Day 18, Deuteronomy 32-34, Joshua 1-9

Today we finish up the Torah and begin the Book of Joshua, which I'm delighted to say seems to contain STORYTIME rather than laws. Not that I can complain about all the law, since yesterday's reading was quite satisfactory.

The last few chapters of Deuteronomy reminded me a lot of the end of Genesis; just as Jacob blessed his twelve sons, Moses conducts a similar blessing for the twelve tribes descended from these sons. In chapter 34, Moses goes up to the top of Mount Nebo, a mountain in Moab, and looks out at the promised land before he dies. This is kind of sad! The narrative tells us to "remember the strong hand of Moses and the awesome deeds which he did in the sight of all of Israel" (Deut 34:12). Will do! Moses was indeed pretty awesome, well put, bible.

Meanwhile, back in the lowlands, Joshua has assumed his post as Moses's successor and prepares to enter Canaan. He addresses the people who swear their loyalty, saying, "As we obeyed Moses in all things, so shall we obey you" (Joshua 1:17). Oh man. Maybe you guys should try to obey Joshua a little better than you obeyed Moses? Just a suggestion.

In chapter 2, Joshua sends two spies to reconnaitre the land (SAT word alert, take note!). These two spies arrive at the house of a prostitute named Rahab, who allows them to spend the night. Rahab turns out to be a very noble prostitute indeed, because soon after their arrival the King of Jericho shows up with his troops and asks if she has seen any Israelites around. She lies to protect them, and the troops continue on their way. As thanks, the two spies promise Rahab that her family will be spared when they start killing everyone like the assholes they are.

In chapter 3 the Israelites traverse the Jordan, their crossing reminiscent of when they crossed the Red Sea in Exodus. Then in chapter 4, they set up twelve memorial stones to commemorate their entry into the promised land. There is some inconsistency about where these stones are placed; the account first puts them at a place called Gilgal, then later says they were also put in the middle of the Jordan River.

In chapter 5, God instructs Joshua to "fashion knives out of flint, and make Israel a circumcised people again" (Joshua 5:2). Oh no! This is going to hurt! According to the narrative, the Egyptian-born Israelites were circumcised, but neglected to perform the rite on their children born in the wilderness. Thus, the whole community had to undergo this ritual together, causing the encampment to be renamed Gibeath-haaraloth, hill of the foreskins. It seems like I must be joking here, BUT I'M NOT!

Chapter 5 also marks the end of manna eating! The Jews finally get to taste the produce of Canaan. Awesome.

In chapter 6, the Israelites begin their rather gruesome campaign of burning up all the local cities. Their first siege is the town of Jericho, which they conquer by marching around it every day for seven days; at the end of this period the walls collapse and the Israelite army can enter the city, where they kill everyone inside except Rahab, the noble prostitute. Joshua warns the tribes not to take any of the silver or gold for themselves, as these goods "belong to the Lord and must go into his treasury" (Joshua 6:19). I feel compelled to raise the question, why does God need money? Being all-powerful and without physical form, it's not like he's going to walk into a store and buy a Rolex or something.

In spite of Joshua's warnings, the Israelites remain their disobedient, mentally challenged selves, and immediately after the siege do something "perfidious." Man, isn't this vocab great? Perfidious, by the way, means "deceitful and untrustworthy," and the fellow guilty of perfidious behavior is a young Judahite named Achan, who decides to take some of the gold from the battle for himself. However, this sin has immediate repercussions; when the Israelites proceed to attack the next city on their list, a town called Ai, they are struck down by Amorite forces. Only thirty-six of them die, which doesn't seem like much since the population of Jews supposedly equals the number of stars in the sky, but Joshua freaks out and asks God, "What can I say, now that Israel has been routed by the enemy?" (Joshua 7:8). God lets Joshua in on the perfidious behavior that has been going on behind his back, and the community stones Achan to death. The curse is lifted, and the Israelites triumph once again over Ai!

This event is detailed in chapter 8, where the tribes construct a rather clever ruse to win the battle. They divide their army into two groups, the first of which hides while the second group stands at the city gates. When the Amorites attacks the second group, they pretend to flee, drawing the Amorites away from Ai and allowing the first group to go in and start burning everything up. At this point, the groups converge and are able to overtake the Amorite army.

Something of interest to me was that the Israelites do not actually intend to live in these cities, or derive any practical use from them. They just want to kill everyone and light stuff on fire! What assholes!

By chapter 9, news of these attacks have spread across the nation, and the populaces of the remaining nearby cities come up with a plan to save themselves. The people dress up as old beggars and approach the Israelite camp, claiming to have come from a distant land. They ask to settle in Canaan, and perhaps because of previous divine instruction to be nice to aliens, the Israelites consent and make an oath of peace.

When the Israelites find out the truth, it is already too late. They decide that the people will become slaves of the tribes, but will not be put to death. Well that's just swell!

That wraps things up for today. Tomorrow we can expect more bloody conquest, and I'm not sure what else. Whatever happens, I'm sure it'll be GREAT.

Until then!