Day 10, Leviticus 14-23

I think I spoke too soon in complaining about these books comprising mostly law, because today's reading was golden! It turns out that on top of telling us about skin disease and teaching us how to sacrifice rams, Leviticus also offers some invaluable lessons on genital discharge and sexual practices. Oh boy, oh boy! Is this book great or what?

Chapter 14 opens with a continuation of chapter 13's skin disease discussion. Basically, God carries on in excruciating detail explaining exactly how zits (and other skin deformities, I would presume) should be ritually cleansed. I don't get what the big stinking deal is about these skin problems -- we feel bad enough about them already, God! Don't drag us through these awful and embarrassing rituals just because we might have a zit on our nose, or a mole on our tush. I bet Charles Bukowski is pretty psyched he didn't live in biblical times, because if I remember correctly he had some kind of grotesque chronic acne as a teenager.

Chapter 14 also tells us about fungus, or more specifically what to do "if [God] inflict[s] a fungous infection upon a house" (Lev 14:34). God is going to inflict the fungus? What an asshole! Why are you inconveniencing everyone like this, God? Don't you  have something better to do?

Things really heat up in chapter 15, which is all about what to do "when anyone has discharge from his private parts" (Lev 15:2). According to the footnotes, this chapter is actually referring to gonorrhea, which is a relief because -- if you will permit me to be gross for a moment -- I'm pretty sure most people have some form of genital discharge on a regular basis and these rules are pretty strict! For instance, no one can touch the person with the discharge. Anywhere the person sits or sleeps is "ritually unclean." If the infected party spits on a "ritually clean" person -- because apparently having gonorrhea makes you a jerk who spits on everyone -- they become "unclean till evening" (Lev 15:8). If they touch an earthenware bowl, it must be smashed. Is it just me, or is this kind of a mean thing to do to someone who is already probably pretty bummed about their gonorrhea?

This chapter also lays down guidelines for menstruation, which is to be approached in essentially the same way as gonorrhea: don't touch a menstrauting woman, anywhere she sleeps or sits is unclean, etc, etc. This also happens when a man produces semen, except his uncleanness lasts only until the end of the day, as opposed to seven days for women on their periods.

In chapter 16, God explains how the Israelites are supposed to atone for the sins of Aaron's sons, who -- as you may remember -- got smote down in our last reading for offering "illicit fire before the Lord" (Lev 16:1). Apparently getting killed by God isn't atonement enough, and the people have to make a big ol' sacrifice. The ritual is interesting in that it shows us how the community can atone for sin collectively -- something that was outlined earlier on -- and also because it leads to the introduction of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.

Chapter 17 explains how animals should be killed when one intends to eat them; according to the footnotes this chapter reflects the period immediately following the Babylonian exile, when the entire population of Jews lived in the area surrounding Jerusalem, because it is required that all Israelites present meat at the temple there before eating it. This rule will apparently be changed in Deuteronomy.

In chapter 18, we return to the fun stuff: sex laws! Here we learn that we shouldn't have sex with our mothers, sisters or sisters-in-law, aunts, grandchildren, etc. It seems like common sense but many of these things were permissible at earlier times, and were actually seen in the bible: for instance, marrying two sisters is forbidden here, but we know that Leah and Rachel were sisters and they both married Isaac without punishment. An even more textually contemporary example is Moses and Aaron, who were in fact the product of a marriage to an aunt.

Chapter 18 of Leviticus is also where we see that infamous line, "You must not lie with a man as with a woman; that is an abomination" (Lev 18:22). Considering that this chapter is bookended by explanations of complicated ritual sacrifices, intricate rules regarding the treatment of acne and fungus, and many other things that are SUPER RELEVANT TODAY, we should definitely take this line seriously and use it to dictate our modern laws.

Chapter 19 is referred to as the "Holiness Code" because it restates many of the aforementioned laws and outlines penalties for transgressions. One law that I particularly enjoyed is as follows: "Do not treat the deaf with contempt, or put an obstacle in the way of the blind" (Lev 19:14). What? We're not allowed to fuck with blind people? I thought the bible was all about fucking with people!!!

Some of the laws are kind of nice -- like the command to "love your neighbor as yourself" (Lev 19:18) -- and some of them are funny and weird, like the warning not to "debase your daughter by making her become a prostitute" (19:29). Thanks for the tip, God, I didn't know that was a bad thing.

Chapter 20 reiterates the sex teachings of chapter 18, but attaches penalties, most of which are brutal death, although sometimes the transgressors luck out and just get "cut off in the presence of their people" (Lev 20:17). Most of these sexual transgressions are simply said to "bring shame upon" their victims, although it should be noted that for a brother and sister to see each other unclothed is not just shameful but an "infamous disgrace." I wonder what makes it so infamous!

Chapter 21 talks about rules for joining the priesthood. The office is hereditary, passed down through the Levites, but even someone from the proper clan can be denied membership on the basis of several physical defects. In other words, NO FREAKS ALLOWED! This includes "a blind man, a lame man, a man stunted or overgrown, a man deformed in foot or hand, or with misshapen brows or a film over his eye or a discharge from it, a man who has a scab or eruption or has had a testicle ruptured" (Lev 21:18-20). You can't be too tall, too short, too ugly (no unibrows), and both your testicles must be intact. Seems fair. The importance of testicles is further emphasized in chapter 22, which talks more about animal sacrifices and consumption. "If its testicles have been crushed or bruised, torn or cut," God says on the topic of bulls and sheep, "do not present it to the Lord." (Lev 22:24).

Chapter 23 wraps up with a description of all the important holy days, which seem to get talked about a lot: Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashanah, Shavuot, Sukkot, and Passover. God offers his version of how these events are supposed to be observed, but I'm going to skip it and tell you my condensed take, as your friendly resident Jew. They are really boring services followed by food. Also, during Sukkot you get to build a treehouse or something. I don't know.

Tomorrow we finish Leviticus! Godspeed!