Day 39, Ezra 7-10, Nehemiah 1-8

I know I said yesterday that I was looking forward to Ezra because I remembered him being cool, so I'm afraid I have to start this entry with some bad news: Ezra isn't cool. I just got him confused with Elijah and Elisha, who are awesome. All those 'E' names, you know. But that doesn't mean his book is bad! At least we're moving forward! I just watched the Friends episode where Ross has to talk to his girlfriend Mona about where their relationship is going, so I am aware that if you're not moving forward you're just standing still, and what good is standing still? No one is getting any younger! So in effect, if the bible were my boyfriend, it would be giving me the keys to its apartment right now. Moving forward. Yep.

In chapter 7, the Persian king Artaxerxes is moved by God to send Ezra on a voyage to Israel, where he is to serve as some sort of leader. How nice! Artaxerxes also gives him a bunch of gold and "salt without a set limit" (Ezra 7:22) which shows he's a truly decent fellow. As much salt as we want! Oh boy!

In chapter 8, we switch to a first-person narrative for the first time in the bible, which is kind of cool, I guess. It's different at least. Ezra gathers together a motley crew of fellow exiles to come along with him, and eventually arrives in Jerusalem where he presents his gifts to the priests.

Once he is settled in town, the priests inform Ezra that pretty much everyone has been very naughty and neglected to uphold the law against marrying foreign women. Ezra is immensely troubled by this and "pluck[s] tufts from [his] beard and the hair from [his] head and [sits] appalled...until the evening sacrifice" (Ezra 9:3-4). What a reaction! It seems to me that this Ezra is a bit of a drama queen, but maybe he was just really upset. The rest of chapter 9 comprises a desperate and deeply apologetic prayer he makes to God, begging the deity to forgive Israel.

Ezra's melancholy persists in chapter 10, where he locks himself up in a room and "[eats] no bread and [drinks] no water, for he [is] still mourning the unfaithfulness of the returned exiles" (Ezra 10:6). Give it a rest, Ez! After a substantial amount of moping, he gathers the people together in the pouring rain and instructs them that they all must divorce their foreign wives. However, divorce is a lengthy process in the ancient Near East, and some of the people question the logistics of it. Eventually a compromise is reached, and it is agreed that all the community leaders will divorce their foreign wives as a sort of symbol.

And that's Ezra's book! Gee whiz!

Nehemiah, as I mentioned before, is closely linked to Ezra and Chronicles and tells the story of a Jewish high official in the Persian court. Also, according to wikipedia, this book is the last historical narrative of the Hebrew bible. Oh my god. Does that mean we're just getting raunchy stories after this? Please tell me that's what it means.

Nehemiah is a pious chap, and when his brother tells him about an incident in Jerusalem at the start of chapter 1, he becomes distraught. He prays to God, and in chapter 2 requests that the Persian king permit him to return to his homeland: "How can I help looking unhappy," he says, "when the city where my forefathers are buried lies in ruins with its gates burnt down?" (Nehemiah 2:2). These Persians are apparently pretty nice people, since as with Ezra the king is very accommodating and sends Nehemiah on his way.

Once in Jerusalem, Nehemiah begins his efforts to rebuild the city wall, but encounters hostility from the non-Jews who live there. He tells off his critics by saying, "You have no stake, or claim, or traditional right in Jerusalem" (Nehemiah 2:20) which, as you can imagine, does little to endear him to his enemies.

In chapter 4 these enemies plot to attack, and Nehemiah is forced to reallocate his workers, assigning some people to serve as guards and some to build. It all sounds like a lot of work to me. I actually got kind of anxious reading it. Oh man.

Chapter 5 deviates a little from the storyline and presents a conflict between the rich and poor in the rebuilt city. When he is told that the Jewish aristocracy are oppressing the poor, Nehemiah cancels all debts. In other words, he is a SOCIALIST and probably an ARAB like Barack Obama. Nehemiah's middle name is Hussein. Just kidding. Nehemiah doesn't have a middle name, or a last name. He's like Lady Gaga in that way.

My notes on chapter 6 read "everyone fucks with Jews" which isn't very helpful. Everyone is always fucking with the Jews! What was I thinking writing that? Anyway, in this particular situation, a chap named Sanballat accuses Nehemiah of conspiring against the Persian king. Even some of his fellow Jews oppose him, but Nehemiah simply says "Haters gon' hate," and finishes rebuilding the wall. Good for him!

Chapter 7 is another delightful census. I'm actually pretty sure it's the same census from Ezra. Gotta love those! And fiiiiiiiiinally, in chapter 8, everyone has a big freaking party for the Feast of Booths. The festivities kick off with Ezra reading to everyone from the Torah, which FYI is always a great icebreaker at parties. They are so moved by the reading that they start crying, but he tells them to "feast yourselves on rich food and sweet drinks... [and] let there be no sadness" (Nehemiah 8:10). Oh boy! Sounds good to me! The people obey the instructions "because they had understood what had been explained to them" (Nehemiah 8:12). Well that's a good thing considering it was incredibly straightforward. I guess their oral comprehension is pretty decent!

That wraps things up for today. One fun thing I realized is that the Festival of Booths is actually Sukkot, one of the coolest Jew holidays, where you get to build tents out of palm leaves and stuff and live in them. Except in modern times you don't actually live in them because that would suck, you just play in them and eat a lot of food. Jewish holidays usually end in eating a lot of food. For all its flaws as a religion, at least we Jews have that!

Later gators.

Day 38, 2 Chronicles 33-36, Ezra 1-6

Before I begin the entry, let's collectively take a moment to appreciate the fact that CHRONICLES IS OVER! OUR STORY CAN ADVANCE!

Of course, we still have four chapters and some loose ends to tie up before we dive into the Babylonian exile. So let's waste no time!

Chapter 33 begins with the reign of Manassah, who -- if you remember from earlier -- is so atrociously bad as a king that he causes God to lose faith in Judah entirely. However, the Chronicler changes the story a little and has him repent at the end. After rebuilding the shrines and lighting his children on fire he gets taken captive in Assyria where he learns "that the Lord was God" (2 Chronicles 33:13). I guess one of the Assyrians lent him a thesaurus.

Manassah is followed by his son, Amon, who is actually even worse than him. He only reigns for two years, after which he is killed by his own courtiers! His eight-year-old son Josiah comes to power, and he is a pretty good king for an eight-year-old. Josiah destroys the rebuilt shrines and pleases God so much that he promises the monarch that Judah's destruction will not happen in his lifetime. Soon afterwards, Josiah meets a grisly end at the hands of the Pharaoh. Gee. That's great, God.

The final four kings are unremarkable fuck-ups, two of whom reign for less than a year. Their names are Jehoahaz, Jehoiakim, Jehoachin, and Zedekiah. I don't even know how to comment on that. Anyway, throughout the end of this tome the increasing foreign influence in Judah is clear, and at the very end the Babylonians triumph. They burn down the temple, kill a bunch of Jews, and send the survivors to be slaves in Babylon. It's not all bad, though! The second book of Chronicles actually ends on a bit of a cliff-hanger, with the Persian king, Cyrus, telling the Jews to return and rebuild their temple after many years of exile.

What will happen next?!! Stay tuned to find out.

The Book of Ezra is closely linked to both Chronicles and Nehemiah, and tells the story of the Judahites return to the promised land after their exile. Apparently this particular tome is infamous for its historical inconsistency, but it doesn't really matter because it's not like anyone takes the bible seriously these days! I mean, it's not like people still use these books to make moral decisions and write laws, or believe them word for word? Am I right? Of course I'm right. That'd be silly.

Also, Ezra himself doesn't make an appearance until chapter 7. Today's reading concerned the return to the promised land under the leadership of a fellow named Sheshbazzar.

In chapter 1, the haggard exiles make their way back to Judah. Chapter 2 is a census, meaning we get to read all their names and how many of them there are, which never ceases to be a delight. According to this source, forty-two thousand Jews return. That is a pretty diminished population, compared to earlier censuses! Wow.

In chapter 3 the Jews begin to rebuild their temple on the old site, but in chapter 4 they encounter some hostility from the locals, who apparently want to help. This is totally not okay and the Jews say so, but the new inhabitants are so pissed that they bribe the court officials to "thwart the purpose of the Jews" (Ezra 4:5). So the temple-building is halted for a considerable period of time.

After a few Persian kings come and go, a local official goes to ask the Jews on what basis they think they are supposed to be rebuilding the temple. They tell the official about the decree from King Cyrus and he writes a letter to the current king, Darius. Incidentally, isn't Darius the name of the kid with headgear in As Told by Ginger? What a name!

Darius goes to the archive and, upon finding the decree, grants the Jews complete freedom to continue rebuilding. In fact, he says that anyone who "tampers with this edict will have a beam torn out of his house, and he will be fastened erect to it and flogged" (Ezra 6:11). Talk about supportive! What an accommodating guy!

That's it for today. Tomorrow, Ezra will actually make an appearance, which I'm excited for because I remember learning about him in Hebrew School and liking him. Or maybe I didn't learn about him, and just like the name Ezra. I really don't know. You don't know. But we both will tomorrow!