Day 24, 1 Samuel 15-24

Today's reading takes us deeper into 1 Samuel where we meet David, the man who has usurped Esau as my favorite biblical character. He's a total badass! Let's dive right in.

Chapter 15 concerns a battle between the Israelites and the Amalekites. God instructs Saul to kill everyone, but Saul disobeys and does not kill the king or the best animals from the herds. When Samuel confronts him about it, Saul explains that he intended to keep the animals to make whole-offerings to God, but Samuel reprimands him by saying, "Does the Lord desire whole-offerings and sacrifices as he desires obedience?" (1 Sam 15:22). Whoa! That's the essence of the bible right there, isn't it? Sam elaborates further: "Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft, arrogance as evil as idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, he has rejected you as king" (1 Sam 15:23). This reinforces what we already knew from chapter 13, that Saul's kingship will not be permanent.

In chapter 16, God sends Samuel to track down the new king, who lives in Bethlehem and is the son of a man named Jesse. When Samuel enters the house he is introduced to the man's seven eldest sons, but none of them are satisfactory to God. "Are these all the sons you have?" Samuel asks (1 Sam 16:11). The man replies that his youngest son, David, is out with the sheep, and calls him in. God announces that this boy will be the future king, and Samuel anoints him in front of his family. He also gets hired to be Saul's armor-bearer because he's great at playing the lyre and apparently, Saul is sometimes possessed by evil spirits that can only be driven out by sweet tunes.

Chapter 17 contains that timeless story everyone knows and loves, David's defeat of Goliath! The Israelites are once again at war with the Philistines/Phillies/Phightin' Phils, and are collectively intimidated by Goliath, a "champion... over nine feet in height" (1 Sam 17:4). Wow! If he went to the deep end of a swimming pool, the water wouldn't even cover his head! That's not very fun. Anyway, one day David goes to deliver bread to his three older brothers, who are fighting in the war. They are total jerks to him, by the way, saying, "What are you doing here?...I know you, you impudent young rascal; you have only come to see the fighting" (1 Sam 17:28). Saul overhears him asking about Goliath and sends for him, at which point David reveals his intent to fight the giant. Saul tells him that such a feat would be impossible, but David explains that he is "[his] father's shepherd" (1 Sam 17:34), a pretty neat line that serves the literal purpose of showing his capabilities (he talks about killing lions and bears that attack the sheep) but also suggests that God is on his side -- the "father" being God, David being the shepherd, and the Israelites being sheep. In other words, he will protect the nation.

Saul tries to give David a sword, but he casts it off, saying he cannot use a weapon that is unfamiliar to him. He takes his trusty slingshot, and you know how this ends. After David fells Goliath, Saul requests that he be introduced to the boy -- since they suddenly don't know each other anymore -- and David is invited to the palace.

Saul does not let David go home, since "he [sees] that Jonathan [his son] had given his heart to David and had grown to love him as himself" (1 Sam 18:2). One thing you should know about these chapters involving David and Jonathan is that they're SUPER GAY. Like, I think this is even gayer than Jesus and Judas, who incidentally I only think are gay because my foundational knowledge of the gospels comes from Jesus Christ Superstar. But these two don't even need an excellent movie musical for me to suspect that they swing the other way. Just bear with me. You'll see.

David is such a badass soldier that he quickly rises to a place of authority in Saul's army and becomes incredibly popular with the people. After a battle, Saul overhears the crowds singing in the street: "Saul struck down thousands / but David tens of thousands" (1 Sam 18:7) and this totally wigs him out. He becomes seized by an evil spirit (1 Sam 18:10) and spends the next few chapters trying to kill David out of jealousy. When his traditional attempts (throwing spears at David, trying to stab David, etc) fail, he devises some clever plans. For instance, he allows David to marry his younger daughter Michal for a dowry of "the foreskins of a hundred Philistines" (18:25), hoping that David will die in battle -- but of course he doesn't, and Saul becomes more impassioned and crazy about his hatred for the lad.

Saul tries to get Jonathan to help him kill David, but Jonathan is feverishly devoted to his pal and forewarns him. Michal thwarts yet another murder attempt by allowing David to escape from their bedroom window in the night, but unlike Jonathan, who openly declares his allegiance, Michal lies like a little bitch when confronted: "He said to me, 'Help me escape or I shall kill you'" (1 Sam 19:17). No he didn't! Shut up, Michal! Also, you have a boy's name!

In chapter 20, David sees that the situation with Saul is not going to improve and devises a plan of escape with Jonathan's help. Jonathan is at first shocked that his father is going to these lengths to kill David, but makes his loyalties clear, "pledg[ing] himself afresh to David because of his love for him, for he loved him as himself" (1 Sam 20:17). They arrange for David to hide in the fields for a few days until Saul notices his absence. When the king inquires about David's whereabouts, Jonathan says that he has returned home for a few days; by Saul's reaction, Jonathan will be able to gauge what his plans are. Predictably, Saul explodes with anger upon this news, since he had plotted to kill David and suspects that Jonathan is helping him. "You son of a crooked and rebellious mother!" he exclaims. "I know perfectly well you have made a friend of the son of Jesse only to bring same on yourself and dishonor on your mother" (1 Sam 20:30). In other words, Saul is pissed that his son is GAY.

After this outburst, Jonathan goes into the fields to tell David to escape. The two men "kiss one another and shed tears together" (1 Sam 20:41), then David takes off for the wilderness.

Chapter 21 details David's escape, wherein he tricks a priest into giving him bread, and meets the king of Gath. The king recognizes him, so he escapes by pretending to be mad, "scrabbling on the double doors of the city gate and dribbling down his beard" (1 Sam 21:13). The king is sufficiently convinced and lets him go.

In chapter 22, David's badassery becomes even more pronounced as he becomes an outlaw captain in the Judean wilderness! How freaking COOL! Meanwhile, Saul realizes that David has escaped, and kills the priest who gave him the bread, as well as eighty-five other priests and their families. What a jerk.

By chapter 23, another conflict arises with the Philistines, and David asks God what he should do. God tells him to fight, so he gathers up his outlaw gang and heads off to Keilah, the town being invaded. His small army overcomes the Philistine forces, but when Saul gets wind of David's location, he sends his army after the young future king. David is forced to escape once again, hiding out in the wilderness.

David takes refuge in a cave, but Saul continues searching for him. In chapter 24, the men finally confront each other when Saul unknowingly enters David's cave to "relieve himself" (1 Sam 24:3). David's men urge him to kill Saul, but David refuses to lay a hand on "the Lord's anointed" (1 Sam 24:7) and simply cuts off a piece of Saul's cloak. Then he runs out of the cave and bows down to his enemy, explaining emotionally that although he could have killed Saul in the cave, he did not, because he never meant Saul harm. Saul responds with equal emotion, proclaiming, "The right is on your side, not mine; you have treated me so well; I have treated you so badly" (1 Sam 24:17). He goes on to say that David will certainly become king of Israel, and David swears an oath to Saul.

Hooray! Everyone is friends again! I will leave things here for today. I hope you are enjoying this story as much as I am. See you tomorrow, when we wrap up the first book of Samuel and will hopefully see more exciting, crazy, and somewhat gay adventures.