After Psalms I had pretty high hopes for Proverbs, and so far I'm a little disappointed. The first nine chapters were neat, but after that there are about twelve chapters listing "wise sayings." In some ways it felt like the secular version of Psalms (ie monotonous as hell) but every chapter had at least one nugget of wisdom that was pretty funny or weird, so it wasn't a complete loss. I'll summarize the first six chapters that I read today, then share my favorite sayings.
The narrative continues where it left off yesterday, with a father addressing his son on the subject of how to be wise. In chapter 4 he outlines the big points, urging his son to "keep [his] mouth from crooked speech" and "fix [his] gaze on what lies ahead" (Proverbs 4:24-25), among other things. In chapter 5 he cautions about PROSTITUTES, whose "lips...drip honey and [whose] tongue is smoother than oil" (Proverbs 5:3) but who will nonetheless bring harm. Chapter 6 follows with assorted warnings, most of which are also addressed in the extensive list of wise sayings so I'll refrain from detailing them at the moment.
In chapter 7 there is a pretty amusing section describing a man's interaction with a prostitute: "Come!" she says to him, "Let us drown ourselves in pleasure, let us abandon ourselves to a night of love; for my husband is not at home" (Proverbs 7:18). The author lets us know that however enticing this might be, the fool who goes with the prostitute is "like an ox on its way to be slaughtered" (Proverbs 7:22).
In chapters 8 and 9 Wisdom -- personified as a woman -- makes a speech discussing her virtues and warning that "all who hate me are in love with death" (Proverbs 8:36). Geez, that's heavy! Meanwhile, her foil, "Lady Stupidity," persists that "stolen water is sweet and bread eaten in secret tastes good" (Proverbs 9:17). Clearly she is doing her best David Bowie impression, although I think the line was actually, "Well the bitter comes out better on a stolen guitar, you're the blessed and we're the spiders from Mars." I wouldn't expect someone named Lady Stupidity to get it perfect, though.
At this point we move onto our SUPER FUN LIST OF WISE SAYINGS. Oh boy! I will share my favorites below, some of which are illogical, some of which are weird, and a few of which are actually, surprisingly, good advice!
- From chapter 11: "False scales are an abomination to the Lord, but accurate weights win his favor" (Proverbs 11:1). Tell this to my freaking doctor! Of course I weigh more right now, asshole, I'M WEARING PANTS! And it's right after lunch! GODDDDD.
- Proverbs 11:22: "Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without good sense." That is a pretty funny image! I guess this is an earlier version of the old classic, "I need you around like I need a hole in my head!"
- Proverbs 12:9: "Better to be nobody and yet have a servant than pretend to be somebody and have no food." I feel like I'm missing something... How are the two parts of this sentence connected? Why is being nobody with a servant the opposite of being somebody with food?
- Proverbs 13:7: "One person pretends to be rich, yet has nothing; another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth." Another one where I feel like I'm missing the point. Is this a nugget of wisdom or just... a scenario? Why would a rich person pretend to be poor, and why should we consider it a good thing?
- Proverbs 13:24: "Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them." Everyone knows this one, right? BEAT UP YOUR KIDS! YOU HAVE GOD'S PERMISSION!!! WAHOO!!!
- Proverbs 14:20: "The poor are shunned even by their neighbors, but the rich have many friends." How is this a proverb? How is this WISDOM? All you're telling me is that it sucks to be poor!
- Proverbs 16:16: "How much better to get wisdom than gold, to get insight rather than silver!" Yep. Keep telling yourself that, biblical writer.
- Proverbs 16:30: "Whoever winks with their eye is plotting perversity; whoever purses their lips is bent on evil." Fuck modern psychology! This is all you ever need to know about body language. Trust me.
- Proverbs 16:31: "Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained in the way of righteousness." Well, who knew? You don't have gray hair because you're old and decrepit! It's because you're righteous!
- Proverbs 17:19: "Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin; whoever builds a high gate invites destruction." Uh oh. A lot of people I know are in trouble.
- Proverbs 17:26: "If imposing a fine on the innocent is not good, surely to flog honest officials is not right." I just love the logical deduction in this one. Good job, biblical writer! The puzzle is coming together, huh?
- Proverbs 20:1: "Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise." Um... Bad news for you, McGill student body.
- Proverbs 20:30: "Blows and wounds scrub away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being." Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Violence! Sex! Actually, no sex. But violence! Yeah!
- Proverbs 21:9: "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Yeah, fuck bitches!
To conclude, I would like to share that this particular book of the bible makes frequent use of the word "sluggard" which I think is awesome.
Onward!
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