Day 32, 2 Kings 16-25

Good morning, friends. Today we finish up Kings, and boy, what a depressing tome this turns out to be. It's funny, because even though I was familiar with a lot of the stories contained in these volumes, the impact is so much more profound when you actually read them in order. You really get to see what a bunch of fuck-ups these kings of Israel and Judah were. Take my word for it: context is everything!

Today's reading kicks off with a new Judahite king named Ahaz. He is pretty corrupt, and does naughty things like human sacrifices, but this is old hat by now and what is really of interest is the scandal ensuing up north in Israel! Under the reign of a fellow named Hoshea, Samaria is captured by the Assyrians and the people are deported. God offers them protection if they make another covenant with him, but the people are idiots as usual and insist on "following their worthless idols [so that] they be[come] worthless themselves" (2 Kings 17:15). Harsh!

Now, these shenanigans have been going on for awhile, but apparently this time is the straw that breaks the camel's back. God banishes the ten Israelite tribes, sending them "to exile in Assyria...[where] they are to this day" (2 Kings 17:23). Oh man. I have to say, even I didn't quite see that one coming.

Meanwhile, a whole bunch of Assyrian folks move into Israel -- or Samaria -- and bring all their bizarre cultural practices with them. Oh geez.

Back in Judah, Ahaz's son Hezekiah becomes king and does a pretty decent job, actually destroying the shrines. FINALLY! When I first read this I got really excited, but I urge you not to get too enthusiastic because... spoiler alert... they come back. But let's not get ahead of ourselves! We're still on chapter 18 right now, which concerns Hezekiah's reign and includes an interesting conflict with Assyria. The king, who has already established a presence in Samaria, manages to capture all the fortified towns in Judah, and attempts to invade Jerusalem. A charming diplomatic dialogue takes place between the comptroller of the royal household and some Assyrian officers, who accuse the Israelites of "eat[ing] their own dung and drink[ing] their own urine" (2 Kings 18:31). Is this a South Park episode or the bible? Or... BOTH?! Is the bible actually the first South Park episode of all time? Something to ponder.

Anyway, to make a long story short, Judah triumphs over the Assyrians even though their victory was incredibly unlikely. God helps a little bit. You know the drill.

In chapter 20, Hezekiah gets sick and is visited by a prophet named Isaiah, who at first tells him that he is going to die. He prays to God and is so gosh darn convincing that the deity changes his mind and Isaiah informs Hezekiah that he will live for fifteen more years, but also prophesies that one day in the future, the people of Judah "will be taken...to serve as eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon" (2 Kings 29:18). Like a self-absorbed asshole, Hezekiah comments that this is GOOD just because he knows it won't happen in his lifetime.

In chapter 21, Hezekiah's twelve year old son Manasseh assumes the throne and does a pretty terrible job at running things: he makes human sacrifices, worships Baal, consorts with ghosts, and REBUILDS THE GODDAMN SHRINES. Like he did with Israel a few chapters earlier, these displays of wickedness cause God to pull the trigger on Judah and announce the nation's impending doom. Manasseh is succeeded by his son Amon, who is assassinated two years into his reign and replaced by his son, Josiah.

Being a decent person must skip two generations, because Josiah is actually a good king. He gets rid of the shrines and abolishes all the sick practices that had become the norm, but this is an unfortunate case of the old adage, "Too little, too late." God does not forgive Judah for the transgressions of Josiah's forefathers, but he agrees to wait until after the monarch's death to wreak divine havoc.

Chapter 23 details the rest of Josiah's reign, including his continued efforts to clean up Judah. His life comes to a grisly end -- he is murdered by the Egyptian Pharaoh, Necho -- and his son Jehoahaz succeeds him.

After Josiah's death a few more kings rule the land, but none of them are particularly competent and at this point things are in an inescapable downward spiral. Jerusalem is taken under Babylonian siege and the current king, Zedekiah, is imprisoned. His "sons [are] slain before his eyes... [and] his eyes [are] put out" (2 Kings 25:7). The houses of aristocratic families are burned down. The high priests are flogged to death. The people are exiled once again.

What a bummer way for things to turn out! After the monarchy began so promisingly with David, his offspring were almost shockingly disappointing. Next on our reading agenda is Chronicles, which I'm pretty sure is a more detailed recap of kingly activity during this period. It will occupy us for about a week, and then we will move onto Ezra and find out what is going to happen to these poor losers!