Day 90, Revelations 6-22

Well, WE FUCKING DID IT! Do you like how I include you in this, saying "we" even though I've done literally all the work? Whatever. I'm too elated to care right now. IT'S OVER! IT'S DONE! THE BIBLE IS READ!

In the next few days I will attempt to write something conclusive, a sort of coda for this project, but right now I'm just going to give you a good old fashioned entry. Revelations is an INSANE FREAKING BOOK and deserves some attention.

When we left yesterday, Zombie Jesus Lamb had just appeared from nowhere and was preparing to open up the seven seals. Upon opening the first four, different colored horses appear, each whom symbolize a different element of the earth's impending destruction. The fifth seal causes martyrs to appear under the altar... okay... And the sixth seal causes a big stinkin' EARTHQUAKE! The imagery is totally insane, with "stars of the sky [falling] to the earth...[and] the sky [vanishing] like a scroll that is being rolled up" (Revelations 6:13-14). How cool is that?

In chapter 7, 144,000 people are chosen -- or "sealed," since we seem to really love that word -- to be servants of God, and then the multitudes line up in front of God's throne. Then the seventh seal is opened, at which point all hell truly breaks loose; there are "peals of thunder, rumblings, flashes of lighting, and an earthquake" (Revelations 8:5). Seven angels blow trumpets in succession, each of which causes people to die in different gruesome ways; through this "first woe," a third of earth's population is killed.

The imagery in Revelations, as I've already said, is so damn cool. John must have taken a ton of LSD before he wrote this. In chapter 10, an angel "wrapped in a cloud, with a rainbow over his head, and [a] face like the sun, and his legs like pillars of fire" (Revelations 10:1) gives John a little book, which he instructs him to EAT, then scamper off and make more prophecies. Like the good Christian soldier he is, John consents, noting that the book tasted GREAT but didn't agree with his tummy.

John goes off to measure the altar in the temple -- because when in doubt, measure stuff -- and while he is on his way over, the second "woe" occurs. The seventh angel blows his trumpet and voices declare that "the kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of his Christ" (Revelations 11:15), and God's "temple" in heaven is opened.

In chapter 12, "a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars" gives birth to a son, but a dragon appears in the sky and tries to eat him. Fortunately, both of them escape, the child going to God and the woman fleeing into the wilderness. Meanwhile, the angels wage war against the dragon, who we find out is named Satan! He is thrown from the heavens to earth along with his pals, where he pursues the woman, but she sprouts wings and is able to escape. The dragon gets so pissed that he decides to wage war with the rest of humankind.

Chapter 13 gives us a nifty description of two of Satan's evil monster pals, then in chapter 14 the narrative shifts back to our friend THE LAMB, who is standing on Mount Zion with the redeemed people. Some angels flutter around telling people to worship God and not Satan, although I have to say that if I was faced with a choice between a cool red dragon and a scary seven-eyed lamb, I'd probably go with the former. Satan sounds like Charizard!

After this, the angels decide that they haven't caused enough havoc, and drop seven golden bowls onto the earth. These cause seven more horrific plagues, the third "woe."

While all this is going on, John goes for a pleasant stroll on the beach and sees a prostitute. At first he's like, "Whoa, look! A prostitute!" but an angel says to him, "Why do you marvel? I will tell you the mystery of this woman, and of the beast with seven heads and ten horns that carries her" (Revelations 17:7). The prostitute apparently represents Babylon, and each of her attributes are some symbol of earthly sin. In chapter 18, Babylon is destroyed, and everyone is super bummed.

They get over it quickly, however, and chapter 19 is devoted to praising God, who "has judged the great prostitute who corrupted the earth with her immorality" (Revelations 19:2). Hooray! All is well! John's angel friend tells him, "Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb" (Revelations 19:9). In his enthusiasm and fervor, John starts to worship the angel, but the angel is like, "Dude, cut it out, I'm just a servant of God too you know." They are spared any kind of awkward aftermath, because at this point a white horse appears and throws some monsters into a lake!

This is a great story!

Anyway, Satan gets tied up for a thousand years, during which Jesus reigns happily. After the thousand years, Satan is released and tries to fight, but his efforts are in vain and he is thrown into a lake of sulfur and fire. It is noted that, "if anyone's name [is] not found written in the book of life, he [is] thrown into the lake of fire" (Revelations 20:15).

I guess this refers to JEWS and HOMOSEXUALS, among others.

Chapter 21 gives us a dazzling description of the new heaven, new earth, and new Jerusalem, which radiates "like a most rare jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal... [and] has no need of sun or moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb" (Revelations 21:11-22).

The LAST CHAPTER of the whole freakin' bible tells us to get psyched, because Jesus ordained all this stuff and it's going to happen any day now: "Behold, I am coming soon," Jesus says. "Blessed is the one who keeps the words off the prophecy of this book" (Revelations 22:7).

Wow. Golly gee. That was quite the tale! I suspect it will take me a little while to process all that I read. For the time being...

LET'S PARTY!!!!

Day 89, 2 Peter, 1, 2, 3 John, Jude, Revelations 1-5

Oh geez, it's day EIGHTY NINE! One day left! Holy shit!

We've got six books today, which I think is our all time record. Most of them are pretty short and boring, so let's blow right on through this penultimate day of bible blogging!

Peter's second epistle is so darn different from his first epistle that most scholars suggest it was written by a later church figure around 150 CE. It deals loosely with the apocalypse, predicting the "glorious return of Christ," and has a lot of crossover with the letter of Jude, which we'll get to later.

Next up is John's first epistle, which my study bible explains is not so much a letter as a "tract" written to counter heretics who denied that Jesus's "incarnation" was real. It is presumed to have been written in Ephesus circa 95-110 CE. This letter has some nice stuff in it; the author talks a lot about LOVE and how gosh darn important it is: ""Whoever does not love abides in death," the author writes (1 John 3:14). YOU HEAR THAT, VOLDEMORT? Your horcruxes are nothing without LOVE!!!

Do I talk about Harry Potter too much in this blog? I guess I'm just psyched about FINISHING IT for the millionth time. Oh boy.

Anyway, John continues to lay on the hippie dippie crap about how God IS love, and that loving is synonymous with believing in God, yada, yada, yada. There's a nice little line in chapter 4 that rang a bell for me -- I think it must be pretty well known, although I don't know where I heard it: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he loved us first" (1 John 4:18-19). Aaaawww. I wanna cry! Who has a tissue?

John's next two letters are really freakin' short, taking up only a page each. The second letter is written by a man called "the Elder" to a specific Christian community, warning them to beware of heretics who deny Jesus. The third letter is also written by the Elder, this time to his pal Gaius, asking him to provide hospitality to a group of Emissaries.

The "Elder" is such a cool alias. Wasn't there a KISS album about him? There totally was! It was their "concept" album. God, what a great band.

 

How do I know shit like this?  Don't I continually shock you with my bizarre inventory of really embarrassing knowledge?

Second to last is the letter of Jude, who directed his thoughts to all Christians rather than a specific congregation. How inclusive! His purpose in writing is to urge Christians to defend their faith against false teaching. As incentive he reminds us of historical wrongdoers, like the citizens of Sodom and Gomorrah, who were subjected to "a punishment of eternal fire" (Jude 1:7).

Finally, we arrive at the LAST BOOK OF THE BIBLE! Revelations -- or, the Revelation of John -- is an apocalyptic work written by the prophet John, presumably during the reign of Domitian (81-96 CE). Influenced by Old Testament works like Daniel, Isaiah, Zechariah, and particularly Ezekiel, it encourages Christians to stay devoted to their religion in the face of persecution. And it's pretty fucking surreal.

Revelations opens with a foreward and greeting, like most of the stuff we've read lately, then dives into the thrilling story of John's vision and commission. One day he was chilling on the island of Patmos, where he was preaching Christian doctrine to the people, and Jesus appeared to him, "clothed with a long robe and with a golden sash around his chest. The hairs of his head were white, like white wool, like snow. His eyes were like a flame of fire, his feet were like burnished bronze, refined in a furnace, and his voice was like the roar of many waters" (Revelations 1:13-15). That is such a badass description I don't even know what to say. Like any respectable Christian soldier, John collapses upon having the vision, but Jesus tells him to stop being a pussy and to write down everything he says, because it's important, gosh darnit!

The next two chapters contain seven letters to seven different churches, all of whom receive specific praises and admonishment. If I wasn't lazy, and thought it might interest you, I would explain this in more detail, but unfortunately I'm way too DGAF for such matters. Chapter 4 contains John's vision of heaven, where he sees God chilling on a giant throne surrounded by twenty-four elders and weird winged monsters, who "unceasingly... sing, 'Holy, holy, holy is God the sovereign Lord of all, who was, and is, and is to come!" (Revelations 4:8). They do this ALL DAY? Doesn't that get annoying?!

Anyway, John sees a scroll sitting next to God, and the angels start to debate who is worthy to open it. They can't think of anyone, and John starts to cry, but then one of the elders tells him to shut up because look who's coming! John wipes his tears away and sees a Zombie Lamb with seven horns and seven eyes take the scroll. All the elders bow down to him and sing a song about how great he is.

God, this is weird! This is even weirder than the scene in Tommy when his mom throws a champagne bottle at the TV and baked beans start pouring out. Anyway, what will the scroll contain? No one knows! Come back tomorrow for the final entry to find out.