Day 60, Jeremiah 50-52, Lamentations 1-5

Really not a lot to say today -- this reading was pretty psalm-like in the sense that it was 1) mostly in verse and 2) boring. Jeremiah wraps up on the same note we ended on yesterday, with God describing the doom that will befall other nations. Of interest, I learned that the Babylonians are actually not the same as the Persians who later allowed the Jews to return to Israel. In chapters 50 and 51, Jeremiah prophesies the downfall of Babylon at the hands of an unnamed empire. The final chapter is an "appendix" summarizing Zedekiah's reign, taken almost word for word from 2 Kings 24... because Kings hasn't been summarized enough!

The brief book that follows, Lamentations, is a collection of five poems about how bummed everyone is about the fall of Jerusalem. Since this is pretty boring I tried to liven it up by pretending it was an allegory for Brian Sabean trading Jonathan Sanchez to the Royals. I just found out about this yesterday, and although it's actually a decent trade, I'm sentimental about Slingin' Jonny Sanchez and it hit me hard. For the most part this allegory doesn't work, but I kept it in mind as I read. Of Jerusalem, the poet writes, "She weeps bitterly in the night; / tears run down her cheeks. / Among all who loved her / she has no one to bring her comfort. / Her friends have all betrayed her; / they have become her enemies" (Lamentations 1:2). Jonathan Sanchez weeps just as Jerusalem does; his friends, the Giants, have betrayed him by sending him to Kansas, where he -- as a member of another team -- must become their enemy.

The poet continues: "The Lord has made her suffer / because of her countless sins" (Lamentations 1:5). "The Lord" is clearly a metaphor for the Giants front office, and most prominent among the sins in question is that insane walks-per-nine-innings rate that is just getting worse every year. Oh Jonny. If only you could have harnessed that talent we all know you have. But alas, it could not be.

The people in Jerusalem are starving and search for bread, saying, "Look, Lord, and see / how cheap I am accounted" (Lamentations 1:11). As Dirty 57 has taught us, cheap is relative. With arbitration we'd owe him five million for 2012, and he'll be a free agent in '13.

I could keep doing this, but I think you get the point. The poems continue on a similar note, with a few references to people eating their children. Why are people ALWAYS eating their children in the bible? Who does that?! I'm pretty sure even the freakin' Donner Party waited for people to die of natural causes before eating them.

Sorry for being so brief today. Like the Israelites I am in mourning, although I know these surprising events may yield greater joy in years to come. For the time being, I urge you to remember Jonathan Sanchez!

Good night, sweet prince!

Day 59, Jeremiah 38-49

My friends, we are two-thirds of the way through the bible! Now that's progress! Just a few more chapters left in Jeremiah and then onto Lamentations tomorrow.

Today's reading was kind of fun, consisting of more narrative than boring verse about God's omnipotence and stuff. Chapter 38 starts off with Jeremiah being arrested and thrown into a cistern again. One of the eunuchs petitions the king, saying, "Your majesty... these men have acted viciously in their treatment of the prophet Jeremiah. They have thrown him into a cistern, and he will die of hunger where he is, for there is no more bread in the city" (Jeremiah 38:9). Well if there's no bread IN THE CITY won't he die of hunger even if he's not in the cistern? Regardless, Zedekiah pulls him out and asks if the prophet might give him some advice. Jeremiah is reasonably pretty wary of this, saying, "If I speak out, you will certainly put me to death; if I offer advice, you will disregard it" (Jeremiah 38:15), but Zedekiah promises to play nice and Jeremiah tells him that he must surrender to the king of Babylon. After their chat, Zedekiah asks that Jeremiah keep the conversation private, probably because he doesn't want everyone to know that he's consorting with such a big loser. It's kind of like when you were in elementary school and your mom set up a playdate with the class weirdo to be nice, and sure you played Kirby's Dreamland 2 together and it was sort of fun, but no one at school has to know about that, right? RIGHT?!!!

Jerusalem is finally besieged in chapter 39; the Judean nobles and Zedekiah's sons are slain before his eyes, which are subsequently gouged out, leaving him blind. The Babylonian king Nebuchadrezzar instates a fellow named Gedaliah as a sort of puppet governor, and exiles everyone except for the poorest class of citizens, who are allowed to live in the vineyards and stuff.

One thing I wanted to clarify -- because I really did not get this until right now when I just looked it up on Wikipedia -- is that the Chaldaens and the Babylonians are the same people. I was under the impression that two different groups were attacking Israel, but it's actually the same one. Oops! Good to know!

The Babylonian king is really nice to Jeremiah, and after everyone is captured tells him that he can choose to go to Babylon or remain in Judea, recommending that he "go back to Gedaliah... and stay with him among your people" (Jeremiah 40:5). Gedaliah seems like a pretty chill guy, but his reign over Judea doesn't last very long because in chapter 41 the Ammonite king sends a fellow named Ishamel to assassinate him. Ishmael spends the remainder of chapter 41 killing a shit ton of people and throwing their bodies into a cistern. Now that's what I'm talking about! This kind of stuff is why I read the bible.

Ishmael gathers up the survivors and starts heading towards Ammonite territory, but on the way is attacked by a squadron led by a guy named Johanan, and Ishmael has to flee. The people are still pretty afraid of him and ask Jeremiah if they should resettle in Egypt or remain in Judea, but when he tells them to stay in the promised land they totally blow him off and go to Egypt anyway. Why even bother asking?! Weirdly enough, they blame Jeremiah's trusty scribe pal for the unsatisfactory answer, saying, "You are lying! The Lord our God has not sent you to forbid us to go and make our home in Egypt; it is Baruch son of Neriah who is inciting you against us" (Jeremiah 43:2-3). Well, okay. Whatever you say, guys. I always thought Baruch was sort of an asshole too.

Once the people leave, God tells Jeremiah to go to Egypt and tell the people that because they were disobedient, the Babylonians are going to come find them and "set fire to the temples of the Egyptian gods...[and] scour the land of Egypt as a shepherd scours his clothes to rid them of lice" (Jeremiah 43:12). Now, to me this seems kind of unfair. Why are the Egyptians being punished too? They're just nice people who like eyeliner and painting on walls! What did they ever do to you, God?

In chapter 44 God goes on to talk about EXACTLY HOW PISSED HE IS, saying, "I have sworn by my great name... that my name will never again be invoked by any of the Judeans" (Jeremiah 44:26). I love that he swears by himself, because it'd be sort of schizophrenic for him to say, "I swear to God!" He has to say, "I swear to me!"

That's good stuff!

The last four chapters of today's reading are more of those boring "prophecies against foreign nations." They sort of come out of nowhere too, considering God was JUST TALKING ABOUT how mad he is at the Jews. According to the footnotes, this is a "note of comfort" on which the book concludes. Well, how nice. How nice and  boring.

Actually, I forgot! There was one line I liked! On Moab: "Make Moab drunk -- he has defied the Lord. / Let Moab overflow with his vomit / and become in turn a butt for derision. / Was not Israel your butt?" (Jeremiah 48:26-27)

Was not Israel your butt? Until tomorrow, I ask you to mull over this question. Is Israel your butt? And if not, what is your butt?

Day 58, Jeremiah 28-37

Although I didn't drink any alcohol this weekend it has nonetheless been pretty difficult to recover from, and I profess I was on the verge of dozing off while reading some of these chapters. Good thing I am so fervently devoted to this blog! I will do my best to summarize the events of these ten chapters in an amusing fashion, but given the circumstances I can't make any promises.

In chapter 28, another prophet named Hananiah shows up and contradicts Jeremiah, saying "within two years [God] shall restore to this place everything which King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon took from the Lord's house and carried off to Babylon... I shall break the yoke of the king of Babylon" (Jeremiah 28:3-4). Jeremiah is totally snarky when he responds, telling Hananiah that it's a GREAT PREDICTION but unfortunately "if a prophet foretells prosperity, it will be known that the Lord has sent him only when his words come true" (Jeremiah 28:9). In other words, we'll believe it when we see it!

If you remember from yesterday's reading, Jeremiah put a yoke around his neck as some weird kind of performance art/visual aid, and Hananiah breaks it. This totally pisses God off, and he smites down the false prophet, saying, "You have broken bars of wood; in their place you will get bars of iron" (Jeremiah 28:13). Ugh, nice going, asshole!

After all this fun, Jeremiah writes a letter to the exiled Judean leadership, telling them that they should continue to be "fruitful" because God is going to let them go back to Jerusalem in seventy years and they need to be prepared for it! He writes a similar letter to one of his pals, a fellow prophet named Shemaiah, telling him that the exile will be a lengthy one.

Chapters 30 and 31 are mostly in verse, with God and Jeremiah talking about how no one should worry too much because the restored Israel is going to be AWESOME, even though things suck right now. God uses this intriguing metaphor to describe the suffering people: "Enquire and see: can a man bear a child? Why then do I see every man gripping his sides like a woman in labor?" (Jeremiah 30:6).

Oh boy.

Chapter 32 confused me a little but from what I can tell, Jeremiah gets imprisoned and then buys a plot of land. After this ordeal he prays to God and they talk about how Israel is doomed but will eventually be redeemed. Smart to buy real estate right now, Jeremiah, because the value is gonna skyrocket!

In chapter 34 the narrative picks up a little; Jeremiah goes to King Zedekiah and tells him that he must hand over Jerusalem to the Babylonian king, explaining that he will be captured but not killed: "You will die a peaceful death," he tells the monarch, "and [the people] will kindle funeral fires in your honor" (Jeremiah 34:5). After this there is a bit of a drama-rama because the people are breaking the laws that God decreed back in Exodus about not enslaving fellow Jews. Well, they were breaking every other law so they just figured they'd make a complete job of it!

Chapter 35 contains a parable about the Rechabite family, who don't drink wine because their forefathers also didn't drink wine. God thinks this is AWESOME and a great example of people who "obey their ancestor's command" (Jeremiah 35:14), contrasting them with the disobedient Israelites.

After this great moral lesson, Jeremiah decides to send his trusty scribe sidekick, Baruch, to make a speech at the temple (since Jeremiah can't go there without getting stoned to death or yelled at or something). He goes and prophesies about all the approaching doom, and uncharacteristically the king's advisers take him quite seriously. They tell him to go into hiding with Jeremiah, then go to tell the king the bad news. Zedekiah, however, thinks it's all a bunch of bullshit and lights Baruch's scrolls on fire.

By chapter 37 Jeremiah has apparently come out of hiding, because Zedekiah asks him to "intercede on our behalf with the Lord our God" (Jeremiah 37:4). At this point, the Pharaoh invades the region and some group called the Chaldaens fights them off. Jeremiah cautions, "Do not delude yourselves by imagining that the Chaldaens will go away and leave you alone" (Jeremiah 37:9). True to his word, the Chaldaens attack Jerusalem, and Jeremiah flees to Benjamite territory. Once there, he is arrested and accused of defecting to the Chaldaens. Obviously he's not because first of all who the hell are they and second of all why is their name so difficult to spell?!!! but the authorities don't see this obvious logic and throw Jeremiah into a pit, where he remains for "many days" (Jeremiah 37:16).

Man, this guy just can't catch a break!

Zedekiah eventually pulls him out of the pit for long enough to question him about his motives. Jeremiah demands, "What wrong have I done to you or your courtiers or this people, that you have thrown me into prison?" (Jeremiah 37:18). Zedekiah doesn't actually answer the question, but he does put Jeremiah back in jail.

Geez Louise.

To wrap up today's entry, here's a fun fact! Apparently there is a French noun inspired by Jeremiah -- jérémiade -- which means "a mournful complaint." Jeremiah certainly does have a lot to complain about mournfully! I'm glad he got a noun for his troubles.

Day 57, Jeremiah 15-27

I write these words with a raging case of the post-birthday blues. In my food-induced stupor, I was unable to garner much of interest from the text, but it's so damn redundant that I'm sure my wavering attention won't cause us to miss anything. In order to make these readings more lively I recorded a video of myself reading one of the chapters in a funny voice, but unfortunately my webcam did something funny and I wasn't able to retrieve it. I do think this is a worthwhile endeavor, however, and I will attempt to do it again at some point in the future.

Up until chapter 25, there really isn't any new material. Jeremiah issues warnings and laments the stubbornness of the people, God talks about how he's going to punish and then redeem the Judean kingdom, blah blah blah. In chapter 18, God compares himself to a potter who periodically finds that "a vessel he was making from the clay would be spoilt in his hands, and he would remould it into another vessel to his liking" (Jeremiah 18:4). So by extension, Israel is the "spoilt vessel." This is really just a fancy way for God to say, "WHATEVA, WHATEVA, I DO WHAT I WANT!"

In chapter 21, war is declared on Judah and King Zedekiah asks Jeremiah to "enquire of the Lord on [his] behalf" (Jeremiah 21:2). The prophet informs them that they are SCREWED. The next few chapters discuss the approaching doom, and then in chapter 25 Jeremiah reflects on his twenty-three year long effort to make the Judahites behave themselves, concluding that it was a failure. Jeez. That's a really long time to devote yourself to a task even if you DON'T fail. I bet Jeremiah feels like a pretty big loser right now!

The last two chapters give us some narrative, which is always a delight. Chapter 26 describes an instance when Jeremiah is arrested for making his prophecies in the temple. Another prophet named Uriah is actually killed for relating similar messages of doom, but Jeremiah is spared because a fellow named Ahikam "use[s] his influence... to save [Jeremiah] from death at the hands of the people" (Jeremiah 26:24).

Chapter 27 has Jeremiah doing an act that the Wikipedia entry describes as "performance art." I like that! See, who says you shouldn't read Wikipedia? Anyway, he puts a yoke around his neck and tells the people that they should "submit to the yoke of the king of Babylon" (Jeremiah 27:12) because it will save their lives. I just love the visual aid! I bet it was especially helpful to the Israelites, who have proven themselves time and time again to be a little bit "learning challenged." Jeremiah would clearly make a good special ed teacher.

That's it for today! Now I can go back to playing Pokemon Black, which was my birthday gift to myself. In keeping with the biblical theme of my life, a lot of my Pokemon have names from this fabulous tome. Most of them are kind of random, but a few were clever. For instance, I named my Purrloin Cyrus after the Persian king from Isaiah. Get it? Purrrrrrrloin? Perrrrrrrrsia? IT'S FUNNY!!!

I also have this water monkey Pokemon that I named Bannus after a fellow that Josephus mentions in Antiquities. Like John the Baptist, Bannus lived in the woods and performed baptisms using water. A pretty good name for an elemental monkey, huh?

And yeah I know that's not actually biblical but it's really old which is close enough!

Ugh I am so sick and I haven't even done my crossword yet. Later.

Day 56, Jeremiah 4-14

First of all, today is my FREAKING BIRTHDAY so you should comment on my blog as a present to me!

Despite all the celebration, I am of course still making time for my beloved bible blog. Unfortunately, I could not have asked for a more boring selection of readings. Goddamn, these prophets suck! Blah blah blah the people of Israel are sinning blah blah blah God's gonna punish them blah blah blah YEAH WE FREAKING GET IT!!! AND IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! OKAY?!

I just wanted something raunchy and violent... Is that so much to ask?

Anyway, the gist of today's reading is that Jeremiah goes to the temple and talks about the approaching calamity and how the people will be at fault because of their naughty behavior. One sort-of cool moment comes in chapter 8 when he envisions the Israelites in captivity and asks, "Why has no new skin grown over their wound?" (Jeremiah 8:22). From this, you really see what a harsh wake-up call it's going to be when the Jews get exiled; they're so used to God being unconditionally forgiving (well, sort of) that when the "skin" doesn't grow back over the "wound" they're going to be pretty shocked.

Jeremiah goes on to explain how shitty society is when no one cares about God, describing the future Jerusalem as "a heap of ruins, a haunt of wolves" (Jeremiah 9:11). Chapter 10 talks about how idolatry is bad... Is it really? Has that been mentioned before? (HAHA JUST KIDDING THAT WAS A JOKE BECAUSE IT'S MENTIONED ALL THE FREAKING TIME.)

In chapter 11 there is a minor plot development, because some guys scheme to kill Jeremiah and he figures it out: "I had been like a pet lamb led trustingly to the slaughter," he remarks (Jeremiah 11:19).

Chapter 13 contains a pretty great metaphor. God tells Jeremiah to buy a loincloth and hide it. Before he hides it, he puts it on, so I'm not sure what he wears WHILE he's hiding it, but you can use your imagination for that. Some time elapses and God tells Jeremiah to go find the loincloth; when he does, he sees that it is "ruined and no good" (Jeremiah 13:7). God explains that "just as a loincloth is bound close to a man's body, so I bound all Israel and all Judah to myself...so that they should become my people to be a source of renown and praise and glory to me; but they did not listen" (Jeremiah 13:11). Wow, that's... creative? I like it!

In chapter 14 there's a drought, and some false prophets show up but God lets Jeremiah know that they are "offering false visions, worthless augury, and their own day dreams" (Jeremiah 14:14). So it'd be kind of like if I prophesied that Buster Posey is going to marry me or something... Which he is...

Anyway, that's today's reading! And if you've got time, stick around, because we've got something completely different. Yesterday my best friend wrote this on my facebook wall:

Did snape kill dumbledore the same way abraham killed isaac? Is voldemort like god? But like snape only pretended to have faith in voldemort?

This being a particularly fascinating question, I promised her I would mull it over and answer on my bible blog. My short answer is, no... Not even a little bit. But for the sake of FUN, let's explore this a little deeper!

First of all, let's determine who everyone would be in this scenario: Voldemort is God, Snape is Abraham, and Dumbledore is Isaac. These roles don't really work, but let's just see if the puzzle fits together.

God told Abraham to kill Isaac as a test of his loyalty. Likewise, Voldemort might have been testing Snape's loyalty when he instructed him to kill Dumbledore. So that part works.

Beyond that, the whole thing kind of falls apart -- because the point of Abraham agreeing to kill Isaac was that he trusted blindly in God. Snape obviously doesn't trust blindly in Voldemort because he tricks him. Also, Voldemort actually wanted Dumbledore dead, whereas God spared Isaac after he saw that Abraham was willing to kill him. Thematically there is no crossover. So nice try, Addie! But not nice enough.

I gave this special attention because one of my favorite games is that of casting people -- celebrities, literary characters, athletes, etc -- into biblical roles. I particularly like to do it with the Giants. All I've definitively decided is that Buster Posey is King David. It's tougher to figure out then you'd think!

Anyway, keep it real. Have a good day, because it's MY FREAKING BIRTHDAY!!

Day 55, Isaiah 54-66, Jeremiah 1-3

I hope you like boring prophetic mumbo-jumbo, because we sure have a lot of it! Chapters 56-66 comprise the "Trito-Isaiah," the third book-within-a-book. Trito-Isaiah was probably not written by one author, and as a result is varied and convoluted, lacking in cohesion and with different chapters coming from different periods. As you can imagine, this makes it an absolute JOY to read when you are an amateur bible scholar like myself! Oh geez.

The big theme here is probably God's willingness to forgive the Jews for their transgressions: "No longer will you be deserted, like a wife hated and neglected," he tells them. "I shall make you an object of everlasting acclaim, and a source of never-ending joy" (Isaiah 60:15). We also see the recurrence of a common biblical metaphor: the idea of God as a bridegroom and Israel as his bride.

In chapter 62 it is announced that Israel "will be called by a new name which the Lord himself will announce" (Isaiah 62:2). I got really excited about this because I thought maybe we could all vote and come up with something really cool, like Crypton or something, but God unfortunately neglected to consult me and picked the name Beulah. Beulah?! What the fuck is that? I can't even pronounce it. Is it like Bay-ooh-lah or Boo-lah or what?

The point of the new name, by the way, is to signify a new status and relationship to God.

Chapter 65 was a little fun because it opens with this speech from God: "I was ready to respond, but no one asked, ready to be found, but no one sought me. I said, 'Here am I! Here am I!' to a nation that did not invoke me by name" (Isaiah 65:1). Sounds like a pretty traumatic game of hide-and-seek, huh? Did you ever play that prank as a kid, where you count to ten and then just don't bother looking for anyone and see how long it takes them to come out? I did this sometimes just because the idea of having to find everyone stressed me out. I am a very neurotic person. Hiding also stressed me out. I'm getting stressed out thinking about this!!

There are a lot of descriptions of the "New Jerusalem," which I like because they remind me of this great poem by Donald Hall. In Isaiah, God describes people being "as long-lived as [trees]" while "the wolf and the lamb will feed together" (Isaiah 65:22-25). In Donald Hall's poem, "Distressed Haiku," there is a comparable passage: "In April the blue / mountain revises / from white to green. // The Boston Red Sox win / a hundred straight games. / The mouse rips / the throat of the lion // and the dead return. / the whole sky."

Is that close enough to justify sharing? You know what, I don't even care. I'm doing all the work here! And personally, if we're listing really unlikely things to communicate our points, I think the Boston Red Sox winning a hundred straight games is just as good as a wolf and a lamb feeding together.

Isaiah wraps up by describing how freaking great the rebuilt Jerusalem will be, with a nice addition about all the smoldering corpses of sinners that will be outside the city gates. Awesome. And now we can start Jeremiah!

Jeremiah was a prophet who worked during the period leading up to the Babylonian exile and destruction of the temple, and a little bit afterwards, eventually relocating to Egypt. He sought to sway the people from sin and was generally unsuccessful, although according to my study bible "his major accomplishment as a prophet was his contribution to his people's maturation: Judah could survive, he knew, even without the Jerusalem sanctuary." This realization is pretty darn important, because even though the Babylonian exile didn't last too long, relatively speaking, the Second Temple was destroyed in 70 CE and even though we don't have a new one yet, there are still a handful of Jews running around. Jeremiah and his pals are evidently an adaptable people.

Anyway, the first half of Jeremiah consists of speeches through which the prophet pleas with the Jews to behave themselves, and also mourns the stubbornness of the people. The second half was written by a biographer who records -- hopefully in exciting narrative fashion -- the events of Jeremiah's ministry.

Chapter 1 opens with Jeremiah's call to the prophecy, which is pretty standard. One day God tells him, "Before I formed you in the womb I chose you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations" (Jeremiah 1:4). God is always picking fetuses to do his dirty work. What a weird guy. Like a good, humble, god-fearing citizen Jeremiah tries to say that he's not good enough, but God insists and elaborates on his current quandary. He comes up with a great metaphor about a wife cheating on her husband. Israel, he says, "[has] been unfaithful with many lovers...and yet [it] would come back to me?" (Jeremiah 3:1). Well, maybe Israel thought you guys were on a break.

That's it for today. Jeremiah is pretty long, but we only have sixteen or so books left of the Old Testament, and they all get progressively shorter! Hang in there, guys. We've got about two weeks left of this, and then we get to learn all about JESUS!!!