As you may remember, yesterday's section ended with Elijah killing all the dumb false prophets in a valley and then going for a pleasant jog in the rain. When Ahab and his evil wife Jezebel catch wind of this, they plot to kill the charming young prophet, and he is forced to hide in a cave. While there, Elijah gets super depressed and prays for death, but the next morning he awakes to find a MAGICAL CAKE FROM GOD which lifts his spirits and allows him to carry on. He leaves the cave and receives instructions to enter Damascus and anoint a new king for Aram and Israel, and to appoint a fellow named Elisha to be his disciple. Elisha and Elijah! Alliterations are so CUTE!!! They are like those twin boys who were in the news a few years back, Oranjello and Lemonjello. Gee whiz.
In chapter 20, Ahab encounters some hostility from the Aramite king and when he proves too demanding, the Israelite kingdom is drawn into war. After a bit of a tussle the Israelites prevail, although Ahab does wrong (again) by allowing the king to survive in exchange for a generous peace treaty. A prophet wishes to convey these misdeeds to the king, so bizarrely, he asks a soldier to punch him in the face. That makes so much sense! The soldier refuses and is subsequently eaten by a lion, but luckily the next soldier he asks is compliant. Now in "disguise" with an eyepatch, the prophet confronts Ahab, reveals himself, and tells him that God is not very happy. Well, what else is new?
Chapter 21 really shows off how sinister Ahab and Jezebel are. An important note about these two is that Jezebel really does seem to have a significant relationship with Ahab, and together they are a sort of dynamic duo of evil. I tend to envision them something like this:
Anyway, Ahab decides he wants a vineyard owned by a guy named Naboth, but -- as we learned back in the Torah -- it is forbidden to give away or sell land that you inherit. When Naboth conveys this unfortunate news, Ahab "take[s] to his bed, cover[s] his face, and refuse[s] to eat" (1 Kings 21:4). Oh my god, what a whiner! Jezebel, meanwhile, constructs a plan to sneakily kill off Naboth and seize the vineyard.
Since the "good guys" (relatively speaking) generally prevail in the bible, A&J don't get away with their scheme. Elijah, badass that he is, cracks down and tells them that they will be eaten by dogs for their crime, and so on and so forth.
The last chapter of the saga describes another boring war against the Aramaens, notable because it includes Ahab's death. Like the sneaky son of a gun he is, Ahab attempts to disguise himself in battle to avoid special attention, but one of the rival soldiers accidentally shoots him anyway. This chapter also features the arrival of a prophet named Micaiah, who foretells the death. Good for him.
The second book of Kings is actually just a direct continuation of the first book, and opens in the aftermath of the battle. Ahab's son Ahaziah has succeeded him in Israel, and Jehoshaphat is succeeded by Joram. At this point I regretfully realize that I never once used the phrase "Jumpin' Jehoshaphat!" during Big J's reign, which is a pity. I will try to slip it in later on, but I doubt it will have the same effect.
Anyway, don't get too attached to Ahaziah because his reign is pretty darn short. At the beginning of chapter 1, he falls out a window and requests that a Canaanite prophet ask Baal whether or not he will recover. When Elijah hears this news he gets super mad and declares to the messengers that Ahaziah "will not rise from the bed where [he is] lying; [he] will die" (2 Kings 1:4). The messengers relay this news to Ahaziah, and upon hearing that the prophet in question was "a hairy man...with a leather belt" (2 Kings 1:8), he knows that it is Elijah. He sends three companies of fifty men to talk to Elijah, perhaps to confirm the news, but communication between the two groups is made difficult by the fact that Elijah keeps burning up the troops with holy fire. At the end of the chapter Ahaziah dies and is succeeded by his brother, Jehoram. Is it just me, or does everyone have the same name? Jehoram? Jeroboam? What is wrong with Buster, people?
Chapter 2 provides us with further evidence that Elijah is a BOSS. Apparently God has decided that now is the time for Elijah to ascend to heaven, so he and Elisha trek to the Jordan River, which Elijah parts with his staff a la Moses. At this point a freakin' CHARIOT OF FIRE arrives and takes him away. So. Goddamn. Cool.
Before his departure, Elijah promised Elisha that he would pass on a "double share of [his] spirit" (2 Kings 2:8). So once Elijah flies away in the coolest possible fashion -- yes, even cooler than Ron and Harry in the flying Ford Anglia -- Elisha inherits his powers and is able to part the waters of the Jordan and perform other assorted miracles.
Chapter 3 concerns a war with Moab, which is pretty standard. The kings of Israel, Judah, and Edom unite in the battle, and Elisha comes to assist them even though he is quick to mention to Jehoram that he "would not spare a look or glance for [him] if it were not for [his] regard for King Jehoshaphat of Judah" (2 Kings 3:14). Burn! Anyway, the war unfolds in favor of Team Israel and as a last ditch effort, the Moabite king sacrifices his SON as an appeal to his god.
Chapters 4 and 5 concern the miracles of Elisha, which are nothing short of Jesus-like. On top of all the normal stuff like making food multiply, he also befriends a kind but aged woman and causes her to conceive a son. A few years later the boy is struck with some sort of illness and dies; at first Elisha's crappy servant Gehazi tries to revive him, but he is unsuccessful, so Elisha "put[s] his mouth to the child's mouth, his eyes to his eyes, and his hands to his hands" (2 Kings 4:34), which resurrects the lad. Good thing, too, because I'm pretty sure that under ordinary circumstances, doing that to a dead child can get you put in jail.
In chapter 5, Elisha cures a leper and Gehazi proves himself once again to be stupid and incompetent, because he has the nerve to secretly solicit payment from the well-to-do ex-leper and then lie about it to his master. Elisha responds by transferring the leprosy to his servant. Hah! Don't fuck with these guys! Seriously!
No, seriously, when are you biblical characters going to learn?
More Kings tomorrow and Wednesday, then we move onto Chronicles. Godspeed, friends!
One of my favourite beautiful biblical moments happened in this reading! When Elijah goes onto the mountain and there's a big fire and an earthquake and whatever else, but God isn't in any of those things, but instead is found in "the sound of a low whisper" (1 Kings 19:21). The original Hebrew word that is used is unique to this passage; it's never recorded anywhere else. The closest that scholars can come to translating it is "the sound of sheer silence". How awesome is that??
ReplyDelete