I know I said yesterday that I was looking forward to Ezra because I remembered him being cool, so I'm afraid I have to start this entry with some bad news: Ezra isn't cool. I just got him confused with Elijah and Elisha, who are awesome. All those 'E' names, you know. But that doesn't mean his book is bad! At least we're moving forward! I just watched the Friends episode where Ross has to talk to his girlfriend Mona about where their relationship is going, so I am aware that if you're not moving forward you're just standing still, and what good is standing still? No one is getting any younger! So in effect, if the bible were my boyfriend, it would be giving me the keys to its apartment right now. Moving forward. Yep.
In chapter 7, the Persian king Artaxerxes is moved by God to send Ezra on a voyage to Israel, where he is to serve as some sort of leader. How nice! Artaxerxes also gives him a bunch of gold and "salt without a set limit" (Ezra 7:22) which shows he's a truly decent fellow. As much salt as we want! Oh boy!
In chapter 8, we switch to a first-person narrative for the first time in the bible, which is kind of cool, I guess. It's different at least. Ezra gathers together a motley crew of fellow exiles to come along with him, and eventually arrives in Jerusalem where he presents his gifts to the priests.
Once he is settled in town, the priests inform Ezra that pretty much everyone has been very naughty and neglected to uphold the law against marrying foreign women. Ezra is immensely troubled by this and "pluck[s] tufts from [his] beard and the hair from [his] head and [sits] appalled...until the evening sacrifice" (Ezra 9:3-4). What a reaction! It seems to me that this Ezra is a bit of a drama queen, but maybe he was just really upset. The rest of chapter 9 comprises a desperate and deeply apologetic prayer he makes to God, begging the deity to forgive Israel.
Ezra's melancholy persists in chapter 10, where he locks himself up in a room and "[eats] no bread and [drinks] no water, for he [is] still mourning the unfaithfulness of the returned exiles" (Ezra 10:6). Give it a rest, Ez! After a substantial amount of moping, he gathers the people together in the pouring rain and instructs them that they all must divorce their foreign wives. However, divorce is a lengthy process in the ancient Near East, and some of the people question the logistics of it. Eventually a compromise is reached, and it is agreed that all the community leaders will divorce their foreign wives as a sort of symbol.
And that's Ezra's book! Gee whiz!
Nehemiah, as I mentioned before, is closely linked to Ezra and Chronicles and tells the story of a Jewish high official in the Persian court. Also, according to wikipedia, this book is the last historical narrative of the Hebrew bible. Oh my god. Does that mean we're just getting raunchy stories after this? Please tell me that's what it means.
Nehemiah is a pious chap, and when his brother tells him about an incident in Jerusalem at the start of chapter 1, he becomes distraught. He prays to God, and in chapter 2 requests that the Persian king permit him to return to his homeland: "How can I help looking unhappy," he says, "when the city where my forefathers are buried lies in ruins with its gates burnt down?" (Nehemiah 2:2). These Persians are apparently pretty nice people, since as with Ezra the king is very accommodating and sends Nehemiah on his way.
Once in Jerusalem, Nehemiah begins his efforts to rebuild the city wall, but encounters hostility from the non-Jews who live there. He tells off his critics by saying, "You have no stake, or claim, or traditional right in Jerusalem" (Nehemiah 2:20) which, as you can imagine, does little to endear him to his enemies.
In chapter 4 these enemies plot to attack, and Nehemiah is forced to reallocate his workers, assigning some people to serve as guards and some to build. It all sounds like a lot of work to me. I actually got kind of anxious reading it. Oh man.
Chapter 5 deviates a little from the storyline and presents a conflict between the rich and poor in the rebuilt city. When he is told that the Jewish aristocracy are oppressing the poor, Nehemiah cancels all debts. In other words, he is a SOCIALIST and probably an ARAB like Barack Obama. Nehemiah's middle name is Hussein. Just kidding. Nehemiah doesn't have a middle name, or a last name. He's like Lady Gaga in that way.
My notes on chapter 6 read "everyone fucks with Jews" which isn't very helpful. Everyone is always fucking with the Jews! What was I thinking writing that? Anyway, in this particular situation, a chap named Sanballat accuses Nehemiah of conspiring against the Persian king. Even some of his fellow Jews oppose him, but Nehemiah simply says "Haters gon' hate," and finishes rebuilding the wall. Good for him!
Chapter 7 is another delightful census. I'm actually pretty sure it's the same census from Ezra. Gotta love those! And fiiiiiiiiinally, in chapter 8, everyone has a big freaking party for the Feast of Booths. The festivities kick off with Ezra reading to everyone from the Torah, which FYI is always a great icebreaker at parties. They are so moved by the reading that they start crying, but he tells them to "feast yourselves on rich food and sweet drinks... [and] let there be no sadness" (Nehemiah 8:10). Oh boy! Sounds good to me! The people obey the instructions "because they had understood what had been explained to them" (Nehemiah 8:12). Well that's a good thing considering it was incredibly straightforward. I guess their oral comprehension is pretty decent!
That wraps things up for today. One fun thing I realized is that the Festival of Booths is actually Sukkot, one of the coolest Jew holidays, where you get to build tents out of palm leaves and stuff and live in them. Except in modern times you don't actually live in them because that would suck, you just play in them and eat a lot of food. Jewish holidays usually end in eating a lot of food. For all its flaws as a religion, at least we Jews have that!
Later gators.
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