Day 12, Numbers 5-13

Hello, humble readership. Today we will continue to make progress through Numbers, and I am delighted to say that midway through today's reading our narrative from Exodus returns; the Israelites finally leave Mount Sinai and head off towards the promised land. Hooray for progress! However, it must be noted that this does not happen until chapter 9, so we still have a fair bit of law to discuss before we plunge back into storytime.

Chapter 5 opens with a discussion of SKIN PROBLEMS, which is great because I don't think we've heard anything about those yet. Give it a rest, God. We know that you don't want acne'd people in your camp, WE'RE TAKING CARE OF IT. God also explains how to atone for sin if you accidentally wrong a fellow Jew -- you have to pay money and make a sacrifice, yada yada yada. You can imagine.

This chapter also deals with adultery, which is kind of fun! If a woman cheats on her husband, and he suspects her, he has to bring her to the high priest, who performs a ritual. Basically if the woman is guilty she will have a "miscarriage and untimely birth" (Numbers 5:22) but if she is innocent, her pregnancy will progress normally. I guess in order to be accused of cheating you have to be pregnant. I also think this is a pretty funny custom because obviously having a miscarriage has nothing to do with your moral standing and I bet a lot of people got arbitrarily fucked over/let off the hook by this tradition! By the way, the miscarriage itself is punishment for adultery; no one gets stoned to death or anything.

Chapter 6 explains how to become a Nazirite, which is like a sacred person who makes an oath with God... or something... There are a lot of weird rules for prospective Nazirites to obey, like abstaining from alcohol, leaving hair uncut, and avoiding corpses. In fact, "if someone suddenly falls dead by [a prospective Nazirite's] side, touching him and thereby making his hair, which has been dedicated, ritually unclean, he must shave his head on the day when he becomes clean; he shall shave it on the seventh day" (Numbers 6:9). The prospective Nazirite then has to restart his oath from the beginning, which is inconvenient because the process is a lengthy one. Man! Don't you hate it when someone drops dead next to you and in their last fleeting moments of life has the nerve to touch and defile your hair? It's just so rude!

In chapter 7 the tabernacle is set up (hasn't this happened like ten times already?) and we get to hear a long, drawn out description of what every tribe sacrifices to God. Each tribe presents their offering on a different day, with the Levites going last in chapter 8, because they are the priestly tribe and have a lot of special additional rules to follow.

In chapter 9, God explains what to do if you are unclean on the day of Passover (celebrate it anyway and then make a sacrifice a month later to atone) and then OUR STORY PICKS UP AGAIN! God, in magical cloud form, enters the tabernacle and guides the tribes away from Sinai towards Edom.

God kicks off chapter 10 by explaining a really complicated system of organizing people through the use of trumpets. One blast indicates that the tribes living to the east of the tabernacle are supposed to move, two blasts for the people encamped to the south, etc, etc. I think the Jews just wanted an excuse for some jazzy interludes to their journey. God also lets Moses know that "when you go into battle against an invader and are hard pressed by him, sound a fanfare on the trumpets, and this will serve as a reminder of you before the Lord your God and you will be delivered from your enemies" (Numbers 10:9). In other words, "I'm mostly paying attention to you but sometimes I get bored and click the superspeed button and go downstairs to make a sandwich, so just blow your horn in case I space out." I understand, God. I play the Sims too.

Moses also convinces his brother-in-law, Hobab the Midianite, to come along and guide them -- because apparently Magical Cloud Tabernacle God isn't good enough?! I haven't talked at all about Moses's in-laws, but this is the third time they've appeared: the first time, his father-in-law was named Reuel, then his name was changed to Jethro. In this chapter, he is named Reuel again.

Chapter 11 opens with the Israelites resuming their status as LITTLE BITCHES!!! As soon as the journey begins they start complaining, which causes God to set them all on fire. Classic Sims move. I know how you're feeling, God.

I imagine the incident looked something like this:

Even after this incident, the tribes continue to whine and complain: "Remember how in Egypt we had fish for the asking, cucumbers and water-melons, leeks and onions and garlic. Now our appetite is gone; wherever we look there is nothing except this manna" (Numbers 11:5-6). Okay. First off, way to fuel the whole "slaves eating watermelon" stereotype, you racist assholes. Secondly, IN EGYPT YOU WERE ENSLAVED! NOW YOU'RE FREE! SHUT UP!!

Moses is pretty incredulous about how goddamn ungrateful everyone is, and petitions God: "This people is a burden too heavy for me; I cannot carry it alone. If that is your purpose for me, then kill me outright: if I have found favor with you, spare me this trouble afflicting me" (Numbers 11:14-15). God decides to appease the people and makes a ton of quails appear for them to eat, but at the last minute he is struck with divine wrath and decides to inflict the quail-eaters with "a severe plague" (Numbers 11:33). Kind of a jerk move, but this time I think the Israelites may have had it coming.

He also honors Moses's request and allows a council of seventy elders to assist him. They all go into the Tent of Meeting, where they are "seized by prophetic ecstasy" (11:25). Two of them, named Eldad and Medad, don't go to the tent but are nonetheless seized by this prophetic ecstasy in public! I can't decide if this is supposed to be dirty or not, but God and Moses are chill about it.

In chapter 12, Miriam and Aaron get super jel of Moses being the leader, even though they too have addressed God, and furthermore Moses is married to a Midianite rather than an Israelite, which is totally not cool. They gossip to each other about him, which the bible lets us know is inappropriate since Moses is "the most humble man on earth" (12:3). God overhears them and sends the trio to the Tent of Meeting, where he effectively tells Miriam and Aaron to STFU by inflicting Miriam with a horrific skin disease. Return of the skin disease! Luckily we are, at this point, VERY well-versed in what to do about this kind of scenario. Moses is alarmed and prays for God to spare his sister, and God tells him that Miriam must be "confined outside the camp for seven days and then be brought back" (Numbers 12:14). So all is resolved.

In chapter 13, the tribes reach Canaan and God instructs Moses to send a party into the land. He picks a representative from each tribe, who wander around for forty days picking fruit and scoping things out. When they return they report that Canaan is a lovely place, "flowing with milk and honey" (Numbers 13:27), but the people are abnormally large and frightening. Eleven of the twelve representatives say that the land cannot be conquered, but Caleb -- the representative from the tribe of Judah -- wants to give it a try.

The chapter ends with the representatives shooting him down and saying that while visiting the country they felt "no bigger than grasshoppers" (Numbers 13:33) and that "the country we explored...will swallow up any who go to live in it" (Numbers 13:32). I would venture that this hesitancy is not going to be rewarded! But we won't know for sure  until tomorrow's reading.

See you then!