! This is disgusting! I'll definitely follow all your weird rules if this is the consequence, God!
In chapters 29 and 30 Moses wraps up this part of the sermon by urging the Israelites to be well-behaved, reminding them that they have a choice between the blessing and the curse and that if they choose the former "God will circumcise [their] hearts and the hearts of [their] descendants, so that [they] will love him with all [their] heart and soul and [they] will live" (Deut 30:6). Circumcise their hearts? What a metaphor! In chapter 31 Moses announces to the people that he will not be able to continue with them to the promised land; he is one hundred and twenty years old, and God has decided that his time has come to die. He takes aside Joshua, his successor, and tells him, in essence, to be tough, because the Israelites are a real piece of work. The Lennon and McCartney of biblical times, he and Joshua proceed to pen a little song that the Jews can sing, to remind them of their promise. He also provides Joshua with a written list of all the laws, for future reference.
Quite unfortunately, today's reading does not contain the lyrics of the song; we must wait until tomorrow for that. Tomorrow will also take us to the end of Deuteronomy, and likewise we can expect that Moses will die. This is a bummer! Although Moses was not the perfect leader, we have been following his activity for three whole books and I profess I will miss him a little. Compared to Genesis, where the most exposure we got to a character was ten chapters, we have really gotten to know him. I will be sad to see him go.
On the other hand, this should not obscure anyone's joy at the progress we are making! Tomorrow we will finish with the Torah, that is pretty darn cool.
Chapter 20 provides instructions for how to conduct battle with both neighboring and distant cities. Certain men are exempt from the army: newlyweds, people who have recently planted vineyards (because wine is important), people who have just built a new house, and people who are afraid to fight. Before attacking a city the Israelites are supposed to make a peace offering, the terms of which are that "the town [will open] its gates to [the Israelites], then all the people who live there are to be put to forced labor and work" (Deut 20:11). Wow! What a swell peace offering! Of course, the alternative is not much better. If the city is distant, the army is to kill every man and take the women and livestock for themselves; if the city is nearby, the Israelites "must not leave a soul alive" (Deut 20:16). That's pretty brutal!
Chapters 21 through 25 comprise mostly civil and domestic laws in no particular logical arrangement. There's a lot of material here, so I will leave out a few of the more boring laws, drawing attention only to my favorites.
To begin, we have some stellar discourse on taking a prisoner of war as a wife: "When you go to battle against your enemies and the Lord your God delivers them into your hands and you take some of them captive, then if you see a comely woman among the prisoners and are attracted to her, you my take her as your wife" (Deut 21:11). Gotta love the phrasing of this... "Comely", what a great word! The law goes on to explain that this woman must stay in her prospective husband's house for a month, shave her head, pare her nails, and mourn her dead parents. After that the man is free to take her as a wife, but if he changes his mind (maybe he realized that she wasn't as cute bald as she was with hair) he must set her free. That's kooky!
Another law explains that if a man has two sons, the elder from his unloved wife and the younger from his loved wife, he must still respect the rights of the oldest and give him the greater share of the property. Someone should have told this to Jacob!
After this, we are advised on how to deal with unruly children: "When a man has a son who is rebellious and out of control, who does not obey his father and mother, or take heed when they punish him, then his father and mother are to lay hold of him and bring him out to the elders of the town gate, and say, 'This son of ours is rebellious and out of control; he will not obey us, he is a wastrel and a drunkard.' Then all the men of the town must stone him to death" (Deut 21:20-21). Man, do I ever love the cute little dialogues that Moses puts in his discourses. I was thinking, for a guy who described himself as a bad public speaker back in Exodus, he has really taken this role in stride. He is an inspiration to all of us with lisps.
That being said, what a brutal law this is! I guess the whole idea of loving the prodigal son in spite of his transgressions was an innovation of Jesus's time. Back in the early days, people were more into stoning the prodigal son to death.
Chapter 22 opens with a rather nice few lines about how if your neighbor loses his goat or cloak or Nintendo, you are supposed to return it. How pleasant! Then it goes on to denounce crossdressers, saying "no woman may wear an article of man's clothing, nor may a man put on a woman's dress" (Deut 22:5). Sorry Boy George. That's tough.
This chapter also contains some really random laws which, according to the footnotes, do not have a known origin. These include not sowing two kinds of seed between vine rows, plowing a field with a donkey and ox yoked together, and wearing clothes woven with two kinds of yarn. Well, okay. Whatever you say, God.
Next we get to some good raunchy stuff. If a woman gets married and her husband "turns against her and brings trumped-up charges against her, giving her a bad name and saying, 'I took this woman and slept with her and did not find proof of virginity in her,' then the girl's father and mother should take the proof of her virginity to the elders of the town at the town gate" (Deut 22:14-15). According to the footnotes, the "proof of virginity" is the bloodstained sheet. Ew! Goddamnit, this is so intrusive and inappropriate!
Incidentally, if proof of virginity can be found, the man must pay a fine and is forbidden to divorce his wife (great, because I'm sure she really wants to stay married to him at this point). If it cannot be found, the girl must be stoned to death!
On a related note, when a man sleeps with a married woman, both are to be put to death. More remarkably, when a woman is raped in the city, she and her assaulter are to be stoned to death. However, if a woman is raped in the countryside, only the attacker is to be stoned to death. The logic of this is that in the city, a woman can cry for help, whereas in the country help is less accessible. What perfect logic!
This section ends with a brief reminder not to have sex with your mom, however much your Freudian psyche wants it. Good to know.
Chapter 23 is mostly about congregation membership and hygiene. For instance, "no man whose testicles have been crushed or whose organ has been cut off may become a member of the assembly of the Lord" (Deut 23:1). Quite frankly, if my "organ" had been cut off I would have a lot bigger concerns than joining the assembly of the Lord.
This chapter also contains a rather lengthy description of how to properly poop in the woods, but neglects to mention the importance of not wiping with poison ivy!
Moses warns the people not to let Ammonites or Moabites into the Assembly of God, but he tells them that Edomites are okay -- even though the Edomites were total jerks to the Jews when they were wandering through the desert -- and also Egyptians! "Do not regard...an Egyptian [as an abomination], for you were aliens in his land" (23:7). What? I'm sorry, what? Egyptians are okay for the Jews to be pals with because they enslaved them? What?
There are also provisions for escaped slaves: "You must not surrender to his master a slave who has taken refuge with you" (Deut 23:15). Apparently this sort of custom was rare in Near Eastern cultures, and although the biblical story of Ham was used to justify slavery in Antebellum America -- even though it never actually mentions slaves -- no one ever took this law into account! Poor Jim. Poor Uncle Tom. Should have lived in biblical Palestine.
We are also informed that "no Israelite woman may become a temple prostitute, nor may an Israelite man" (Deut 23:17).
As you can see, this chapter is full of good stuff. Here's one final law that I enjoyed: "When you go into another man's vineyard, you may eat as many grapes as you wish to satisfy your hunger, but you many not put any into your basket" (Deut 23:24). This is totally the logic I use when I steal food from my landlady! Thanks for the support, Moses!
Chapter 24 lays out criteria for divorce and lending money, as well as the penalty for kidnapping (being stoned to death, comme d'habitude). There are quite a few provisions in here that protect the poor, such as the requirement that you leave behind leftover food in your field for the hungry to collect, which is nice. Chapter 25 returns to the realm of the scandalous, explaining the "levirate" marriage (the duty of the brother-in-law to procreate with his brother's widow if she is childless after her husband's death). Apparently, if the man does not comply with this tradition, the widow must "go up to him in the presence of the elders, pull his sandal off his foot, spit in his face, and declare: 'Thus we requite the man who will not build up his brother's family.' His family will be known in Israel as the house of the unsandalled man" (Deut 25:9-19).
Also of note: if a woman intervenes in a fight between two men and inadvertently "catches hold of the man by his genitals" (Deut 25:11), her hand must be cut off! Jesus Christ!
Chapter 26, the last chapter of laws, consists of boring stuff about offering fruit and "tithes" to God. Then in chapter 27, Moses begins his final discourse by dividing the tribes into groups of six and assigning the two groups to different mountains. The first six are to recite a list of blessings, while the second group recites a list of curses. As per usual, we start with the blessings and hear about all the nice things that will happen to the Israelites if they obey the covenant. Then, just when we're starting to feel like this God guy is pretty cool, we shift over to the curses and are reminded that he is, in fact, A SCARY MOTHERFUCKER!!!! We are told that the disobedient Israelites, reduced to dire straits, will "eat [their] own children, the flesh of [the] sons and daughters whom the Lord... has given [them]" (Deut 28:53). This is further emphasized with the description of a "delicately bred and sensitive woman...[who] will not share with her own husband or her son or her daughter the afterbirth which she expels, or any boy or girl that she may bear. During the siege she herself will eat them secretly in her extreme want" (Deut 28:56-57). Holy shit! This is disgusting! I'll definitely follow all your weird rules if this is the consequence, God!
In chapters 29 and 30 Moses wraps up this part of the sermon by urging the Israelites to be well-behaved, reminding them that they have a choice between the blessing and the curse and that if they choose the former "God will circumcise [their] hearts and the hearts of [their] descendants, so that [they] will love him with all [their] heart and soul and [they] will live" (Deut 30:6). Circumcise their hearts? What a metaphor! In chapter 31 Moses announces to the people that he will not be able to continue with them to the promised land; he is one hundred and twenty years old, and God has decided that his time has come to die. He takes aside Joshua, his successor, and tells him, in essence, to be tough, because the Israelites are a real piece of work. The Lennon and McCartney of biblical times, he and Joshua proceed to pen a little song that the Jews can sing, to remind them of their promise. He also provides Joshua with a written list of all the laws, for future reference.
Quite unfortunately, today's reading does not contain the lyrics of the song; we must wait until tomorrow for that. Tomorrow will also take us to the end of Deuteronomy, and likewise we can expect that Moses will die. This is a bummer! Although Moses was not the perfect leader, we have been following his activity for three whole books and I profess I will miss him a little. Compared to Genesis, where the most exposure we got to a character was ten chapters, we have really gotten to know him. I will be sad to see him go.
On the other hand, this should not obscure anyone's joy at the progress we are making! Tomorrow we will finish with the Torah, that is pretty darn cool.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Day 16, Deuteronomy 8-19
Today's reading includes the rest of Moses's second discourse to the Israelites, which is mostly a summary of the journey to the promised land along with an assortment of laws, most of which we've already heard.
Chapter 8 opens with Moses's imploration (yes that's a word I looked it up on thesaurus.com!) that the Israelites remain loyal to their God even as they enjoy the fruits of Canaan. He reminds them of when they were hungry in the wilderness and God provided them with manna, "to teach [them] that people cannot live on bread alone, but that they live on every word that comes from the mouth of God" (Deut 8:3). Spoiler alert: Jesus says this later, when he meets the devil in the wilderness. What the fuck, man, I thought he made it up! I am really pissed about this, it was such a bomb line for the situation. I guess academic integrity isn't one of the ten commandments!! You copycat, Jesus!
Moses also lets the Israelites know that while God's actions may have seemed at times cruel and unprecedented, he was actually "disciplining [them] as a father disciplines his son" (Deut 8:5). Ah yes. How this hearkens to the days of my youth, when my father set me on fire and caused the earth to open up and swallow me, in the name of discipline. Spare the rod and spoil the child, as they say!
In chapter 9, Moses talks about the current inhabitants of Canaan, "a great and tall people, the descendants of the Anakim" (9:2). Anakim Skywalker? Wow! Awesome! Moses tells the Jews that they will be able to conquer these people, but as they eagerly reach for their light sabers, he bids them to remember "it is not because of your merit or your integrity that you are entering their land to occupy it; it is because of the wickedness of these nations that the Lord your God is driving them out before you" (Deut 9:5). Moses goes on to elaborate on how whiny and stubborn the Israelites have been to further emphasize that they are no great shakes themselves. These reminiscences last for a few chapters, since Moses has a lot of quality examples of the Jews's inappropriate behavior over the past forty years. As he reminisces, he simultaneously urges the Israelites to conduct themselves better and to "love the Lord your God and keep for all time the charge he laid upon you" (Deut 11:1).
Chapter 12 contains another reiteration of the countless laws we've learned throughout Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers. Most of this is old hat for us diligent readers, but this section is notable for some amusing phrasing: "When the Lord your God enlarges your territory, as he has promised, and you say to yourselves, 'I should like to eat meat,' because you have a craving for it, then you may freely eat it." (Deut 12:20). I just love the NARRATIVE STRUCTURE. It's like Moses is trying to make his laws more lively because he knows we're getting bored. Look, there's dialogue! There's motivation! And a happy ending! What a great law this is.
Moses also warns the Israelites not to partake in human sacrifice like the other tribes inhabiting Canaan, who burn "even their sons and their daughters...in honor of their gods" (Deut 12:31). Intense!
Chapter 13 is about prophets, and I thought it was great. Basically, God warns against false prophets and diviners, saying "Should a prophet or a pedlar of dreams appear among you and offer you a sign or a portent, and call on you to go after other gods whom you have not known and to worship them, even if the sign or portent should come true do not heed the words of that prophet or dreamer" (Deut 13:1-3). In other words, don't accept proof! God explains that these phenomena are just tests through which God will discover "whether you love him with all your heart and soul" (Deut 13:3), and the false prophet "must be put to death for preaching rebellion against the Lord your God who brought you out of Egypt and redeemed you from that land of slavery" (Deut 13:5). Geez God, can you stop bringing up that you brought the Jews out of Egypt every other sentence? Got a little inferiority complex going on there?
The reason I loved this section so much is because it totally sets a precedent for religious whackjobs that persists into the modern day. Evolution? Psh, it's just one of God's tests!
Chapter 14 talks about conduct for mourning -- Jews are not to "gash [themselves] or shave [their] forelocks...for the dead" (Deut 14:1) -- and also repeats an assortment of dietary laws. Chapter 15 concerns the "jubilee" or sabbath year for the land, and provides guidelines on how to treat the poor. Moses begins this chapter by declaring that "there will never be any poor among you if only you obey the Lord your God" (Deut 15:4), then goes on a few lines later to say "the poor will always be with you in your land" (Deut 15:11). Evidently, Moses is either getting senile or has very little faith in the Jews's ability to be obedient!
Chapter 16 is about holidays, and since it is rather uninteresting I will take this moment to share a fun fact about Passover I learned from one of my textbooks! The traditional Passover rites were in fact very different from the Passover we celebrate today, with the holiday originally focused on the sacrifice of a ram. Today, Passover centers around a feast called a seder, which has its origins during the period of Hellenization and is actually quite reminiscent of a Greek symposium! It is likely that the traditions shifted as Jews became more dispersed throughout Europe and the Middle East, and it became impossible for them to make yearly pilgrimages to Jerusalem.
The more you know!
Chapter 17 talks about stoning wicked people to death and not to sacrifice rams with blemishes, basically the same old stuff we've seen over and over. It also addresses the issue of kings, stating that human kings must always be appointed by and subservient to God.
Chapter 18 returns to the subject of prophets. Moses explains that sometimes God will select someone to serve as his mouthpiece, and this person must be obeyed. On how to recognize a prophet, he says, "When a word spoken by a prophet in the name of the Lord is not fulfilled and does not come true, it is not a word spoken by the Lord. The prophet has spoken presumptuously; have no fear of him" (Deut 18:22). But what if it does come true and is a test?! What the hell kind of useless information is this, Moses?
Chapter 19 restates the rules about cities of refuge and elaborates a bit on how the judicial system is to work. In order for someone to be convicted, there must be evidence from more than one witness, and if someone is caught giving false evidence he must be "treat[ed]...as he intended to treat his fellow" (Deut 19:19). According to Moses, we "must show no mercy" (Deut 19:21)! Okay! Good to know!
That just about wraps things up. Tomorrow takes us almost to the end of Deuteronomy, and on Wednesday we will embark on the Book of Joshua. Hopefully after this, we will get more storytime and less law!
I wanted to thank everyone who has been reading along and leaving comments. Blogger doesn't let me reply to them directly, which is annoying, but I wanted everyone to know that I read them all and I really appreciate getting them! You guys are the best!
Chapter 8 opens with Moses's imploration (yes that's a word I looked it up on thesaurus.com!) that the Israelites remain loyal to their God even as they enjoy the fruits of Canaan. He reminds them of when they were hungry in the wilderness and God provided them with manna, "to teach [them] that people cannot live on bread alone, but that they live on every word that comes from the mouth of God" (Deut 8:3). Spoiler alert: Jesus says this later, when he meets the devil in the wilderness. What the fuck, man, I thought he made it up! I am really pissed about this, it was such a bomb line for the situation. I guess academic integrity isn't one of the ten commandments!! You copycat, Jesus!
Moses also lets the Israelites know that while God's actions may have seemed at times cruel and unprecedented, he was actually "disciplining [them] as a father disciplines his son" (Deut 8:5). Ah yes. How this hearkens to the days of my youth, when my father set me on fire and caused the earth to open up and swallow me, in the name of discipline. Spare the rod and spoil the child, as they say!
In chapter 9, Moses talks about the current inhabitants of Canaan, "a great and tall people, the descendants of the Anakim" (9:2). Anakim Skywalker? Wow! Awesome! Moses tells the Jews that they will be able to conquer these people, but as they eagerly reach for their light sabers, he bids them to remember "it is not because of your merit or your integrity that you are entering their land to occupy it; it is because of the wickedness of these nations that the Lord your God is driving them out before you" (Deut 9:5). Moses goes on to elaborate on how whiny and stubborn the Israelites have been to further emphasize that they are no great shakes themselves. These reminiscences last for a few chapters, since Moses has a lot of quality examples of the Jews's inappropriate behavior over the past forty years. As he reminisces, he simultaneously urges the Israelites to conduct themselves better and to "love the Lord your God and keep for all time the charge he laid upon you" (Deut 11:1).
Chapter 12 contains another reiteration of the countless laws we've learned throughout Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers. Most of this is old hat for us diligent readers, but this section is notable for some amusing phrasing: "When the Lord your God enlarges your territory, as he has promised, and you say to yourselves, 'I should like to eat meat,' because you have a craving for it, then you may freely eat it." (Deut 12:20). I just love the NARRATIVE STRUCTURE. It's like Moses is trying to make his laws more lively because he knows we're getting bored. Look, there's dialogue! There's motivation! And a happy ending! What a great law this is.
Moses also warns the Israelites not to partake in human sacrifice like the other tribes inhabiting Canaan, who burn "even their sons and their daughters...in honor of their gods" (Deut 12:31). Intense!
Chapter 13 is about prophets, and I thought it was great. Basically, God warns against false prophets and diviners, saying "Should a prophet or a pedlar of dreams appear among you and offer you a sign or a portent, and call on you to go after other gods whom you have not known and to worship them, even if the sign or portent should come true do not heed the words of that prophet or dreamer" (Deut 13:1-3). In other words, don't accept proof! God explains that these phenomena are just tests through which God will discover "whether you love him with all your heart and soul" (Deut 13:3), and the false prophet "must be put to death for preaching rebellion against the Lord your God who brought you out of Egypt and redeemed you from that land of slavery" (Deut 13:5). Geez God, can you stop bringing up that you brought the Jews out of Egypt every other sentence? Got a little inferiority complex going on there?
The reason I loved this section so much is because it totally sets a precedent for religious whackjobs that persists into the modern day. Evolution? Psh, it's just one of God's tests!
Chapter 14 talks about conduct for mourning -- Jews are not to "gash [themselves] or shave [their] forelocks...for the dead" (Deut 14:1) -- and also repeats an assortment of dietary laws. Chapter 15 concerns the "jubilee" or sabbath year for the land, and provides guidelines on how to treat the poor. Moses begins this chapter by declaring that "there will never be any poor among you if only you obey the Lord your God" (Deut 15:4), then goes on a few lines later to say "the poor will always be with you in your land" (Deut 15:11). Evidently, Moses is either getting senile or has very little faith in the Jews's ability to be obedient!
Chapter 16 is about holidays, and since it is rather uninteresting I will take this moment to share a fun fact about Passover I learned from one of my textbooks! The traditional Passover rites were in fact very different from the Passover we celebrate today, with the holiday originally focused on the sacrifice of a ram. Today, Passover centers around a feast called a seder, which has its origins during the period of Hellenization and is actually quite reminiscent of a Greek symposium! It is likely that the traditions shifted as Jews became more dispersed throughout Europe and the Middle East, and it became impossible for them to make yearly pilgrimages to Jerusalem.
The more you know!
Chapter 17 talks about stoning wicked people to death and not to sacrifice rams with blemishes, basically the same old stuff we've seen over and over. It also addresses the issue of kings, stating that human kings must always be appointed by and subservient to God.
Chapter 18 returns to the subject of prophets. Moses explains that sometimes God will select someone to serve as his mouthpiece, and this person must be obeyed. On how to recognize a prophet, he says, "When a word spoken by a prophet in the name of the Lord is not fulfilled and does not come true, it is not a word spoken by the Lord. The prophet has spoken presumptuously; have no fear of him" (Deut 18:22). But what if it does come true and is a test?! What the hell kind of useless information is this, Moses?
Chapter 19 restates the rules about cities of refuge and elaborates a bit on how the judicial system is to work. In order for someone to be convicted, there must be evidence from more than one witness, and if someone is caught giving false evidence he must be "treat[ed]...as he intended to treat his fellow" (Deut 19:19). According to Moses, we "must show no mercy" (Deut 19:21)! Okay! Good to know!
That just about wraps things up. Tomorrow takes us almost to the end of Deuteronomy, and on Wednesday we will embark on the Book of Joshua. Hopefully after this, we will get more storytime and less law!
I wanted to thank everyone who has been reading along and leaving comments. Blogger doesn't let me reply to them directly, which is annoying, but I wanted everyone to know that I read them all and I really appreciate getting them! You guys are the best!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Day 15, Numbers 34-36, Deuteronomy 1-7
Good morning, and happy Sunday. If you don't mind, I would like to take a moment to reflect on some sad events in my own life before beginning today's entry, and perhaps raise some discussion questions. Today, I am distressed to say, is an hour of solemn mourning for all of Giants Nation, because our noble and valiant baseball team has fallen from contention. We will not be making the playoffs.
Why, you may be asking, do I have the gall to bring up this completely unrelated event instead of doing my job and talking about the bible? Well, this tragic circumstance got me thinking. It is so easy for those of us who consider ourselves atheists, agnostic, or otherwise rational thinkers to pass harsh judgment on people with religious convictions. We examine this text and see the contradictions, the absurdities, and we scoff at them. But today I wonder, how different are we? After all, I believed passionately that this moribund and hapless group of ball players might string together enough wins to capture their division and defend their World Series Championship -- even as evidence repeatedly showed me it was not to be. I think that everyone must hold some sort of bizarre and nonsensical conviction that gives them comfort and helps them sleep at night. As long as these beliefs don't hurt anyone, I don't see a problem with it -- that's to say, Christians should refrain from starting Holy Wars, and I will refrain from hitting Dodgers fans on the head with a baseball bat.
With that being said, I'd like to pose the question: what do you believe in? Leave a comment and tell us about it! Is it crazy? That's okay. Don't worry about it. We still like you.
Onto the bible! Today's reading was somewhat uneventful, which makes me feel a little better about taking that self-indulgent prelude. In chapter 34, Moses explains the boundaries of the promised land, and gives instructions on how to take it. He picks a leader from each tribe who is to be in charge of assigning the territory, since God has decreed that Moses himself must die before the group enters Canaan.
Chapter 35 gives us some weird murder laws. Basically, certain murders -- like striking someone with iron or a "wooden thing" (Numbers 35:18) -- are immediately punishable by death, whereas more subjective deaths are subject to greater scrutiny. However, instead of a typical trial as we westernized readers might expect, the killer is instead instructed to go to a "city of refuge", where he will live until the high priest dies and is replaced. Then he's free to go. Um... Okay!
God wraps this section up by declaring to the people, "You must not defile your land by bloodshed. Blood defiles the land; no expiation can be made on behalf of the land for blood shed on it, except by the blood of him who shed it" (Numbers 35:33). Cool! Makes perfect sense! Since killing defiles the land, we should solve this problem by killing killers!
Chapter 37 concerns our gang of well-named heiress sisters from yesterday's reading: Mahlah, Tirzah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Noah. Everyone is nervous about them inheriting money, being women and all, so it is decreed that any woman who inherits money from a dead relative must marry within her tribe, so that inheritance cannot pass between the tribes. The girls oblige and all marry their cousins.
And thus ends the book of Numbers! Before we embark on Deuteronomy I will provide the cursory etymology. The word Deuteronomy means "second law" and apparently we should expect to see repetition of much of the legislation from Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers. Oh boy. Legislation is so fun, especially legislation we've already read. The majority of Deuteronomy is a series of first-person discourses that Moses makes to the people before his death.
Moses kicks off his first sermon by providing a lengthy and rather revisionist recap of the forty years spent in the wilderness; for instance, when he discusses the disloyal scouts he claims that the Israelites insisted upon sending them, rather than God. He also describes an event where the Israelites ignore God's command that they refrain from fighting the Amorites, who subsequently "[come] out against [them] and [swarm] after [them] like bees" (Deut 1:44). My bible's footnotes don't draw any attention to this, which makes me wonder... Did I miss something? I totally don't remember this happening!
Chapters 2 and 3 continue the summary, which I won't delve into because we've already read the books being discussed. Who wants to read a summary of a summary? I will say that I felt a little bad for Moses when he got to the part of the story where he appoints Joshua as his successor. He relates a conversation he had with God, where he pleaded, "Let me cross over, I beg, and see that good land which lies on the other side of the Jordan, and the fine hill-country and the Lebanon" (Deut 3:25). But God refuses his request, saying that he should instead "go to the top of Pisgah and look west and north, south and east; look well at what you see, for you will not cross this river Jordan" (Deut 3:27). Poor guy! He worked so hard on behalf of the whiny Israelites, and now he doesn't even get to see the fruit of his labor.
Chapter 4 emphasizes the importance of following the covenant once the Israelites are settled in Canaan, especially the part about worshiping only one God, and not making idols. I have to say, the Jewish rejection of idols is actually pretty cool and interesting; the ancient Greeks were intrigued by it, and during the period of Hellenization would send philosophers into Palestine to observe the Jewish customs. While most Near Eastern temples during this period would contain a sacrificial room with an idol of the group's god, the Jewish temple featured an empty room for sacrifices. Their devotion to an abstract and intangible God is quite unique.
Chapter 5 repeats the Ten Commandments, and chapter 6 is simply an "elaboration" on the first of these laws -- to "love [God] and keep [his] commandments" (Deut 5:10).
Chapter 7, today's final chapter, concerns the dislodged groups throughout Canaan: the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites. God tells the Israelites to treat them mercilessly; they must "pull down their altars, break their sacred pillars, hack down their sacred poles, and burn their idols" (Deut 7:5). Wow! What a jerk! I still don't get why God has a "chosen people" who gets all these special privileges, especially when the Jews are so whiny. What on earth makes him like them so much?
God goes on to say that if the Israelites follow the covenant, they will be exceedingly prosperous. Among other things, God promises, "Neither among your people nor among your cattle will their be an impotent male or a barren female [and] the Lord will keep you free from all sickness" (Deut 7:14-15). I wonder what pious Jews of later times would think when they got a cold, or when their cow had a miscarriage! That they had inadvertently defied God and were being punished?
The chapter ends with a repetition of the importance to worship only one God and to not make idols. Apparently we should remember this one! Or maybe we should forget it so that it doesn't seem redundant and annoying when it pops up every other sentence.
That's about all for today. Not the most interesting of readings, but better days will come!
Why, you may be asking, do I have the gall to bring up this completely unrelated event instead of doing my job and talking about the bible? Well, this tragic circumstance got me thinking. It is so easy for those of us who consider ourselves atheists, agnostic, or otherwise rational thinkers to pass harsh judgment on people with religious convictions. We examine this text and see the contradictions, the absurdities, and we scoff at them. But today I wonder, how different are we? After all, I believed passionately that this moribund and hapless group of ball players might string together enough wins to capture their division and defend their World Series Championship -- even as evidence repeatedly showed me it was not to be. I think that everyone must hold some sort of bizarre and nonsensical conviction that gives them comfort and helps them sleep at night. As long as these beliefs don't hurt anyone, I don't see a problem with it -- that's to say, Christians should refrain from starting Holy Wars, and I will refrain from hitting Dodgers fans on the head with a baseball bat.
With that being said, I'd like to pose the question: what do you believe in? Leave a comment and tell us about it! Is it crazy? That's okay. Don't worry about it. We still like you.
Onto the bible! Today's reading was somewhat uneventful, which makes me feel a little better about taking that self-indulgent prelude. In chapter 34, Moses explains the boundaries of the promised land, and gives instructions on how to take it. He picks a leader from each tribe who is to be in charge of assigning the territory, since God has decreed that Moses himself must die before the group enters Canaan.
Chapter 35 gives us some weird murder laws. Basically, certain murders -- like striking someone with iron or a "wooden thing" (Numbers 35:18) -- are immediately punishable by death, whereas more subjective deaths are subject to greater scrutiny. However, instead of a typical trial as we westernized readers might expect, the killer is instead instructed to go to a "city of refuge", where he will live until the high priest dies and is replaced. Then he's free to go. Um... Okay!
God wraps this section up by declaring to the people, "You must not defile your land by bloodshed. Blood defiles the land; no expiation can be made on behalf of the land for blood shed on it, except by the blood of him who shed it" (Numbers 35:33). Cool! Makes perfect sense! Since killing defiles the land, we should solve this problem by killing killers!
Chapter 37 concerns our gang of well-named heiress sisters from yesterday's reading: Mahlah, Tirzah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Noah. Everyone is nervous about them inheriting money, being women and all, so it is decreed that any woman who inherits money from a dead relative must marry within her tribe, so that inheritance cannot pass between the tribes. The girls oblige and all marry their cousins.
And thus ends the book of Numbers! Before we embark on Deuteronomy I will provide the cursory etymology. The word Deuteronomy means "second law" and apparently we should expect to see repetition of much of the legislation from Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers. Oh boy. Legislation is so fun, especially legislation we've already read. The majority of Deuteronomy is a series of first-person discourses that Moses makes to the people before his death.
Moses kicks off his first sermon by providing a lengthy and rather revisionist recap of the forty years spent in the wilderness; for instance, when he discusses the disloyal scouts he claims that the Israelites insisted upon sending them, rather than God. He also describes an event where the Israelites ignore God's command that they refrain from fighting the Amorites, who subsequently "[come] out against [them] and [swarm] after [them] like bees" (Deut 1:44). My bible's footnotes don't draw any attention to this, which makes me wonder... Did I miss something? I totally don't remember this happening!
Chapters 2 and 3 continue the summary, which I won't delve into because we've already read the books being discussed. Who wants to read a summary of a summary? I will say that I felt a little bad for Moses when he got to the part of the story where he appoints Joshua as his successor. He relates a conversation he had with God, where he pleaded, "Let me cross over, I beg, and see that good land which lies on the other side of the Jordan, and the fine hill-country and the Lebanon" (Deut 3:25). But God refuses his request, saying that he should instead "go to the top of Pisgah and look west and north, south and east; look well at what you see, for you will not cross this river Jordan" (Deut 3:27). Poor guy! He worked so hard on behalf of the whiny Israelites, and now he doesn't even get to see the fruit of his labor.
Chapter 4 emphasizes the importance of following the covenant once the Israelites are settled in Canaan, especially the part about worshiping only one God, and not making idols. I have to say, the Jewish rejection of idols is actually pretty cool and interesting; the ancient Greeks were intrigued by it, and during the period of Hellenization would send philosophers into Palestine to observe the Jewish customs. While most Near Eastern temples during this period would contain a sacrificial room with an idol of the group's god, the Jewish temple featured an empty room for sacrifices. Their devotion to an abstract and intangible God is quite unique.
Chapter 5 repeats the Ten Commandments, and chapter 6 is simply an "elaboration" on the first of these laws -- to "love [God] and keep [his] commandments" (Deut 5:10).
Chapter 7, today's final chapter, concerns the dislodged groups throughout Canaan: the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites. God tells the Israelites to treat them mercilessly; they must "pull down their altars, break their sacred pillars, hack down their sacred poles, and burn their idols" (Deut 7:5). Wow! What a jerk! I still don't get why God has a "chosen people" who gets all these special privileges, especially when the Jews are so whiny. What on earth makes him like them so much?
God goes on to say that if the Israelites follow the covenant, they will be exceedingly prosperous. Among other things, God promises, "Neither among your people nor among your cattle will their be an impotent male or a barren female [and] the Lord will keep you free from all sickness" (Deut 7:14-15). I wonder what pious Jews of later times would think when they got a cold, or when their cow had a miscarriage! That they had inadvertently defied God and were being punished?
The chapter ends with a repetition of the importance to worship only one God and to not make idols. Apparently we should remember this one! Or maybe we should forget it so that it doesn't seem redundant and annoying when it pops up every other sentence.
That's about all for today. Not the most interesting of readings, but better days will come!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Day 14, Numbers 24-33
First off, I would like to preface this entry by saying that this blog now has a facebook page! Here is the link, go become a fan. You can also follow me on twitter, @Biblein3Months, although I forewarn you I have no idea how to use twitter. Let's make this blog go viral like that video of Rebecca Black, because you know, it's the bible, bible, gotta get down and read the biiiiiiiible.
I am very excited to discuss today's reading because it was really top notch. As you may recall, we left with Balaam, the Moabite curser, preparing a sacrifice so that he could bless the Israelites. In chapter 24 he proceeds with this, to the displeasure of the king, Balak. When confronted, Balaam explains that he cannot go against the will of God, and Balak -- though angry -- simply dismisses him, rather than killing him as I'd pretty much expected.
At this point the narrative shifts back to the Israelites, who are encamped in a Moabite city called Shittim. The name of this city clearly originates from August of 2010, when Tim Lincecum's fastball velocity dropped a good ten miles per hour and he posted the worst numbers of his career, causing Giants fans and Moabites alike to exclaim, in agony, "Shit, Tim!" Anyway, the Israelite men "[begin] to have intercourse with Moabite women, who [invite] them to the sacrifices offered to their gods" (Numbers 25:1-2). This lack of piety combined with sexual deviance really annoys God, who demands that all the tribe leaders be put to death along with those who violated the covenant with God by making sacrifices to idols.
And the trouble doesn't stop there! In fact, things are just getting started. According to the footnotes, the fact that these rebellions are occurring immediately after Balaam's blessing is supposed to be ironic, although I'm not sure that I buy that since I just read a book that talked about how irony and humor are Hellenistic literary innovations, unknown to the authors of the bible. Seriously. It's just funny by accident, if you can believe that.
After they get out of Moab, another Israelite "[brings] a Midianite woman into his family in open defiance of Moses and all the community of Israel" (Numbers 25:6). Apparently the fact that MOSES'S WIFE IS A MIDIANITE has been forgotten, since everyone gets really upset about this. The mishap culminates when "Phinehas son of Eleazar, son of Aaron the priest... [takes] a spear, and [goes] into the nuptial tent after the Israelite, where he transfix[es] the two of them, the Israelite and the woman, pinning them together" (Numbers 25:7-8). Wow! That's pretty grotesque! God is satisfied with this effort and brings an end to a previously unmentioned plague, which had killed twenty-four thousand Jews. He promises Phinehas that he and all his descendants will be in the priestly family -- even though they were already in the priestly family because of their direct relation to Aaron -- and tells the Israelites to "make the Midianites suffer as they made you suffer with their wiles, and strike them down" (Numbers 25:17). Well, okay. Whatever you say, God.
In chapter 26, Moses takes another census. Since chapters like this are pretty irredeemably boring, I took it upon myself to find all the funniest names to share with you. From the Gadites we have Haggi and A-Rod (before he was a Yankee, obviously). From the Benjaminites we have Shupham and Hupham. Among the Josephites we have a family of five daughters: Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah. First of all, isn't Noah a boy name?! And second of all... why do none of these names crop up again? Why is every Jewish kid named Sarah or Rebecca or Jacob or David? We need more Shuphams in the world.
Chapter 27 outlines the procedure for how property should be passed down if a man dies and has no sons. The aforementioned Josephite daughters find themselves in this very predicament after the death of their father, and petition Moses to inherit his property. For the first time in the whole stinkin' bible we get some legislation that gives a little support to us women: God decrees that if a man has no sons, his land should go to his daughters; if he has no daughters it should go to his brothers, then his father's brothers, and if all else fails, any surviving relative.
At the end of this chapter God tells Moses that his time has come to die, not because he's over one hundred years old but because "you and Aaron disobeyed my command when the community disputed with me in the wilderness of Zin" (Numbers 27:13). In case you forgot, this was the instance where Moses made water appear out of a rock and really pissed God off for no discernible reason. God instructs Moses to go up on Mount Abarim and "view the land which I have given to the Israelites" (Numbers 27:12), and selects Joshua, one of the two scouts who remained loyal to him, to be Moses's successor.
Chapters 28 and 29 give us more instructions (or rather, repeat the same instructions) about community offerings and holy days. Chapter 30 teaches us about making vows, and unfortunately the feminist gains we made in chapter 27 are not echoed here; a man's vow is always binding, but a woman's vow can be vetoed by her husband or father.
Chapter 31 resumes the story, and the tribes set forth to "exact vengeance for Israel on the Midianites" (Numbers 31:2). The eligible soldiers go into the land and kill every adult male, including Balaam, the Moabite curser who blessed the Jewish people. What was he doing in Midian and why did they kill him?! What the fuck, man!
Despite their most violent efforts, Moses is unsatisfied with the soldiers, asking, "Have you spared the women?... Remember, it was they who, on Balaam's departure, set about seducing the Israelites into disloyalty to the Lord in the affair at Peor, so that the plague struck the community of the Lord" (Numbers 31:15-16). He instructs the soldiers to "kill every male child, and kill every woman who has had intercourse with a man" (Numbers 31:17). So much for "thou shalt not kill", huh! I am also seriously wondering where Zipporah, Moses's Midianite wife, was during all of this.
The end of chapter 31 talks about the cleansing rituals in which the Jews partake after all of this bloodshed, and a post-battle census is conducted. Interestingly, the taking of a census is offensive to God, and he requires "expiation" or payment whenever one is made. This is a little weird since on several occassions he has actually requested for a census to be taken, but still wants payment! What a jerk!
In chapter 32 the tribes arrive at the lands of Jazer and Gilead, to the east of the Jordan River. The Gadites, Reubenites, and some of the tribe of Manasseh really like this land, so Moses agrees that as long as they accompany the rest of the tribes to help everyone settle and kill all the Canaanites and so on, they will be allowed to live there.
Finally, the reading wraps up with a thrilling summary of the Israelites's journey thus far. After their completed travel itinerary is laid out, they set up camp and prepare to enter Canaan! Wow!
Tomorrow will bring us to the end of Numbers and into Deuteronomy, the last book of the Torah. What an accomplishment! Anyone who has been reading along with me, give yourselves a pat on the back. We've made it two weeks! Ten more to go!
I am very excited to discuss today's reading because it was really top notch. As you may recall, we left with Balaam, the Moabite curser, preparing a sacrifice so that he could bless the Israelites. In chapter 24 he proceeds with this, to the displeasure of the king, Balak. When confronted, Balaam explains that he cannot go against the will of God, and Balak -- though angry -- simply dismisses him, rather than killing him as I'd pretty much expected.
At this point the narrative shifts back to the Israelites, who are encamped in a Moabite city called Shittim. The name of this city clearly originates from August of 2010, when Tim Lincecum's fastball velocity dropped a good ten miles per hour and he posted the worst numbers of his career, causing Giants fans and Moabites alike to exclaim, in agony, "Shit, Tim!" Anyway, the Israelite men "[begin] to have intercourse with Moabite women, who [invite] them to the sacrifices offered to their gods" (Numbers 25:1-2). This lack of piety combined with sexual deviance really annoys God, who demands that all the tribe leaders be put to death along with those who violated the covenant with God by making sacrifices to idols.
And the trouble doesn't stop there! In fact, things are just getting started. According to the footnotes, the fact that these rebellions are occurring immediately after Balaam's blessing is supposed to be ironic, although I'm not sure that I buy that since I just read a book that talked about how irony and humor are Hellenistic literary innovations, unknown to the authors of the bible. Seriously. It's just funny by accident, if you can believe that.
After they get out of Moab, another Israelite "[brings] a Midianite woman into his family in open defiance of Moses and all the community of Israel" (Numbers 25:6). Apparently the fact that MOSES'S WIFE IS A MIDIANITE has been forgotten, since everyone gets really upset about this. The mishap culminates when "Phinehas son of Eleazar, son of Aaron the priest... [takes] a spear, and [goes] into the nuptial tent after the Israelite, where he transfix[es] the two of them, the Israelite and the woman, pinning them together" (Numbers 25:7-8). Wow! That's pretty grotesque! God is satisfied with this effort and brings an end to a previously unmentioned plague, which had killed twenty-four thousand Jews. He promises Phinehas that he and all his descendants will be in the priestly family -- even though they were already in the priestly family because of their direct relation to Aaron -- and tells the Israelites to "make the Midianites suffer as they made you suffer with their wiles, and strike them down" (Numbers 25:17). Well, okay. Whatever you say, God.
In chapter 26, Moses takes another census. Since chapters like this are pretty irredeemably boring, I took it upon myself to find all the funniest names to share with you. From the Gadites we have Haggi and A-Rod (before he was a Yankee, obviously). From the Benjaminites we have Shupham and Hupham. Among the Josephites we have a family of five daughters: Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah. First of all, isn't Noah a boy name?! And second of all... why do none of these names crop up again? Why is every Jewish kid named Sarah or Rebecca or Jacob or David? We need more Shuphams in the world.
Chapter 27 outlines the procedure for how property should be passed down if a man dies and has no sons. The aforementioned Josephite daughters find themselves in this very predicament after the death of their father, and petition Moses to inherit his property. For the first time in the whole stinkin' bible we get some legislation that gives a little support to us women: God decrees that if a man has no sons, his land should go to his daughters; if he has no daughters it should go to his brothers, then his father's brothers, and if all else fails, any surviving relative.
At the end of this chapter God tells Moses that his time has come to die, not because he's over one hundred years old but because "you and Aaron disobeyed my command when the community disputed with me in the wilderness of Zin" (Numbers 27:13). In case you forgot, this was the instance where Moses made water appear out of a rock and really pissed God off for no discernible reason. God instructs Moses to go up on Mount Abarim and "view the land which I have given to the Israelites" (Numbers 27:12), and selects Joshua, one of the two scouts who remained loyal to him, to be Moses's successor.
Chapters 28 and 29 give us more instructions (or rather, repeat the same instructions) about community offerings and holy days. Chapter 30 teaches us about making vows, and unfortunately the feminist gains we made in chapter 27 are not echoed here; a man's vow is always binding, but a woman's vow can be vetoed by her husband or father.
Chapter 31 resumes the story, and the tribes set forth to "exact vengeance for Israel on the Midianites" (Numbers 31:2). The eligible soldiers go into the land and kill every adult male, including Balaam, the Moabite curser who blessed the Jewish people. What was he doing in Midian and why did they kill him?! What the fuck, man!
Despite their most violent efforts, Moses is unsatisfied with the soldiers, asking, "Have you spared the women?... Remember, it was they who, on Balaam's departure, set about seducing the Israelites into disloyalty to the Lord in the affair at Peor, so that the plague struck the community of the Lord" (Numbers 31:15-16). He instructs the soldiers to "kill every male child, and kill every woman who has had intercourse with a man" (Numbers 31:17). So much for "thou shalt not kill", huh! I am also seriously wondering where Zipporah, Moses's Midianite wife, was during all of this.
The end of chapter 31 talks about the cleansing rituals in which the Jews partake after all of this bloodshed, and a post-battle census is conducted. Interestingly, the taking of a census is offensive to God, and he requires "expiation" or payment whenever one is made. This is a little weird since on several occassions he has actually requested for a census to be taken, but still wants payment! What a jerk!
In chapter 32 the tribes arrive at the lands of Jazer and Gilead, to the east of the Jordan River. The Gadites, Reubenites, and some of the tribe of Manasseh really like this land, so Moses agrees that as long as they accompany the rest of the tribes to help everyone settle and kill all the Canaanites and so on, they will be allowed to live there.
Finally, the reading wraps up with a thrilling summary of the Israelites's journey thus far. After their completed travel itinerary is laid out, they set up camp and prepare to enter Canaan! Wow!
Tomorrow will bring us to the end of Numbers and into Deuteronomy, the last book of the Torah. What an accomplishment! Anyone who has been reading along with me, give yourselves a pat on the back. We've made it two weeks! Ten more to go!
Friday, September 23, 2011
Day 13, Numbers 14-23
Sorry for posting so late! My challah-making extravaganza got a little crazy last night (I wish I was joking) and as a result I didn't get home until pretty late. I usually try to get started on a day's reading the night before, but yesterday I didn't have time, so this morning I had to go to class and power through nine chapters of Numbers, all on very little sleep. I am a little tired so I apologize if I'm not 100% on my game.
At the end of yesterday's reading, twelve scouts -- one from each tribe -- went into the promised land to scope things out. Their assessment of the area was mixed, with the majority claiming that the Israelites would be overpowered if they tried to settle there. Only Caleb, from the tribe of Judah, and Joshua, from the tribe of Ephraiam, think it's a good idea to try and proceed, but they are outnumbered.
The Israelites are super bummed about this and return to their favorite activity of bitching and complaining. In fact, some of them even discuss finding someone to lead them back to Egypt! Really guys?!! Are you kidding me?
Caleb and Joshua address the distressed crowds, proclaiming that the goodwill of God will allow the Israelites to enter the land unharmed, but the tribes just threaten to stone them to death. At this point, God gets pretty pissed off: "How much longer," he asks Moses, "will this people set me at naught? How much longer will they refuse to trust me in spite of all the signs I have shown among them?" (Numbers 14:11) Good fucking question, God! He is ready to throw in the towel with these whiny Israelites -- "strike them with pestilence [and]... deny them their heritage" (Numbers 14:12) -- but Moses talks him out of it by saying that all the Egyptians will gossip about him and say that he is an incompetent God who couldn't lead his people to the promised land and so on and so forth. God is pissed off but he doesn't want to lose face to Anubis and Horus and all those guys, so he makes a compromise. He won't abandon the people of Israel, per se, but he will punish them by denying them access to the promised land. Of the tribes he says, "Not one of you will enter the land which I swore with uplifted hand should be your home, except only Caleb son of Jephunneh and Joshua son of Nun. Your dependents, who, you said, would become the spoils of war, those dependents I shall bring into the land you have rejected, and they will enjoy it. But as for the rest of you, your bones will lie in this wilderness; your children will be wanderers in the wilderness forty years, paying the penalty of your wanton faithlessness till the last one of you dies there" (Numbers 14:30-33). Then he inflicts the ten unloyal scouts with a horrific plague, and they all die. The moral of this story, obviously, is to STOP FUCKING WITH GOD AND TRUST HIM BECAUSE HE'S OBVIOUSLY SUPER POWERFUL, but no one really gets the point. As our story continues, the Israelites will continue to be whiny bitches.
Chapter 15 is mostly just rules about making offerings to God, which seem pointless because all these people are so ungrateful that I don't see any conceivable way they'd make an offering to anyone. It is pretty boring for the most part, but there is a charming cautionary tale about what happens to people who don't follow the rules. One day, an unnamed man decides to gather some sticks on the sabbath. He is taken into custody and eventually stoned to death for his transgression! Apparently God takes relaxation pretty seriously.
Chapter 16 is pretty fun because it involves God setting everyone on fire again. Basically this guy named Korah, from the Levite tribe, gets mad that Moses and Aaron have so much authority and incites a little rebellion of about 250 people. Moses tells them to present incense to God, who will then "declare who is his, who is holy and who may present offerings to him" (Numbers 16:5). Apparently this type of offering is against the rules, and God totally doesn't dig it. He wants to kill everyone, but Moses -- ever the diplomat! -- talks him out of it. Moses instructs the people to stand away from the tents of Korah and his two pals, Abiram and Dathan, and immediately "the ground beneath them split[s] apart... [and the earth] swallow[s] them and their homes" (Numbers 16:31). Then, as previously mentioned, God punishes the incense burners by setting them all on fire!
It only gets better. The next day God overhears the Israelites complaining about what a jerk he is for killing the rebels. God doesn't like when people talk smack about him, so he inflicts the Israelites with a plague that kills fourteen thousand of them! That's a lot of people!
I wonder when they'll catch on that they should probably go with whatever this God guy wants?
Chapter 17 is a short one. God tells Moses to collect a staff from the leader of each tribe and inscribe it with his name. Moses follows these instructions and leaves the staff in the Tent of Meeting; when he returns the next day, he discovers that Aaron's staff has sprouted almonds, which -- incidentally -- are delicious. I found a machine in the mall that gives out chocolate covered almonds for a quarter! It was the best day ever!
Moses hangs up the staff as a symbol of God's power. You might think that the Israelites would be psyched about this, but at this point, expecting any optimistic or positive response from them is really just wishful thinking. "This is the end of us!" they say to Moses. "We must perish, one and all!" (Numbers 17:12). Give it a rest, guys! Stop being such Debbie Downers!
Chapter 18 concerns priestly duties, which we've heard about a million times. I'm not going to go into detail because I'm crazy tired and it isn't actually interesting.
In chapter 19, we learn about how to do purity rituals after contact with corpses, which is useful information considering God just went batshit on the tribes and killed like fifteen thousand of them. You have to use the ashes of a red cow to make a weird purifying water and sprinkle it on people, basically. Good stuff.
Chapter 20 begins with Miriam's death and ends with Aaron's death, which is kind of a bummer because I liked them! That's to say, they didn't do a huge amount to make me hate them, like most of these assholes in the bible.
In between these two sad events, the Israelites continue to complain, this time about the lack of water. Moses uses his staff to make water come out of a rock, which makes God mad for reasons that I am completely unable to identify. According to the footnotes, the reason is unclear, but "may have been because Moses, by acting himself, high-handedly, thereby impedes a miracle dependent on divine grace." My personal interpretation is that everyone in this story is just irritable and bitchy all the time because it's so sandy and hot in the Middle East. Also, they wanted Gatorade, not water!
The tribes progress to Edom -- which, I must remind you, is the land founded by descendants of Esau, the only biblical figure thus far to show true moral fiber and strength of character! However, his progeny have fallen into the "irritable and bitchy" typography that we see so often, and they refuse to let the Jews continue through their land. Soon after this, Aaron dies, and these two unfortunate incidents combine to make the Israelites raise another stink. Once again they ask Moses why he brought them out of Egypt, saying that they "are heartily sick of this miserable fare" (Numbers 21:5). This time, God does not appease the people at all, and simply sends poisonous snakes to attack them. Moses has to use his diplomat skills again to get God to relent, and the tribes keep on keeping on. As they journey, they manage to defeat the Canaanites and the Amorites, and by chapter 22 they arrive in Moab. The king, whose name is Balak, becomes understandably nervous for his nation, having seen the fate of the neighboring regions. He calls upon Balaam, a professional curser, to take care of the Israelites. Balaam, however, consorts with God before making any rash moves, and is told not to curse the Jews. He relates this message to Balak, who continues to pester him, and eventually God gives him permission to accompany the Moabite chiefs.
Balaam saddles his trusty donkey and sets off towards some desert vista for his rendezvous, but on the way God gets mad (even though he JUST TOLD BALAAM TO GO) and sends an angel to block Balaam's path. The donkey is able to see the angel but Balaam cannot, so he gets really pissed off when his donkey refuses to advance down the road. He beats the crap out of her with his whip and his staff, making the people at PETA writhe uncomfortably in their seats, and after a few moments of this, God gives the donkey a voice. Balaam and the donkey argue a little bit about who is being unreasonable, and then suddenly "the Lord open[s] Balaam's eyes [and] he sees the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn" (Numbers 22:31). He is super apologetic even though the whole incident was totally just another case of God fucking with people, as he is wont to do.
In chapter 23 Balaam meets up with Balak, who is annoyed at his lateness but nonetheless excited to perform the curse. However, Balaam goes off to converse with God and once again receives the message that he should not curse the Israelites. Balak thinks location is the issue and drags Balaam from vista to vista, saying that "perhaps God will be pleased to let you curse them for me there" (23:27). But despite his bouts of divine wrath, God is loyal to the tribes, and will not let Balaam curse them. Chapter 23 ends rather abruptly, with Balaam preparing his sacrifices in the third location, preparing to address God again. I guess this abrupt ending makes it kind of a cliffhanger, huh?
Next time on the Bible: will Balak succeed in cursing the Israelites? Will God light more people on fire? Will Ross and Rachel get back together? Tune in next time to find out!
At the end of yesterday's reading, twelve scouts -- one from each tribe -- went into the promised land to scope things out. Their assessment of the area was mixed, with the majority claiming that the Israelites would be overpowered if they tried to settle there. Only Caleb, from the tribe of Judah, and Joshua, from the tribe of Ephraiam, think it's a good idea to try and proceed, but they are outnumbered.
The Israelites are super bummed about this and return to their favorite activity of bitching and complaining. In fact, some of them even discuss finding someone to lead them back to Egypt! Really guys?!! Are you kidding me?
Caleb and Joshua address the distressed crowds, proclaiming that the goodwill of God will allow the Israelites to enter the land unharmed, but the tribes just threaten to stone them to death. At this point, God gets pretty pissed off: "How much longer," he asks Moses, "will this people set me at naught? How much longer will they refuse to trust me in spite of all the signs I have shown among them?" (Numbers 14:11) Good fucking question, God! He is ready to throw in the towel with these whiny Israelites -- "strike them with pestilence [and]... deny them their heritage" (Numbers 14:12) -- but Moses talks him out of it by saying that all the Egyptians will gossip about him and say that he is an incompetent God who couldn't lead his people to the promised land and so on and so forth. God is pissed off but he doesn't want to lose face to Anubis and Horus and all those guys, so he makes a compromise. He won't abandon the people of Israel, per se, but he will punish them by denying them access to the promised land. Of the tribes he says, "Not one of you will enter the land which I swore with uplifted hand should be your home, except only Caleb son of Jephunneh and Joshua son of Nun. Your dependents, who, you said, would become the spoils of war, those dependents I shall bring into the land you have rejected, and they will enjoy it. But as for the rest of you, your bones will lie in this wilderness; your children will be wanderers in the wilderness forty years, paying the penalty of your wanton faithlessness till the last one of you dies there" (Numbers 14:30-33). Then he inflicts the ten unloyal scouts with a horrific plague, and they all die. The moral of this story, obviously, is to STOP FUCKING WITH GOD AND TRUST HIM BECAUSE HE'S OBVIOUSLY SUPER POWERFUL, but no one really gets the point. As our story continues, the Israelites will continue to be whiny bitches.
Chapter 15 is mostly just rules about making offerings to God, which seem pointless because all these people are so ungrateful that I don't see any conceivable way they'd make an offering to anyone. It is pretty boring for the most part, but there is a charming cautionary tale about what happens to people who don't follow the rules. One day, an unnamed man decides to gather some sticks on the sabbath. He is taken into custody and eventually stoned to death for his transgression! Apparently God takes relaxation pretty seriously.
Chapter 16 is pretty fun because it involves God setting everyone on fire again. Basically this guy named Korah, from the Levite tribe, gets mad that Moses and Aaron have so much authority and incites a little rebellion of about 250 people. Moses tells them to present incense to God, who will then "declare who is his, who is holy and who may present offerings to him" (Numbers 16:5). Apparently this type of offering is against the rules, and God totally doesn't dig it. He wants to kill everyone, but Moses -- ever the diplomat! -- talks him out of it. Moses instructs the people to stand away from the tents of Korah and his two pals, Abiram and Dathan, and immediately "the ground beneath them split[s] apart... [and the earth] swallow[s] them and their homes" (Numbers 16:31). Then, as previously mentioned, God punishes the incense burners by setting them all on fire!
It only gets better. The next day God overhears the Israelites complaining about what a jerk he is for killing the rebels. God doesn't like when people talk smack about him, so he inflicts the Israelites with a plague that kills fourteen thousand of them! That's a lot of people!
I wonder when they'll catch on that they should probably go with whatever this God guy wants?
Chapter 17 is a short one. God tells Moses to collect a staff from the leader of each tribe and inscribe it with his name. Moses follows these instructions and leaves the staff in the Tent of Meeting; when he returns the next day, he discovers that Aaron's staff has sprouted almonds, which -- incidentally -- are delicious. I found a machine in the mall that gives out chocolate covered almonds for a quarter! It was the best day ever!
Moses hangs up the staff as a symbol of God's power. You might think that the Israelites would be psyched about this, but at this point, expecting any optimistic or positive response from them is really just wishful thinking. "This is the end of us!" they say to Moses. "We must perish, one and all!" (Numbers 17:12). Give it a rest, guys! Stop being such Debbie Downers!
Chapter 18 concerns priestly duties, which we've heard about a million times. I'm not going to go into detail because I'm crazy tired and it isn't actually interesting.
In chapter 19, we learn about how to do purity rituals after contact with corpses, which is useful information considering God just went batshit on the tribes and killed like fifteen thousand of them. You have to use the ashes of a red cow to make a weird purifying water and sprinkle it on people, basically. Good stuff.
Chapter 20 begins with Miriam's death and ends with Aaron's death, which is kind of a bummer because I liked them! That's to say, they didn't do a huge amount to make me hate them, like most of these assholes in the bible.
In between these two sad events, the Israelites continue to complain, this time about the lack of water. Moses uses his staff to make water come out of a rock, which makes God mad for reasons that I am completely unable to identify. According to the footnotes, the reason is unclear, but "may have been because Moses, by acting himself, high-handedly, thereby impedes a miracle dependent on divine grace." My personal interpretation is that everyone in this story is just irritable and bitchy all the time because it's so sandy and hot in the Middle East. Also, they wanted Gatorade, not water!
The tribes progress to Edom -- which, I must remind you, is the land founded by descendants of Esau, the only biblical figure thus far to show true moral fiber and strength of character! However, his progeny have fallen into the "irritable and bitchy" typography that we see so often, and they refuse to let the Jews continue through their land. Soon after this, Aaron dies, and these two unfortunate incidents combine to make the Israelites raise another stink. Once again they ask Moses why he brought them out of Egypt, saying that they "are heartily sick of this miserable fare" (Numbers 21:5). This time, God does not appease the people at all, and simply sends poisonous snakes to attack them. Moses has to use his diplomat skills again to get God to relent, and the tribes keep on keeping on. As they journey, they manage to defeat the Canaanites and the Amorites, and by chapter 22 they arrive in Moab. The king, whose name is Balak, becomes understandably nervous for his nation, having seen the fate of the neighboring regions. He calls upon Balaam, a professional curser, to take care of the Israelites. Balaam, however, consorts with God before making any rash moves, and is told not to curse the Jews. He relates this message to Balak, who continues to pester him, and eventually God gives him permission to accompany the Moabite chiefs.
Balaam saddles his trusty donkey and sets off towards some desert vista for his rendezvous, but on the way God gets mad (even though he JUST TOLD BALAAM TO GO) and sends an angel to block Balaam's path. The donkey is able to see the angel but Balaam cannot, so he gets really pissed off when his donkey refuses to advance down the road. He beats the crap out of her with his whip and his staff, making the people at PETA writhe uncomfortably in their seats, and after a few moments of this, God gives the donkey a voice. Balaam and the donkey argue a little bit about who is being unreasonable, and then suddenly "the Lord open[s] Balaam's eyes [and] he sees the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn" (Numbers 22:31). He is super apologetic even though the whole incident was totally just another case of God fucking with people, as he is wont to do.
In chapter 23 Balaam meets up with Balak, who is annoyed at his lateness but nonetheless excited to perform the curse. However, Balaam goes off to converse with God and once again receives the message that he should not curse the Israelites. Balak thinks location is the issue and drags Balaam from vista to vista, saying that "perhaps God will be pleased to let you curse them for me there" (23:27). But despite his bouts of divine wrath, God is loyal to the tribes, and will not let Balaam curse them. Chapter 23 ends rather abruptly, with Balaam preparing his sacrifices in the third location, preparing to address God again. I guess this abrupt ending makes it kind of a cliffhanger, huh?
Next time on the Bible: will Balak succeed in cursing the Israelites? Will God light more people on fire? Will Ross and Rachel get back together? Tune in next time to find out!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Day 12, Numbers 5-13
Hello, humble readership. Today we will continue to make progress through Numbers, and I am delighted to say that midway through today's reading our narrative from Exodus returns; the Israelites finally leave Mount Sinai and head off towards the promised land. Hooray for progress! However, it must be noted that this does not happen until chapter 9, so we still have a fair bit of law to discuss before we plunge back into storytime.
Chapter 5 opens with a discussion of SKIN PROBLEMS, which is great because I don't think we've heard anything about those yet. Give it a rest, God. We know that you don't want acne'd people in your camp, WE'RE TAKING CARE OF IT. God also explains how to atone for sin if you accidentally wrong a fellow Jew -- you have to pay money and make a sacrifice, yada yada yada. You can imagine.
This chapter also deals with adultery, which is kind of fun! If a woman cheats on her husband, and he suspects her, he has to bring her to the high priest, who performs a ritual. Basically if the woman is guilty she will have a "miscarriage and untimely birth" (Numbers 5:22) but if she is innocent, her pregnancy will progress normally. I guess in order to be accused of cheating you have to be pregnant. I also think this is a pretty funny custom because obviously having a miscarriage has nothing to do with your moral standing and I bet a lot of people got arbitrarily fucked over/let off the hook by this tradition! By the way, the miscarriage itself is punishment for adultery; no one gets stoned to death or anything.
Chapter 6 explains how to become a Nazirite, which is like a sacred person who makes an oath with God... or something... There are a lot of weird rules for prospective Nazirites to obey, like abstaining from alcohol, leaving hair uncut, and avoiding corpses. In fact, "if someone suddenly falls dead by [a prospective Nazirite's] side, touching him and thereby making his hair, which has been dedicated, ritually unclean, he must shave his head on the day when he becomes clean; he shall shave it on the seventh day" (Numbers 6:9). The prospective Nazirite then has to restart his oath from the beginning, which is inconvenient because the process is a lengthy one. Man! Don't you hate it when someone drops dead next to you and in their last fleeting moments of life has the nerve to touch and defile your hair? It's just so rude!
In chapter 7 the tabernacle is set up (hasn't this happened like ten times already?) and we get to hear a long, drawn out description of what every tribe sacrifices to God. Each tribe presents their offering on a different day, with the Levites going last in chapter 8, because they are the priestly tribe and have a lot of special additional rules to follow.
In chapter 9, God explains what to do if you are unclean on the day of Passover (celebrate it anyway and then make a sacrifice a month later to atone) and then OUR STORY PICKS UP AGAIN! God, in magical cloud form, enters the tabernacle and guides the tribes away from Sinai towards Edom.
God kicks off chapter 10 by explaining a really complicated system of organizing people through the use of trumpets. One blast indicates that the tribes living to the east of the tabernacle are supposed to move, two blasts for the people encamped to the south, etc, etc. I think the Jews just wanted an excuse for some jazzy interludes to their journey. God also lets Moses know that "when you go into battle against an invader and are hard pressed by him, sound a fanfare on the trumpets, and this will serve as a reminder of you before the Lord your God and you will be delivered from your enemies" (Numbers 10:9). In other words, "I'm mostly paying attention to you but sometimes I get bored and click the superspeed button and go downstairs to make a sandwich, so just blow your horn in case I space out." I understand, God. I play the Sims too.
Moses also convinces his brother-in-law, Hobab the Midianite, to come along and guide them -- because apparently Magical Cloud Tabernacle God isn't good enough?! I haven't talked at all about Moses's in-laws, but this is the third time they've appeared: the first time, his father-in-law was named Reuel, then his name was changed to Jethro. In this chapter, he is named Reuel again.
Chapter 11 opens with the Israelites resuming their status as LITTLE BITCHES!!! As soon as the journey begins they start complaining, which causes God to set them all on fire. Classic Sims move. I know how you're feeling, God.
I imagine the incident looked something like this:
Even after this incident, the tribes continue to whine and complain: "Remember how in Egypt we had fish for the asking, cucumbers and water-melons, leeks and onions and garlic. Now our appetite is gone; wherever we look there is nothing except this manna" (Numbers 11:5-6). Okay. First off, way to fuel the whole "slaves eating watermelon" stereotype, you racist assholes. Secondly, IN EGYPT YOU WERE ENSLAVED! NOW YOU'RE FREE! SHUT UP!!
Moses is pretty incredulous about how goddamn ungrateful everyone is, and petitions God: "This people is a burden too heavy for me; I cannot carry it alone. If that is your purpose for me, then kill me outright: if I have found favor with you, spare me this trouble afflicting me" (Numbers 11:14-15). God decides to appease the people and makes a ton of quails appear for them to eat, but at the last minute he is struck with divine wrath and decides to inflict the quail-eaters with "a severe plague" (Numbers 11:33). Kind of a jerk move, but this time I think the Israelites may have had it coming.
He also honors Moses's request and allows a council of seventy elders to assist him. They all go into the Tent of Meeting, where they are "seized by prophetic ecstasy" (11:25). Two of them, named Eldad and Medad, don't go to the tent but are nonetheless seized by this prophetic ecstasy in public! I can't decide if this is supposed to be dirty or not, but God and Moses are chill about it.
In chapter 12, Miriam and Aaron get super jel of Moses being the leader, even though they too have addressed God, and furthermore Moses is married to a Midianite rather than an Israelite, which is totally not cool. They gossip to each other about him, which the bible lets us know is inappropriate since Moses is "the most humble man on earth" (12:3). God overhears them and sends the trio to the Tent of Meeting, where he effectively tells Miriam and Aaron to STFU by inflicting Miriam with a horrific skin disease. Return of the skin disease! Luckily we are, at this point, VERY well-versed in what to do about this kind of scenario. Moses is alarmed and prays for God to spare his sister, and God tells him that Miriam must be "confined outside the camp for seven days and then be brought back" (Numbers 12:14). So all is resolved.
In chapter 13, the tribes reach Canaan and God instructs Moses to send a party into the land. He picks a representative from each tribe, who wander around for forty days picking fruit and scoping things out. When they return they report that Canaan is a lovely place, "flowing with milk and honey" (Numbers 13:27), but the people are abnormally large and frightening. Eleven of the twelve representatives say that the land cannot be conquered, but Caleb -- the representative from the tribe of Judah -- wants to give it a try.
The chapter ends with the representatives shooting him down and saying that while visiting the country they felt "no bigger than grasshoppers" (Numbers 13:33) and that "the country we explored...will swallow up any who go to live in it" (Numbers 13:32). I would venture that this hesitancy is not going to be rewarded! But we won't know for sure until tomorrow's reading.
See you then!
Chapter 5 opens with a discussion of SKIN PROBLEMS, which is great because I don't think we've heard anything about those yet. Give it a rest, God. We know that you don't want acne'd people in your camp, WE'RE TAKING CARE OF IT. God also explains how to atone for sin if you accidentally wrong a fellow Jew -- you have to pay money and make a sacrifice, yada yada yada. You can imagine.
This chapter also deals with adultery, which is kind of fun! If a woman cheats on her husband, and he suspects her, he has to bring her to the high priest, who performs a ritual. Basically if the woman is guilty she will have a "miscarriage and untimely birth" (Numbers 5:22) but if she is innocent, her pregnancy will progress normally. I guess in order to be accused of cheating you have to be pregnant. I also think this is a pretty funny custom because obviously having a miscarriage has nothing to do with your moral standing and I bet a lot of people got arbitrarily fucked over/let off the hook by this tradition! By the way, the miscarriage itself is punishment for adultery; no one gets stoned to death or anything.
Chapter 6 explains how to become a Nazirite, which is like a sacred person who makes an oath with God... or something... There are a lot of weird rules for prospective Nazirites to obey, like abstaining from alcohol, leaving hair uncut, and avoiding corpses. In fact, "if someone suddenly falls dead by [a prospective Nazirite's] side, touching him and thereby making his hair, which has been dedicated, ritually unclean, he must shave his head on the day when he becomes clean; he shall shave it on the seventh day" (Numbers 6:9). The prospective Nazirite then has to restart his oath from the beginning, which is inconvenient because the process is a lengthy one. Man! Don't you hate it when someone drops dead next to you and in their last fleeting moments of life has the nerve to touch and defile your hair? It's just so rude!
In chapter 7 the tabernacle is set up (hasn't this happened like ten times already?) and we get to hear a long, drawn out description of what every tribe sacrifices to God. Each tribe presents their offering on a different day, with the Levites going last in chapter 8, because they are the priestly tribe and have a lot of special additional rules to follow.
In chapter 9, God explains what to do if you are unclean on the day of Passover (celebrate it anyway and then make a sacrifice a month later to atone) and then OUR STORY PICKS UP AGAIN! God, in magical cloud form, enters the tabernacle and guides the tribes away from Sinai towards Edom.
God kicks off chapter 10 by explaining a really complicated system of organizing people through the use of trumpets. One blast indicates that the tribes living to the east of the tabernacle are supposed to move, two blasts for the people encamped to the south, etc, etc. I think the Jews just wanted an excuse for some jazzy interludes to their journey. God also lets Moses know that "when you go into battle against an invader and are hard pressed by him, sound a fanfare on the trumpets, and this will serve as a reminder of you before the Lord your God and you will be delivered from your enemies" (Numbers 10:9). In other words, "I'm mostly paying attention to you but sometimes I get bored and click the superspeed button and go downstairs to make a sandwich, so just blow your horn in case I space out." I understand, God. I play the Sims too.
Moses also convinces his brother-in-law, Hobab the Midianite, to come along and guide them -- because apparently Magical Cloud Tabernacle God isn't good enough?! I haven't talked at all about Moses's in-laws, but this is the third time they've appeared: the first time, his father-in-law was named Reuel, then his name was changed to Jethro. In this chapter, he is named Reuel again.
Chapter 11 opens with the Israelites resuming their status as LITTLE BITCHES!!! As soon as the journey begins they start complaining, which causes God to set them all on fire. Classic Sims move. I know how you're feeling, God.
I imagine the incident looked something like this:
Even after this incident, the tribes continue to whine and complain: "Remember how in Egypt we had fish for the asking, cucumbers and water-melons, leeks and onions and garlic. Now our appetite is gone; wherever we look there is nothing except this manna" (Numbers 11:5-6). Okay. First off, way to fuel the whole "slaves eating watermelon" stereotype, you racist assholes. Secondly, IN EGYPT YOU WERE ENSLAVED! NOW YOU'RE FREE! SHUT UP!!
Moses is pretty incredulous about how goddamn ungrateful everyone is, and petitions God: "This people is a burden too heavy for me; I cannot carry it alone. If that is your purpose for me, then kill me outright: if I have found favor with you, spare me this trouble afflicting me" (Numbers 11:14-15). God decides to appease the people and makes a ton of quails appear for them to eat, but at the last minute he is struck with divine wrath and decides to inflict the quail-eaters with "a severe plague" (Numbers 11:33). Kind of a jerk move, but this time I think the Israelites may have had it coming.
He also honors Moses's request and allows a council of seventy elders to assist him. They all go into the Tent of Meeting, where they are "seized by prophetic ecstasy" (11:25). Two of them, named Eldad and Medad, don't go to the tent but are nonetheless seized by this prophetic ecstasy in public! I can't decide if this is supposed to be dirty or not, but God and Moses are chill about it.
In chapter 12, Miriam and Aaron get super jel of Moses being the leader, even though they too have addressed God, and furthermore Moses is married to a Midianite rather than an Israelite, which is totally not cool. They gossip to each other about him, which the bible lets us know is inappropriate since Moses is "the most humble man on earth" (12:3). God overhears them and sends the trio to the Tent of Meeting, where he effectively tells Miriam and Aaron to STFU by inflicting Miriam with a horrific skin disease. Return of the skin disease! Luckily we are, at this point, VERY well-versed in what to do about this kind of scenario. Moses is alarmed and prays for God to spare his sister, and God tells him that Miriam must be "confined outside the camp for seven days and then be brought back" (Numbers 12:14). So all is resolved.
In chapter 13, the tribes reach Canaan and God instructs Moses to send a party into the land. He picks a representative from each tribe, who wander around for forty days picking fruit and scoping things out. When they return they report that Canaan is a lovely place, "flowing with milk and honey" (Numbers 13:27), but the people are abnormally large and frightening. Eleven of the twelve representatives say that the land cannot be conquered, but Caleb -- the representative from the tribe of Judah -- wants to give it a try.
The chapter ends with the representatives shooting him down and saying that while visiting the country they felt "no bigger than grasshoppers" (Numbers 13:33) and that "the country we explored...will swallow up any who go to live in it" (Numbers 13:32). I would venture that this hesitancy is not going to be rewarded! But we won't know for sure until tomorrow's reading.
See you then!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Day 11, Leviticus 24-27, Numbers 1-4
Good morning everyone! Today's reading takes us to the end of Leviticus and into Numbers, the fourth book of the Torah. From what I can tell, Numbers looks like it's going to be a little more story-oriented than Leviticus, which is always fun, although these laws have been a good time too.
We begin today with a description of how to clean the lamps in the tabernacle, and instructions for the priests to bake twelve loafs of bread every week for the Sabbath; this totally refers to CHALLAH, which I'm going to make tomorrow at KOSHER COOKING CLUB!!! Oh man. I am so excited.
After these rules we receive a fun little anecdote about a half-Israelite, half-Egyptian man living in the camp. One day he gets into a tussle with a full Israelite man and "[utters] the holy name in blasphemy" (Lev 24:11). Moses asks God what to do about this, and God responds that he should "let the whole community stone him to death" (Lev 24:15). Oh geez. That's a pretty big punishment for saying "gosh darnit."
At the end of this chapter, God lays out his handy philosophy of "fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth" (Lev 24:20). Thanks for that one, God! You're a natural diplomat!
Chapter 25 discusses a frequently reoccurring topic: the sabbath, and namely the sabbath for the land, which is excitingly called a jubilee. Just as the Israelites partake in the Sabbath on the seventh day of the week, and abstain from work, the land itself was to be given a sabbath every 7th year. God also explains a rather interesting custom of debt repayment called the Law of Redemption. When an Israelite sells or rents his land, it is not gone from his family permanently; every Jubilee year he is given the chance to buy it back. Likewise, Israelites are not to enslave each other permanently, but rather employ their countrymen as indentured servants until the Jubilee year. Real slaves, God explains, "should come from the nations around you" (Lev 25:44). This reaffirms the fact that the Torah doesn't really give a shit about slavery, just the enslavement of Jews!
Chapter 26 starts out really nice, with God explaining how he will always remain with the Israelites if they keep their covenant with him. At first I thought he was just being sweet, telling the people "I shall establish my Tabernacle among you and never spurn you. I shall be ever present among you; I shall become your God and you will become my people" (Lev 26:11-12). But after this short, loving segment, God reveals himself to be a SCARY MOTHERFUCKER by describing in much more detail what he will do to the Israelites if they don't keep the covenant. As much as I don't want to give you nightmares, I feel compelled to share a few lines: "Instead of meat," God warns, "You will eat your sons and your daughters" (Lev 26:29). He then describes how he will ravage the countryside, incite wars, and "shall make those of you who are left in the land of your enemies so fearful that, when a leaf rustles behind them in the wind, they will run as if it were a sword after them" (Lev 26:36). Wow. Jesus Christ! Don't piss God off, guys!
I personally think Leviticus could have ended here to great effect, but instead we get chapter 27, which is boring and talks about how to make vows. You have to pay a certain amount of silver for these vows depending on how old you are, and if you don't have the right number of shekels the priests will assess your wealth and decide what you have to pay. Okay. Cool. Time for Numbers!
As I did for Leviticus, I will provide a little background information on Numbers, courtesy of my study bible. Numbers tells the story of the Israelites' forty years spent in the wilderness before entering Canaan. The title Numbers came from Greek and Latin translations and was chosen because of the "various censuses and general arithmetical precision that characterize the work." This is true! I'm four chapters in and I'm already sick of all the counting.
Chapter 1 opens, fittingly, with God instructing Moses to make a census of all the men in each tribe who are over the age of twenty and capable of bearing arms. Turns out there are 603,550 people who meet these qualifications! The text tells us specifically how many come from each tribe: Judah is most populous, while Manasseh, the tribe of Joseph's older son, is least. I am forced to wonder how exactly Moses managed to conduct this census, given the absurd number of people. According to the footnotes, these numbers are perhaps real, preserved from a period after the exile when the Israelites were already settled in Canaan -- but there is no way that these were the actual numbers of Israelites wandering around in the desert, because the wilderness could not support so many people for so long. And of course, in making these observations I am already taking the leap of faith that at some point Israelites actually were actually exiled in the desert!
The Levites, FYI, are subject to a different census because of their distinction as priests. In chapter 2 they are counted, and we find that Aaron's tribe numbers 22,300 people. God explains how the Israelites should set up their camp, with the Levites centered around the Tabernacle. Wow. How very interesting.
True to the book's title, Numbers really is just counting so far. I was going to share some funny names of biblical characters (there's a guy named Mushi!!!! Hahahaha!!!) and make a Pokemon joke, but at this point it just seems really unnecessary. I will leave it here for today. In spite of its dull beginning, I think Numbers has some potential to be a funny and interesting book. Stay tuned.
We begin today with a description of how to clean the lamps in the tabernacle, and instructions for the priests to bake twelve loafs of bread every week for the Sabbath; this totally refers to CHALLAH, which I'm going to make tomorrow at KOSHER COOKING CLUB!!! Oh man. I am so excited.
After these rules we receive a fun little anecdote about a half-Israelite, half-Egyptian man living in the camp. One day he gets into a tussle with a full Israelite man and "[utters] the holy name in blasphemy" (Lev 24:11). Moses asks God what to do about this, and God responds that he should "let the whole community stone him to death" (Lev 24:15). Oh geez. That's a pretty big punishment for saying "gosh darnit."
At the end of this chapter, God lays out his handy philosophy of "fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth" (Lev 24:20). Thanks for that one, God! You're a natural diplomat!
Chapter 25 discusses a frequently reoccurring topic: the sabbath, and namely the sabbath for the land, which is excitingly called a jubilee. Just as the Israelites partake in the Sabbath on the seventh day of the week, and abstain from work, the land itself was to be given a sabbath every 7th year. God also explains a rather interesting custom of debt repayment called the Law of Redemption. When an Israelite sells or rents his land, it is not gone from his family permanently; every Jubilee year he is given the chance to buy it back. Likewise, Israelites are not to enslave each other permanently, but rather employ their countrymen as indentured servants until the Jubilee year. Real slaves, God explains, "should come from the nations around you" (Lev 25:44). This reaffirms the fact that the Torah doesn't really give a shit about slavery, just the enslavement of Jews!
Chapter 26 starts out really nice, with God explaining how he will always remain with the Israelites if they keep their covenant with him. At first I thought he was just being sweet, telling the people "I shall establish my Tabernacle among you and never spurn you. I shall be ever present among you; I shall become your God and you will become my people" (Lev 26:11-12). But after this short, loving segment, God reveals himself to be a SCARY MOTHERFUCKER by describing in much more detail what he will do to the Israelites if they don't keep the covenant. As much as I don't want to give you nightmares, I feel compelled to share a few lines: "Instead of meat," God warns, "You will eat your sons and your daughters" (Lev 26:29). He then describes how he will ravage the countryside, incite wars, and "shall make those of you who are left in the land of your enemies so fearful that, when a leaf rustles behind them in the wind, they will run as if it were a sword after them" (Lev 26:36). Wow. Jesus Christ! Don't piss God off, guys!
I personally think Leviticus could have ended here to great effect, but instead we get chapter 27, which is boring and talks about how to make vows. You have to pay a certain amount of silver for these vows depending on how old you are, and if you don't have the right number of shekels the priests will assess your wealth and decide what you have to pay. Okay. Cool. Time for Numbers!
As I did for Leviticus, I will provide a little background information on Numbers, courtesy of my study bible. Numbers tells the story of the Israelites' forty years spent in the wilderness before entering Canaan. The title Numbers came from Greek and Latin translations and was chosen because of the "various censuses and general arithmetical precision that characterize the work." This is true! I'm four chapters in and I'm already sick of all the counting.
Chapter 1 opens, fittingly, with God instructing Moses to make a census of all the men in each tribe who are over the age of twenty and capable of bearing arms. Turns out there are 603,550 people who meet these qualifications! The text tells us specifically how many come from each tribe: Judah is most populous, while Manasseh, the tribe of Joseph's older son, is least. I am forced to wonder how exactly Moses managed to conduct this census, given the absurd number of people. According to the footnotes, these numbers are perhaps real, preserved from a period after the exile when the Israelites were already settled in Canaan -- but there is no way that these were the actual numbers of Israelites wandering around in the desert, because the wilderness could not support so many people for so long. And of course, in making these observations I am already taking the leap of faith that at some point Israelites actually were actually exiled in the desert!
The Levites, FYI, are subject to a different census because of their distinction as priests. In chapter 2 they are counted, and we find that Aaron's tribe numbers 22,300 people. God explains how the Israelites should set up their camp, with the Levites centered around the Tabernacle. Wow. How very interesting.
True to the book's title, Numbers really is just counting so far. I was going to share some funny names of biblical characters (there's a guy named Mushi!!!! Hahahaha!!!) and make a Pokemon joke, but at this point it just seems really unnecessary. I will leave it here for today. In spite of its dull beginning, I think Numbers has some potential to be a funny and interesting book. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Day 10, Leviticus 14-23
I think I spoke too soon in complaining about these books comprising mostly law, because today's reading was golden! It turns out that on top of telling us about skin disease and teaching us how to sacrifice rams, Leviticus also offers some invaluable lessons on genital discharge and sexual practices. Oh boy, oh boy! Is this book great or what?
Chapter 14 opens with a continuation of chapter 13's skin disease discussion. Basically, God carries on in excruciating detail explaining exactly how zits (and other skin deformities, I would presume) should be ritually cleansed. I don't get what the big stinking deal is about these skin problems -- we feel bad enough about them already, God! Don't drag us through these awful and embarrassing rituals just because we might have a zit on our nose, or a mole on our tush. I bet Charles Bukowski is pretty psyched he didn't live in biblical times, because if I remember correctly he had some kind of grotesque chronic acne as a teenager.
Chapter 14 also tells us about fungus, or more specifically what to do "if [God] inflict[s] a fungous infection upon a house" (Lev 14:34). God is going to inflict the fungus? What an asshole! Why are you inconveniencing everyone like this, God? Don't you have something better to do?
Things really heat up in chapter 15, which is all about what to do "when anyone has discharge from his private parts" (Lev 15:2). According to the footnotes, this chapter is actually referring to gonorrhea, which is a relief because -- if you will permit me to be gross for a moment -- I'm pretty sure most people have some form of genital discharge on a regular basis and these rules are pretty strict! For instance, no one can touch the person with the discharge. Anywhere the person sits or sleeps is "ritually unclean." If the infected party spits on a "ritually clean" person -- because apparently having gonorrhea makes you a jerk who spits on everyone -- they become "unclean till evening" (Lev 15:8). If they touch an earthenware bowl, it must be smashed. Is it just me, or is this kind of a mean thing to do to someone who is already probably pretty bummed about their gonorrhea?
This chapter also lays down guidelines for menstruation, which is to be approached in essentially the same way as gonorrhea: don't touch a menstrauting woman, anywhere she sleeps or sits is unclean, etc, etc. This also happens when a man produces semen, except his uncleanness lasts only until the end of the day, as opposed to seven days for women on their periods.
In chapter 16, God explains how the Israelites are supposed to atone for the sins of Aaron's sons, who -- as you may remember -- got smote down in our last reading for offering "illicit fire before the Lord" (Lev 16:1). Apparently getting killed by God isn't atonement enough, and the people have to make a big ol' sacrifice. The ritual is interesting in that it shows us how the community can atone for sin collectively -- something that was outlined earlier on -- and also because it leads to the introduction of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.
Chapter 17 explains how animals should be killed when one intends to eat them; according to the footnotes this chapter reflects the period immediately following the Babylonian exile, when the entire population of Jews lived in the area surrounding Jerusalem, because it is required that all Israelites present meat at the temple there before eating it. This rule will apparently be changed in Deuteronomy.
In chapter 18, we return to the fun stuff: sex laws! Here we learn that we shouldn't have sex with our mothers, sisters or sisters-in-law, aunts, grandchildren, etc. It seems like common sense but many of these things were permissible at earlier times, and were actually seen in the bible: for instance, marrying two sisters is forbidden here, but we know that Leah and Rachel were sisters and they both married Isaac without punishment. An even more textually contemporary example is Moses and Aaron, who were in fact the product of a marriage to an aunt.
Chapter 18 of Leviticus is also where we see that infamous line, "You must not lie with a man as with a woman; that is an abomination" (Lev 18:22). Considering that this chapter is bookended by explanations of complicated ritual sacrifices, intricate rules regarding the treatment of acne and fungus, and many other things that are SUPER RELEVANT TODAY, we should definitely take this line seriously and use it to dictate our modern laws.
Chapter 19 is referred to as the "Holiness Code" because it restates many of the aforementioned laws and outlines penalties for transgressions. One law that I particularly enjoyed is as follows: "Do not treat the deaf with contempt, or put an obstacle in the way of the blind" (Lev 19:14). What? We're not allowed to fuck with blind people? I thought the bible was all about fucking with people!!!
Some of the laws are kind of nice -- like the command to "love your neighbor as yourself" (Lev 19:18) -- and some of them are funny and weird, like the warning not to "debase your daughter by making her become a prostitute" (19:29). Thanks for the tip, God, I didn't know that was a bad thing.
Chapter 20 reiterates the sex teachings of chapter 18, but attaches penalties, most of which are brutal death, although sometimes the transgressors luck out and just get "cut off in the presence of their people" (Lev 20:17). Most of these sexual transgressions are simply said to "bring shame upon" their victims, although it should be noted that for a brother and sister to see each other unclothed is not just shameful but an "infamous disgrace." I wonder what makes it so infamous!
Chapter 21 talks about rules for joining the priesthood. The office is hereditary, passed down through the Levites, but even someone from the proper clan can be denied membership on the basis of several physical defects. In other words, NO FREAKS ALLOWED! This includes "a blind man, a lame man, a man stunted or overgrown, a man deformed in foot or hand, or with misshapen brows or a film over his eye or a discharge from it, a man who has a scab or eruption or has had a testicle ruptured" (Lev 21:18-20). You can't be too tall, too short, too ugly (no unibrows), and both your testicles must be intact. Seems fair. The importance of testicles is further emphasized in chapter 22, which talks more about animal sacrifices and consumption. "If its testicles have been crushed or bruised, torn or cut," God says on the topic of bulls and sheep, "do not present it to the Lord." (Lev 22:24).
Chapter 23 wraps up with a description of all the important holy days, which seem to get talked about a lot: Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashanah, Shavuot, Sukkot, and Passover. God offers his version of how these events are supposed to be observed, but I'm going to skip it and tell you my condensed take, as your friendly resident Jew. They are really boring services followed by food. Also, during Sukkot you get to build a treehouse or something. I don't know.
Tomorrow we finish Leviticus! Godspeed!
Chapter 14 opens with a continuation of chapter 13's skin disease discussion. Basically, God carries on in excruciating detail explaining exactly how zits (and other skin deformities, I would presume) should be ritually cleansed. I don't get what the big stinking deal is about these skin problems -- we feel bad enough about them already, God! Don't drag us through these awful and embarrassing rituals just because we might have a zit on our nose, or a mole on our tush. I bet Charles Bukowski is pretty psyched he didn't live in biblical times, because if I remember correctly he had some kind of grotesque chronic acne as a teenager.
Chapter 14 also tells us about fungus, or more specifically what to do "if [God] inflict[s] a fungous infection upon a house" (Lev 14:34). God is going to inflict the fungus? What an asshole! Why are you inconveniencing everyone like this, God? Don't you have something better to do?
Things really heat up in chapter 15, which is all about what to do "when anyone has discharge from his private parts" (Lev 15:2). According to the footnotes, this chapter is actually referring to gonorrhea, which is a relief because -- if you will permit me to be gross for a moment -- I'm pretty sure most people have some form of genital discharge on a regular basis and these rules are pretty strict! For instance, no one can touch the person with the discharge. Anywhere the person sits or sleeps is "ritually unclean." If the infected party spits on a "ritually clean" person -- because apparently having gonorrhea makes you a jerk who spits on everyone -- they become "unclean till evening" (Lev 15:8). If they touch an earthenware bowl, it must be smashed. Is it just me, or is this kind of a mean thing to do to someone who is already probably pretty bummed about their gonorrhea?
This chapter also lays down guidelines for menstruation, which is to be approached in essentially the same way as gonorrhea: don't touch a menstrauting woman, anywhere she sleeps or sits is unclean, etc, etc. This also happens when a man produces semen, except his uncleanness lasts only until the end of the day, as opposed to seven days for women on their periods.
In chapter 16, God explains how the Israelites are supposed to atone for the sins of Aaron's sons, who -- as you may remember -- got smote down in our last reading for offering "illicit fire before the Lord" (Lev 16:1). Apparently getting killed by God isn't atonement enough, and the people have to make a big ol' sacrifice. The ritual is interesting in that it shows us how the community can atone for sin collectively -- something that was outlined earlier on -- and also because it leads to the introduction of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.
Chapter 17 explains how animals should be killed when one intends to eat them; according to the footnotes this chapter reflects the period immediately following the Babylonian exile, when the entire population of Jews lived in the area surrounding Jerusalem, because it is required that all Israelites present meat at the temple there before eating it. This rule will apparently be changed in Deuteronomy.
In chapter 18, we return to the fun stuff: sex laws! Here we learn that we shouldn't have sex with our mothers, sisters or sisters-in-law, aunts, grandchildren, etc. It seems like common sense but many of these things were permissible at earlier times, and were actually seen in the bible: for instance, marrying two sisters is forbidden here, but we know that Leah and Rachel were sisters and they both married Isaac without punishment. An even more textually contemporary example is Moses and Aaron, who were in fact the product of a marriage to an aunt.
Chapter 18 of Leviticus is also where we see that infamous line, "You must not lie with a man as with a woman; that is an abomination" (Lev 18:22). Considering that this chapter is bookended by explanations of complicated ritual sacrifices, intricate rules regarding the treatment of acne and fungus, and many other things that are SUPER RELEVANT TODAY, we should definitely take this line seriously and use it to dictate our modern laws.
Chapter 19 is referred to as the "Holiness Code" because it restates many of the aforementioned laws and outlines penalties for transgressions. One law that I particularly enjoyed is as follows: "Do not treat the deaf with contempt, or put an obstacle in the way of the blind" (Lev 19:14). What? We're not allowed to fuck with blind people? I thought the bible was all about fucking with people!!!
Some of the laws are kind of nice -- like the command to "love your neighbor as yourself" (Lev 19:18) -- and some of them are funny and weird, like the warning not to "debase your daughter by making her become a prostitute" (19:29). Thanks for the tip, God, I didn't know that was a bad thing.
Chapter 20 reiterates the sex teachings of chapter 18, but attaches penalties, most of which are brutal death, although sometimes the transgressors luck out and just get "cut off in the presence of their people" (Lev 20:17). Most of these sexual transgressions are simply said to "bring shame upon" their victims, although it should be noted that for a brother and sister to see each other unclothed is not just shameful but an "infamous disgrace." I wonder what makes it so infamous!
Chapter 21 talks about rules for joining the priesthood. The office is hereditary, passed down through the Levites, but even someone from the proper clan can be denied membership on the basis of several physical defects. In other words, NO FREAKS ALLOWED! This includes "a blind man, a lame man, a man stunted or overgrown, a man deformed in foot or hand, or with misshapen brows or a film over his eye or a discharge from it, a man who has a scab or eruption or has had a testicle ruptured" (Lev 21:18-20). You can't be too tall, too short, too ugly (no unibrows), and both your testicles must be intact. Seems fair. The importance of testicles is further emphasized in chapter 22, which talks more about animal sacrifices and consumption. "If its testicles have been crushed or bruised, torn or cut," God says on the topic of bulls and sheep, "do not present it to the Lord." (Lev 22:24).
Chapter 23 wraps up with a description of all the important holy days, which seem to get talked about a lot: Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashanah, Shavuot, Sukkot, and Passover. God offers his version of how these events are supposed to be observed, but I'm going to skip it and tell you my condensed take, as your friendly resident Jew. They are really boring services followed by food. Also, during Sukkot you get to build a treehouse or something. I don't know.
Tomorrow we finish Leviticus! Godspeed!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Day 9, Leviticus 4-13
Today we delve deeper into Leviticus, which is a pretty annoying book. There is very little narrative structure compared to Exodus and Genesis, and the writers have an obnoxious habit of taking one chapter to explain rules in excruciating detail, then follow with another chapter where the biblical figures actually enact these laws, in word-for-word imitation of the explanation. It is tedious to read, and I profess I skimmed a little bit through some of these sections, but I've picked out a few gems to share with you, my devoted readership.
Chapters 4 and 5 tell us about the weird rituals to be observed in the case of inadvertent sin; these include testifying against someone without giving information, touching an "unclean" person or thing, and forgetting about a spoken oath. Pretty much every ritual involves chopping up animals and smearing blood everywhere, because apparently if you are covered in sacrificial guts it makes you cleaner. There is also a hierarchy of food items to be sacrificed out of respect for people who can't afford to find an unblemished male ram every time they do something stupid; they are also allowed to sacrifice a female goat, pigeon, or even flatbread, which seems like it would be a lot easier. In chapter 6 and 7, God explains the role of the Aaronite priesthood, who are actually allowed to eat a good portion of the leftover sacrifices. Mooches! According to God, "only Aaron's descendants may eat [these offerings]" (Lev 6:18), meaning they get to enjoy flatbread pizza with barbecued ram while everyone else is stuck eating "manna." How unfair!
However, there are a lot of crazy rules regarding all these sacrifices, and God makes it known in chapter 7 that following them all is a big stinkin' deal. For most transgressions -- such as eating food that has come into contact with something "unclean" or eating fat -- the penalty is being "cut off from [one's] father's kin" (Lev 7:21). So in other words, don't fuck up!
In chapter 8, Moses dresses Aaron and his sons in their fancy priest garb, which is described once again because it's so freaking interesting. They put on turbans and smear blood all over themselves, which means they would probably have a really hard time getting through airport security. It's a good thing they don't have to fly from San Francisco to Montreal with a stopover in Toronto, because it would probably take them even longer than it took me.
In chapter 9, the priests make more sacrifices, and in chapter 10 we see the repercussions of messing up, because Aaron's two oldest sons, Nadab and Abihu, "[present]...before the Lord illicit fire, such as he had not commanded them to present" (Lev 10:1). God kills them as punishment. Really, I don't see why anyone would make one of these elaborate and grotesque sacrifices unless it was absolutely necessary anyway, especially now that we see the risk involved!
Chapter 11 lays down the guidelines for dietary laws, what we now call kashrut or keeping kosher. Jews are supposed to only eat animals that are hoofed and chew cud, which eliminates a lot of good stuff and also a lot of weird stuff, like ham and chameleons.
In chapter 12, cleanliness guidelines are laid out for pregnancy and childbirth, with a longer period of uncleanliness following the birth of a female child. According to the footnotes, this is possibly because the birth of a daughter was seen as less desirable than the birth of a son. Well, that's nothing new. After all, biblical men get to grow up to wear turbans and smear blood all over the place, while women tend to be nothing but baby-makers. Clearly, the former is more important.
Chapter 13 explains rather lengthily how one must handle a skin disease. There are a lot of precautions to be taken in response to any physical blemish, and also in the case of mold growing on clothing. I won't go into too much detail about this because it's very specific and not particularly interesting -- if you really want to know you can read the section yourself -- but I will share my favorite passage: "Anyone who suffers from a virulent skin disease must wear torn clothes and have his hair all disheveled; he must conceal his upper lip and call out, 'Unclean, unclean.' So long as the sore persists, he is to be considered ritually unclean, and live alone, staying outside the camp" (Lev 13:45-46). Haha! How weird! It would certainly be tough to have a pimple in biblical times.
Anyway, sorry for the briefness of this entry. I suspect that Leviticus and possibly Numbers and Deuteronomy as well will not be the most interesting of books, but we will be done with them by next Wednesday and will return in due time to our charming narrative filled with scandal and sex and murder! Stay tuned.
Chapters 4 and 5 tell us about the weird rituals to be observed in the case of inadvertent sin; these include testifying against someone without giving information, touching an "unclean" person or thing, and forgetting about a spoken oath. Pretty much every ritual involves chopping up animals and smearing blood everywhere, because apparently if you are covered in sacrificial guts it makes you cleaner. There is also a hierarchy of food items to be sacrificed out of respect for people who can't afford to find an unblemished male ram every time they do something stupid; they are also allowed to sacrifice a female goat, pigeon, or even flatbread, which seems like it would be a lot easier. In chapter 6 and 7, God explains the role of the Aaronite priesthood, who are actually allowed to eat a good portion of the leftover sacrifices. Mooches! According to God, "only Aaron's descendants may eat [these offerings]" (Lev 6:18), meaning they get to enjoy flatbread pizza with barbecued ram while everyone else is stuck eating "manna." How unfair!
However, there are a lot of crazy rules regarding all these sacrifices, and God makes it known in chapter 7 that following them all is a big stinkin' deal. For most transgressions -- such as eating food that has come into contact with something "unclean" or eating fat -- the penalty is being "cut off from [one's] father's kin" (Lev 7:21). So in other words, don't fuck up!
In chapter 8, Moses dresses Aaron and his sons in their fancy priest garb, which is described once again because it's so freaking interesting. They put on turbans and smear blood all over themselves, which means they would probably have a really hard time getting through airport security. It's a good thing they don't have to fly from San Francisco to Montreal with a stopover in Toronto, because it would probably take them even longer than it took me.
In chapter 9, the priests make more sacrifices, and in chapter 10 we see the repercussions of messing up, because Aaron's two oldest sons, Nadab and Abihu, "[present]...before the Lord illicit fire, such as he had not commanded them to present" (Lev 10:1). God kills them as punishment. Really, I don't see why anyone would make one of these elaborate and grotesque sacrifices unless it was absolutely necessary anyway, especially now that we see the risk involved!
Chapter 11 lays down the guidelines for dietary laws, what we now call kashrut or keeping kosher. Jews are supposed to only eat animals that are hoofed and chew cud, which eliminates a lot of good stuff and also a lot of weird stuff, like ham and chameleons.
In chapter 12, cleanliness guidelines are laid out for pregnancy and childbirth, with a longer period of uncleanliness following the birth of a female child. According to the footnotes, this is possibly because the birth of a daughter was seen as less desirable than the birth of a son. Well, that's nothing new. After all, biblical men get to grow up to wear turbans and smear blood all over the place, while women tend to be nothing but baby-makers. Clearly, the former is more important.
Chapter 13 explains rather lengthily how one must handle a skin disease. There are a lot of precautions to be taken in response to any physical blemish, and also in the case of mold growing on clothing. I won't go into too much detail about this because it's very specific and not particularly interesting -- if you really want to know you can read the section yourself -- but I will share my favorite passage: "Anyone who suffers from a virulent skin disease must wear torn clothes and have his hair all disheveled; he must conceal his upper lip and call out, 'Unclean, unclean.' So long as the sore persists, he is to be considered ritually unclean, and live alone, staying outside the camp" (Lev 13:45-46). Haha! How weird! It would certainly be tough to have a pimple in biblical times.
Anyway, sorry for the briefness of this entry. I suspect that Leviticus and possibly Numbers and Deuteronomy as well will not be the most interesting of books, but we will be done with them by next Wednesday and will return in due time to our charming narrative filled with scandal and sex and murder! Stay tuned.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Day 8, Exodus 32-40, Leviticus 1-3
Good morning, and happy Sunday! I am glad to announce that I have made it through my first week of bible blogging unscathed -- that's to say, I'm able to keep up with it and God hasn't smote me down for being irreverent yet. Of course, we still have eleven weeks to go, so there is plenty of time for him to exact heavenly revenge.
Today's reading opens with the Israelites doing something so incredibly stupid that I'm forced to wonder if maybe they collectively got hit in the head with one too many pyramid bricks back in Egypt. As you remember, our last reading followed Moses on his trip up Mount Sinai, where he received some fascinating and not at all drawn out instructions about how to build a tabernacle. Chapter 32 lets us know what the tribes of Israel are up to during this forty day period, and as I've said, they aren't really using their thinking caps here.
In spite of the fact that they've been continually shown proof of God's presence, the Israelites get really bored of waiting for Moses to come down from the mountain and so they "[congregate] before Aaron and [say], 'Come, make us gods to go before us. As for this Moses, who brought us up from Egypt, we do not know what has become of him'" (Exodus 32:1). Okay. I can agree that forty days is a long freaking time, but come on, Israelites! If you had any idea what Moses is going through up there, listening to tabernacle instructions repeated over and over, you would suck it up and realize how lucky you are to just be allowed to chill and wait. Hasn't God given you enough reason to trust him yet?
Apparently not. Aaron shows no hesitation when presented with this plan, collecting all the golden jewelry from the people and melting it so he can form a golden calf. When it's done he proclaims it to be "your gods that brought you up from Egypt" (32:4), using the plural in spite of the fact that he only made one. Well, okay. The people make sacrifices to the idol, and "then [give] themselves up to revelry" (Exodus 32:6) which we can take to mean that everyone gets CRUNK.
This segment makes me wonder, though... Do the Israelites have ANY idea what's going on? It seems to me that most of these people have very little grasp of the fundamentals of their religion, as though their awareness of traditions eroded during the years of slavery. Do they even know they're supposed to worship one God? I really can't tell if they're complete asshole whiners, or just ignorant.
Anyway, way back up on Mount Sinai God tells Moses that the people have committed a terrible sin, and sends him down to discipline them. God is all set to "pour out [his] anger on them" (Exodus 32:10) but Moses shows his prowess as a therapist and talks God out of his fury: "Why pour out your anger on your people, whom you brought out of Egypt with great power and a strong hand? Why let the Egyptians say, 'He meant evil when he took them out, to kill them in the mountains and wipe them off the face of the earth'? Turn from your anger, and think better of the evil you intend against your people'" (Exodus 32:11-12). Good point, Moses! Well put! But when Moses sees the revelry of the Israelites, even he cannot fully contain his anger, "[flinging] down the tablets and [shattering] them at the foot of the mountain" (Exodus 32:19). Then he grinds the calf into powder and makes the Israelites drink it in their water, like it's that Emergen-C vitamin drink or something.
In spite of the fact that he totally enabled all this sinful activity, Aaron tries to worm his way out of it by telling Moses, "You know how wicked the people are" (Exodus 32:22). Although I personally feel that the asshole should own up for his misdeeds, Moses is satisfied by this response and Aaron remains high priest. The Levites -- which is Moses and Aaron's tribe, in case you forgot -- fulfill their priestly duties by killing about three thousand of the Israelites, presumably those who participated most enthusiastically in the idol worship. Kind of funny how God can give the instruction "Each of you kill brother, friend, neighbor" (Exodus 32:27) only a few short chapters after he lists murder as one of the big no-nos on the Ten Commandments.
In chapter 33 and 34, the gang finally gets moving again, as God sends them off in the direction of the "promised land." Unfortunately, he is unable to go with them because he fears "that [he] should destroy [the tribes] on the way, for [they] are a stubborn people" (Exodus 33:3). In other words, the Jews piss him off too much. The Israelites are pretty bummed about this, but they keep on keeping on, and Moses maintains his communication with God by setting up a "Tent of Meeting" outside camp each night. In this tent, he can talk to God "face to face, as one man speaks to another" (Exodus 33:11). That's pretty cool! I don't think anyone else has been able to do that yet! During their chats, Moses is able to convince God to lead the Israelites himself, and the dynamic duo also remake the two stone tablets that Moses smashed against the mountain -- although this takes another forty days, during which Moses goes "without food or drink" (Exodus 34:28). Geez Louise!
Moses emerges from the meetings with God with his skin aglow and shiny, because of the divine presence. Interestingly, in one well known Latin translation, this is mistranslated as "Moses's face had horns." First of all, that's a really scary image! What, is he the elephant man or something now? Second of all, this led -- remarkably -- to the adoption of horned headpieces by ancient priests. Now that's what I call a lapse in communication!
In Chapter 35, the Sabbath laws are restated, possibly because they were destroyed when Moses smashed the original stone tablets. Then Moses spends the rest of the chapter explaining to the people how they are to build the tabernacle, which is great, because I don't think we've heard anything about a tabernacle before! Oh wait, we already had like FIVE CHAPTERS ABOUT IT? Well good thing it's so interesting because we have some MORE!!!! I am dismayed to say that the rest of Exodus centers around the making of the tabernacle, and we get to hear again about exactly how many cubits this piece of wood should be and exactly how many holes should be punched in this piece of cloth and so on and so forth. In chapters 36 and 37 the people work, under the leadership of Bezalel and Oholiab, and in chapters 38 through 40 the tabernacle is completed and filled with lots of cool stuff like gold and incense.
In case you are wondering, because I had no idea whatsoever, a tabernacle is a portable dwelling place for a divine presence. In cloud form, God inhabited the tabernacle and guided the Israelites towards the promised land.
Here's a picture!
Today's reading opens with the Israelites doing something so incredibly stupid that I'm forced to wonder if maybe they collectively got hit in the head with one too many pyramid bricks back in Egypt. As you remember, our last reading followed Moses on his trip up Mount Sinai, where he received some fascinating and not at all drawn out instructions about how to build a tabernacle. Chapter 32 lets us know what the tribes of Israel are up to during this forty day period, and as I've said, they aren't really using their thinking caps here.
In spite of the fact that they've been continually shown proof of God's presence, the Israelites get really bored of waiting for Moses to come down from the mountain and so they "[congregate] before Aaron and [say], 'Come, make us gods to go before us. As for this Moses, who brought us up from Egypt, we do not know what has become of him'" (Exodus 32:1). Okay. I can agree that forty days is a long freaking time, but come on, Israelites! If you had any idea what Moses is going through up there, listening to tabernacle instructions repeated over and over, you would suck it up and realize how lucky you are to just be allowed to chill and wait. Hasn't God given you enough reason to trust him yet?
Apparently not. Aaron shows no hesitation when presented with this plan, collecting all the golden jewelry from the people and melting it so he can form a golden calf. When it's done he proclaims it to be "your gods that brought you up from Egypt" (32:4), using the plural in spite of the fact that he only made one. Well, okay. The people make sacrifices to the idol, and "then [give] themselves up to revelry" (Exodus 32:6) which we can take to mean that everyone gets CRUNK.
This segment makes me wonder, though... Do the Israelites have ANY idea what's going on? It seems to me that most of these people have very little grasp of the fundamentals of their religion, as though their awareness of traditions eroded during the years of slavery. Do they even know they're supposed to worship one God? I really can't tell if they're complete asshole whiners, or just ignorant.
Anyway, way back up on Mount Sinai God tells Moses that the people have committed a terrible sin, and sends him down to discipline them. God is all set to "pour out [his] anger on them" (Exodus 32:10) but Moses shows his prowess as a therapist and talks God out of his fury: "Why pour out your anger on your people, whom you brought out of Egypt with great power and a strong hand? Why let the Egyptians say, 'He meant evil when he took them out, to kill them in the mountains and wipe them off the face of the earth'? Turn from your anger, and think better of the evil you intend against your people'" (Exodus 32:11-12). Good point, Moses! Well put! But when Moses sees the revelry of the Israelites, even he cannot fully contain his anger, "[flinging] down the tablets and [shattering] them at the foot of the mountain" (Exodus 32:19). Then he grinds the calf into powder and makes the Israelites drink it in their water, like it's that Emergen-C vitamin drink or something.
In spite of the fact that he totally enabled all this sinful activity, Aaron tries to worm his way out of it by telling Moses, "You know how wicked the people are" (Exodus 32:22). Although I personally feel that the asshole should own up for his misdeeds, Moses is satisfied by this response and Aaron remains high priest. The Levites -- which is Moses and Aaron's tribe, in case you forgot -- fulfill their priestly duties by killing about three thousand of the Israelites, presumably those who participated most enthusiastically in the idol worship. Kind of funny how God can give the instruction "Each of you kill brother, friend, neighbor" (Exodus 32:27) only a few short chapters after he lists murder as one of the big no-nos on the Ten Commandments.
In chapter 33 and 34, the gang finally gets moving again, as God sends them off in the direction of the "promised land." Unfortunately, he is unable to go with them because he fears "that [he] should destroy [the tribes] on the way, for [they] are a stubborn people" (Exodus 33:3). In other words, the Jews piss him off too much. The Israelites are pretty bummed about this, but they keep on keeping on, and Moses maintains his communication with God by setting up a "Tent of Meeting" outside camp each night. In this tent, he can talk to God "face to face, as one man speaks to another" (Exodus 33:11). That's pretty cool! I don't think anyone else has been able to do that yet! During their chats, Moses is able to convince God to lead the Israelites himself, and the dynamic duo also remake the two stone tablets that Moses smashed against the mountain -- although this takes another forty days, during which Moses goes "without food or drink" (Exodus 34:28). Geez Louise!
Moses emerges from the meetings with God with his skin aglow and shiny, because of the divine presence. Interestingly, in one well known Latin translation, this is mistranslated as "Moses's face had horns." First of all, that's a really scary image! What, is he the elephant man or something now? Second of all, this led -- remarkably -- to the adoption of horned headpieces by ancient priests. Now that's what I call a lapse in communication!
In Chapter 35, the Sabbath laws are restated, possibly because they were destroyed when Moses smashed the original stone tablets. Then Moses spends the rest of the chapter explaining to the people how they are to build the tabernacle, which is great, because I don't think we've heard anything about a tabernacle before! Oh wait, we already had like FIVE CHAPTERS ABOUT IT? Well good thing it's so interesting because we have some MORE!!!! I am dismayed to say that the rest of Exodus centers around the making of the tabernacle, and we get to hear again about exactly how many cubits this piece of wood should be and exactly how many holes should be punched in this piece of cloth and so on and so forth. In chapters 36 and 37 the people work, under the leadership of Bezalel and Oholiab, and in chapters 38 through 40 the tabernacle is completed and filled with lots of cool stuff like gold and incense.
In case you are wondering, because I had no idea whatsoever, a tabernacle is a portable dwelling place for a divine presence. In cloud form, God inhabited the tabernacle and guided the Israelites towards the promised land.
Here's a picture!
Neat! Anyway, with that being said, we have now completed the Book of Exodus. Onto Leviticus!
I will preface with a bit of background: the word Leviticus is derived from Levite, the tribe of the priests. To my knowledge, the book contains mostly law (no more crazy stories... sorry guys!) and according to the footnotes of my study bible, here's what we should expect: guidelines for making offerings and sacrifices, the ordination of the Aaronite priests, rules regarding cleanness, an explanation of Yom Kippur (the annual Day of Atonement), something called the "Holiness Code", and regulations for the fulfillment of religious vows. Wow! Pretty exciting.
The first three chapters focus on grain or animal sacrifices and are really gross, explicitly outlining exactly how animals should be dismembered -- for instance, when sacrificing pigeons one must "wrench off the head [and] burn [it] on the altar" (Lev 1:15). And that's just a start. I feel like PETA would have a field day with this stuff.
Also, a bit of interesting etymology: what word is often used to describe the whole-offering of an animal by fire? Holocaust, from the Greek holókaustos, meaning "wholly burnt." How fascinating that this was the name later given to the German extermination of Jews during World War II.
Since we've covered a lot of ground today, I won't go into agonizing detail about all the gross ritual practices... That's for tomorrow! But I will add in one additional note: at the end of chapter 3, it is stated that "All fat belongs to the Lord" (Lev 3:16). I am in favor of this. Take it, God! My love handles are yours!
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