Day 21, Judges 7-16

Today's reading was a bit on the lengthy side, or maybe it just felt that way because I'm waaaaaaaay too tired for this right now. Nevertheless, we have some good stories today, and I will do my best to report on the content of this fine book, despite my fatigue.

When we left off yesterday, Gideon had just received three signs as proof that he had God's support, and was getting ready to kick some Midianite butt. He assembles his army of thirty two thousand men and tells them that if they are afraid to fight, they should leave. Apparently the Israelites are total pussies because over half of them take off.

God wants to show off his power, so he devises a plan to reduce the army's numbers even more; that way, the victory will be even more impressive. He tells Gideon to bring the troops to a lake, and the men who "[lap] the water with [their] tongue[s] like a dog" (Judges 7:5) are to stay, while the others must leave. Gideon sets off with an army of three hundred men and the battle is successful, ending with the capture and assassination of two Midianite kings named Zeeb and Oreb at the hands of the Ephraimites.

The Ephraimites, meanwhile, are super pissed that they weren't let in on the battle plans until the last minute. Gideon tells them to shut up because at least they still got to do something important. These tensions will be relevant later so don't forget about them!

Apparently two more Midianite kings, Zebah and Zalmunna, are still alive, and they killed Gideon's brothers. Chapter 8 follows his pursuit of these two men. The Midianite forces are completely toppled, as well as the town of Succoth, since the people there were unaccommodating to Gideon during his search for the kings.

When Gideon confronts the two displaced monarchs, he at first tries to get his son to kill them, but "he was still only a lad, and did not draw his sword, because he was afraid" (Judges 8:20). I just thought it was interesting that 1) Gideon brings his apparently young son to a battlefield and 2) Gideon wants his apparently young son to commit murder! Whoa! What is this?

After his super cool conquest, the people request that Gideon become their king -- but like George Washington, he declines. Gideon is opposed to human kingship, saying, "the Lord will rule over you" (Judges 8:23). Weirdly enough, almost immediately after this he builds an "ephod" which is apparently a golden idol! The Israelites are once again led astray, and Gideon dies, leaving behind seventy -- yes, SEVENTY -- sons.

Don't worry about learning their names, though. The only one who turns out to be important is Abimelech, Gideon's son from a "concubine." Abimelech is also a huge asshole who is followed by "good-for-nothing, reckless fellows" (Judges 9:4) and goes "to his father's house in Ophrah and butcher[s] his seventy brothers" (Judges 9:5). Jesus! That's not very nice!

After killing his brothers he becomes the king of Israel, ruling from the town of Shechem. However, it turns out that his youngest brother, Jotham, survived the massacre, and in chapter 9 he goes to the top of a mountain to address the people about the sinfulness of Abimelech. The chapter continues by describing a military scuffle between Abimelech and a political rival named Gaal during the third year of his kingship. The conflict is a lengthy one -- or at least, it is tediously described -- and ends with Abimelech's strange death. While he is entering a tower, a woman throws a millstone on his head, mortally fracturing his skull. Upon this realization, he pleads that his armor-bearer "dispatch [him], or it will be said...[that] a woman killed him" (Judges 9:54). How weird!

Chapter 10 begins by briefly mentioning some minor judges, then jumps into the tale of Jephthah. I am a fan of Jephthah, both because of his delightfully questionable background, and the fact that his tale has an element of Greek tragedy in it.

Jephthah is the son of a prostitute and it is suggested that his father is unknown, as the text refers to him as Jephthah the Gileadite rather than Jephthah, son of Buster, or something like that. As a youth, his brothers conspired to kill him and so he fled to the land of Tob, where he kept the company of "good-for-nothing fellows" (Judges 11:3). In spite of these strange origins, he grows up to be a capable military commander against the Ammonite forces.

I found chapter 11 intriguing for the diplomatic dispute it features, between Jephthah and the Ammonite king. Jephthah asks why the Ammonites are so hateful towards Israel, and the king replies "When the Israelites came up from Egypt, they seized our land all the way from the Arnon to the Jabbok and the Jordan" (Judges 11:13). Psh. What, you're mad at them because they took all your land and killed all your people just because they happened to want it? That's no reason! Jephthah explains that this grievance is irrelevant, because the events in question happened three hundred years ago.

How eerily familiar!

In preparation for battle, Jephthah makes an oath with God: "If you will deliver the Ammonites into my hands, then the first creature that comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return from them safely shall be the Lord's; I shall offer that as a whole-offering" (Judges 11:30). Ugh. Did anyone else see where this was going the moment they read it? Of course, Jephthah is successful in battle, and of course the first creature to greet him on his return home is his daughter. Luckily for him, she is pretty understanding about the oath, and simply asks for the sacrifice to be put off for two months so she can "roam the hills with [her] companions and mourn that [she] must die a virgin" (Judges 11:37). That's pretty weird! Okay!

The Ephraimites get pissed again about their lack of inclusion in all these fun battles, which leads to a military conflict between them and the Gileadites, the latter of whom win. They go on to subjugate the Ephraimites, who are recognizable because they cannot pronounce the word "Shibboleth" (Judges 12:4-6). Haha! They have lisps too!

In chapter 13 we are introduced to Samson, who you may be familiar with -- he's the super strong guy with dreamy Tim Lincecum hair, who has sex with a lot of crazy bitches. Maybe you remember him from Sunday School.

Samson is born some time after Jephthah's reign as judge, and the Israelites have come under Philistine control. Samson's mother, who has been barren for a long time a la Sarah, receives a message from an angel that she will soon conceive a son. She is warned to avoid alcohol and forbidden foods, since her son will be a Nazirite. Remember, we learned about Nazirites back in Numbers! They are people who make a special oath with God, and are forbidden to cut their hair.

When Samson reaches adulthood, he requests a Philistine woman for his wife. His parents try to convince him to marry one of his Israelite cousins instead, but he insists that "she pleases me" (Judges 14:3) and that he wants no other girl. Samson is kind of a jerk; for instance, on one of his journeys to visit his Philistine girlfriend, he kills a lion. On his next trip to see her, he finds that bees are living in the lion's carcass and brings handfuls of honey to his girlfriend's family, neglecting to tell them that it's DEAD LION HONEY. Ew!

Samson's girlfriend is not a lot better, though. At his wedding feast, he makes a bet with the guests: if they can solve his riddle within seven days, he will give them thirty articles of clothing, but if they fail, they must buy him thirty articles of clothing. The guests struggle with this and eventually confront Samson's new wife: "Coax your husband and make him explain the riddle to you, or we shall burn you and your father's house" (Judges 14:15). Wow. Someone really wants new clothes. Anyway, Samson's wife proceeds to annoy the crap out of him until she wheedles out the answer, so Samson loses his bet. He gets so pissed off that the "spirit of the Lord suddenly seize[s] him, and he [goes] down to Ashkelon where he kill[s] thirty men, [takes] their belts, and [gives] their clothes to the men who had answered his riddle" (Judges 14:19). Come on, Samson, we know you're annoyed, but isn't that a little over the top?

In chapter 15, Samson goes back to try and sleep with his wife, but her dad totally cockblocks him and reveals that she's been married off to Samson's groomsman in his absence. The father offers up his other daughter to Samson, but he's having none of it and instead decides to take revenge on the Philistines in a manner that would really upset the folks at PETA: he ties together three hundred jackals by their tails and lights them on fire, causing them to run throughout the fields and ruin all the crops. Damn! The Philistines, meanwhile, blame Samson's ex-girlfriend and her father for the incident rather than him, and burn them to death for their misdeeds.

The Judahites, who have accepted their subjugation by the Philistines, get a little worried about Samson's crazy behavior and confront him about it. They tie him up and bring him to a cave, but he is once again seized by "the spirit of the Lord" and he breaks the ropes and goes on another joyful killing spree. Does Samson remind anyone else of the Incredible Hulk?

Chapter 16 tells the story of Samson's encounter with Delilah, which I think everyone knows. It's a great story, and a good way to end today's entry!

Samson journeys to Gaza, where he seems to be simultaneously disliked and feared; for instance, after he sleeps with a local prostitute, the people conspire to kill him, but he manages to sneak away in the night. Because of his strength, Samson seems capable of getting away with whatever he wants.

After his romp with the prostitute, he falls in love with Delilah. The Philistines ask her to "cajole him and find out what gives him his great strength, and how we can overpower and bind him and render him helpless" (Judges 16:5). They offer her eleven hundred pieces of silver each, which I imagine is a pretty substantial bribe considering Judas sold out Jesus for just thirty pieces of silver. And that's not even taking inflation into account! Wowzers!

Delilah asks Samson, but he seems to be aware of what she's up to and continually lies to her, causing her to lament that he doesn't really love her. Finally he confesses that the source of his powers is his aforementioned dreamy Tim Lincecum hair, and so she lulls him to sleep and cuts it off. He is subsequently imprisoned and has his eyes gouged out. The people rejoice and request that he be brought out so that he can "entertain" them... but as Samson stands in the temple before the people, he makes one last desperate plea to God: "Remember me, Lord God, remember me: for this one occasion, God, give me strength and let me at one stroke be avenged on the Philistines for my two eyes" (Judges 16:28). Samson's power returns and he pushes on the pillars of the temple, causing it to collapse and killing everyone inside -- including himself. Wow! How freaking intense!

Tomorrow we will read the end of Judges, all of Ruth, and start 1 Samuel. Until then, I am going to nap and watch Friends reruns because I'm exhausted! See you cool cats tomorrow.