Good morning, and happy Sunday. If you don't mind, I would like to take a moment to reflect on some sad events in my own life before beginning today's entry, and perhaps raise some discussion questions. Today, I am distressed to say, is an hour of solemn mourning for all of Giants Nation, because our noble and valiant baseball team has fallen from contention. We will not be making the playoffs.
Why, you may be asking, do I have the gall to bring up this completely unrelated event instead of doing my job and talking about the bible? Well, this tragic circumstance got me thinking. It is so easy for those of us who consider ourselves atheists, agnostic, or otherwise rational thinkers to pass harsh judgment on people with religious convictions. We examine this text and see the contradictions, the absurdities, and we scoff at them. But today I wonder, how different are we? After all, I believed passionately that this moribund and hapless group of ball players might string together enough wins to capture their division and defend their World Series Championship -- even as evidence repeatedly showed me it was not to be. I think that everyone must hold some sort of bizarre and nonsensical conviction that gives them comfort and helps them sleep at night. As long as these beliefs don't hurt anyone, I don't see a problem with it -- that's to say, Christians should refrain from starting Holy Wars, and I will refrain from hitting Dodgers fans on the head with a baseball bat.
With that being said, I'd like to pose the question: what do you believe in? Leave a comment and tell us about it! Is it crazy? That's okay. Don't worry about it. We still like you.
Onto the bible! Today's reading was somewhat uneventful, which makes me feel a little better about taking that self-indulgent prelude. In chapter 34, Moses explains the boundaries of the promised land, and gives instructions on how to take it. He picks a leader from each tribe who is to be in charge of assigning the territory, since God has decreed that Moses himself must die before the group enters Canaan.
Chapter 35 gives us some weird murder laws. Basically, certain murders -- like striking someone with iron or a "wooden thing" (Numbers 35:18) -- are immediately punishable by death, whereas more subjective deaths are subject to greater scrutiny. However, instead of a typical trial as we westernized readers might expect, the killer is instead instructed to go to a "city of refuge", where he will live until the high priest dies and is replaced. Then he's free to go. Um... Okay!
God wraps this section up by declaring to the people, "You must not defile your land by bloodshed. Blood defiles the land; no expiation can be made on behalf of the land for blood shed on it, except by the blood of him who shed it" (Numbers 35:33). Cool! Makes perfect sense! Since killing defiles the land, we should solve this problem by killing killers!
Chapter 37 concerns our gang of well-named heiress sisters from yesterday's reading: Mahlah, Tirzah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Noah. Everyone is nervous about them inheriting money, being women and all, so it is decreed that any woman who inherits money from a dead relative must marry within her tribe, so that inheritance cannot pass between the tribes. The girls oblige and all marry their cousins.
And thus ends the book of Numbers! Before we embark on Deuteronomy I will provide the cursory etymology. The word Deuteronomy means "second law" and apparently we should expect to see repetition of much of the legislation from Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers. Oh boy. Legislation is so fun, especially legislation we've already read. The majority of Deuteronomy is a series of first-person discourses that Moses makes to the people before his death.
Moses kicks off his first sermon by providing a lengthy and rather revisionist recap of the forty years spent in the wilderness; for instance, when he discusses the disloyal scouts he claims that the Israelites insisted upon sending them, rather than God. He also describes an event where the Israelites ignore God's command that they refrain from fighting the Amorites, who subsequently "[come] out against [them] and [swarm] after [them] like bees" (Deut 1:44). My bible's footnotes don't draw any attention to this, which makes me wonder... Did I miss something? I totally don't remember this happening!
Chapters 2 and 3 continue the summary, which I won't delve into because we've already read the books being discussed. Who wants to read a summary of a summary? I will say that I felt a little bad for Moses when he got to the part of the story where he appoints Joshua as his successor. He relates a conversation he had with God, where he pleaded, "Let me cross over, I beg, and see that good land which lies on the other side of the Jordan, and the fine hill-country and the Lebanon" (Deut 3:25). But God refuses his request, saying that he should instead "go to the top of Pisgah and look west and north, south and east; look well at what you see, for you will not cross this river Jordan" (Deut 3:27). Poor guy! He worked so hard on behalf of the whiny Israelites, and now he doesn't even get to see the fruit of his labor.
Chapter 4 emphasizes the importance of following the covenant once the Israelites are settled in Canaan, especially the part about worshiping only one God, and not making idols. I have to say, the Jewish rejection of idols is actually pretty cool and interesting; the ancient Greeks were intrigued by it, and during the period of Hellenization would send philosophers into Palestine to observe the Jewish customs. While most Near Eastern temples during this period would contain a sacrificial room with an idol of the group's god, the Jewish temple featured an empty room for sacrifices. Their devotion to an abstract and intangible God is quite unique.
Chapter 5 repeats the Ten Commandments, and chapter 6 is simply an "elaboration" on the first of these laws -- to "love [God] and keep [his] commandments" (Deut 5:10).
Chapter 7, today's final chapter, concerns the dislodged groups throughout Canaan: the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites. God tells the Israelites to treat them mercilessly; they must "pull down their altars, break their sacred pillars, hack down their sacred poles, and burn their idols" (Deut 7:5). Wow! What a jerk! I still don't get why God has a "chosen people" who gets all these special privileges, especially when the Jews are so whiny. What on earth makes him like them so much?
God goes on to say that if the Israelites follow the covenant, they will be exceedingly prosperous. Among other things, God promises, "Neither among your people nor among your cattle will their be an impotent male or a barren female [and] the Lord will keep you free from all sickness" (Deut 7:14-15). I wonder what pious Jews of later times would think when they got a cold, or when their cow had a miscarriage! That they had inadvertently defied God and were being punished?
The chapter ends with a repetition of the importance to worship only one God and to not make idols. Apparently we should remember this one! Or maybe we should forget it so that it doesn't seem redundant and annoying when it pops up every other sentence.
That's about all for today. Not the most interesting of readings, but better days will come!
Showing posts with label Numbers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Numbers. Show all posts
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Day 14, Numbers 24-33
First off, I would like to preface this entry by saying that this blog now has a facebook page! Here is the link, go become a fan. You can also follow me on twitter, @Biblein3Months, although I forewarn you I have no idea how to use twitter. Let's make this blog go viral like that video of Rebecca Black, because you know, it's the bible, bible, gotta get down and read the biiiiiiiible.
I am very excited to discuss today's reading because it was really top notch. As you may recall, we left with Balaam, the Moabite curser, preparing a sacrifice so that he could bless the Israelites. In chapter 24 he proceeds with this, to the displeasure of the king, Balak. When confronted, Balaam explains that he cannot go against the will of God, and Balak -- though angry -- simply dismisses him, rather than killing him as I'd pretty much expected.
At this point the narrative shifts back to the Israelites, who are encamped in a Moabite city called Shittim. The name of this city clearly originates from August of 2010, when Tim Lincecum's fastball velocity dropped a good ten miles per hour and he posted the worst numbers of his career, causing Giants fans and Moabites alike to exclaim, in agony, "Shit, Tim!" Anyway, the Israelite men "[begin] to have intercourse with Moabite women, who [invite] them to the sacrifices offered to their gods" (Numbers 25:1-2). This lack of piety combined with sexual deviance really annoys God, who demands that all the tribe leaders be put to death along with those who violated the covenant with God by making sacrifices to idols.
And the trouble doesn't stop there! In fact, things are just getting started. According to the footnotes, the fact that these rebellions are occurring immediately after Balaam's blessing is supposed to be ironic, although I'm not sure that I buy that since I just read a book that talked about how irony and humor are Hellenistic literary innovations, unknown to the authors of the bible. Seriously. It's just funny by accident, if you can believe that.
After they get out of Moab, another Israelite "[brings] a Midianite woman into his family in open defiance of Moses and all the community of Israel" (Numbers 25:6). Apparently the fact that MOSES'S WIFE IS A MIDIANITE has been forgotten, since everyone gets really upset about this. The mishap culminates when "Phinehas son of Eleazar, son of Aaron the priest... [takes] a spear, and [goes] into the nuptial tent after the Israelite, where he transfix[es] the two of them, the Israelite and the woman, pinning them together" (Numbers 25:7-8). Wow! That's pretty grotesque! God is satisfied with this effort and brings an end to a previously unmentioned plague, which had killed twenty-four thousand Jews. He promises Phinehas that he and all his descendants will be in the priestly family -- even though they were already in the priestly family because of their direct relation to Aaron -- and tells the Israelites to "make the Midianites suffer as they made you suffer with their wiles, and strike them down" (Numbers 25:17). Well, okay. Whatever you say, God.
In chapter 26, Moses takes another census. Since chapters like this are pretty irredeemably boring, I took it upon myself to find all the funniest names to share with you. From the Gadites we have Haggi and A-Rod (before he was a Yankee, obviously). From the Benjaminites we have Shupham and Hupham. Among the Josephites we have a family of five daughters: Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah. First of all, isn't Noah a boy name?! And second of all... why do none of these names crop up again? Why is every Jewish kid named Sarah or Rebecca or Jacob or David? We need more Shuphams in the world.
Chapter 27 outlines the procedure for how property should be passed down if a man dies and has no sons. The aforementioned Josephite daughters find themselves in this very predicament after the death of their father, and petition Moses to inherit his property. For the first time in the whole stinkin' bible we get some legislation that gives a little support to us women: God decrees that if a man has no sons, his land should go to his daughters; if he has no daughters it should go to his brothers, then his father's brothers, and if all else fails, any surviving relative.
At the end of this chapter God tells Moses that his time has come to die, not because he's over one hundred years old but because "you and Aaron disobeyed my command when the community disputed with me in the wilderness of Zin" (Numbers 27:13). In case you forgot, this was the instance where Moses made water appear out of a rock and really pissed God off for no discernible reason. God instructs Moses to go up on Mount Abarim and "view the land which I have given to the Israelites" (Numbers 27:12), and selects Joshua, one of the two scouts who remained loyal to him, to be Moses's successor.
Chapters 28 and 29 give us more instructions (or rather, repeat the same instructions) about community offerings and holy days. Chapter 30 teaches us about making vows, and unfortunately the feminist gains we made in chapter 27 are not echoed here; a man's vow is always binding, but a woman's vow can be vetoed by her husband or father.
Chapter 31 resumes the story, and the tribes set forth to "exact vengeance for Israel on the Midianites" (Numbers 31:2). The eligible soldiers go into the land and kill every adult male, including Balaam, the Moabite curser who blessed the Jewish people. What was he doing in Midian and why did they kill him?! What the fuck, man!
Despite their most violent efforts, Moses is unsatisfied with the soldiers, asking, "Have you spared the women?... Remember, it was they who, on Balaam's departure, set about seducing the Israelites into disloyalty to the Lord in the affair at Peor, so that the plague struck the community of the Lord" (Numbers 31:15-16). He instructs the soldiers to "kill every male child, and kill every woman who has had intercourse with a man" (Numbers 31:17). So much for "thou shalt not kill", huh! I am also seriously wondering where Zipporah, Moses's Midianite wife, was during all of this.
The end of chapter 31 talks about the cleansing rituals in which the Jews partake after all of this bloodshed, and a post-battle census is conducted. Interestingly, the taking of a census is offensive to God, and he requires "expiation" or payment whenever one is made. This is a little weird since on several occassions he has actually requested for a census to be taken, but still wants payment! What a jerk!
In chapter 32 the tribes arrive at the lands of Jazer and Gilead, to the east of the Jordan River. The Gadites, Reubenites, and some of the tribe of Manasseh really like this land, so Moses agrees that as long as they accompany the rest of the tribes to help everyone settle and kill all the Canaanites and so on, they will be allowed to live there.
Finally, the reading wraps up with a thrilling summary of the Israelites's journey thus far. After their completed travel itinerary is laid out, they set up camp and prepare to enter Canaan! Wow!
Tomorrow will bring us to the end of Numbers and into Deuteronomy, the last book of the Torah. What an accomplishment! Anyone who has been reading along with me, give yourselves a pat on the back. We've made it two weeks! Ten more to go!
I am very excited to discuss today's reading because it was really top notch. As you may recall, we left with Balaam, the Moabite curser, preparing a sacrifice so that he could bless the Israelites. In chapter 24 he proceeds with this, to the displeasure of the king, Balak. When confronted, Balaam explains that he cannot go against the will of God, and Balak -- though angry -- simply dismisses him, rather than killing him as I'd pretty much expected.
At this point the narrative shifts back to the Israelites, who are encamped in a Moabite city called Shittim. The name of this city clearly originates from August of 2010, when Tim Lincecum's fastball velocity dropped a good ten miles per hour and he posted the worst numbers of his career, causing Giants fans and Moabites alike to exclaim, in agony, "Shit, Tim!" Anyway, the Israelite men "[begin] to have intercourse with Moabite women, who [invite] them to the sacrifices offered to their gods" (Numbers 25:1-2). This lack of piety combined with sexual deviance really annoys God, who demands that all the tribe leaders be put to death along with those who violated the covenant with God by making sacrifices to idols.
And the trouble doesn't stop there! In fact, things are just getting started. According to the footnotes, the fact that these rebellions are occurring immediately after Balaam's blessing is supposed to be ironic, although I'm not sure that I buy that since I just read a book that talked about how irony and humor are Hellenistic literary innovations, unknown to the authors of the bible. Seriously. It's just funny by accident, if you can believe that.
After they get out of Moab, another Israelite "[brings] a Midianite woman into his family in open defiance of Moses and all the community of Israel" (Numbers 25:6). Apparently the fact that MOSES'S WIFE IS A MIDIANITE has been forgotten, since everyone gets really upset about this. The mishap culminates when "Phinehas son of Eleazar, son of Aaron the priest... [takes] a spear, and [goes] into the nuptial tent after the Israelite, where he transfix[es] the two of them, the Israelite and the woman, pinning them together" (Numbers 25:7-8). Wow! That's pretty grotesque! God is satisfied with this effort and brings an end to a previously unmentioned plague, which had killed twenty-four thousand Jews. He promises Phinehas that he and all his descendants will be in the priestly family -- even though they were already in the priestly family because of their direct relation to Aaron -- and tells the Israelites to "make the Midianites suffer as they made you suffer with their wiles, and strike them down" (Numbers 25:17). Well, okay. Whatever you say, God.
In chapter 26, Moses takes another census. Since chapters like this are pretty irredeemably boring, I took it upon myself to find all the funniest names to share with you. From the Gadites we have Haggi and A-Rod (before he was a Yankee, obviously). From the Benjaminites we have Shupham and Hupham. Among the Josephites we have a family of five daughters: Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah. First of all, isn't Noah a boy name?! And second of all... why do none of these names crop up again? Why is every Jewish kid named Sarah or Rebecca or Jacob or David? We need more Shuphams in the world.
Chapter 27 outlines the procedure for how property should be passed down if a man dies and has no sons. The aforementioned Josephite daughters find themselves in this very predicament after the death of their father, and petition Moses to inherit his property. For the first time in the whole stinkin' bible we get some legislation that gives a little support to us women: God decrees that if a man has no sons, his land should go to his daughters; if he has no daughters it should go to his brothers, then his father's brothers, and if all else fails, any surviving relative.
At the end of this chapter God tells Moses that his time has come to die, not because he's over one hundred years old but because "you and Aaron disobeyed my command when the community disputed with me in the wilderness of Zin" (Numbers 27:13). In case you forgot, this was the instance where Moses made water appear out of a rock and really pissed God off for no discernible reason. God instructs Moses to go up on Mount Abarim and "view the land which I have given to the Israelites" (Numbers 27:12), and selects Joshua, one of the two scouts who remained loyal to him, to be Moses's successor.
Chapters 28 and 29 give us more instructions (or rather, repeat the same instructions) about community offerings and holy days. Chapter 30 teaches us about making vows, and unfortunately the feminist gains we made in chapter 27 are not echoed here; a man's vow is always binding, but a woman's vow can be vetoed by her husband or father.
Chapter 31 resumes the story, and the tribes set forth to "exact vengeance for Israel on the Midianites" (Numbers 31:2). The eligible soldiers go into the land and kill every adult male, including Balaam, the Moabite curser who blessed the Jewish people. What was he doing in Midian and why did they kill him?! What the fuck, man!
Despite their most violent efforts, Moses is unsatisfied with the soldiers, asking, "Have you spared the women?... Remember, it was they who, on Balaam's departure, set about seducing the Israelites into disloyalty to the Lord in the affair at Peor, so that the plague struck the community of the Lord" (Numbers 31:15-16). He instructs the soldiers to "kill every male child, and kill every woman who has had intercourse with a man" (Numbers 31:17). So much for "thou shalt not kill", huh! I am also seriously wondering where Zipporah, Moses's Midianite wife, was during all of this.
The end of chapter 31 talks about the cleansing rituals in which the Jews partake after all of this bloodshed, and a post-battle census is conducted. Interestingly, the taking of a census is offensive to God, and he requires "expiation" or payment whenever one is made. This is a little weird since on several occassions he has actually requested for a census to be taken, but still wants payment! What a jerk!
In chapter 32 the tribes arrive at the lands of Jazer and Gilead, to the east of the Jordan River. The Gadites, Reubenites, and some of the tribe of Manasseh really like this land, so Moses agrees that as long as they accompany the rest of the tribes to help everyone settle and kill all the Canaanites and so on, they will be allowed to live there.
Finally, the reading wraps up with a thrilling summary of the Israelites's journey thus far. After their completed travel itinerary is laid out, they set up camp and prepare to enter Canaan! Wow!
Tomorrow will bring us to the end of Numbers and into Deuteronomy, the last book of the Torah. What an accomplishment! Anyone who has been reading along with me, give yourselves a pat on the back. We've made it two weeks! Ten more to go!
Friday, September 23, 2011
Day 13, Numbers 14-23
Sorry for posting so late! My challah-making extravaganza got a little crazy last night (I wish I was joking) and as a result I didn't get home until pretty late. I usually try to get started on a day's reading the night before, but yesterday I didn't have time, so this morning I had to go to class and power through nine chapters of Numbers, all on very little sleep. I am a little tired so I apologize if I'm not 100% on my game.
At the end of yesterday's reading, twelve scouts -- one from each tribe -- went into the promised land to scope things out. Their assessment of the area was mixed, with the majority claiming that the Israelites would be overpowered if they tried to settle there. Only Caleb, from the tribe of Judah, and Joshua, from the tribe of Ephraiam, think it's a good idea to try and proceed, but they are outnumbered.
The Israelites are super bummed about this and return to their favorite activity of bitching and complaining. In fact, some of them even discuss finding someone to lead them back to Egypt! Really guys?!! Are you kidding me?
Caleb and Joshua address the distressed crowds, proclaiming that the goodwill of God will allow the Israelites to enter the land unharmed, but the tribes just threaten to stone them to death. At this point, God gets pretty pissed off: "How much longer," he asks Moses, "will this people set me at naught? How much longer will they refuse to trust me in spite of all the signs I have shown among them?" (Numbers 14:11) Good fucking question, God! He is ready to throw in the towel with these whiny Israelites -- "strike them with pestilence [and]... deny them their heritage" (Numbers 14:12) -- but Moses talks him out of it by saying that all the Egyptians will gossip about him and say that he is an incompetent God who couldn't lead his people to the promised land and so on and so forth. God is pissed off but he doesn't want to lose face to Anubis and Horus and all those guys, so he makes a compromise. He won't abandon the people of Israel, per se, but he will punish them by denying them access to the promised land. Of the tribes he says, "Not one of you will enter the land which I swore with uplifted hand should be your home, except only Caleb son of Jephunneh and Joshua son of Nun. Your dependents, who, you said, would become the spoils of war, those dependents I shall bring into the land you have rejected, and they will enjoy it. But as for the rest of you, your bones will lie in this wilderness; your children will be wanderers in the wilderness forty years, paying the penalty of your wanton faithlessness till the last one of you dies there" (Numbers 14:30-33). Then he inflicts the ten unloyal scouts with a horrific plague, and they all die. The moral of this story, obviously, is to STOP FUCKING WITH GOD AND TRUST HIM BECAUSE HE'S OBVIOUSLY SUPER POWERFUL, but no one really gets the point. As our story continues, the Israelites will continue to be whiny bitches.
Chapter 15 is mostly just rules about making offerings to God, which seem pointless because all these people are so ungrateful that I don't see any conceivable way they'd make an offering to anyone. It is pretty boring for the most part, but there is a charming cautionary tale about what happens to people who don't follow the rules. One day, an unnamed man decides to gather some sticks on the sabbath. He is taken into custody and eventually stoned to death for his transgression! Apparently God takes relaxation pretty seriously.
Chapter 16 is pretty fun because it involves God setting everyone on fire again. Basically this guy named Korah, from the Levite tribe, gets mad that Moses and Aaron have so much authority and incites a little rebellion of about 250 people. Moses tells them to present incense to God, who will then "declare who is his, who is holy and who may present offerings to him" (Numbers 16:5). Apparently this type of offering is against the rules, and God totally doesn't dig it. He wants to kill everyone, but Moses -- ever the diplomat! -- talks him out of it. Moses instructs the people to stand away from the tents of Korah and his two pals, Abiram and Dathan, and immediately "the ground beneath them split[s] apart... [and the earth] swallow[s] them and their homes" (Numbers 16:31). Then, as previously mentioned, God punishes the incense burners by setting them all on fire!
It only gets better. The next day God overhears the Israelites complaining about what a jerk he is for killing the rebels. God doesn't like when people talk smack about him, so he inflicts the Israelites with a plague that kills fourteen thousand of them! That's a lot of people!
I wonder when they'll catch on that they should probably go with whatever this God guy wants?
Chapter 17 is a short one. God tells Moses to collect a staff from the leader of each tribe and inscribe it with his name. Moses follows these instructions and leaves the staff in the Tent of Meeting; when he returns the next day, he discovers that Aaron's staff has sprouted almonds, which -- incidentally -- are delicious. I found a machine in the mall that gives out chocolate covered almonds for a quarter! It was the best day ever!
Moses hangs up the staff as a symbol of God's power. You might think that the Israelites would be psyched about this, but at this point, expecting any optimistic or positive response from them is really just wishful thinking. "This is the end of us!" they say to Moses. "We must perish, one and all!" (Numbers 17:12). Give it a rest, guys! Stop being such Debbie Downers!
Chapter 18 concerns priestly duties, which we've heard about a million times. I'm not going to go into detail because I'm crazy tired and it isn't actually interesting.
In chapter 19, we learn about how to do purity rituals after contact with corpses, which is useful information considering God just went batshit on the tribes and killed like fifteen thousand of them. You have to use the ashes of a red cow to make a weird purifying water and sprinkle it on people, basically. Good stuff.
Chapter 20 begins with Miriam's death and ends with Aaron's death, which is kind of a bummer because I liked them! That's to say, they didn't do a huge amount to make me hate them, like most of these assholes in the bible.
In between these two sad events, the Israelites continue to complain, this time about the lack of water. Moses uses his staff to make water come out of a rock, which makes God mad for reasons that I am completely unable to identify. According to the footnotes, the reason is unclear, but "may have been because Moses, by acting himself, high-handedly, thereby impedes a miracle dependent on divine grace." My personal interpretation is that everyone in this story is just irritable and bitchy all the time because it's so sandy and hot in the Middle East. Also, they wanted Gatorade, not water!
The tribes progress to Edom -- which, I must remind you, is the land founded by descendants of Esau, the only biblical figure thus far to show true moral fiber and strength of character! However, his progeny have fallen into the "irritable and bitchy" typography that we see so often, and they refuse to let the Jews continue through their land. Soon after this, Aaron dies, and these two unfortunate incidents combine to make the Israelites raise another stink. Once again they ask Moses why he brought them out of Egypt, saying that they "are heartily sick of this miserable fare" (Numbers 21:5). This time, God does not appease the people at all, and simply sends poisonous snakes to attack them. Moses has to use his diplomat skills again to get God to relent, and the tribes keep on keeping on. As they journey, they manage to defeat the Canaanites and the Amorites, and by chapter 22 they arrive in Moab. The king, whose name is Balak, becomes understandably nervous for his nation, having seen the fate of the neighboring regions. He calls upon Balaam, a professional curser, to take care of the Israelites. Balaam, however, consorts with God before making any rash moves, and is told not to curse the Jews. He relates this message to Balak, who continues to pester him, and eventually God gives him permission to accompany the Moabite chiefs.
Balaam saddles his trusty donkey and sets off towards some desert vista for his rendezvous, but on the way God gets mad (even though he JUST TOLD BALAAM TO GO) and sends an angel to block Balaam's path. The donkey is able to see the angel but Balaam cannot, so he gets really pissed off when his donkey refuses to advance down the road. He beats the crap out of her with his whip and his staff, making the people at PETA writhe uncomfortably in their seats, and after a few moments of this, God gives the donkey a voice. Balaam and the donkey argue a little bit about who is being unreasonable, and then suddenly "the Lord open[s] Balaam's eyes [and] he sees the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn" (Numbers 22:31). He is super apologetic even though the whole incident was totally just another case of God fucking with people, as he is wont to do.
In chapter 23 Balaam meets up with Balak, who is annoyed at his lateness but nonetheless excited to perform the curse. However, Balaam goes off to converse with God and once again receives the message that he should not curse the Israelites. Balak thinks location is the issue and drags Balaam from vista to vista, saying that "perhaps God will be pleased to let you curse them for me there" (23:27). But despite his bouts of divine wrath, God is loyal to the tribes, and will not let Balaam curse them. Chapter 23 ends rather abruptly, with Balaam preparing his sacrifices in the third location, preparing to address God again. I guess this abrupt ending makes it kind of a cliffhanger, huh?
Next time on the Bible: will Balak succeed in cursing the Israelites? Will God light more people on fire? Will Ross and Rachel get back together? Tune in next time to find out!
At the end of yesterday's reading, twelve scouts -- one from each tribe -- went into the promised land to scope things out. Their assessment of the area was mixed, with the majority claiming that the Israelites would be overpowered if they tried to settle there. Only Caleb, from the tribe of Judah, and Joshua, from the tribe of Ephraiam, think it's a good idea to try and proceed, but they are outnumbered.
The Israelites are super bummed about this and return to their favorite activity of bitching and complaining. In fact, some of them even discuss finding someone to lead them back to Egypt! Really guys?!! Are you kidding me?
Caleb and Joshua address the distressed crowds, proclaiming that the goodwill of God will allow the Israelites to enter the land unharmed, but the tribes just threaten to stone them to death. At this point, God gets pretty pissed off: "How much longer," he asks Moses, "will this people set me at naught? How much longer will they refuse to trust me in spite of all the signs I have shown among them?" (Numbers 14:11) Good fucking question, God! He is ready to throw in the towel with these whiny Israelites -- "strike them with pestilence [and]... deny them their heritage" (Numbers 14:12) -- but Moses talks him out of it by saying that all the Egyptians will gossip about him and say that he is an incompetent God who couldn't lead his people to the promised land and so on and so forth. God is pissed off but he doesn't want to lose face to Anubis and Horus and all those guys, so he makes a compromise. He won't abandon the people of Israel, per se, but he will punish them by denying them access to the promised land. Of the tribes he says, "Not one of you will enter the land which I swore with uplifted hand should be your home, except only Caleb son of Jephunneh and Joshua son of Nun. Your dependents, who, you said, would become the spoils of war, those dependents I shall bring into the land you have rejected, and they will enjoy it. But as for the rest of you, your bones will lie in this wilderness; your children will be wanderers in the wilderness forty years, paying the penalty of your wanton faithlessness till the last one of you dies there" (Numbers 14:30-33). Then he inflicts the ten unloyal scouts with a horrific plague, and they all die. The moral of this story, obviously, is to STOP FUCKING WITH GOD AND TRUST HIM BECAUSE HE'S OBVIOUSLY SUPER POWERFUL, but no one really gets the point. As our story continues, the Israelites will continue to be whiny bitches.
Chapter 15 is mostly just rules about making offerings to God, which seem pointless because all these people are so ungrateful that I don't see any conceivable way they'd make an offering to anyone. It is pretty boring for the most part, but there is a charming cautionary tale about what happens to people who don't follow the rules. One day, an unnamed man decides to gather some sticks on the sabbath. He is taken into custody and eventually stoned to death for his transgression! Apparently God takes relaxation pretty seriously.
Chapter 16 is pretty fun because it involves God setting everyone on fire again. Basically this guy named Korah, from the Levite tribe, gets mad that Moses and Aaron have so much authority and incites a little rebellion of about 250 people. Moses tells them to present incense to God, who will then "declare who is his, who is holy and who may present offerings to him" (Numbers 16:5). Apparently this type of offering is against the rules, and God totally doesn't dig it. He wants to kill everyone, but Moses -- ever the diplomat! -- talks him out of it. Moses instructs the people to stand away from the tents of Korah and his two pals, Abiram and Dathan, and immediately "the ground beneath them split[s] apart... [and the earth] swallow[s] them and their homes" (Numbers 16:31). Then, as previously mentioned, God punishes the incense burners by setting them all on fire!
It only gets better. The next day God overhears the Israelites complaining about what a jerk he is for killing the rebels. God doesn't like when people talk smack about him, so he inflicts the Israelites with a plague that kills fourteen thousand of them! That's a lot of people!
I wonder when they'll catch on that they should probably go with whatever this God guy wants?
Chapter 17 is a short one. God tells Moses to collect a staff from the leader of each tribe and inscribe it with his name. Moses follows these instructions and leaves the staff in the Tent of Meeting; when he returns the next day, he discovers that Aaron's staff has sprouted almonds, which -- incidentally -- are delicious. I found a machine in the mall that gives out chocolate covered almonds for a quarter! It was the best day ever!
Moses hangs up the staff as a symbol of God's power. You might think that the Israelites would be psyched about this, but at this point, expecting any optimistic or positive response from them is really just wishful thinking. "This is the end of us!" they say to Moses. "We must perish, one and all!" (Numbers 17:12). Give it a rest, guys! Stop being such Debbie Downers!
Chapter 18 concerns priestly duties, which we've heard about a million times. I'm not going to go into detail because I'm crazy tired and it isn't actually interesting.
In chapter 19, we learn about how to do purity rituals after contact with corpses, which is useful information considering God just went batshit on the tribes and killed like fifteen thousand of them. You have to use the ashes of a red cow to make a weird purifying water and sprinkle it on people, basically. Good stuff.
Chapter 20 begins with Miriam's death and ends with Aaron's death, which is kind of a bummer because I liked them! That's to say, they didn't do a huge amount to make me hate them, like most of these assholes in the bible.
In between these two sad events, the Israelites continue to complain, this time about the lack of water. Moses uses his staff to make water come out of a rock, which makes God mad for reasons that I am completely unable to identify. According to the footnotes, the reason is unclear, but "may have been because Moses, by acting himself, high-handedly, thereby impedes a miracle dependent on divine grace." My personal interpretation is that everyone in this story is just irritable and bitchy all the time because it's so sandy and hot in the Middle East. Also, they wanted Gatorade, not water!
The tribes progress to Edom -- which, I must remind you, is the land founded by descendants of Esau, the only biblical figure thus far to show true moral fiber and strength of character! However, his progeny have fallen into the "irritable and bitchy" typography that we see so often, and they refuse to let the Jews continue through their land. Soon after this, Aaron dies, and these two unfortunate incidents combine to make the Israelites raise another stink. Once again they ask Moses why he brought them out of Egypt, saying that they "are heartily sick of this miserable fare" (Numbers 21:5). This time, God does not appease the people at all, and simply sends poisonous snakes to attack them. Moses has to use his diplomat skills again to get God to relent, and the tribes keep on keeping on. As they journey, they manage to defeat the Canaanites and the Amorites, and by chapter 22 they arrive in Moab. The king, whose name is Balak, becomes understandably nervous for his nation, having seen the fate of the neighboring regions. He calls upon Balaam, a professional curser, to take care of the Israelites. Balaam, however, consorts with God before making any rash moves, and is told not to curse the Jews. He relates this message to Balak, who continues to pester him, and eventually God gives him permission to accompany the Moabite chiefs.
Balaam saddles his trusty donkey and sets off towards some desert vista for his rendezvous, but on the way God gets mad (even though he JUST TOLD BALAAM TO GO) and sends an angel to block Balaam's path. The donkey is able to see the angel but Balaam cannot, so he gets really pissed off when his donkey refuses to advance down the road. He beats the crap out of her with his whip and his staff, making the people at PETA writhe uncomfortably in their seats, and after a few moments of this, God gives the donkey a voice. Balaam and the donkey argue a little bit about who is being unreasonable, and then suddenly "the Lord open[s] Balaam's eyes [and] he sees the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn" (Numbers 22:31). He is super apologetic even though the whole incident was totally just another case of God fucking with people, as he is wont to do.
In chapter 23 Balaam meets up with Balak, who is annoyed at his lateness but nonetheless excited to perform the curse. However, Balaam goes off to converse with God and once again receives the message that he should not curse the Israelites. Balak thinks location is the issue and drags Balaam from vista to vista, saying that "perhaps God will be pleased to let you curse them for me there" (23:27). But despite his bouts of divine wrath, God is loyal to the tribes, and will not let Balaam curse them. Chapter 23 ends rather abruptly, with Balaam preparing his sacrifices in the third location, preparing to address God again. I guess this abrupt ending makes it kind of a cliffhanger, huh?
Next time on the Bible: will Balak succeed in cursing the Israelites? Will God light more people on fire? Will Ross and Rachel get back together? Tune in next time to find out!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Day 12, Numbers 5-13
Hello, humble readership. Today we will continue to make progress through Numbers, and I am delighted to say that midway through today's reading our narrative from Exodus returns; the Israelites finally leave Mount Sinai and head off towards the promised land. Hooray for progress! However, it must be noted that this does not happen until chapter 9, so we still have a fair bit of law to discuss before we plunge back into storytime.
Chapter 5 opens with a discussion of SKIN PROBLEMS, which is great because I don't think we've heard anything about those yet. Give it a rest, God. We know that you don't want acne'd people in your camp, WE'RE TAKING CARE OF IT. God also explains how to atone for sin if you accidentally wrong a fellow Jew -- you have to pay money and make a sacrifice, yada yada yada. You can imagine.
This chapter also deals with adultery, which is kind of fun! If a woman cheats on her husband, and he suspects her, he has to bring her to the high priest, who performs a ritual. Basically if the woman is guilty she will have a "miscarriage and untimely birth" (Numbers 5:22) but if she is innocent, her pregnancy will progress normally. I guess in order to be accused of cheating you have to be pregnant. I also think this is a pretty funny custom because obviously having a miscarriage has nothing to do with your moral standing and I bet a lot of people got arbitrarily fucked over/let off the hook by this tradition! By the way, the miscarriage itself is punishment for adultery; no one gets stoned to death or anything.
Chapter 6 explains how to become a Nazirite, which is like a sacred person who makes an oath with God... or something... There are a lot of weird rules for prospective Nazirites to obey, like abstaining from alcohol, leaving hair uncut, and avoiding corpses. In fact, "if someone suddenly falls dead by [a prospective Nazirite's] side, touching him and thereby making his hair, which has been dedicated, ritually unclean, he must shave his head on the day when he becomes clean; he shall shave it on the seventh day" (Numbers 6:9). The prospective Nazirite then has to restart his oath from the beginning, which is inconvenient because the process is a lengthy one. Man! Don't you hate it when someone drops dead next to you and in their last fleeting moments of life has the nerve to touch and defile your hair? It's just so rude!
In chapter 7 the tabernacle is set up (hasn't this happened like ten times already?) and we get to hear a long, drawn out description of what every tribe sacrifices to God. Each tribe presents their offering on a different day, with the Levites going last in chapter 8, because they are the priestly tribe and have a lot of special additional rules to follow.
In chapter 9, God explains what to do if you are unclean on the day of Passover (celebrate it anyway and then make a sacrifice a month later to atone) and then OUR STORY PICKS UP AGAIN! God, in magical cloud form, enters the tabernacle and guides the tribes away from Sinai towards Edom.
God kicks off chapter 10 by explaining a really complicated system of organizing people through the use of trumpets. One blast indicates that the tribes living to the east of the tabernacle are supposed to move, two blasts for the people encamped to the south, etc, etc. I think the Jews just wanted an excuse for some jazzy interludes to their journey. God also lets Moses know that "when you go into battle against an invader and are hard pressed by him, sound a fanfare on the trumpets, and this will serve as a reminder of you before the Lord your God and you will be delivered from your enemies" (Numbers 10:9). In other words, "I'm mostly paying attention to you but sometimes I get bored and click the superspeed button and go downstairs to make a sandwich, so just blow your horn in case I space out." I understand, God. I play the Sims too.
Moses also convinces his brother-in-law, Hobab the Midianite, to come along and guide them -- because apparently Magical Cloud Tabernacle God isn't good enough?! I haven't talked at all about Moses's in-laws, but this is the third time they've appeared: the first time, his father-in-law was named Reuel, then his name was changed to Jethro. In this chapter, he is named Reuel again.
Chapter 11 opens with the Israelites resuming their status as LITTLE BITCHES!!! As soon as the journey begins they start complaining, which causes God to set them all on fire. Classic Sims move. I know how you're feeling, God.
I imagine the incident looked something like this:
Even after this incident, the tribes continue to whine and complain: "Remember how in Egypt we had fish for the asking, cucumbers and water-melons, leeks and onions and garlic. Now our appetite is gone; wherever we look there is nothing except this manna" (Numbers 11:5-6). Okay. First off, way to fuel the whole "slaves eating watermelon" stereotype, you racist assholes. Secondly, IN EGYPT YOU WERE ENSLAVED! NOW YOU'RE FREE! SHUT UP!!
Moses is pretty incredulous about how goddamn ungrateful everyone is, and petitions God: "This people is a burden too heavy for me; I cannot carry it alone. If that is your purpose for me, then kill me outright: if I have found favor with you, spare me this trouble afflicting me" (Numbers 11:14-15). God decides to appease the people and makes a ton of quails appear for them to eat, but at the last minute he is struck with divine wrath and decides to inflict the quail-eaters with "a severe plague" (Numbers 11:33). Kind of a jerk move, but this time I think the Israelites may have had it coming.
He also honors Moses's request and allows a council of seventy elders to assist him. They all go into the Tent of Meeting, where they are "seized by prophetic ecstasy" (11:25). Two of them, named Eldad and Medad, don't go to the tent but are nonetheless seized by this prophetic ecstasy in public! I can't decide if this is supposed to be dirty or not, but God and Moses are chill about it.
In chapter 12, Miriam and Aaron get super jel of Moses being the leader, even though they too have addressed God, and furthermore Moses is married to a Midianite rather than an Israelite, which is totally not cool. They gossip to each other about him, which the bible lets us know is inappropriate since Moses is "the most humble man on earth" (12:3). God overhears them and sends the trio to the Tent of Meeting, where he effectively tells Miriam and Aaron to STFU by inflicting Miriam with a horrific skin disease. Return of the skin disease! Luckily we are, at this point, VERY well-versed in what to do about this kind of scenario. Moses is alarmed and prays for God to spare his sister, and God tells him that Miriam must be "confined outside the camp for seven days and then be brought back" (Numbers 12:14). So all is resolved.
In chapter 13, the tribes reach Canaan and God instructs Moses to send a party into the land. He picks a representative from each tribe, who wander around for forty days picking fruit and scoping things out. When they return they report that Canaan is a lovely place, "flowing with milk and honey" (Numbers 13:27), but the people are abnormally large and frightening. Eleven of the twelve representatives say that the land cannot be conquered, but Caleb -- the representative from the tribe of Judah -- wants to give it a try.
The chapter ends with the representatives shooting him down and saying that while visiting the country they felt "no bigger than grasshoppers" (Numbers 13:33) and that "the country we explored...will swallow up any who go to live in it" (Numbers 13:32). I would venture that this hesitancy is not going to be rewarded! But we won't know for sure until tomorrow's reading.
See you then!
Chapter 5 opens with a discussion of SKIN PROBLEMS, which is great because I don't think we've heard anything about those yet. Give it a rest, God. We know that you don't want acne'd people in your camp, WE'RE TAKING CARE OF IT. God also explains how to atone for sin if you accidentally wrong a fellow Jew -- you have to pay money and make a sacrifice, yada yada yada. You can imagine.
This chapter also deals with adultery, which is kind of fun! If a woman cheats on her husband, and he suspects her, he has to bring her to the high priest, who performs a ritual. Basically if the woman is guilty she will have a "miscarriage and untimely birth" (Numbers 5:22) but if she is innocent, her pregnancy will progress normally. I guess in order to be accused of cheating you have to be pregnant. I also think this is a pretty funny custom because obviously having a miscarriage has nothing to do with your moral standing and I bet a lot of people got arbitrarily fucked over/let off the hook by this tradition! By the way, the miscarriage itself is punishment for adultery; no one gets stoned to death or anything.
Chapter 6 explains how to become a Nazirite, which is like a sacred person who makes an oath with God... or something... There are a lot of weird rules for prospective Nazirites to obey, like abstaining from alcohol, leaving hair uncut, and avoiding corpses. In fact, "if someone suddenly falls dead by [a prospective Nazirite's] side, touching him and thereby making his hair, which has been dedicated, ritually unclean, he must shave his head on the day when he becomes clean; he shall shave it on the seventh day" (Numbers 6:9). The prospective Nazirite then has to restart his oath from the beginning, which is inconvenient because the process is a lengthy one. Man! Don't you hate it when someone drops dead next to you and in their last fleeting moments of life has the nerve to touch and defile your hair? It's just so rude!
In chapter 7 the tabernacle is set up (hasn't this happened like ten times already?) and we get to hear a long, drawn out description of what every tribe sacrifices to God. Each tribe presents their offering on a different day, with the Levites going last in chapter 8, because they are the priestly tribe and have a lot of special additional rules to follow.
In chapter 9, God explains what to do if you are unclean on the day of Passover (celebrate it anyway and then make a sacrifice a month later to atone) and then OUR STORY PICKS UP AGAIN! God, in magical cloud form, enters the tabernacle and guides the tribes away from Sinai towards Edom.
God kicks off chapter 10 by explaining a really complicated system of organizing people through the use of trumpets. One blast indicates that the tribes living to the east of the tabernacle are supposed to move, two blasts for the people encamped to the south, etc, etc. I think the Jews just wanted an excuse for some jazzy interludes to their journey. God also lets Moses know that "when you go into battle against an invader and are hard pressed by him, sound a fanfare on the trumpets, and this will serve as a reminder of you before the Lord your God and you will be delivered from your enemies" (Numbers 10:9). In other words, "I'm mostly paying attention to you but sometimes I get bored and click the superspeed button and go downstairs to make a sandwich, so just blow your horn in case I space out." I understand, God. I play the Sims too.
Moses also convinces his brother-in-law, Hobab the Midianite, to come along and guide them -- because apparently Magical Cloud Tabernacle God isn't good enough?! I haven't talked at all about Moses's in-laws, but this is the third time they've appeared: the first time, his father-in-law was named Reuel, then his name was changed to Jethro. In this chapter, he is named Reuel again.
Chapter 11 opens with the Israelites resuming their status as LITTLE BITCHES!!! As soon as the journey begins they start complaining, which causes God to set them all on fire. Classic Sims move. I know how you're feeling, God.
I imagine the incident looked something like this:
Even after this incident, the tribes continue to whine and complain: "Remember how in Egypt we had fish for the asking, cucumbers and water-melons, leeks and onions and garlic. Now our appetite is gone; wherever we look there is nothing except this manna" (Numbers 11:5-6). Okay. First off, way to fuel the whole "slaves eating watermelon" stereotype, you racist assholes. Secondly, IN EGYPT YOU WERE ENSLAVED! NOW YOU'RE FREE! SHUT UP!!
Moses is pretty incredulous about how goddamn ungrateful everyone is, and petitions God: "This people is a burden too heavy for me; I cannot carry it alone. If that is your purpose for me, then kill me outright: if I have found favor with you, spare me this trouble afflicting me" (Numbers 11:14-15). God decides to appease the people and makes a ton of quails appear for them to eat, but at the last minute he is struck with divine wrath and decides to inflict the quail-eaters with "a severe plague" (Numbers 11:33). Kind of a jerk move, but this time I think the Israelites may have had it coming.
He also honors Moses's request and allows a council of seventy elders to assist him. They all go into the Tent of Meeting, where they are "seized by prophetic ecstasy" (11:25). Two of them, named Eldad and Medad, don't go to the tent but are nonetheless seized by this prophetic ecstasy in public! I can't decide if this is supposed to be dirty or not, but God and Moses are chill about it.
In chapter 12, Miriam and Aaron get super jel of Moses being the leader, even though they too have addressed God, and furthermore Moses is married to a Midianite rather than an Israelite, which is totally not cool. They gossip to each other about him, which the bible lets us know is inappropriate since Moses is "the most humble man on earth" (12:3). God overhears them and sends the trio to the Tent of Meeting, where he effectively tells Miriam and Aaron to STFU by inflicting Miriam with a horrific skin disease. Return of the skin disease! Luckily we are, at this point, VERY well-versed in what to do about this kind of scenario. Moses is alarmed and prays for God to spare his sister, and God tells him that Miriam must be "confined outside the camp for seven days and then be brought back" (Numbers 12:14). So all is resolved.
In chapter 13, the tribes reach Canaan and God instructs Moses to send a party into the land. He picks a representative from each tribe, who wander around for forty days picking fruit and scoping things out. When they return they report that Canaan is a lovely place, "flowing with milk and honey" (Numbers 13:27), but the people are abnormally large and frightening. Eleven of the twelve representatives say that the land cannot be conquered, but Caleb -- the representative from the tribe of Judah -- wants to give it a try.
The chapter ends with the representatives shooting him down and saying that while visiting the country they felt "no bigger than grasshoppers" (Numbers 13:33) and that "the country we explored...will swallow up any who go to live in it" (Numbers 13:32). I would venture that this hesitancy is not going to be rewarded! But we won't know for sure until tomorrow's reading.
See you then!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Day 11, Leviticus 24-27, Numbers 1-4
Good morning everyone! Today's reading takes us to the end of Leviticus and into Numbers, the fourth book of the Torah. From what I can tell, Numbers looks like it's going to be a little more story-oriented than Leviticus, which is always fun, although these laws have been a good time too.
We begin today with a description of how to clean the lamps in the tabernacle, and instructions for the priests to bake twelve loafs of bread every week for the Sabbath; this totally refers to CHALLAH, which I'm going to make tomorrow at KOSHER COOKING CLUB!!! Oh man. I am so excited.
After these rules we receive a fun little anecdote about a half-Israelite, half-Egyptian man living in the camp. One day he gets into a tussle with a full Israelite man and "[utters] the holy name in blasphemy" (Lev 24:11). Moses asks God what to do about this, and God responds that he should "let the whole community stone him to death" (Lev 24:15). Oh geez. That's a pretty big punishment for saying "gosh darnit."
At the end of this chapter, God lays out his handy philosophy of "fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth" (Lev 24:20). Thanks for that one, God! You're a natural diplomat!
Chapter 25 discusses a frequently reoccurring topic: the sabbath, and namely the sabbath for the land, which is excitingly called a jubilee. Just as the Israelites partake in the Sabbath on the seventh day of the week, and abstain from work, the land itself was to be given a sabbath every 7th year. God also explains a rather interesting custom of debt repayment called the Law of Redemption. When an Israelite sells or rents his land, it is not gone from his family permanently; every Jubilee year he is given the chance to buy it back. Likewise, Israelites are not to enslave each other permanently, but rather employ their countrymen as indentured servants until the Jubilee year. Real slaves, God explains, "should come from the nations around you" (Lev 25:44). This reaffirms the fact that the Torah doesn't really give a shit about slavery, just the enslavement of Jews!
Chapter 26 starts out really nice, with God explaining how he will always remain with the Israelites if they keep their covenant with him. At first I thought he was just being sweet, telling the people "I shall establish my Tabernacle among you and never spurn you. I shall be ever present among you; I shall become your God and you will become my people" (Lev 26:11-12). But after this short, loving segment, God reveals himself to be a SCARY MOTHERFUCKER by describing in much more detail what he will do to the Israelites if they don't keep the covenant. As much as I don't want to give you nightmares, I feel compelled to share a few lines: "Instead of meat," God warns, "You will eat your sons and your daughters" (Lev 26:29). He then describes how he will ravage the countryside, incite wars, and "shall make those of you who are left in the land of your enemies so fearful that, when a leaf rustles behind them in the wind, they will run as if it were a sword after them" (Lev 26:36). Wow. Jesus Christ! Don't piss God off, guys!
I personally think Leviticus could have ended here to great effect, but instead we get chapter 27, which is boring and talks about how to make vows. You have to pay a certain amount of silver for these vows depending on how old you are, and if you don't have the right number of shekels the priests will assess your wealth and decide what you have to pay. Okay. Cool. Time for Numbers!
As I did for Leviticus, I will provide a little background information on Numbers, courtesy of my study bible. Numbers tells the story of the Israelites' forty years spent in the wilderness before entering Canaan. The title Numbers came from Greek and Latin translations and was chosen because of the "various censuses and general arithmetical precision that characterize the work." This is true! I'm four chapters in and I'm already sick of all the counting.
Chapter 1 opens, fittingly, with God instructing Moses to make a census of all the men in each tribe who are over the age of twenty and capable of bearing arms. Turns out there are 603,550 people who meet these qualifications! The text tells us specifically how many come from each tribe: Judah is most populous, while Manasseh, the tribe of Joseph's older son, is least. I am forced to wonder how exactly Moses managed to conduct this census, given the absurd number of people. According to the footnotes, these numbers are perhaps real, preserved from a period after the exile when the Israelites were already settled in Canaan -- but there is no way that these were the actual numbers of Israelites wandering around in the desert, because the wilderness could not support so many people for so long. And of course, in making these observations I am already taking the leap of faith that at some point Israelites actually were actually exiled in the desert!
The Levites, FYI, are subject to a different census because of their distinction as priests. In chapter 2 they are counted, and we find that Aaron's tribe numbers 22,300 people. God explains how the Israelites should set up their camp, with the Levites centered around the Tabernacle. Wow. How very interesting.
True to the book's title, Numbers really is just counting so far. I was going to share some funny names of biblical characters (there's a guy named Mushi!!!! Hahahaha!!!) and make a Pokemon joke, but at this point it just seems really unnecessary. I will leave it here for today. In spite of its dull beginning, I think Numbers has some potential to be a funny and interesting book. Stay tuned.
We begin today with a description of how to clean the lamps in the tabernacle, and instructions for the priests to bake twelve loafs of bread every week for the Sabbath; this totally refers to CHALLAH, which I'm going to make tomorrow at KOSHER COOKING CLUB!!! Oh man. I am so excited.
After these rules we receive a fun little anecdote about a half-Israelite, half-Egyptian man living in the camp. One day he gets into a tussle with a full Israelite man and "[utters] the holy name in blasphemy" (Lev 24:11). Moses asks God what to do about this, and God responds that he should "let the whole community stone him to death" (Lev 24:15). Oh geez. That's a pretty big punishment for saying "gosh darnit."
At the end of this chapter, God lays out his handy philosophy of "fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth" (Lev 24:20). Thanks for that one, God! You're a natural diplomat!
Chapter 25 discusses a frequently reoccurring topic: the sabbath, and namely the sabbath for the land, which is excitingly called a jubilee. Just as the Israelites partake in the Sabbath on the seventh day of the week, and abstain from work, the land itself was to be given a sabbath every 7th year. God also explains a rather interesting custom of debt repayment called the Law of Redemption. When an Israelite sells or rents his land, it is not gone from his family permanently; every Jubilee year he is given the chance to buy it back. Likewise, Israelites are not to enslave each other permanently, but rather employ their countrymen as indentured servants until the Jubilee year. Real slaves, God explains, "should come from the nations around you" (Lev 25:44). This reaffirms the fact that the Torah doesn't really give a shit about slavery, just the enslavement of Jews!
Chapter 26 starts out really nice, with God explaining how he will always remain with the Israelites if they keep their covenant with him. At first I thought he was just being sweet, telling the people "I shall establish my Tabernacle among you and never spurn you. I shall be ever present among you; I shall become your God and you will become my people" (Lev 26:11-12). But after this short, loving segment, God reveals himself to be a SCARY MOTHERFUCKER by describing in much more detail what he will do to the Israelites if they don't keep the covenant. As much as I don't want to give you nightmares, I feel compelled to share a few lines: "Instead of meat," God warns, "You will eat your sons and your daughters" (Lev 26:29). He then describes how he will ravage the countryside, incite wars, and "shall make those of you who are left in the land of your enemies so fearful that, when a leaf rustles behind them in the wind, they will run as if it were a sword after them" (Lev 26:36). Wow. Jesus Christ! Don't piss God off, guys!
I personally think Leviticus could have ended here to great effect, but instead we get chapter 27, which is boring and talks about how to make vows. You have to pay a certain amount of silver for these vows depending on how old you are, and if you don't have the right number of shekels the priests will assess your wealth and decide what you have to pay. Okay. Cool. Time for Numbers!
As I did for Leviticus, I will provide a little background information on Numbers, courtesy of my study bible. Numbers tells the story of the Israelites' forty years spent in the wilderness before entering Canaan. The title Numbers came from Greek and Latin translations and was chosen because of the "various censuses and general arithmetical precision that characterize the work." This is true! I'm four chapters in and I'm already sick of all the counting.
Chapter 1 opens, fittingly, with God instructing Moses to make a census of all the men in each tribe who are over the age of twenty and capable of bearing arms. Turns out there are 603,550 people who meet these qualifications! The text tells us specifically how many come from each tribe: Judah is most populous, while Manasseh, the tribe of Joseph's older son, is least. I am forced to wonder how exactly Moses managed to conduct this census, given the absurd number of people. According to the footnotes, these numbers are perhaps real, preserved from a period after the exile when the Israelites were already settled in Canaan -- but there is no way that these were the actual numbers of Israelites wandering around in the desert, because the wilderness could not support so many people for so long. And of course, in making these observations I am already taking the leap of faith that at some point Israelites actually were actually exiled in the desert!
The Levites, FYI, are subject to a different census because of their distinction as priests. In chapter 2 they are counted, and we find that Aaron's tribe numbers 22,300 people. God explains how the Israelites should set up their camp, with the Levites centered around the Tabernacle. Wow. How very interesting.
True to the book's title, Numbers really is just counting so far. I was going to share some funny names of biblical characters (there's a guy named Mushi!!!! Hahahaha!!!) and make a Pokemon joke, but at this point it just seems really unnecessary. I will leave it here for today. In spite of its dull beginning, I think Numbers has some potential to be a funny and interesting book. Stay tuned.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)