Day 14, Numbers 24-33

First off, I would like to preface this entry by saying that this blog now has a facebook page! Here is the link, go become a fan. You can also follow me on twitter, @Biblein3Months, although I forewarn you I have no idea how to use twitter. Let's make this blog go viral like that video of Rebecca Black, because you know, it's the bible, bible, gotta get down and read the biiiiiiiible.

I am very excited to discuss today's reading because it was really top notch.  As you may recall, we left with Balaam, the Moabite curser, preparing a sacrifice so that he could bless the Israelites. In chapter 24 he proceeds with this, to the displeasure of the king, Balak. When confronted, Balaam explains that he cannot go against the will of God, and Balak -- though angry -- simply dismisses him, rather than killing him as I'd pretty much expected.

At this point the narrative shifts back to the Israelites, who are encamped in a Moabite city called Shittim. The name of this city clearly originates from August of 2010, when Tim Lincecum's fastball velocity dropped a good ten miles per hour and he posted the worst numbers of his career, causing Giants fans and Moabites alike to exclaim, in agony, "Shit, Tim!" Anyway, the Israelite men "[begin] to have intercourse with Moabite women, who [invite] them to the sacrifices offered to their gods" (Numbers 25:1-2). This lack of piety combined with sexual deviance really annoys God, who demands that all the tribe leaders be put to death along with those who violated the covenant with God by making sacrifices to idols.

And the trouble doesn't stop there! In fact, things are just getting started. According to the footnotes, the fact that these rebellions are occurring immediately after Balaam's blessing is supposed to be ironic, although I'm not sure that I buy that since I just read a book that talked about how irony and humor are Hellenistic literary innovations, unknown to the authors of the bible. Seriously. It's just funny by accident, if you can believe that.

After they get out of Moab, another Israelite "[brings] a Midianite woman into his family in open defiance of Moses and all the community of Israel" (Numbers 25:6). Apparently the fact that MOSES'S WIFE IS A MIDIANITE has been forgotten, since everyone gets really upset about this. The mishap culminates when "Phinehas son of Eleazar, son of Aaron the priest... [takes] a spear, and [goes] into the nuptial tent after the Israelite, where he transfix[es] the two of them, the Israelite and the woman, pinning them together" (Numbers 25:7-8). Wow! That's pretty grotesque! God is satisfied with this effort and brings an end to a previously unmentioned plague, which had killed twenty-four thousand Jews. He promises Phinehas that he and all his descendants will be in the priestly family -- even though they were already in the priestly family because of their direct relation to Aaron -- and tells the Israelites to "make the Midianites suffer as they made you suffer with their wiles, and strike them down" (Numbers 25:17). Well, okay. Whatever you say, God.

In chapter 26, Moses takes another census.  Since chapters like this are pretty irredeemably boring, I took it upon myself to find all the funniest names to share with you. From the Gadites we have Haggi and A-Rod (before he was a Yankee, obviously). From the Benjaminites we have Shupham and Hupham. Among the Josephites we have a family of five daughters: Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah. First of all, isn't Noah a boy name?! And second of all... why do none of these names crop up again? Why is every Jewish kid named Sarah or Rebecca or Jacob or David? We need more Shuphams in the world.

Chapter 27 outlines the procedure for how property should be passed down if a man dies and has no sons. The aforementioned Josephite daughters find themselves in this very predicament after the death of their father, and petition Moses to inherit his property. For the first time in the whole stinkin' bible we get some legislation that gives a little support to us women: God decrees that if a man has no sons, his land should go to his daughters; if he has no daughters it should go to his brothers, then his father's brothers, and if all else fails, any surviving relative.

At the end of this chapter God tells Moses that his time has come to die, not because he's over one hundred years old but because "you and Aaron disobeyed my command when the community disputed with me in the wilderness of Zin" (Numbers 27:13). In case you forgot, this was the instance where Moses made water appear out of a rock and really pissed God off for no discernible reason. God instructs Moses to go up on Mount Abarim and "view the land which I have given to the Israelites" (Numbers 27:12), and selects Joshua, one of the two scouts who remained loyal to him, to be Moses's successor.

Chapters 28 and 29 give us more instructions (or rather, repeat the same instructions) about community offerings and holy days. Chapter 30 teaches us about making vows, and unfortunately the feminist gains we made in chapter 27 are not echoed here; a man's vow is always binding, but a woman's vow can be vetoed by her husband or father.

Chapter 31 resumes the story, and the tribes set forth to "exact vengeance for Israel on the Midianites" (Numbers 31:2). The eligible soldiers go into the land and kill every adult male, including Balaam, the Moabite curser who blessed the Jewish people. What was he doing in Midian and why did they kill him?! What the fuck, man!

Despite their most violent efforts, Moses is unsatisfied with the soldiers, asking, "Have you spared the women?... Remember, it was they who, on Balaam's departure, set about seducing the Israelites into disloyalty to the Lord in the affair at Peor, so that the plague struck the community of the Lord" (Numbers 31:15-16). He instructs the soldiers to "kill every male child, and kill every woman who has had intercourse with a man" (Numbers 31:17). So much for "thou shalt not kill", huh! I am also seriously wondering where Zipporah, Moses's Midianite wife, was during all of this.

The end of chapter 31 talks about the cleansing rituals in which the Jews partake after all of this bloodshed, and a post-battle census is conducted. Interestingly, the taking of a census is offensive to God, and he requires "expiation" or payment whenever one is made. This is a little weird since on several occassions he has actually requested for a census to be taken, but still wants payment! What a jerk!

In chapter 32 the tribes arrive at the lands of Jazer and Gilead, to the east of the Jordan River. The Gadites, Reubenites, and some of the tribe of Manasseh really like this land, so Moses agrees that as long as they accompany the rest of the tribes to help everyone settle and kill all the Canaanites and so on, they will be allowed to live there.

Finally, the reading wraps up with a thrilling summary of the Israelites's journey thus far. After their completed travel itinerary is laid out, they set up camp and prepare to enter Canaan! Wow!

Tomorrow will bring us to the end of Numbers and into Deuteronomy, the last book of the Torah. What an accomplishment! Anyone who has been reading along with me, give yourselves a pat on the back. We've made it two weeks! Ten more to go!