Good morning, friends. Today we finish up Kings, and boy, what a depressing tome this turns out to be. It's funny, because even though I was familiar with a lot of the stories contained in these volumes, the impact is so much more profound when you actually read them in order. You really get to see what a bunch of fuck-ups these kings of Israel and Judah were. Take my word for it: context is everything!
Today's reading kicks off with a new Judahite king named Ahaz. He is pretty corrupt, and does naughty things like human sacrifices, but this is old hat by now and what is really of interest is the scandal ensuing up north in Israel! Under the reign of a fellow named Hoshea, Samaria is captured by the Assyrians and the people are deported. God offers them protection if they make another covenant with him, but the people are idiots as usual and insist on "following their worthless idols [so that] they be[come] worthless themselves" (2 Kings 17:15). Harsh!
Now, these shenanigans have been going on for awhile, but apparently this time is the straw that breaks the camel's back. God banishes the ten Israelite tribes, sending them "to exile in Assyria...[where] they are to this day" (2 Kings 17:23). Oh man. I have to say, even I didn't quite see that one coming.
Meanwhile, a whole bunch of Assyrian folks move into Israel -- or Samaria -- and bring all their bizarre cultural practices with them. Oh geez.
Back in Judah, Ahaz's son Hezekiah becomes king and does a pretty decent job, actually destroying the shrines. FINALLY! When I first read this I got really excited, but I urge you not to get too enthusiastic because... spoiler alert... they come back. But let's not get ahead of ourselves! We're still on chapter 18 right now, which concerns Hezekiah's reign and includes an interesting conflict with Assyria. The king, who has already established a presence in Samaria, manages to capture all the fortified towns in Judah, and attempts to invade Jerusalem. A charming diplomatic dialogue takes place between the comptroller of the royal household and some Assyrian officers, who accuse the Israelites of "eat[ing] their own dung and drink[ing] their own urine" (2 Kings 18:31). Is this a South Park episode or the bible? Or... BOTH?! Is the bible actually the first South Park episode of all time? Something to ponder.
Anyway, to make a long story short, Judah triumphs over the Assyrians even though their victory was incredibly unlikely. God helps a little bit. You know the drill.
In chapter 20, Hezekiah gets sick and is visited by a prophet named Isaiah, who at first tells him that he is going to die. He prays to God and is so gosh darn convincing that the deity changes his mind and Isaiah informs Hezekiah that he will live for fifteen more years, but also prophesies that one day in the future, the people of Judah "will be taken...to serve as eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon" (2 Kings 29:18). Like a self-absorbed asshole, Hezekiah comments that this is GOOD just because he knows it won't happen in his lifetime.
In chapter 21, Hezekiah's twelve year old son Manasseh assumes the throne and does a pretty terrible job at running things: he makes human sacrifices, worships Baal, consorts with ghosts, and REBUILDS THE GODDAMN SHRINES. Like he did with Israel a few chapters earlier, these displays of wickedness cause God to pull the trigger on Judah and announce the nation's impending doom. Manasseh is succeeded by his son Amon, who is assassinated two years into his reign and replaced by his son, Josiah.
Being a decent person must skip two generations, because Josiah is actually a good king. He gets rid of the shrines and abolishes all the sick practices that had become the norm, but this is an unfortunate case of the old adage, "Too little, too late." God does not forgive Judah for the transgressions of Josiah's forefathers, but he agrees to wait until after the monarch's death to wreak divine havoc.
Chapter 23 details the rest of Josiah's reign, including his continued efforts to clean up Judah. His life comes to a grisly end -- he is murdered by the Egyptian Pharaoh, Necho -- and his son Jehoahaz succeeds him.
After Josiah's death a few more kings rule the land, but none of them are particularly competent and at this point things are in an inescapable downward spiral. Jerusalem is taken under Babylonian siege and the current king, Zedekiah, is imprisoned. His "sons [are] slain before his eyes... [and] his eyes [are] put out" (2 Kings 25:7). The houses of aristocratic families are burned down. The high priests are flogged to death. The people are exiled once again.
What a bummer way for things to turn out! After the monarchy began so promisingly with David, his offspring were almost shockingly disappointing. Next on our reading agenda is Chronicles, which I'm pretty sure is a more detailed recap of kingly activity during this period. It will occupy us for about a week, and then we will move onto Ezra and find out what is going to happen to these poor losers!
Showing posts with label 2 Kings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2 Kings. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Day 31, 2 Kings 6-15
I hate to disappoint, but today's reading was mostly garbage: wars, the succession of kings, and not a lot of interesting new material. Although I read ten chapters, I feel like I read the same one over and over again because EVERYONE HAS THE SAME GODDAMN NAME and ALL THE WARS ARE THE SAME.
I was going to do a typical entry and give you guys a summary of everything that went down, while pointing out all instances of cannibalism and incest and so on, but given how convoluted these chapters are, I just don't think it would be particularly fun. In the entry for Day 28 I provided a family tree for the two kingdoms, which I urge you to reference again. Today's reading took us to the reign of Pekah in Israel and Ahaz in Judah.
Basically, these chapters summarized in a few paragraphs the activities of each king, almost all of whom "did wrong in the eyes of the Lord." Military conflicts and internal conspiracies arise continuously, and the tribes have mixed success against their enemies. Of particular note, the increasing dominance of Syria (or Aram) in the region is established. Also, although a handful of Judah's kings actually aren't total fuck-ups in God's eyes, none of them so far have managed to get rid of the shrines.
Rather than actually attempt to summarize all the murders and usurping and begetting that goes on, I think I'll just go through each chapter and share the parts I liked. I hope you don't think I'm being lazy! It's really just kind of dull and I think you can get the general picture from what I've already said.
Chapter 6 concerns a war with Syria, interesting only because a woman tells this story to the king of Israel: "A woman said to me, 'Give up your child for us to eat today, and we will eat mine tomorrow.' So we cooked my son and ate him; but when I said to her the next day, 'Now give up your child for us to eat,' she had hidden him" (2 Kings 6:28-29). Oh man. That's wild!
In chapter 7, four lepers explore the Syrian camp and discover that the armies have fled because God played some sort of crazy trick and scared them away. The lepers convey this news to the people, and the king sends his troops to scope things out. Incidentally Israel is in the midst of a famine, and the day before Elisha had made a creepy prophecy to the king that grain would cost only a shekel at the gate of Samaria, and he would "see it with [his] own eyes, but... not eat any of it" (2 Kings 7:2). This prophecy comes true, as the king is trampled to death by his own subjects as they run to buy food!
Chapter 8 and 9 are rather unremarkable, containing assorted confusing genealogies, conspiracies, and random deaths. Jezebel is killed in chapter 9, and as predicted, her body is eaten by dogs. This all goes down during the reign of Jehu, who usurps the crown from Ahab's family line and spends chapter 10 brutally killing everyone affiliated with Ahab or the Canaanite religion. He actually comes up with a clever ruse to kill all the infidel priests, by pretending to throw a big party for Baal, gathering the prophets, and then sicking his armies on them. However, Jehu is no Pablo Pious himself, since he worships golden calves. By the way, I just made up "Pablo Pious." It's like "Debbie Downer." Pretty good, huh?!!
Chapter 11 takes us through the reigns of even more kings, one of which excited me because the monarch in question, Joash, is only seven years old when he assumes the crown! That's awesome! Chapter 12 details his reign, and he turns out to be a pretty good king.
Chapter 13 is actually kind of interesting, since it describes Elisha's death and gives us two more miracle stories. In the first, Elisha meets with Jehoash, the king of Israel, while on his deathbed. He instructs the king to shoot his arrows out the window, then to shoot them into the ground; this is supposed to help in the constant wars against Syria. Jehoash obeys these instructions but only shoots three arrows into the ground, which APPARENTLY is not good enough, because Elisha gets super pissed and tells him, "You should have struck five or six times; then you would have defeated Aram utterly; as it is, you will strike Aram three times and no more" (2 Kings 13:19).
How's a guy to know?!
Elisha dies after this and is buried. During war time, people would sometimes inadvertently throw bodies into his grave, and they would be resurrected!
Chapters 14 and 15 resume the parade of uninteresting kings. There's a line where someone "rip[s] open every pregnant woman" (2 Kings 15:16). That's always fun. Not as fun as cannibalism, but pretty fun.
I sincerely hope this entry was not a festering heap of mediocrity. I don't want to speed through things or neglect details, but the details were just so... freaking... useless... To my knowledge, the Book of Chronicles will retell many of these stories in more detail, so we will get to know these charming monarchs better in due time... But for now, I've had a bit of difficulty making sense of things and I don't want to bore you with my puzzlement.
We finish Kings tomorrow. Onward!
I was going to do a typical entry and give you guys a summary of everything that went down, while pointing out all instances of cannibalism and incest and so on, but given how convoluted these chapters are, I just don't think it would be particularly fun. In the entry for Day 28 I provided a family tree for the two kingdoms, which I urge you to reference again. Today's reading took us to the reign of Pekah in Israel and Ahaz in Judah.
Basically, these chapters summarized in a few paragraphs the activities of each king, almost all of whom "did wrong in the eyes of the Lord." Military conflicts and internal conspiracies arise continuously, and the tribes have mixed success against their enemies. Of particular note, the increasing dominance of Syria (or Aram) in the region is established. Also, although a handful of Judah's kings actually aren't total fuck-ups in God's eyes, none of them so far have managed to get rid of the shrines.
Rather than actually attempt to summarize all the murders and usurping and begetting that goes on, I think I'll just go through each chapter and share the parts I liked. I hope you don't think I'm being lazy! It's really just kind of dull and I think you can get the general picture from what I've already said.
Chapter 6 concerns a war with Syria, interesting only because a woman tells this story to the king of Israel: "A woman said to me, 'Give up your child for us to eat today, and we will eat mine tomorrow.' So we cooked my son and ate him; but when I said to her the next day, 'Now give up your child for us to eat,' she had hidden him" (2 Kings 6:28-29). Oh man. That's wild!
In chapter 7, four lepers explore the Syrian camp and discover that the armies have fled because God played some sort of crazy trick and scared them away. The lepers convey this news to the people, and the king sends his troops to scope things out. Incidentally Israel is in the midst of a famine, and the day before Elisha had made a creepy prophecy to the king that grain would cost only a shekel at the gate of Samaria, and he would "see it with [his] own eyes, but... not eat any of it" (2 Kings 7:2). This prophecy comes true, as the king is trampled to death by his own subjects as they run to buy food!
Chapter 8 and 9 are rather unremarkable, containing assorted confusing genealogies, conspiracies, and random deaths. Jezebel is killed in chapter 9, and as predicted, her body is eaten by dogs. This all goes down during the reign of Jehu, who usurps the crown from Ahab's family line and spends chapter 10 brutally killing everyone affiliated with Ahab or the Canaanite religion. He actually comes up with a clever ruse to kill all the infidel priests, by pretending to throw a big party for Baal, gathering the prophets, and then sicking his armies on them. However, Jehu is no Pablo Pious himself, since he worships golden calves. By the way, I just made up "Pablo Pious." It's like "Debbie Downer." Pretty good, huh?!!
Chapter 11 takes us through the reigns of even more kings, one of which excited me because the monarch in question, Joash, is only seven years old when he assumes the crown! That's awesome! Chapter 12 details his reign, and he turns out to be a pretty good king.
Chapter 13 is actually kind of interesting, since it describes Elisha's death and gives us two more miracle stories. In the first, Elisha meets with Jehoash, the king of Israel, while on his deathbed. He instructs the king to shoot his arrows out the window, then to shoot them into the ground; this is supposed to help in the constant wars against Syria. Jehoash obeys these instructions but only shoots three arrows into the ground, which APPARENTLY is not good enough, because Elisha gets super pissed and tells him, "You should have struck five or six times; then you would have defeated Aram utterly; as it is, you will strike Aram three times and no more" (2 Kings 13:19).
How's a guy to know?!
Elisha dies after this and is buried. During war time, people would sometimes inadvertently throw bodies into his grave, and they would be resurrected!
Chapters 14 and 15 resume the parade of uninteresting kings. There's a line where someone "rip[s] open every pregnant woman" (2 Kings 15:16). That's always fun. Not as fun as cannibalism, but pretty fun.
I sincerely hope this entry was not a festering heap of mediocrity. I don't want to speed through things or neglect details, but the details were just so... freaking... useless... To my knowledge, the Book of Chronicles will retell many of these stories in more detail, so we will get to know these charming monarchs better in due time... But for now, I've had a bit of difficulty making sense of things and I don't want to bore you with my puzzlement.
We finish Kings tomorrow. Onward!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Day 30, 1 Kings 19-22, 2 Kings 1-5
My friends, we have arrived at the one month marker! We have completed a third of our bible-reading quest! For everyone reading along with me, give yourselves a pat on the back.
As you may remember, yesterday's section ended with Elijah killing all the dumb false prophets in a valley and then going for a pleasant jog in the rain. When Ahab and his evil wife Jezebel catch wind of this, they plot to kill the charming young prophet, and he is forced to hide in a cave. While there, Elijah gets super depressed and prays for death, but the next morning he awakes to find a MAGICAL CAKE FROM GOD which lifts his spirits and allows him to carry on. He leaves the cave and receives instructions to enter Damascus and anoint a new king for Aram and Israel, and to appoint a fellow named Elisha to be his disciple. Elisha and Elijah! Alliterations are so CUTE!!! They are like those twin boys who were in the news a few years back, Oranjello and Lemonjello. Gee whiz.
In chapter 20, Ahab encounters some hostility from the Aramite king and when he proves too demanding, the Israelite kingdom is drawn into war. After a bit of a tussle the Israelites prevail, although Ahab does wrong (again) by allowing the king to survive in exchange for a generous peace treaty. A prophet wishes to convey these misdeeds to the king, so bizarrely, he asks a soldier to punch him in the face. That makes so much sense! The soldier refuses and is subsequently eaten by a lion, but luckily the next soldier he asks is compliant. Now in "disguise" with an eyepatch, the prophet confronts Ahab, reveals himself, and tells him that God is not very happy. Well, what else is new?
Chapter 21 really shows off how sinister Ahab and Jezebel are. An important note about these two is that Jezebel really does seem to have a significant relationship with Ahab, and together they are a sort of dynamic duo of evil. I tend to envision them something like this:
Anyway, Ahab decides he wants a vineyard owned by a guy named Naboth, but -- as we learned back in the Torah -- it is forbidden to give away or sell land that you inherit. When Naboth conveys this unfortunate news, Ahab "take[s] to his bed, cover[s] his face, and refuse[s] to eat" (1 Kings 21:4). Oh my god, what a whiner! Jezebel, meanwhile, constructs a plan to sneakily kill off Naboth and seize the vineyard.
Since the "good guys" (relatively speaking) generally prevail in the bible, A&J don't get away with their scheme. Elijah, badass that he is, cracks down and tells them that they will be eaten by dogs for their crime, and so on and so forth.
The last chapter of the saga describes another boring war against the Aramaens, notable because it includes Ahab's death. Like the sneaky son of a gun he is, Ahab attempts to disguise himself in battle to avoid special attention, but one of the rival soldiers accidentally shoots him anyway. This chapter also features the arrival of a prophet named Micaiah, who foretells the death. Good for him.
The second book of Kings is actually just a direct continuation of the first book, and opens in the aftermath of the battle. Ahab's son Ahaziah has succeeded him in Israel, and Jehoshaphat is succeeded by Joram. At this point I regretfully realize that I never once used the phrase "Jumpin' Jehoshaphat!" during Big J's reign, which is a pity. I will try to slip it in later on, but I doubt it will have the same effect.
Anyway, don't get too attached to Ahaziah because his reign is pretty darn short. At the beginning of chapter 1, he falls out a window and requests that a Canaanite prophet ask Baal whether or not he will recover. When Elijah hears this news he gets super mad and declares to the messengers that Ahaziah "will not rise from the bed where [he is] lying; [he] will die" (2 Kings 1:4). The messengers relay this news to Ahaziah, and upon hearing that the prophet in question was "a hairy man...with a leather belt" (2 Kings 1:8), he knows that it is Elijah. He sends three companies of fifty men to talk to Elijah, perhaps to confirm the news, but communication between the two groups is made difficult by the fact that Elijah keeps burning up the troops with holy fire. At the end of the chapter Ahaziah dies and is succeeded by his brother, Jehoram. Is it just me, or does everyone have the same name? Jehoram? Jeroboam? What is wrong with Buster, people?
Chapter 2 provides us with further evidence that Elijah is a BOSS. Apparently God has decided that now is the time for Elijah to ascend to heaven, so he and Elisha trek to the Jordan River, which Elijah parts with his staff a la Moses. At this point a freakin' CHARIOT OF FIRE arrives and takes him away. So. Goddamn. Cool.
Before his departure, Elijah promised Elisha that he would pass on a "double share of [his] spirit" (2 Kings 2:8). So once Elijah flies away in the coolest possible fashion -- yes, even cooler than Ron and Harry in the flying Ford Anglia -- Elisha inherits his powers and is able to part the waters of the Jordan and perform other assorted miracles.
Chapter 3 concerns a war with Moab, which is pretty standard. The kings of Israel, Judah, and Edom unite in the battle, and Elisha comes to assist them even though he is quick to mention to Jehoram that he "would not spare a look or glance for [him] if it were not for [his] regard for King Jehoshaphat of Judah" (2 Kings 3:14). Burn! Anyway, the war unfolds in favor of Team Israel and as a last ditch effort, the Moabite king sacrifices his SON as an appeal to his god.
Chapters 4 and 5 concern the miracles of Elisha, which are nothing short of Jesus-like. On top of all the normal stuff like making food multiply, he also befriends a kind but aged woman and causes her to conceive a son. A few years later the boy is struck with some sort of illness and dies; at first Elisha's crappy servant Gehazi tries to revive him, but he is unsuccessful, so Elisha "put[s] his mouth to the child's mouth, his eyes to his eyes, and his hands to his hands" (2 Kings 4:34), which resurrects the lad. Good thing, too, because I'm pretty sure that under ordinary circumstances, doing that to a dead child can get you put in jail.
In chapter 5, Elisha cures a leper and Gehazi proves himself once again to be stupid and incompetent, because he has the nerve to secretly solicit payment from the well-to-do ex-leper and then lie about it to his master. Elisha responds by transferring the leprosy to his servant. Hah! Don't fuck with these guys! Seriously!
No, seriously, when are you biblical characters going to learn?
More Kings tomorrow and Wednesday, then we move onto Chronicles. Godspeed, friends!
As you may remember, yesterday's section ended with Elijah killing all the dumb false prophets in a valley and then going for a pleasant jog in the rain. When Ahab and his evil wife Jezebel catch wind of this, they plot to kill the charming young prophet, and he is forced to hide in a cave. While there, Elijah gets super depressed and prays for death, but the next morning he awakes to find a MAGICAL CAKE FROM GOD which lifts his spirits and allows him to carry on. He leaves the cave and receives instructions to enter Damascus and anoint a new king for Aram and Israel, and to appoint a fellow named Elisha to be his disciple. Elisha and Elijah! Alliterations are so CUTE!!! They are like those twin boys who were in the news a few years back, Oranjello and Lemonjello. Gee whiz.
In chapter 20, Ahab encounters some hostility from the Aramite king and when he proves too demanding, the Israelite kingdom is drawn into war. After a bit of a tussle the Israelites prevail, although Ahab does wrong (again) by allowing the king to survive in exchange for a generous peace treaty. A prophet wishes to convey these misdeeds to the king, so bizarrely, he asks a soldier to punch him in the face. That makes so much sense! The soldier refuses and is subsequently eaten by a lion, but luckily the next soldier he asks is compliant. Now in "disguise" with an eyepatch, the prophet confronts Ahab, reveals himself, and tells him that God is not very happy. Well, what else is new?
Chapter 21 really shows off how sinister Ahab and Jezebel are. An important note about these two is that Jezebel really does seem to have a significant relationship with Ahab, and together they are a sort of dynamic duo of evil. I tend to envision them something like this:
Anyway, Ahab decides he wants a vineyard owned by a guy named Naboth, but -- as we learned back in the Torah -- it is forbidden to give away or sell land that you inherit. When Naboth conveys this unfortunate news, Ahab "take[s] to his bed, cover[s] his face, and refuse[s] to eat" (1 Kings 21:4). Oh my god, what a whiner! Jezebel, meanwhile, constructs a plan to sneakily kill off Naboth and seize the vineyard.
Since the "good guys" (relatively speaking) generally prevail in the bible, A&J don't get away with their scheme. Elijah, badass that he is, cracks down and tells them that they will be eaten by dogs for their crime, and so on and so forth.
The last chapter of the saga describes another boring war against the Aramaens, notable because it includes Ahab's death. Like the sneaky son of a gun he is, Ahab attempts to disguise himself in battle to avoid special attention, but one of the rival soldiers accidentally shoots him anyway. This chapter also features the arrival of a prophet named Micaiah, who foretells the death. Good for him.
The second book of Kings is actually just a direct continuation of the first book, and opens in the aftermath of the battle. Ahab's son Ahaziah has succeeded him in Israel, and Jehoshaphat is succeeded by Joram. At this point I regretfully realize that I never once used the phrase "Jumpin' Jehoshaphat!" during Big J's reign, which is a pity. I will try to slip it in later on, but I doubt it will have the same effect.
Anyway, don't get too attached to Ahaziah because his reign is pretty darn short. At the beginning of chapter 1, he falls out a window and requests that a Canaanite prophet ask Baal whether or not he will recover. When Elijah hears this news he gets super mad and declares to the messengers that Ahaziah "will not rise from the bed where [he is] lying; [he] will die" (2 Kings 1:4). The messengers relay this news to Ahaziah, and upon hearing that the prophet in question was "a hairy man...with a leather belt" (2 Kings 1:8), he knows that it is Elijah. He sends three companies of fifty men to talk to Elijah, perhaps to confirm the news, but communication between the two groups is made difficult by the fact that Elijah keeps burning up the troops with holy fire. At the end of the chapter Ahaziah dies and is succeeded by his brother, Jehoram. Is it just me, or does everyone have the same name? Jehoram? Jeroboam? What is wrong with Buster, people?
Chapter 2 provides us with further evidence that Elijah is a BOSS. Apparently God has decided that now is the time for Elijah to ascend to heaven, so he and Elisha trek to the Jordan River, which Elijah parts with his staff a la Moses. At this point a freakin' CHARIOT OF FIRE arrives and takes him away. So. Goddamn. Cool.
Before his departure, Elijah promised Elisha that he would pass on a "double share of [his] spirit" (2 Kings 2:8). So once Elijah flies away in the coolest possible fashion -- yes, even cooler than Ron and Harry in the flying Ford Anglia -- Elisha inherits his powers and is able to part the waters of the Jordan and perform other assorted miracles.
Chapter 3 concerns a war with Moab, which is pretty standard. The kings of Israel, Judah, and Edom unite in the battle, and Elisha comes to assist them even though he is quick to mention to Jehoram that he "would not spare a look or glance for [him] if it were not for [his] regard for King Jehoshaphat of Judah" (2 Kings 3:14). Burn! Anyway, the war unfolds in favor of Team Israel and as a last ditch effort, the Moabite king sacrifices his SON as an appeal to his god.
Chapters 4 and 5 concern the miracles of Elisha, which are nothing short of Jesus-like. On top of all the normal stuff like making food multiply, he also befriends a kind but aged woman and causes her to conceive a son. A few years later the boy is struck with some sort of illness and dies; at first Elisha's crappy servant Gehazi tries to revive him, but he is unsuccessful, so Elisha "put[s] his mouth to the child's mouth, his eyes to his eyes, and his hands to his hands" (2 Kings 4:34), which resurrects the lad. Good thing, too, because I'm pretty sure that under ordinary circumstances, doing that to a dead child can get you put in jail.
In chapter 5, Elisha cures a leper and Gehazi proves himself once again to be stupid and incompetent, because he has the nerve to secretly solicit payment from the well-to-do ex-leper and then lie about it to his master. Elisha responds by transferring the leprosy to his servant. Hah! Don't fuck with these guys! Seriously!
No, seriously, when are you biblical characters going to learn?
More Kings tomorrow and Wednesday, then we move onto Chronicles. Godspeed, friends!
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