Today's reading continues the thrilling saga of Absalom's revolt against King David. We kick off with chapter 17, where he seeks the wisdom of his two counselors in deciding how to approach the battle against his father. His father's old advisor, Ahithophel, gives him pretty reasonable advice, but he winds up listening to his other advisor, Hushai, instead -- because "it was the Lord's purpose to frustrate Ahithophel's good advice and so bring disaster on Absalom" (2 Sam 17:14). When Ahithophel realizes what Absalom plans to do, he hangs himself! Intense!
Chapter 18 switches back to David's perspective as he prepares his armies for battle. He wants to fight alongside his troops but they tell him not to risk it, and so he consents to stay home and requests that they "deal gently with the young man Absalom" (2 Sam 18:5). What a nice dad! Unfortunately, the troops don't exactly heed this warning, and soon after this request, some of David's men spot Absalom riding his mule. He passes under a tree and, in a bizarre incident, his head gets stuck in the branches so that the mule continues on and he is suspended in the air. Most of the men obey the instructions from David and refrain from hurting the young prince, but unfortunately for the lad, the war-mongering army commander Joab is there too, and he wastes no time in "pick[ing] up three javelins and [driving] them into Absalom's chest" (2 Sam 18:14). Oh dear.
A Cushite soldier and Joab's own son bring the news to David, who is filled with despair: "O, my son!" he cries, "Absalom my son, my son Absalom! Would that I had died instead of you!" (2 Sam 18:33). What is up with this weird devotion, David?! You have a million other sons and furthermore, none of them are assholes like Absalom! Please tell me it's more weird subconscious Faulkner-y incest stuff.
Chapter 19 concerns the post-war settlements with the rebel factions, through which David is rather lenient. He really is a nice guy! One of David's significant political moves here is to replace Joab with Amasa, Absalom's old commander in chief. I guess David isn't too keen on Joab after he killed his beloved son and then told him to shut up and stop crying about it at the beginning of the chapter: "You have covered [your supporters] with shame this day by showing love for those who hate you and hate for those who love you" (2 Sam 19:5-6). Tell it like it is, Joab!
In chapter 20 another rebellion arises, this time from the Benjamite territory. A fellow named Sheba tries to overthrow David, but he is quickly disposed of without much of a battle -- in fact, his death comes when a woman cuts off his head and throws it over the wall of her city. Most significant in this chapter is that Amasa is killed by Joab, who conceals a sword under his tunic when he goes to meet the new commander. He "grasp[s] Amasa's beard to kiss him" (2 Sam 20:9) -- which incidentally is not the proper way to kiss a bearded person! Don't try that at home! -- and while Amasa is distracted, stabs him. It seems that Joab's solution to most things is to KILL PEOPLE.
After all the craziness of rebellion ends, Israel is struck with a famine, because apparently these people just can't catch a break. David asks God what is going on and God explains to him that the nation has "blood guilt" because Saul's family killed a bunch of Gibeonites after promising not to hurt them. David goes to negotiate with the Gibeonites, who say they will only be satisfied if they are permitted to grotesquely execute seven of Saul's descendants. David concedes, although he does spare Jonathan's ridiculously named son.
At this point, Israel engages in another war with the Philistines. While fighting, David is almost killed, but at the last moment a soldier named Abishai saves him. The intended point of this, I think, is to show us that David is getting old! At the insistence of his officers, he agrees to retire from fighting.
Also of note in chapter 21 is the fact that the killing of Goliath is ascribed to a man named Elhanan. The earlier version of the story, where a youthful David slays the giant with his slingshot, is regarded by historians to be a later addition and folk tale.
There is also an imposing Philistine with "six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot, twenty-four in all" (2 Sam 21:20). HAHA HOW WEIRD!!
Chapter 22 comprises a very boring song that David sings in praise of God. Apparently this will later appear in Psalms, which makes me worry about having to eventually read Psalms because I suspect it will not be particularly interesting. However, we will cross that bridge when we come to it!
Chapter 23 opens with more verse, apparently David's last words. This seems to be an extension of the previous song, with lots of praising God and stuff like that. Afterward, the chapter provides a list of "heroes" -- mostly military leaders -- in David's kingdom. One of them is named Dodo. They do a lot of brave stuff, like crossing enemy lines to bring David water, which he subsequently refuses to drink.
The second book of Samuel has a rather anti-climactic ending, probably because the story is continued in the two books of Kings. Basically, David decides to take a census, which -- as we know from earlier stories -- is totally against the rules. When he finishes he is "overcome with remorse" (2 Sam 24:10) and prays for God to forgive him. God lays out three options for him to choose as punishment: either Israel will be plagued with three years of famine, three months of "flight with the enemy in close pursuit" (2 Sam 24:13), or three days of plague. David chooses the plague and seventy-thousand people die! After the third day, the disease-giving angel does not seem to have any intentions of stopping, so David prays to God again and is told he must build an altar on the threshing floor of a Jebusite named Araunah. Araunah wants to give him the land for free, but David insists on paying, because he's a Nice Guy and a Champ.
And that's the second book of Samuel! Gee! Kings is simply a continuation of this pleasant story, further detailing the exploits of the Davidic line. Apparently not all the future kings will be as awesome as David, and some sin and scandal will ensue... That's always fun. For reference, the first book of Kings is presumed to have been written around 609 BCE, and the second one not until 550 BCE, after the fall of the kingdom of Judah.
At the start of 1 Kings, David has become quite aged. He spends most of his time in the company of Abishag, a "young virgin...[who] attend[s] to [him] and take[s] care of [him]" (1 Kings 1:2), but the writers note that he is so old and weary (and not to mention a latent homosexual) that he doesn't even have sex with her.
At some point in the past, David promised Bathsheba that her son, Solomon, would inherit the crown after him. However, his eldest living son, Adonijah, has no idea about this and "his father never corrected him or asked why he behaved as he did" (1 Kings 1:6). Uh oh. Might want to get on that, Dave.
Expecting to inherit the kingship in the near future, Adonijah throws a dinner party in his own honor. David decides that this is a good time to clue in the lad, so he puts Solomon on a donkey and sends him through the street with a procession of people who follow him and yell out, "Long live King Solomon!" (1 Kings 1:39). When Adonijah puts two and two together, he begs Solomon not to kill him for the misunderstanding, and Solomon tells his older brother that it's all cool.
We've gotten deep enough into the bible that I really couldn't tell you what is coming up. Occasionally I'll recognize stories, but for the most part I'm unfamiliar with these books as a coherent whole. Tomorrow I'm pretty sure we'll get to hear more about Solomon, who should be an interesting guy. All I know about him is that he was apparently wise and ordained that a baby be cut in half and shared between two women. I'm sure excited!
Showing posts with label 2 Samuel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2 Samuel. Show all posts
Friday, October 7, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Day 26, 2 Samuel 6-16
Before I jump into today's reading, I want to take a moment to appreciate the Books of Samuel, which are proving themselves so far to be the best books in the bible by a long shot. Genesis was fun because it was so ridiculous, Exodus through Deuteronomy had a pretty cool story albeit one interrupted by boring laws, and there were some key moments throughout Joshua and Judges... But these books are simply the bible at its best: sex, violence, drama, and the occasional eerie, intense moment that makes you shiver a little. I love it!
Where we left off yesterday, David had just made his covenant with God and settled in Israel with his hordes of strangely named offspring. Chapter 6 describes the process of moving the Ark of God into the new capital city, a riskier job than you might imagine; for instance, one of the helpers accidentally stumbles and grabs the Ark for support, causing God to "[strike] him down for his imprudent action" (2 Sam 6:7). Tough cookies! Once the Ark is moved, everyone has a big party and dances in the street. Saul's daughter/David's wife, Michal, watches the festivities from her window and when she sees her husband "leaping and whirling before the Lord" it causes her to "despise him in her heart" (2 Sam 6:16). Michal is such a bitch! She and David later discuss the issue and he scorns her claim that he appears to be a "vulgar clown" (2 Sam 6:20) by explaining that he'll dance for God if he wants to and there's nothing she can do about it so THERE.
In chapter 7 a prophet named Nathan appears and communicates a nice little blessing from God to David. God says that he will never take the kingship from David's line, and that his family will rule over Israel forever, and so on and so forth. Moving on: chapter 8 details a few of David's military conquests as king. My favorite excerpt from this section was a line about his treatment of the Moabites: "He defeated the Moabites and made them lie along the ground, where he measured them off with a length of cord; for every two lengths that were to be put to death one full length was spared" (2 Sam 8:2). Well that's... weird. I suppose this was to show how just a king David is; he does not arbitrarily kill ALL his enemies, only some of them.
In chapter 9 David shows off his kindness, as well as his political wisdom, by adopting Jonathan's crippled son, Mephibosheth. What a name! In doing this, he shows respect to his deceasedboyfriend and also eliminates any motivation Mephibosheth might have to conspire against him for the kingship. Clever ruse! I'm doubly glad for this since, through eliminating Mephibosheth's potential for a significant scheme, David has reduced the number of times I will have to write out his ridiculous name.
Chapter 10 concerns another battle. David, ever the diplomat, sends some delegates to talk to the new king of the Ammonites, but he turns out to be a total jerk and "shave[s] off half their beards and cut[s] off half their garments up to the buttocks" (2 Sam 10:4). This is as good a reason as any to start a war, so the Israelites go to battle with the Ammonites, who -- in spite of being assisted by the mercenary Armaeans -- lose horribly. The moral of the story is that David is a totally badass military commander and you shouldn't mess with his troops ever.
Although he has been the portrait of piousness and good character up until this point, in chapter 11 David commits some pretty serious offenses. One day he's chilling on the roof of his palace when he spies a beautiful woman bathing in the distance. He makes inquiries and discovers that her name is Bathsheba and she is the wife of a man named Uriah the Hittite. Although she is "still purifying herself after her period" (2 Sam 10:4) David has sex with her and knocks her up. Oh shit!
He sends for Uriah and tries to get him to go home and sleep with his wife, so that David's transgression will be covered up. However, Uriah is a devoted soldier and believes that he must maintain sexual abstinence in order to be ritually clean for battle. In other words, David is fucked.
To save his own butt, he concocts a sinister scheme. David instructs Joab, his army captain, to put Uriah "opposite the enemy where the fighting is fiercest, and then fall back, and leave him to meet his death" (2 Sam 11:15). Oh man, that is evil! The plan works perfectly, and David takes Bathsheba for his wife, but God is pretty pissed at him for being such an enormous asshole.
In chapter 12, Nathan the prophet reappears with a cute little parable for David about a rich man and a poor man. The rich man has many sheep and the poor man has just one, that he loves like a daughter. However, one day the rich man has company and he doesn't want to cook one of his own flock, so he kills the poor man's sheep instead. When David hears this story, he is seized with emotion and shouts that "the man who did this deserves to die" (2 Sam 12:5), at which point Nathan reveals that David is the man. I actually didn't give this metaphor a lot of thought while I was reading it, but now that I think about it... if David is the rich man, does that mean all the women are sheep? That's nice.
Anyway, God punishes David by condemning his firstborn son via Bathsheba to death. When the lad becomes sick, David is overcome with pious grief, refusing to eat and "lying in sackcloth on the ground" (2 Sam 12:16). However, when the boy finally dies, David resumes his normal activities almost immediately. Confused, the servants ask how he could behave so casually when, while the boy was alive, he did nothing but fast and cry. David's response is pretty great: "While the boy was alive...I fasted and wept, thinking, 'It may be that the Lord will be gracious to me, and the boy will live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him; he will not come back to me" (2 Sam 12:22-23). Oh man, that is heavy stuff. I'm getting goosebumps, although it might just be because IT'S COLD BECAUSE I LIVE IN MONTREAL NOW AND OCTOBER IN MONTREAL FEELS LIKE JANUARY IN CALIFORNIA! OH NO!
Anyway, after his son dies David goes to have sex with Bathsheba and conceives a second son, named Solomon. As we know, this lad will one day be king!
Chapter 13 details a delightful scandal that ensues among David's older offspring. This drama takes awhile to unfold and I love it because it's so Faulkner. Actually, I think it'd be more correct to say that Faulkner is so biblical, but whatever. I read Absalom! Absalom! before I read the biblical story of Absalom and so in the canon of my brain, the former existed first.
We are introduced to Amnon and Absalom, half brothers and David's first- and second-born sons respectively (although the genealogy is a bit muddled and I'm not 100% sure on this). Absalom has a sister named Tamar who Amnon falls for pretty hard, becoming so "tormented that he bec[omes] ill with love for his half-sister" (2 Sam 13:2). Oh man, incest is the best! Amnon consults his friend, a fellow named Jonadab, who tells him to fake being sick and ask Tamar to cook him something. This seems like a pretty good idea to the young prince, who takes to his bed and requests his half-sister to make him bread-cakes. After she bakes them, he orders everyone else out of the room and asks her to "come to bed with [him]" (2 Sam 13:11). Tamar tells him how shameful such an act would be, but Amnon apparently doesn't care too much because he rapes her! Then -- and this is so goddamn Faulkner I almost squealed with delight while reading it -- Amnon is "filled with intense revulsion...stronger than the love he had felt" (2 Sam 13:15). He callously sends her away, while she weeps and protests: "Your sending me away," she says, "is worse than anything else you have done to me" (2 Sam 13:16).
GOD THIS STORY IS SO INTENSE! And it only gets better! When word gets out about what happened, everyone is pretty pissed. David, who is apparently a pushover in situations like this, does not act because Amnon "[is] his eldest son and he [loves] him" (2 Sam 13:21) but Absalom vows to avenge his sister's honor. What a southern gentleman. He bides his time for two years, then throws a party and while Amnon is drunk, he orders his servants to murder him.
Fearing repercussions for his actions, Absalom flees to Geshur, but after three years David gets over it and starts to miss his second-born son and so David's army commander, Joab, constructs a plan to enable Absalom's return. In chapter 14 he sends an old woman to David, who tells him the story of her two sons; one day they "came to blows out in the country... and one struck the other and killed him" (2 Sam 14:6). She explains that her kinsmen have demanded she put the surviving son to death, but doing so would leave her with no one in the world. David agrees that this would be terrible and swears to protect her son, at which point she notes that he's being a total hypocrite by keeping Absalom in exile: "By the decision you have pronounced, your majesty, you condemn yourself in that you have refused to bring back the one you banished. We shall all die; we shall be like water that is split on the ground and lost; but God will spare the man who does not set himself to keep the outlaw in banishment" (2 Sam 14:14).
So Absalom is permitted to return, and he becomes tremendously popular among the Israelites for his handsomeness and princely mannerisms. He gets married, has three sons and a daughter named Tamar (obviously because of his weird, Faulknery, subconsciously incestuous devotion to his sister), and spends his days charming the people. All is well for about seven years, but eventually Absalom becomes dissatisfied with his role and sneaks off to Hebron, where he rallies forces and tries to seize the kingship from his father. David is sufficiently rattled by this, as he leaves Jerusalem. Also troubling to David is the fact that one of his key counselors, Ahithophel, switches loyalties to Absalom.
While in the wilderness, David encounters a relative of Saul, who curses him: "Get out, get out, you murderous scoundrel! The Lord has taken vengeance on you for the blood of the house of Saul whose throne you took, and he has given the kingdom to your son Absalom" (2 Sam 16:7). David shrugs him off, saying, "If he curses because the Lord has told him to curse David, who can question it?" (2 Sam 16:10). Meanwhile, Absalom arrives in Jerusalem, at which point Ahithophel advises him to sleep with his father's concubines so that "all of Israel will come to hear that you have given great cause of offense to your father, and this will confirm the resolution of your followers" (2 Sam 16:21). Chapter 16 ends with Absalom committing the dirty deed.
What a story! Tomorrow we will finish the second book of Samuel and start on Kings. All I know about Kings is that Solomon features prominently, so stay tuned to find out what's going to happen to Absalom and the rest of the brothers. This is pretty good stuff, huh?
Where we left off yesterday, David had just made his covenant with God and settled in Israel with his hordes of strangely named offspring. Chapter 6 describes the process of moving the Ark of God into the new capital city, a riskier job than you might imagine; for instance, one of the helpers accidentally stumbles and grabs the Ark for support, causing God to "[strike] him down for his imprudent action" (2 Sam 6:7). Tough cookies! Once the Ark is moved, everyone has a big party and dances in the street. Saul's daughter/David's wife, Michal, watches the festivities from her window and when she sees her husband "leaping and whirling before the Lord" it causes her to "despise him in her heart" (2 Sam 6:16). Michal is such a bitch! She and David later discuss the issue and he scorns her claim that he appears to be a "vulgar clown" (2 Sam 6:20) by explaining that he'll dance for God if he wants to and there's nothing she can do about it so THERE.
In chapter 7 a prophet named Nathan appears and communicates a nice little blessing from God to David. God says that he will never take the kingship from David's line, and that his family will rule over Israel forever, and so on and so forth. Moving on: chapter 8 details a few of David's military conquests as king. My favorite excerpt from this section was a line about his treatment of the Moabites: "He defeated the Moabites and made them lie along the ground, where he measured them off with a length of cord; for every two lengths that were to be put to death one full length was spared" (2 Sam 8:2). Well that's... weird. I suppose this was to show how just a king David is; he does not arbitrarily kill ALL his enemies, only some of them.
In chapter 9 David shows off his kindness, as well as his political wisdom, by adopting Jonathan's crippled son, Mephibosheth. What a name! In doing this, he shows respect to his deceased
Chapter 10 concerns another battle. David, ever the diplomat, sends some delegates to talk to the new king of the Ammonites, but he turns out to be a total jerk and "shave[s] off half their beards and cut[s] off half their garments up to the buttocks" (2 Sam 10:4). This is as good a reason as any to start a war, so the Israelites go to battle with the Ammonites, who -- in spite of being assisted by the mercenary Armaeans -- lose horribly. The moral of the story is that David is a totally badass military commander and you shouldn't mess with his troops ever.
Although he has been the portrait of piousness and good character up until this point, in chapter 11 David commits some pretty serious offenses. One day he's chilling on the roof of his palace when he spies a beautiful woman bathing in the distance. He makes inquiries and discovers that her name is Bathsheba and she is the wife of a man named Uriah the Hittite. Although she is "still purifying herself after her period" (2 Sam 10:4) David has sex with her and knocks her up. Oh shit!
He sends for Uriah and tries to get him to go home and sleep with his wife, so that David's transgression will be covered up. However, Uriah is a devoted soldier and believes that he must maintain sexual abstinence in order to be ritually clean for battle. In other words, David is fucked.
To save his own butt, he concocts a sinister scheme. David instructs Joab, his army captain, to put Uriah "opposite the enemy where the fighting is fiercest, and then fall back, and leave him to meet his death" (2 Sam 11:15). Oh man, that is evil! The plan works perfectly, and David takes Bathsheba for his wife, but God is pretty pissed at him for being such an enormous asshole.
In chapter 12, Nathan the prophet reappears with a cute little parable for David about a rich man and a poor man. The rich man has many sheep and the poor man has just one, that he loves like a daughter. However, one day the rich man has company and he doesn't want to cook one of his own flock, so he kills the poor man's sheep instead. When David hears this story, he is seized with emotion and shouts that "the man who did this deserves to die" (2 Sam 12:5), at which point Nathan reveals that David is the man. I actually didn't give this metaphor a lot of thought while I was reading it, but now that I think about it... if David is the rich man, does that mean all the women are sheep? That's nice.
Anyway, God punishes David by condemning his firstborn son via Bathsheba to death. When the lad becomes sick, David is overcome with pious grief, refusing to eat and "lying in sackcloth on the ground" (2 Sam 12:16). However, when the boy finally dies, David resumes his normal activities almost immediately. Confused, the servants ask how he could behave so casually when, while the boy was alive, he did nothing but fast and cry. David's response is pretty great: "While the boy was alive...I fasted and wept, thinking, 'It may be that the Lord will be gracious to me, and the boy will live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him; he will not come back to me" (2 Sam 12:22-23). Oh man, that is heavy stuff. I'm getting goosebumps, although it might just be because IT'S COLD BECAUSE I LIVE IN MONTREAL NOW AND OCTOBER IN MONTREAL FEELS LIKE JANUARY IN CALIFORNIA! OH NO!
Anyway, after his son dies David goes to have sex with Bathsheba and conceives a second son, named Solomon. As we know, this lad will one day be king!
Chapter 13 details a delightful scandal that ensues among David's older offspring. This drama takes awhile to unfold and I love it because it's so Faulkner. Actually, I think it'd be more correct to say that Faulkner is so biblical, but whatever. I read Absalom! Absalom! before I read the biblical story of Absalom and so in the canon of my brain, the former existed first.
We are introduced to Amnon and Absalom, half brothers and David's first- and second-born sons respectively (although the genealogy is a bit muddled and I'm not 100% sure on this). Absalom has a sister named Tamar who Amnon falls for pretty hard, becoming so "tormented that he bec[omes] ill with love for his half-sister" (2 Sam 13:2). Oh man, incest is the best! Amnon consults his friend, a fellow named Jonadab, who tells him to fake being sick and ask Tamar to cook him something. This seems like a pretty good idea to the young prince, who takes to his bed and requests his half-sister to make him bread-cakes. After she bakes them, he orders everyone else out of the room and asks her to "come to bed with [him]" (2 Sam 13:11). Tamar tells him how shameful such an act would be, but Amnon apparently doesn't care too much because he rapes her! Then -- and this is so goddamn Faulkner I almost squealed with delight while reading it -- Amnon is "filled with intense revulsion...stronger than the love he had felt" (2 Sam 13:15). He callously sends her away, while she weeps and protests: "Your sending me away," she says, "is worse than anything else you have done to me" (2 Sam 13:16).
GOD THIS STORY IS SO INTENSE! And it only gets better! When word gets out about what happened, everyone is pretty pissed. David, who is apparently a pushover in situations like this, does not act because Amnon "[is] his eldest son and he [loves] him" (2 Sam 13:21) but Absalom vows to avenge his sister's honor. What a southern gentleman. He bides his time for two years, then throws a party and while Amnon is drunk, he orders his servants to murder him.
Fearing repercussions for his actions, Absalom flees to Geshur, but after three years David gets over it and starts to miss his second-born son and so David's army commander, Joab, constructs a plan to enable Absalom's return. In chapter 14 he sends an old woman to David, who tells him the story of her two sons; one day they "came to blows out in the country... and one struck the other and killed him" (2 Sam 14:6). She explains that her kinsmen have demanded she put the surviving son to death, but doing so would leave her with no one in the world. David agrees that this would be terrible and swears to protect her son, at which point she notes that he's being a total hypocrite by keeping Absalom in exile: "By the decision you have pronounced, your majesty, you condemn yourself in that you have refused to bring back the one you banished. We shall all die; we shall be like water that is split on the ground and lost; but God will spare the man who does not set himself to keep the outlaw in banishment" (2 Sam 14:14).
So Absalom is permitted to return, and he becomes tremendously popular among the Israelites for his handsomeness and princely mannerisms. He gets married, has three sons and a daughter named Tamar (obviously because of his weird, Faulknery, subconsciously incestuous devotion to his sister), and spends his days charming the people. All is well for about seven years, but eventually Absalom becomes dissatisfied with his role and sneaks off to Hebron, where he rallies forces and tries to seize the kingship from his father. David is sufficiently rattled by this, as he leaves Jerusalem. Also troubling to David is the fact that one of his key counselors, Ahithophel, switches loyalties to Absalom.
While in the wilderness, David encounters a relative of Saul, who curses him: "Get out, get out, you murderous scoundrel! The Lord has taken vengeance on you for the blood of the house of Saul whose throne you took, and he has given the kingdom to your son Absalom" (2 Sam 16:7). David shrugs him off, saying, "If he curses because the Lord has told him to curse David, who can question it?" (2 Sam 16:10). Meanwhile, Absalom arrives in Jerusalem, at which point Ahithophel advises him to sleep with his father's concubines so that "all of Israel will come to hear that you have given great cause of offense to your father, and this will confirm the resolution of your followers" (2 Sam 16:21). Chapter 16 ends with Absalom committing the dirty deed.
What a story! Tomorrow we will finish the second book of Samuel and start on Kings. All I know about Kings is that Solomon features prominently, so stay tuned to find out what's going to happen to Absalom and the rest of the brothers. This is pretty good stuff, huh?
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Day 25, 1 Samuel 25-31, 2 Samuel 1-5
As we continue to the end of 1 Samuel, we don't see a lot of continuity. In spite of everyone making up and becoming pals again at the end of chapter 24, chapter 25 sees David back in the wilderness near Carmel, on the lam. Here he encounters a couple named Abigail and Nabal, the former of whom is "a beautiful and intelligent woman" (1 Sam 25:3) but the latter of whom has inherited the biblical asshole gene. One day David sends him a polite request for a protection payment -- since David had helped out with his flocks and shepherds -- and Nabal flips a shit. At first David gets really mad and makes an oath to kill Nabal, but Abigail tracks him down and begs him not to. He realizes that if he kills a bunch of people it will hurt his campaign to be king, and refrains from committing the crime. David is becoming quite the politician! And since God likes him so much, he takes the killing into his own hands anyway, causing Nabal to get so drunk at a banquet that he has a seizure, and "ten days later the Lord [strikes] him down" (1 Sam 25:39). With the buttface Nabal out of the way, David proposes marriage to Abigail and they continue on their way.
Chapter 26 is essentially another version of chapter 24: David is faced with an opportunity to kill Saul and refrains, because of the sanctity of the "Lord's anointed" (1 Sam 26:9). In this story, David enters Saul's camp while he is sleeping, rather than Saul inadvertently finding David's hiding place, and the coolest part is when David leaves the camp and starts yelling stuff from a mountain. He condemns Abner, the king's second-in-command, for being asleep in a moment where David could have easily killed Saul, and pleads that Saul make peace with him. As in chapter 24, the king responds with an apology and blesses David.
However, these two chapters don't seem to have left a huge impression on Saul, since he resumes his manhunt in chapter 27! David is forced to flee from Israel to the Philistine territory, where he becomes a "vassal" for Achish of Gath, the king. Because of his efficiency and skill as a soldier, he is very popular among the Phillies.
The narrative shifts in chapter 28, and we return to Saul's point of view. Concerned about his waning power, he sneaks off in disguise to meet with a seer -- although he "had banished from the land all who trafficked with ghosts and spirits" (1 Sam 28:3). She summons Samuel's ghost, who tells Saul for the millionth time that his kingship is no longer legitimate and he needs to make way for David. However, as we have seen, Saul is pretty delusional and this doesn't make much of an impression on him.
In chapter 29, the Philistines and Amalekites go to war... again... David, who is serving as a vassal for Achish of Gath, is prepared to fight for the Philistine cause, but the army commanders mistrust him because of his origins and the king sends him home. Upon arriving in his town of Ziklag, he discovers that it has been raided and the populace abducted. Not only are his wives and children gone, but "the troops, embittered by the loss of their sons and daughters, [threaten] to stone him" (1 Sam 30:6). Oh no! Luckily, David is great pals with God, who tells him to track down the raiders and rescue everyone. On the way, the troops encounter an escaped slave, who directs them to the Amalekite kidnappers. As per usual, Dave and company triumph over the enemy, and everyone is happy.
This chapter provides us with further evidence of what a true champ David is; apparently, not all of the troops participated in the rescue mission, and one of the soldiers suggests to David that those who didn't go should not share in the spoils of victory. David scoffs at this idea, saying that God has delivered the raiding party into their hands and that "all must share and share alike" (1 Sam 30:24). What a great guy!
In spite of these happy occurrences, 1 Samuel ends on a bitter note. After fighting the Amalekites, the Philistines go to war with Israel, and Saul's three sons are killed in battle. Fearing that the "uncircumcised brutes may...come and taunt [him] and make sport of [him]" (1 Sam 31:4), Saul kills himself! Oh dear.
The second book of Samuel is a direct continuation of the first, and begins with David finally assuming the kingship. His respect for Saul is demonstrated once again when he receives news of the former monarch's death from one of his servants, who claims to have delivered the final blow to relieve Saul from the "throes of death" (2 Sam 1:9). David flips a shit that anyone would dare kill the "Lord's anointed" and sentences the servant to death. Kind of a jerk move, but I think he's just upset that his boy-toy Jonathan is also dead.
Chapter 1 continues with a lovely dirge that David writes himself, mourning the deaths of Saul and his sons. Jonathan gets special mention: "My brother...you were most dear to me; your love for me was wonderful, surpassing the love of a woman" (2 Sam 1:26). Whoa! Let's keep this rated PG, Dave. After all, we have to teach it in Sunday Schools.
In chapter 2, Saul's second-in-command Abner appoints the only surviving son, Ishbosheth, to be king of Israel. David, meanwhile, has assumed his role as king of Judah, and a very weird battle between the two groups ensues. During the fighting, Abner kills the son of one of David's military leaders, a man named Asahel, causing his brothers to swear vengeance. This will be significant in a moment!
Chapter 3 introduces us to David's shockingly poorly named children; among them we have Haggith, Shephatiah, and Ithream. These aren't even names! They're just words! Aside from Absalom I didn't recognize any. Solomon, as we know, will be born eventually, and I am curious how he will come to power when he has so many older brothers.
Meanwhile, back at the Israelite camp, Abner gets in an argument with Ishbosheth over a concubine, which causes him to shift loyalties. In order to prove his new found allegiance to David, he brings David's first wife Michal back to him as a gift. This is a pretty funny incident, since Michal had remarried since David went on his lam, and "her [new] husband follow[s] her as far as Bahurim, weeping all the way, until Abner order[s] him back" (2 Sam 3:16). Hah! Sucks for you, new hubby.
Abner has influence among most of the tribes, because of his connection to Saul, and David recognizes how valuable he will be as a political ally. However, not long after he arrives in the Judahite camp, Asahel's brothers murder him in revenge. Here, we really see David's prowess as a politician -- because he makes a huge stinking deal about the death, publicly cursing Abner's killers (although not sentencing them to death!) and freeing himself entirely from any blame in the eyes of the populace.
In chapter 4, the path to kingship is completely cleared for David, because Ishbosheth is murdered. In his weirdly just manner, David sentences Ishbosheth's killer to death, since apparently he saw his political rival as "an innocent man" (2 Sam 4:11).
Finally, in chapter 5, David becomes the king of Israel! He makes a covenant, differentiating his kingship from that of Saul -- who was king by conquest -- and moves the capital to Jerusalem. Jerusalem at this point was a Jebusite city, but he conquers it with ease, and settles down to have a ton more kids. Solomon is born in Jerusalem, as well as a slew of other weirdly named children like Shobab, Nepheg, and Eliphelet.
All is well in the biblical world! More tomorrow.
Chapter 26 is essentially another version of chapter 24: David is faced with an opportunity to kill Saul and refrains, because of the sanctity of the "Lord's anointed" (1 Sam 26:9). In this story, David enters Saul's camp while he is sleeping, rather than Saul inadvertently finding David's hiding place, and the coolest part is when David leaves the camp and starts yelling stuff from a mountain. He condemns Abner, the king's second-in-command, for being asleep in a moment where David could have easily killed Saul, and pleads that Saul make peace with him. As in chapter 24, the king responds with an apology and blesses David.
However, these two chapters don't seem to have left a huge impression on Saul, since he resumes his manhunt in chapter 27! David is forced to flee from Israel to the Philistine territory, where he becomes a "vassal" for Achish of Gath, the king. Because of his efficiency and skill as a soldier, he is very popular among the Phillies.
The narrative shifts in chapter 28, and we return to Saul's point of view. Concerned about his waning power, he sneaks off in disguise to meet with a seer -- although he "had banished from the land all who trafficked with ghosts and spirits" (1 Sam 28:3). She summons Samuel's ghost, who tells Saul for the millionth time that his kingship is no longer legitimate and he needs to make way for David. However, as we have seen, Saul is pretty delusional and this doesn't make much of an impression on him.
In chapter 29, the Philistines and Amalekites go to war... again... David, who is serving as a vassal for Achish of Gath, is prepared to fight for the Philistine cause, but the army commanders mistrust him because of his origins and the king sends him home. Upon arriving in his town of Ziklag, he discovers that it has been raided and the populace abducted. Not only are his wives and children gone, but "the troops, embittered by the loss of their sons and daughters, [threaten] to stone him" (1 Sam 30:6). Oh no! Luckily, David is great pals with God, who tells him to track down the raiders and rescue everyone. On the way, the troops encounter an escaped slave, who directs them to the Amalekite kidnappers. As per usual, Dave and company triumph over the enemy, and everyone is happy.
This chapter provides us with further evidence of what a true champ David is; apparently, not all of the troops participated in the rescue mission, and one of the soldiers suggests to David that those who didn't go should not share in the spoils of victory. David scoffs at this idea, saying that God has delivered the raiding party into their hands and that "all must share and share alike" (1 Sam 30:24). What a great guy!
In spite of these happy occurrences, 1 Samuel ends on a bitter note. After fighting the Amalekites, the Philistines go to war with Israel, and Saul's three sons are killed in battle. Fearing that the "uncircumcised brutes may...come and taunt [him] and make sport of [him]" (1 Sam 31:4), Saul kills himself! Oh dear.
The second book of Samuel is a direct continuation of the first, and begins with David finally assuming the kingship. His respect for Saul is demonstrated once again when he receives news of the former monarch's death from one of his servants, who claims to have delivered the final blow to relieve Saul from the "throes of death" (2 Sam 1:9). David flips a shit that anyone would dare kill the "Lord's anointed" and sentences the servant to death. Kind of a jerk move, but I think he's just upset that his boy-toy Jonathan is also dead.
Chapter 1 continues with a lovely dirge that David writes himself, mourning the deaths of Saul and his sons. Jonathan gets special mention: "My brother...you were most dear to me; your love for me was wonderful, surpassing the love of a woman" (2 Sam 1:26). Whoa! Let's keep this rated PG, Dave. After all, we have to teach it in Sunday Schools.
In chapter 2, Saul's second-in-command Abner appoints the only surviving son, Ishbosheth, to be king of Israel. David, meanwhile, has assumed his role as king of Judah, and a very weird battle between the two groups ensues. During the fighting, Abner kills the son of one of David's military leaders, a man named Asahel, causing his brothers to swear vengeance. This will be significant in a moment!
Chapter 3 introduces us to David's shockingly poorly named children; among them we have Haggith, Shephatiah, and Ithream. These aren't even names! They're just words! Aside from Absalom I didn't recognize any. Solomon, as we know, will be born eventually, and I am curious how he will come to power when he has so many older brothers.
Meanwhile, back at the Israelite camp, Abner gets in an argument with Ishbosheth over a concubine, which causes him to shift loyalties. In order to prove his new found allegiance to David, he brings David's first wife Michal back to him as a gift. This is a pretty funny incident, since Michal had remarried since David went on his lam, and "her [new] husband follow[s] her as far as Bahurim, weeping all the way, until Abner order[s] him back" (2 Sam 3:16). Hah! Sucks for you, new hubby.
Abner has influence among most of the tribes, because of his connection to Saul, and David recognizes how valuable he will be as a political ally. However, not long after he arrives in the Judahite camp, Asahel's brothers murder him in revenge. Here, we really see David's prowess as a politician -- because he makes a huge stinking deal about the death, publicly cursing Abner's killers (although not sentencing them to death!) and freeing himself entirely from any blame in the eyes of the populace.
In chapter 4, the path to kingship is completely cleared for David, because Ishbosheth is murdered. In his weirdly just manner, David sentences Ishbosheth's killer to death, since apparently he saw his political rival as "an innocent man" (2 Sam 4:11).
Finally, in chapter 5, David becomes the king of Israel! He makes a covenant, differentiating his kingship from that of Saul -- who was king by conquest -- and moves the capital to Jerusalem. Jerusalem at this point was a Jebusite city, but he conquers it with ease, and settles down to have a ton more kids. Solomon is born in Jerusalem, as well as a slew of other weirdly named children like Shobab, Nepheg, and Eliphelet.
All is well in the biblical world! More tomorrow.
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