Day 79, John 16-21, Acts 1-5

Today we finish John and begin Acts, which is short for Acts of the Apostles. I've gotta say, I miss Jesus already. Once he died, it seems like the whole thing just got sort of cult-like and weird.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves! We've still got five chapters of John to discuss. Yesterday, we left our messianic pal in the middle of the Last Supper. The meal continues, with Jesus talking to the apostles about his upcoming resurrection: "Truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to joy" (John 16:20). Well, that's good to know, because this whole thing has me a little bummed out.

In chapter 17 Jesus prays to God to guide the apostles after he dies, and then in chapter 18 we have the BETRAYAL. It plays out a little differently in John; Judas doesn't kiss Jesus to identify him, but instead just leads the authorities to where he is. Jesus approaches them and asks who they're looking for, and when they answer that they're looking for him, he goes with them willingly. Peter, meanwhile, doesn't take things so calmly and cuts off a soldier's ear. The soldier in question is identified as Malchus, and Jesus gets super pissed about it, asking, "Shall I not drink the cup that the Father has given me?" (John 18:11).

Get with the freakin' program, Peter!!

They bring Jesus to the high priests, Annas and Caiaphas, with whom he is super snarky. They ask what he has been teaching about and he's like, "I DUNNO, WHY DON'T YOU ASK ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WERE AT MY SERMONS?" The high priests, who don't appreciate his cheek, smack him around a little bit and then send him to Pilate.

Pilate has always been pretty DGAF (that means "don't give a fuck" for those of you who aren't quite as savvy as me) but in John it shines through especially. He really wants nothing to do with the affair and tells the priests to deal with it themselves, but they insist that he has to intervene because they don't have the authority to put anyone to death.

The Roman governor consents to question Jesus, and their conversation is pretty awesome. Pilate makes it clear that he doesn't particularly care about the ordeal, asking Jesus, "Am I a Jew? Your own nation and the chief priests have delivered you over to me. What have you done?" (John 18:25). Jesus responds that he has a kingdom, but it is "not of this world" and that he has come "to bear witness to the truth" (John 18:26-27). Pilate asks simply, "What is truth?" (John 18:28).

WHOA!! I DUNNO MAN! THIS IS PRETTY WILD!!

Overall Pilate decides that Jesus has done nothing wrong and tries to get him off the hook, but Jesus refuses to answer any questions. Pilate grows aggravated, asking Jesus if he understands that his life is in Pilate's hands. Showcasing his TREMENDOUS TACT (not really), Jesus says, "You would have no authority over me at all unless it had been given to you from above" (John 19:11). Ugh. Way to hammer that nail into the coffin, bud.

Jesus is forced to carry his own cross up to the hill where he is crucified -- I'm pretty sure that John is the only Gospel where he has to carry the cross himself. It's also the only one that mentions him wearing a crown of thorns. They nail him up and Pilate puts up a sign in multiple languages that says "Jesus of Nazareth, the King of the Jews." Some people bitch about it, saying that it should say SUPPOSED King of the Jews or something along those lines, but Pilate tells them to fuck off because "what I have written I have written" (John 19:22). In other words, "Bitch, PLEASE, you think I'm doing all that work again?"

Jesus continues to behave in a bizarre and borderline aggressive manner towards his mother up until the very end. When he sees her standing in the crowd, he yells out, "Woman, behold, your son!" (John 19:26). What kind of thing is that to say?! What does that mean? Is it like, "Look, mom, no hands!" or what?

Another note is that there is an unnamed apostle in here who is described as the "beloved disciple" or some variation of that. Some scholars think that it is John, since he is otherwise unmentioned in the book.

Jesus hangs out on the cross for awhile longer, then declares that he's thirsty. Someone passes him some wine on a stick, which I think he drinks, because he says "It is finished," and dies. After his death, some soldier stabs him, presumably just to be a jerk. Like in the synoptics, he is buried by Joseph, although this time Joseph is accompanied by a fellow named Nicodemus instead of Jesus's lady friends.

After the burial, Peter, John, and Mary Magdalene go to visit the tomb and freak out because they can't find Jesus. Mary starts to cry, at which point Jesus appears to her and asks why she is weeping. Assuming he is the GARDENER, she asks if he knows where Jesus's body is; in response he just says her name, and she realizes it's him and gets SUPER PUMPED!

Most of the apostles are equally psyched about the news, but Thomas proves to be a total douchebag about it, saying "Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe" (John 20:25). That's some faith! Luckily for Thomas, Jesus is obliging and lets him do all those things, but he adds, "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed" (John 20:29).

In fairness, maybe we should give Thomas credit for being the only rationalist of the gang. But there's been some pretty spooky stuff happening! With all things considered, maybe he should have given the benefit of the doubt where Jesus was concerned.

In the last chapter, Jesus has a weird conversation with Peter where he asks him to "feed his sheep" which I think means to take care of the church? Who knows!

Next up is Acts. Written by Luke's author, it continues the story from the Gospels, focusing on Christianity's shift from a small Jewish movement to a worldwide movement that was based in Rome and involved Gentiles. It is apparently a pretty Hellenistic tome. Like Luke's Gospel, it is addressed to Theophilus, the "lover of God."

The tale opens with Jesus's ascension into heaven, after which the apostles select a new apostle to replace Judas, named Mattias. We also get a new account of Judas's death; unlike in Matthew, where he hung himself, Luke claims that he used his thirty pieces of silver to buy a field, then tripped and fell and "burst open in the middle and all his bowels gushed out" (Acts 1:18). Geez! That's kind of gruesome, huh?

In chapter 2, the apostles are all chilling together and suddenly they start speaking in tongues. I always thought speaking in tongues meant speaking gibberish, but apparently it actually means that they literally start speaking other languages that they don't know. Pretty cool! Most of the people who witness it are super impressed, but some scoff and say that "they are filled with new wine" (Acts 2:13). Don't you love when you get drunk and start speaking ancient Greek?

After this, Peter makes a speech and converts a bunch of people, who subsequently sell all their possessions and give their money to the church. I like how Jesus's request that people give their money to the POOR somehow got transformed into giving money to the church... Huh...

Apparently Jesus left his magical powers with his disciples, because in chapter 3 John and Peter heal a crippled man, to the amazement of the people. They are subsequently arrested for preaching about Jesus, but Peter -- who has become a lot more badass since Jesus's death -- tells the authorities that they won't stop doing good deeds or preaching about Jesus. They get released, after which all the followers join together to pray for boldness in the face of adversity. I wonder if some of them also prayed for brains or hearts, or to get back to Kansas. Little did they know, they've had the power in their ruby slippers all along.

In chapter 5 the cult vibes reach a new height, when a man named Ananias secretly keeps some of his money instead of giving it all to the church. When Peter and company find out, they chastise him, saying he has "not lied to men but to God" (Acts 5:4) and he FALLS DOWN DEAD! Then the exact same thing happens to his wife. Geez. Don't mess around with this stuff! And definitely don't take any Kool Aid that these guys give you.

The apostles get arrested again, and Peter reiterates his former stance: they're not going to stop talking about Jesus. At first, the priests want to kill the disciples, but a Pharisee named Gamaliel tells them not to. He references false messiahs who incited the people, naming Theudas and Judas the Galilean, both of whom were killed. "If this plan or this undertaking is of man," he tells them, "it will fail; but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them. You might even be found opposing God!" (Acts 5:36-37). Yeah, but... the reason Theudas and Judas the Galilean failed was because the PRIESTS INTERVENED AND KILLED THEM!

YOUR ARGUMENT SUCKS, GAMALIEL!

But I guess without his shitty argument, our story would end here. And that wouldn't be very much fun!

Thank you, Gamaliel, for the eleven extra days of reading!

Day 78, John 7-15

Wow. John has definitely usurped "favorite gospel" status from Luke. It's just so intense and emotional! I WANNA CRY FOREVER!

Today's reading begins during the Feast of Tabernacles, or Sukkot. Jesus's brothers try to convince him to go to Jerusalem with them, but he blows them off because all the Jews are plotting to kill him. Then, like an asshole, he goes later by himself! Why is Jesus such a jerk to his whole family?

Once in Jerusalem, he stupidly draws attention to himself by teaching in the temple. The authorities come to arrest him, but he's like, "Nah guys, can't you do this later?" and they are so baffled by him that no one can manage to do the deed and lock him up. 

In chapter 8, the disciples bring to him a woman who has been "caught in the act of adultery" (John 8:4) and ask if they should stone her to death. Jesus doesn't respond at first, opting instead to draw pretty pictures in the sand with his fingers. Clearly unable to comprehend that he's BUSY!!!, the people keep pestering him, and like a boss Jesus says to them, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her" (John 8:7). He goes back to his doodles, and rather sheepishly, the people file out. Jesus then turns to the woman and tells her that he doesn't condemn her for what she has done.

Jesus proceeds to piss everyone off by making speeches about how he is the "light of the world" and how the "truth will set you free" and all sorts of crazy stuff like that. He says that his followers will have eternal life, which really sets everyone off: "Are you greater than our father Abraham, who died?" they demand. "And the prophets died! Who do you make yourself out to be?" (John 8:52).

In general, the people are a lot more antagonistic towards Jesus in John's gospel than in the synoptics. In chapter 9, he heals a blind man, but no one is willing to believe it. They go to the blind man's family, but fearing exile from the temple, they refuse to give a straight answer about what went down: "He will speak for himself," they say of their son, "because they feared the Jews...[who] agreed that if anyone should confess Jesus to be Christ, he was to be put out of the synagogue" (John 9:21-22). Can I just say that these parents are assholes? When the son tells the truth, HE gets kicked out of the temple instead. Way to fuck over your formerly blind son, guys!

Jesus keeps on making crazy speeches and analogies, comparing himself to a "good shepherd...[who] lays down his life for the sheep" (John 10:11). I've got to say, you'd have to be a pretty devoted shepherd to die for SHEEP, but let's just roll with the metaphor. After his speech, everyone tries to stone Jesus. Everyone is constantly trying to stone Jesus in John's Gospel.

Chapter 11 is full of action, and kicks off with Jesus receiving a message that his pal Lazarus, brother of Mary and Martha, is ill. He tells the disciples that they should all go back to Judea, to which they respond, "Rabbi, the Jews were just now seeking to stone you, and you are going there again?" (John 11:8). That's right, 'cause Jesus DOES WHAT HE WANTS!! By the time the gang arrives in Bethany, however, Lazarus has already been dead for four days. Mary and Martha come out to greet Jesus, and they all cry together, which is kind of sweet. Some of the Jews apparently think so too, remarking, "See how he loved him!" but others are more cynical, asking, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?" (John 11:36-37).

Although Jesus didn't keep Lazarus from dying, he compensates by raising him from the dead. Pretty wild stuff! Here's the obligatory T.S. Eliot reference to the event, from The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock: 

And would it have been worth it, after all,

After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,

Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,

Would it have been worth while,

To have bitten off the matter with a smile,

To have squeezed the universe into a ball

To roll it toward some overwhelming question,

To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,

Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”--

If one, settling a pillow by her head,

Should say: “That is not what I meant at all;

That is not it, at all.”

Wow!!! I freaking love T.S. Eliot!!

Anyway, after this cool little miracle, the plot to kill Jesus thickens over in Jerusalem. The priests debate among themselves about what they should do, fretting that Jesus's prominence will cause the Romans to take away their relative sovereignty over Judea. A high priest named Caiaphas declares that, "It is better for you that one man should die for the people, not that the whole nation should perish" (John 11:50) and this seems to become the adopted stance of the community leaders.

Meanwhile, back in Bethany, the apostles have dinner with Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, and Mary causes a bit of a stir by anointing Jesus with expensive oil. Here, it is Judas Iscariot who criticizes her, noting that the ointment should have been sold for the poor. However, it is noted that he does not actually care about the poor, and is in fact "a thief, and having charge of the moneybag he used to help himself to what was put into it" (John 12:6). What a jerk! Jesus responds with his creepy line about the ointment being for his burial.

Chapter 12 also contains Jesus's "triumphant" entry into Jerusalem, where the people enthusiastically welcome him, although none of them seem to have a whole lot of faith in him. His speeches generally piss people off, and they're always throwing rocks at him. Here, he discusses his messianic role with the people, declaring that, "If anyone hears my words and does not keep them, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world" (John 12:47). You hear that, everyone? Jesus doesn't want to judge us! Well, I assume it probably means he doesn't want to judge us unless we're gay, poor, liberal, or an ethnic minority. That's sort of a given, right?

Next we have the Last Supper, which is such a sad affair. Unlike in the Synoptic Gospels, Jesus does not institute the Eucharist. Instead, he puts on a loincloth and washes the feet of his disciples! At first Peter is like, "Dude, you don't have to do this," but Jesus insists, after which Peter gets really into it: "Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!" (John 13:9).

"Um... No," says Jesus.

After he finishes, Jesus explains his actions to the apostles: "If I, then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you" (John 13:14-15). God, it's so sad! Don't you think this is a sad story? I sure do!!

The betrayal seems to fuse elements from all three of the synoptic Gospels; like Luke, John attributes Judas's betrayal to demonic possession of some kind, but Jesus's response is more like Matthew: "What you are going to do," he tells his friend, "do quickly" (John 13:27).

After Judas leaves, the whole dinner turns into an adorable little love-fest. It's like freaking Woodstock! Jesus tells the apostles, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you are to love one another" (John 13:34). The apostles are both sad and confused by everything that's going on, and Thomas expresses some doubt: "Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?" (John 14:5). Jesus responds that he is "the way, and the truth, and the life" (John 14:6) and that believing in him is synonymous with believing in God.

In chapter 15, Jesus reiterates his commandment that the apostles love each other, adding that "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends... No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you" (John 15:13-15).

Doesn't it all just tear at your heartstrings? Don't you want to claw out your own eyes?

Tomorrow we finish John and start Acts of the Apostles. I actually have never ventured past the Gospels and I have no idea what's coming. Should be exciting.

And hey, less than two weeks left of this! Gee whiz!

Day 77, Luke 22-24, John 1-6

Whoa, sorry for the late freaking entry! I've been on a bit of a bender lately... Last night, for instance, I stayed out until eleven, binge drank soy milk, and baked cookies. The crazy college life... You know how it is. Anyway, I actually completely forgot to read the bible and I've been so lazy all day that it took awhile to get the entry done.

Luke ends interestingly, differing from the other synoptic gospels in a handful of ways. One example is Judas's betrayal; while Mark and Matthew suggest that Judas betrayed Jesus because he wanted money, Luke's author writes that "Satan entered into Judas" (Luke 22:3). Demonic possession! It's just like Harry Potter! Maybe Judas's sandals were a Horcrux or something.

The betrayal scene itself plays out a little differently too, with Jesus asking his pal, "Would you betray the Son of Man with a kiss?" (Luke 22:48). That line has a pretty different vibe from the whole "do what you gotta do" thing in Matthew! Makes you think, huh?

Another Lucan addition comes in the trial; after Pilate "find[s] no guilt in [Jesus]" (Luke 23:4) he sends him to Herod Antipas, the tetrarch of Galilee who happens to be in Jerusalem on vay-cay. Herod questions and mocks him, but Jesus refuses to respond, so Herod dresses him in fancy clothes and sends him back to Pilate. After this, weirdly enough, Herod and Pilate become BFFS FOR LIFE: "And Herod and Pilate became friends with each toher that very day, for before this they had been at enmity with each other" (Luke 23:12). As they say, nothing will bring two people together like hatred for a third person!

As they lead Jesus to the cross, he has a pretty cool line: "Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me, but weep for yourselves and your children" (Luke 23:27). He then alludes to all his "apocalypse is coming" bullshit, but as a stand-alone I really like the line. You can imagine he's telling them to cry for themselves because of their general brutality and inhumanity. PRETTY DEEP SHIT!!!!

In Matthew and Mark, Jesus's last words were "My God, why have you forsaken me?" but here he is a lot more cheerful, saying, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit!" (Luke 23:46). That's nice. I like the exclamation point, it adds some zest.

Luke's author finally clears the air about Joseph the disciple, too. Although he was on the Sanhedrin, it is noted that he was "a good and righteous man, who had not consented to their decision and action; and he was looking for the kingdom of God" (Luke 23:50). Aren't we all, buddy?

Chapter 24 describes Mary Magdalene's encounter with the angels at Jesus's tomb; this time she is accompanied by not only the other Mary, but a woman named Joanna as well. After they hear the good news and relate it to Jesus's other followers, we get a brief story about a man named Cleopas, who is walking with his friend and encounters Zombie Jesus. For some reason he doesn't recognize his old teacher, but the men are generally friendly to Jesus and invite him to dine with them. When they give him bread, they suddenly realize who he is, and he vanishes. Spooky!

The book ends with Jesus being reunited with the apostles, to whom he shows the holes in his hands as proof! Then he asks for food, since I would imagine being crucified would make me hungry, and they give him some bread. Zombie Jesus can apparently still eat. Then he tells them to spread the word of his resurrection and all that, and the tale is over!

The final gospel, John, is not one of the "synoptics" and stands in pretty marked contrast to Matthew, Mark, and Luke; it is generally considered to be more spiritual in nature. Although one might assume it was written by the apostle John, the author is actually unknown. The reason it is so frequently ascribed to John is because John is not mentioned within it, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but how much really does anyway? John's Gospel probably originated in Asia Minor around the end of the first century.

Like Luke, John starts off with a fancy pants prologue, where he states that, "The law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ" (John 1:17). Pretty neat way of putting it! If you glean all the best stuff out of Jesus's ministry, I think that's a good way to describe it. After the introduction, John jumps right into John the Baptist's ministry. Unlike in the other gospels, John the Baptist is not likened to Elijah; he describes himself as "the voice of one crying out in the wilderness, 'Make straight the way of the Lord,' as the prophet Isaiah said" (John 1:23).

John the Baptist recognizes Jesus immediately upon seeing him, pointing out to his disciples, "Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!" (John 1:29). He coerces Andrew and Peter to follow Jesus, and soon after they enlist two pals named Nathanael and Philip. Nathanael is at first hesitant, asking, "Can anything good come out of Nazareth?" (John 1:46). I guess Nazareth must be the Fresno of the middle east or something.

In chapter 2, Jesus goes to a wedding with his mom, who he is a total bitch to. When she mentions to him that the hosts have run out of wine, he rudely asks, "Woman, what does this have to do with me?" (John 2:4). I don't know, Jesus! Maybe she was just trying to make conversation? Despite acting like a jerk, he subsequently endears himself to the wedding guests by turning water into wine so the party can go on! One thing that is made clear about Jesus is that he likes to par-tay.

After the wedding, Jesus goes to Jerusalem and has what I like to refer to as his "Axl Rose moment" in the temple, where he breaks everything and yells at everyone. It is certainly interesting that John places this incident so early in Jesus's ministry, since, as my religious studies professor puts it, going into the temple and throwing a fit is a really good way to ensure that you're dead within a week. When the Jews ask him what the HECK HE THINKS HE'S DOING?!, Jesus tells them to destroy the temple so he can rebuild it in three days. They tell him to stop being so wacky, but John's author notes that in retrospect, the apostles realized that "he was speaking about the temple of his body" (John 2:21). Eerie!

In chapter 3, Jesus makes a little speech about how his followers have to be "born again." I guess that's where they get the term "born again Christian," huh? Jesus's followers are pretty incredulous about this, asking, "How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother's womb and be born?" (John 3:4), to which Jesus replies that the rebirth is more of a spiritual kind of thing.

This chapter also contains a small section that contradicts Jesus's claim in the synoptics that he comes to bring division/a sword instead of peace. Here, he declares that "God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him" (John 3:17). Isn't that nice!

After these fun little chats, Jesus goes to Samaria. While his disciples are off buying food, Jesus hangs out at a well and meets a woman, who he demands give him water. She's all like, "Bitch, why you up in my grill? Don't you know that Samaritans aren't friends with Jews?" but Jesus snaps his fingers in a z-formation and is like, "Bitch please if you knew who I was you'd give me some goddamn water." He then explains that, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again" (John 4:13-14). She thinks this sounds pretty cool, so Jesus tells her to call her husband. She tells him that she doesn't have one, but Jesus already knew this; in fact, he correctly tells her that she has had FIVE husbands, all of whom are presumably dead. Impressed by his magical knowledge, she becomes convinced that he is the messiah. At this point, the apostles come back -- and "marvel that [Jesus is] talking with a woman" (John 4:27), because apparently Jesus doesn't get a lot of action -- and the whole gang accompanies the Samaritan into town, where she tells everyone that he is the messiah.

After this little adventure, Jesus and company go back to Galilee, where they cause quite a stir by healing on the Sabbath and being generally offensive. Most outrageous to the temple officials is the fact that Jesus "[calls] God his own Father, making himself equal with God" (John 5:18).

Chapter 6 contains two of our favorite miracles: Jesus multiplying the bread, and Jesus walking on water. Jesus also makes a very weird speech about how he is the "bread of life": "Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day" (John 6:53-54). Whoa, okay. Jesus is a zombie AND a vampire. This book has everything!

Chapter 6 ends with Jesus's prediction of Judas's betrayal, calling him "a devil" (John 6:70).

John is pretty cool! It's a welcome break from the synoptic Gospels, which were getting kind of old. More of this tomorrow, when I will try to be more prompt!