Day 27, 2 Samuel 17-24, 1 Kings 1

Today's reading continues the thrilling saga of Absalom's revolt against King David. We kick off with chapter 17, where he seeks the wisdom of his two counselors in deciding how to approach the battle against his father. His father's old advisor, Ahithophel, gives him pretty reasonable advice, but he winds up listening to his other advisor, Hushai, instead -- because "it was the Lord's purpose to frustrate Ahithophel's good advice and so bring disaster on Absalom" (2 Sam 17:14). When Ahithophel realizes what Absalom plans to do, he hangs himself! Intense!

Chapter 18 switches back to David's perspective as he prepares his armies for battle. He wants to fight alongside his troops but they tell him not to risk it, and so he consents to stay home and requests that they "deal gently with the young man Absalom" (2 Sam 18:5). What a nice dad! Unfortunately, the troops don't exactly heed this warning, and soon after this request, some of David's men spot Absalom riding his mule. He passes under a tree and, in a bizarre incident, his head gets stuck in the branches so that the mule continues on and he is suspended in the air. Most of the men obey the instructions from David and refrain from hurting the young prince, but unfortunately for the lad, the war-mongering army commander Joab is there too, and he wastes no time in "pick[ing] up three javelins and [driving] them into Absalom's chest" (2 Sam 18:14). Oh dear.

A Cushite soldier and Joab's own son bring the news to David, who is filled with despair: "O, my son!" he cries, "Absalom my son, my son Absalom! Would that I had died instead of you!" (2 Sam 18:33). What is up with this weird devotion, David?! You have a million other sons and furthermore, none of them are assholes like Absalom! Please tell me it's more weird subconscious Faulkner-y incest stuff.

Chapter 19 concerns the post-war settlements with the rebel factions, through which David is rather lenient. He really is a nice guy! One of David's significant political moves here is to replace Joab with Amasa, Absalom's old commander in chief. I guess David isn't too keen on Joab after he killed his beloved son and then told him to shut up and stop crying about it at the beginning of the chapter: "You have covered [your supporters] with shame this day by showing love for those who hate you and hate for those who love you" (2 Sam 19:5-6). Tell it like it is, Joab!

In chapter 20 another rebellion arises, this time from the Benjamite territory. A fellow named Sheba tries to overthrow David, but he is quickly disposed of without much of a battle -- in fact, his death comes when a woman cuts off his head and throws it over the wall of her city. Most significant in this chapter is that Amasa is killed by Joab, who conceals a sword under his tunic when he goes to meet the new commander. He "grasp[s] Amasa's beard to kiss him" (2 Sam 20:9) -- which incidentally is not the proper way to kiss a bearded person! Don't try that at home! -- and while Amasa is distracted, stabs him. It seems that Joab's solution to most things is to KILL PEOPLE.

After all the craziness of rebellion ends, Israel is struck with a famine, because apparently these people just can't catch a break. David asks God what is going on and God explains to him that the nation has "blood guilt" because Saul's family killed a bunch of Gibeonites after promising not to hurt them. David goes to negotiate with the Gibeonites, who say they will only be satisfied if they are permitted to grotesquely execute seven of Saul's descendants. David concedes, although he does spare Jonathan's ridiculously named son.

At this point, Israel engages in another war with the Philistines. While fighting, David is almost killed, but at the last moment a soldier named Abishai saves him. The intended point of this, I think, is to show us that David is getting old! At the insistence of his officers, he agrees to retire from fighting.

Also of note in chapter 21 is the fact that the killing of Goliath is ascribed to a man named Elhanan. The earlier version of the story, where a youthful David slays the giant with his slingshot, is regarded by historians to be a later addition and folk tale.

There is also an imposing Philistine with "six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot, twenty-four in all" (2 Sam 21:20). HAHA HOW WEIRD!!

Chapter 22 comprises a very boring song that David sings in praise of God. Apparently this will later appear in Psalms, which makes me worry about having to eventually read Psalms because I suspect it will not be particularly interesting. However, we will cross that bridge when we come to it!

Chapter 23 opens with more verse, apparently David's last words. This seems to be an extension of the previous song, with lots of praising God and stuff like that. Afterward, the chapter provides a list of "heroes" -- mostly military leaders -- in David's kingdom. One of them is named Dodo. They do a lot of brave stuff, like crossing enemy lines to bring David water, which he subsequently refuses to drink.

The second book of Samuel has a rather anti-climactic ending, probably because the story is continued in the two books of Kings. Basically, David decides to take a census, which -- as we know from earlier stories -- is totally against the rules. When he finishes he is "overcome with remorse" (2 Sam 24:10) and prays for God to forgive him. God lays out three options for him to choose as punishment: either Israel will be plagued with three years of famine, three months of "flight with the enemy in close pursuit" (2 Sam 24:13), or three days of plague. David chooses the plague and seventy-thousand people die! After the third day, the disease-giving angel does not seem to have any intentions of stopping, so David prays to God again and is told he must build an altar on the threshing floor of a Jebusite named Araunah. Araunah wants to give him the land for free, but David insists on paying, because he's a Nice Guy and a Champ.

And that's the second book of Samuel! Gee! Kings is simply a continuation of this pleasant story, further detailing the exploits of the Davidic line. Apparently not all the future kings will be as awesome as David, and some sin and scandal will ensue... That's always fun. For reference, the first book of Kings is presumed to have been written around 609 BCE, and the second one not until 550 BCE, after the fall of the kingdom of Judah.

At the start of 1 Kings, David has become quite aged. He spends most of his time in the company of Abishag, a "young virgin...[who] attend[s] to [him] and take[s] care of [him]" (1 Kings 1:2), but the writers note that he is so old and weary (and not to mention a latent homosexual) that he doesn't even have sex with her.

At some point in the past, David promised Bathsheba that her son, Solomon, would inherit the crown after him. However, his eldest living son, Adonijah, has no idea about this and "his father never corrected him or asked why he behaved as he did" (1 Kings 1:6). Uh oh. Might want to get on that, Dave.

Expecting to inherit the kingship in the near future, Adonijah throws a dinner party in his own honor. David decides that this is a good time to clue in the lad, so he puts Solomon on a donkey and sends him through the street with a procession of people who follow him and yell out, "Long live King Solomon!" (1 Kings 1:39). When Adonijah  puts two and two together, he begs Solomon not to kill him for the misunderstanding, and Solomon tells his older brother that it's all cool.

We've gotten deep enough into the bible that I really couldn't tell you what is coming up. Occasionally I'll recognize stories, but for the most part I'm unfamiliar with these books as a coherent whole. Tomorrow I'm pretty sure we'll get to hear more about Solomon, who should be an interesting guy. All I know about him is that he was apparently wise and ordained that a baby be cut in half and shared between two women. I'm sure excited!