Day 13, Numbers 14-23

Sorry for posting so late! My challah-making extravaganza got a little crazy last night (I wish I was joking) and as a result I didn't get home until pretty late. I usually try to get started on a day's reading the night before, but yesterday I didn't have time, so this morning I had to go to class and power through nine chapters of Numbers, all on very little sleep. I am a little tired so I apologize if I'm not 100% on my game.

At the end of yesterday's reading, twelve scouts -- one from each tribe -- went into the promised land to scope things out. Their assessment of the area was mixed, with the majority claiming that the Israelites would be overpowered if they tried to settle there. Only Caleb, from the tribe of Judah, and Joshua, from the tribe of Ephraiam, think it's a good idea to try and proceed, but they are outnumbered.

The Israelites are super bummed about this and return to their favorite activity of bitching and complaining. In fact, some of them even discuss finding someone to lead them back to Egypt! Really guys?!! Are you kidding me?

Caleb and Joshua address the distressed crowds, proclaiming that the goodwill of God will allow the Israelites to enter the land unharmed, but the tribes just threaten to stone them to death. At this point, God gets pretty pissed off: "How much longer," he asks Moses, "will this people set me at naught? How much longer will they refuse to trust me in spite of all the signs I have shown among them?" (Numbers 14:11) Good fucking question, God! He is ready to throw in the towel with these whiny Israelites -- "strike them with pestilence [and]... deny them their heritage" (Numbers 14:12) -- but Moses talks him out of it by saying that all the Egyptians will gossip about him and say that he is an incompetent God who couldn't lead his people to the promised land and so on and so forth. God is pissed off but he doesn't want to lose face to Anubis and Horus and all those guys, so he makes a compromise. He won't abandon the people of Israel, per se, but he will punish them by denying them access to the promised land. Of the tribes he says, "Not one of you will enter the land which I swore with uplifted hand should be your home, except only Caleb son of Jephunneh and Joshua son of Nun. Your dependents, who, you said, would become the spoils of war, those dependents I shall bring into the land you have rejected, and they will enjoy it. But as for the rest of you, your bones will lie in this wilderness; your children will be wanderers in the wilderness forty years, paying the penalty of your wanton faithlessness till the last one of you dies there" (Numbers 14:30-33). Then he inflicts the ten unloyal scouts with a horrific plague, and they all die. The moral of this story, obviously, is to STOP FUCKING WITH GOD AND TRUST HIM BECAUSE HE'S OBVIOUSLY SUPER POWERFUL, but no one really gets the point. As our story continues, the Israelites will continue to be whiny bitches.

Chapter 15 is mostly just rules about making offerings to God, which seem pointless because all these people are so ungrateful that I don't see any conceivable way they'd make an offering to anyone. It is pretty boring for the most part, but there is a charming cautionary tale about what happens to people who don't follow the rules. One day, an unnamed man decides to gather some sticks on the sabbath. He is taken into custody and eventually stoned to death for his transgression! Apparently God takes relaxation pretty seriously.

Chapter 16 is pretty fun because it involves God setting everyone on fire again. Basically this guy named Korah, from the Levite tribe, gets mad that Moses and Aaron have so much authority and incites a little rebellion of about 250 people. Moses tells them to present incense to God, who will then "declare who is his, who is holy and who may present offerings to him" (Numbers 16:5). Apparently this type of offering is against the rules, and God totally doesn't dig it. He wants to kill everyone, but Moses -- ever the diplomat! -- talks him out of it. Moses instructs the people to stand away from the tents of Korah and his two pals, Abiram and Dathan, and immediately "the ground beneath them split[s] apart... [and the earth] swallow[s] them and their homes" (Numbers 16:31). Then, as previously mentioned, God punishes the incense burners by setting them all on fire!

It only gets better. The next day God overhears the Israelites complaining about what a jerk he is for killing the rebels. God doesn't like when people talk smack about him, so he inflicts the Israelites with a plague that kills fourteen thousand of them! That's a lot of people!

I wonder when they'll catch on that they should probably go with whatever this God guy wants?

Chapter 17 is a short one. God tells Moses to collect a staff from the leader of each tribe and inscribe it with his name. Moses follows these instructions and leaves the staff in the Tent of Meeting; when he returns the next day, he discovers that Aaron's staff has sprouted almonds, which -- incidentally -- are delicious. I found a machine in the mall that gives out chocolate covered almonds for a quarter! It was the best day ever!

Moses hangs up the staff as a symbol of God's power. You might think that the Israelites would be psyched about this, but at this point, expecting any optimistic or positive response from them is really just wishful thinking. "This is the end of us!" they say to Moses. "We must perish, one and all!" (Numbers 17:12). Give it a rest, guys! Stop being such Debbie Downers!

Chapter 18 concerns priestly duties, which we've heard about a million times. I'm not going to go into detail because I'm crazy tired and it isn't actually interesting.

In chapter 19, we learn about how to do purity rituals after contact with corpses, which is useful information considering God just went batshit on the tribes and killed like fifteen thousand of them. You have to use the ashes of a red cow to make a weird purifying water and sprinkle it on people, basically. Good stuff.

Chapter 20 begins with Miriam's death and ends with Aaron's death, which is kind of a bummer because I liked them! That's to say, they didn't do a huge amount to make me hate them, like most of these assholes in the bible.

In between these two sad events, the Israelites continue to complain, this time about the lack of water. Moses uses his staff to make water come out of a rock, which makes God mad for reasons that I am completely unable to identify. According to the footnotes, the reason is unclear, but "may  have been because Moses, by acting himself, high-handedly, thereby impedes a miracle dependent on divine grace." My personal interpretation is that everyone in this story is just irritable and bitchy all the time because it's so sandy and hot in the Middle East. Also, they wanted Gatorade, not water!

The tribes progress to Edom -- which, I must remind you, is the land founded by descendants of Esau, the only biblical figure thus far to show true moral fiber and strength of character! However, his progeny have fallen into the "irritable and bitchy" typography that we see so often, and they refuse to let the Jews continue through their land. Soon after this, Aaron dies, and these two unfortunate incidents combine to make the Israelites raise another stink. Once again they ask Moses why he brought them out of Egypt, saying that they "are heartily sick of this miserable fare" (Numbers 21:5). This time, God does not appease the people at all, and simply sends poisonous snakes to attack them. Moses has to use his diplomat skills again to get God to relent, and the tribes keep on keeping on. As they journey, they manage to defeat the Canaanites and the Amorites, and by chapter 22 they arrive in Moab. The king, whose name is Balak, becomes understandably nervous for his nation, having seen the fate of the neighboring regions. He calls upon Balaam, a professional curser, to take care of the Israelites. Balaam, however, consorts with God before making any rash moves, and is told not to curse the Jews. He relates this message to Balak, who continues to pester him, and eventually God gives him permission to accompany the Moabite chiefs.

Balaam saddles his trusty donkey and sets off towards some desert vista for his rendezvous, but on the way God gets mad (even though he JUST TOLD BALAAM TO GO) and sends an angel to block Balaam's path. The donkey is able to see the angel but Balaam cannot, so he gets really pissed off when his donkey refuses to advance down the road. He beats the crap out of her with his whip and his staff, making the people at PETA writhe uncomfortably in their seats, and after a few moments of this, God gives the donkey a voice. Balaam and the donkey argue a little bit about who is being unreasonable, and then suddenly "the Lord open[s] Balaam's eyes [and] he sees the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn" (Numbers 22:31). He is super apologetic even though the whole incident was totally just another case of God fucking with people, as he is wont to do.

In chapter 23 Balaam meets up with Balak, who is annoyed at his lateness but nonetheless excited to perform the curse. However, Balaam goes off to converse with God and once again receives the message that he should not curse the Israelites. Balak thinks location is the issue and drags Balaam from vista to vista, saying that "perhaps God will be pleased to let you curse them for me there" (23:27). But despite his bouts of divine wrath, God is loyal to the tribes, and will not let Balaam curse them. Chapter 23 ends rather abruptly, with Balaam preparing his sacrifices in the third location, preparing to address God again. I guess this abrupt ending makes it kind of a cliffhanger, huh?

Next time on the Bible: will Balak succeed in cursing the Israelites? Will God light more people on fire? Will Ross and Rachel get back together? Tune in next time to find out!