Today we wrap up Ezekiel and start Daniel, which is pretty cool so far. And now that the last long book is under our belt, I feel like we're really coming to the end of the Old Testament. It's crazy!
The last two chapters of Ezekiel mostly concern the division of the redeemed kingdom; God explains the boundaries, which are similar to those in David's reign, and divvies up the land amongst the tribes. There are still tribes?! Who knew. I guess it was dumb of me to assume that they ceased to exist just because they were almost never mentioned.
There is also a strange little parable at the beginning of chapter 47, where the mysterious angel man leads Ezekiel out of the temple and into a river that is flowing from it. Ezekiel progresses into its depths -- first ankle deep, then knee deep, then waist deep, until finally it is "a river that no one could cross" (Ezekiel 47:5). Yeah, unless they KNOW HOW TO SWIM! Geez Louise. Anyway, the river is a MAGICAL river that's going to turn salt water to fresh water and foster lots of life and so on and so forth, representing Israel's redemption.
Now it's time for Daniel! The obligatory background information: the Book of Daniel takes place during the Babylonian exile and detail the exploits of a young Jew at a foreign court. Daniel, like Joseph, is able to interpret dreams, and the tome divides into two parts: in the first half he interprets the dreams of the Babylonian kings, and in the second part he himself has visions that must be interpreted.
Although the book is set during the Babylonian exile, the content reflects a later time in history, namely the period from around 200 BCE to the Maccabean revolts. By the way, the spellcheck on my internet browser wanted to change "Maccabean" to "Caribbean." Wouldn't that be fun?
Anyway, chapter 1 starts off with the exile, and young Daniel is shipped off with a few of his friends to serve in the Babylonian court. The king, Nebuchadnezzar, changes his name to Belteshazzar, presumably because he CAN. If I was king, I'd probably change everyone's name for fun too. Daniel/Belteshazzar and his pals are given food from the royal kitchen, but Daniel refuses to eat and bids the guard to conduct an experiment: "Please," he requests, "test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink. Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who eat the royal food, and treat your servants in accordance with what you see" (Daniel 1:12-13). At the end of the period, Daniel and his pals are hale and hearty as can be, and as a reward... their good food and wine gets taken away, and is replaced with vegetables? What? This sucks!
The moral, clearly, is to EAT YOUR FREAKIN' VEGETABLES.
In chapter 2 the king has a weird dream and summons his astrologers, telling them that "If you do not tell me what my dream was and interpret it, I will have you cut into pieces and your houses turned into piles of rubble" (Daniel 2:5). In case you missed it, he ISN'T GOING TO TELL THEM WHAT THE DREAM WAS. They have to figure it out themselves! Obviously this is impossible, and the astrologers tell him so, but all it does is upset the king and he orders for all the wise men in the kingdom to be killed. And after the vegetable incident, this includes Daniel. He prays to God for help in interpreting the dream so that he might save his friends and himself.
The next day Daniel goes to Nebuchadnezzar and describes the dream. In it, Nebuchadnezzar saw a big statue with a gold head, bronze torso, and iron and clay feet. A human hand takes the statue and smashes it up. Daniel explains that these parts of the statue all represent different nations; the gold is Babylon, and the iron and bronze are inferior nations that will follow. The hand represents a "kingdom that will never be destroyed... [and] will crush all those kingdoms and bring them to an end" (Daniel 2:44). Neat! Daniel is rewarded for his mad interpreting skills, and rises to a position of authority in the court.
In chapter 3, the king issues a decree that everyone must bow down to a giant statue of him. Since the Jews can't comply with this law, he gets really pissed off and confronts Daniel's three friends, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, threatening to throw them in the furnace. Like the brave little morons they are, they reply that he can do whatever he wants because their God will protect them... probably. Nebuchadnezzar becomes so incensed that he turns up the furnace to seven times its original temperature -- it is in fact so hot that the soldiers who throw the three men into it are killed by the heat -- but when the king looks into the fire, he sees that not only are Daniel's friends still alive, they are joined by a fourth figure. He calls to them and they emerge from the furnace, unharmed. Impressed, Nebuchadnezzar grants them positions of power as well.
Pretty cool stuff!
In chapter 4, Nebuchadnezzar has another dream, this time about a big tree. A messenger then comes and tells him to cut down the tree and leave the stump. Daniel tells the king that he IS the tree, and in order to avoid being chopped down, so to speak, he must repent his sins. Needless to say, Nebuchadnezzar is grateful for the warning.
Rather abruptly, Nebuchadnezzar is succeeded by his son, Belshazzar, who throws a dinner party in chapter 5. At the party, a hand appears from thin air and starts writing on the wall, so Belshazzar summons Daniel to interpret it. The three words -- "Mene, Tekel, Parsin" (Daniel 5:25) -- mean that the new king's reign is coming to an end, and his kingdom will be divided among the Medes and Persians. Well, that sucks.
In spite of the approaching doom, Belshazzar rewards Daniel with cool purple robes and some bling, and is murdered later that night. He is replaced by a chap named Darius the Mede, who quickly takes a liking to Daniel and makes him an administrator. However, the other administrators are jealous and conspire to screw over their Jewish colleague by convincing Darius to issue a decree saying that for thirty days no one can worship any gods but he; if they disobey, they will be thrown into the lion's den. Once again the Jews can't comply, and like the assholes they are, the other administrators rat out Daniel to the king. Darius is quite distressed but his administrators remind him that "according to the law of the Medes and Persians no decree or edict that the king issues can be changed" (Daniel 6:15). Well, what if the king issued an edict saying that the king is allowed to retract edicts? WHAT THEN? And what if you went back in time and killed your own grandfather before your father was born, making it so that you were never born, making it so that you couldn't go back in time and kill your grandfather... Huh? Well?
Remorsefully, Darius obeys his own law and throws Daniel to the lions, hoping that his god will protect him. The next day, he is delighted to find Daniel alive, chilling with his lion pals like they're Calvin and Hobbes. The narc administrators are then thrown to the lions, along with their wives and children (!!), and "before they [reach] the floor of the den, the lions [overpower] them and [crush] all their bones" (Daniel 6:24).
In chapter 7, the last chapter of today's reading, Daniel has a crazy vision about four beasts coming out of the ocean. One of them looks like a lion and receives a human's heart, one looks like a bear and is told to eat flesh, one looks like a leopard and is told that it will rule, and the last is just freaky looking, with ten horns. The weird fourth beast, which crushes and devours the earth with its teeth, represents "a fourth kingdom that will appear on earth...different from all the other kingdoms" (Daniel 7:23). The king of the fourth kingdom will oppress the people, but eventually "his power will be taken away...[and] the sovereignty, power, and greatness of all the kingdoms under heaven will be handed over to the holy people of the Most High. His kingdom will be an everlasting kingdom, and all rulers will worship and obey him" (Daniel 7:26).
Cool! It sounds freakin' awesome! So when is this all going down? Soon? Tomorrow? Should I pack my suitcase?
Yep, aaaaaaaaaany day now.
Showing posts with label Ezekiel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ezekiel. Show all posts
Monday, November 14, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Day 64, Ezekiel 37-46
Ugh. I hate to say it, but I've been having a bit of a motivation problem lately. Today I offered myself an incentive: finish the reading, I said, and you can brush your teeth. This may not seem like a great reward, but I've been eating peanut butter out of the jar all day and that can do a number on your breath. I regret to say that this incentive system had very little effect on me and I wound up sitting in my bed in a state of insufferable stinky-breathdom, languidly searching tumblr when I should have been reading.
Nonetheless, I prevailed! I come to you now with my breath as fresh in my mouth as the words of Ezekiel are in my mind. That's pretty good, huh? I just made that up RIGHT NOW! Move over, Shakespeare!
So the reading... The reading... Remember all those chapters back in Exodus about the Tabernacle and cubits? We've got 'em! I hope you're as excited as I am.
Chapter 37 begins with God telling Ezekiel to make a prophesy to some BONES. Man, Ezekiel always gets stuck doing the weirdest stuff. He tells the bones that they will eventually have flesh and skin and will come to life again; it's all a big metaphor for Israel's redemption. God also indicates here that both Israel and Judah will be redeemed, and will exist once again as one nation.
Chapters 38 and 39 describe the defeat of a nation called Gog, which according to Wikipedia is actually an "eschatological" enemy. I literally JUST learned about eschatology in my Historical Jesus and I am THRILLED to tell you what it means: essentially, study of the end of time. The vision Ezekiel imparts -- where birds "eat the flesh of mighty men and drink the blood of the princes of the earth" (Ezekiel 39:18) -- is supposed to have kinda an apocalyptic vibe. Well, okay! I didn't catch it, but thanks for telling me, Wikipedia!
In chapter 40 God transports Ezekiel to the temple and tells him to take CAREFUL NOTE OF EVERYTHING so he can tell everyone how to rebuild it. The next three chapters consist of mostly measurements. It might just be because I'm tired and delirious and having peanut butter induced hallucinations, but I thought this was pretty freaking funny. For some reason the idea of God transporting Ezekiel to the temple to take boring measurements was anti-climactic in a very amusing sort of way.
The Exodus-y vibes continue throughout the rest of the reading, with God proceeding to give instructions about the new priestly class, among other things. He says that because most of the priests were disobedient and built idols, they are forbidden to enter the inner sanctuary of the temple; only the descendents of Zadok, the righteous priestly class, may do so. These "sons of Zadok" were important in the lore of the so-called Dead Sea Sect, who lived in the caves of Qumran during the Second Temple Period. Pretty neat!
God also forbids foreigners "uncircumcised in heart and flesh" (Ezekiel 44:9) to enter the temple. This rule will be breached by some familiar faces later on; among the transgressors are Antiochus IV of Syria (remember the Hannukah story!) and Roman Prefect Pontius Pilate.
The priests have a set of rules they have to follow, which God lays out for Ezekiel. One of my favorites was the rule saying that "a priest must not defile himself by going near a dead person" (Ezekiel 44:25). My Historical Jesus professor explained that if you didn't like the high priest, and wanted to get him deposed without killing him, all you had to do was throw a corpse on him and he'd be too ritually impure for the office. Hah!
Chapter 45 provides the cubical dimensions of Jerusalem -- how fun! -- and then explains the sacrifices that the prince must make on the Sabbath. I guess there's a prince. Finally, chapter 46 lays down some inheritance laws aaaaaaand, we're done!
Tomorrow we wrap up Ezekiel and start Daniel, who is the last "major" prophet and will occupy us for two days. After that, we've got a barrage of twelve minor prophets who we read in a mere three days, and then it's New Testament time! Yowza. Stay tuned.
Nonetheless, I prevailed! I come to you now with my breath as fresh in my mouth as the words of Ezekiel are in my mind. That's pretty good, huh? I just made that up RIGHT NOW! Move over, Shakespeare!
So the reading... The reading... Remember all those chapters back in Exodus about the Tabernacle and cubits? We've got 'em! I hope you're as excited as I am.
Chapter 37 begins with God telling Ezekiel to make a prophesy to some BONES. Man, Ezekiel always gets stuck doing the weirdest stuff. He tells the bones that they will eventually have flesh and skin and will come to life again; it's all a big metaphor for Israel's redemption. God also indicates here that both Israel and Judah will be redeemed, and will exist once again as one nation.
Chapters 38 and 39 describe the defeat of a nation called Gog, which according to Wikipedia is actually an "eschatological" enemy. I literally JUST learned about eschatology in my Historical Jesus and I am THRILLED to tell you what it means: essentially, study of the end of time. The vision Ezekiel imparts -- where birds "eat the flesh of mighty men and drink the blood of the princes of the earth" (Ezekiel 39:18) -- is supposed to have kinda an apocalyptic vibe. Well, okay! I didn't catch it, but thanks for telling me, Wikipedia!
In chapter 40 God transports Ezekiel to the temple and tells him to take CAREFUL NOTE OF EVERYTHING so he can tell everyone how to rebuild it. The next three chapters consist of mostly measurements. It might just be because I'm tired and delirious and having peanut butter induced hallucinations, but I thought this was pretty freaking funny. For some reason the idea of God transporting Ezekiel to the temple to take boring measurements was anti-climactic in a very amusing sort of way.
The Exodus-y vibes continue throughout the rest of the reading, with God proceeding to give instructions about the new priestly class, among other things. He says that because most of the priests were disobedient and built idols, they are forbidden to enter the inner sanctuary of the temple; only the descendents of Zadok, the righteous priestly class, may do so. These "sons of Zadok" were important in the lore of the so-called Dead Sea Sect, who lived in the caves of Qumran during the Second Temple Period. Pretty neat!
God also forbids foreigners "uncircumcised in heart and flesh" (Ezekiel 44:9) to enter the temple. This rule will be breached by some familiar faces later on; among the transgressors are Antiochus IV of Syria (remember the Hannukah story!) and Roman Prefect Pontius Pilate.
The priests have a set of rules they have to follow, which God lays out for Ezekiel. One of my favorites was the rule saying that "a priest must not defile himself by going near a dead person" (Ezekiel 44:25). My Historical Jesus professor explained that if you didn't like the high priest, and wanted to get him deposed without killing him, all you had to do was throw a corpse on him and he'd be too ritually impure for the office. Hah!
Chapter 45 provides the cubical dimensions of Jerusalem -- how fun! -- and then explains the sacrifices that the prince must make on the Sabbath. I guess there's a prince. Finally, chapter 46 lays down some inheritance laws aaaaaaand, we're done!
Tomorrow we wrap up Ezekiel and start Daniel, who is the last "major" prophet and will occupy us for two days. After that, we've got a barrage of twelve minor prophets who we read in a mere three days, and then it's New Testament time! Yowza. Stay tuned.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Day 63, Ezekiel 26-36
It sort of drags on and on, doesn't it? Some days I don't have the stamina for this project! But I gleaned some interesting tidbits out of these chapters, so stick around.
A good chunk of today's reading consists of prophecies against foreign nations, which weren't even particularly interesting the first time we heard them, and they've been in almost every book since then! In Ezekiel, they are pretty drawn out; first we have a chapter prophesying against Tyre, for instance, then another chapter containing a lament for Tyre, then a third chapter prophesying against the king of Tyre specifically... It gets a little old. The first time I saw this happening -- with Tyre -- I was indignant and wrote in my notes, "Who the hell cares about Tyre?!!" but Egypt gets similar attention. Sidon and Edom, on the other hand, have briefer oracles about them. Where is Sidon, anyway? I don't remember ever reading about it before!
Anyway, the first two chapters of the reading are -- as I said -- about Tyre, and chapter 28 is directed at the king: "You think you are as wise as a god," God tells him. "Are you wiser than Daniel?" (Ezekiel 28:2-3). Whoa! Daniel? What the hell are you doing mentioning Daniel? WE HAVEN'T READ THAT BOOK YET! I NEED A SPOILER ALERT, GODDAMNIT! THIS IS LIKE WHEN SOMEONE TOLD ME THAT HEDWIG DIES BEFORE I'D READ THE SEVENTH HARRY POTTER BOOK!
Anyway, in chapter 29 the focus shifts to Egypt, which God plans to make into "a lowly kingdom" that will serve as a "reminder of [the Israelites'] sin in turning to her for help" (Ezekiel 29:14-16). That is so bitchy! It's not Egypt's fault that Israel asked it for help, why should Egypt get punished?
I know we've already talked about this and I made a joke about eyeliner, but if the bible can repeat itself over and over again, SO CAN I.
Chapter 30 is the lament over Egypt. God talks about all the upcoming doom, saying that he will "destroy the idols and put an end to the images in Memphis" (Ezekiel 30:13). Whoa, really? Even Graceland? That's harsh! What'd Elvis ever do to you, God?
The chapter ends with God breaking the Pharaoh's arm, which might be a metaphor for Pharaoh losing his power -- since someone with a broken arm can't hold a sword -- but it also might just be literal. God does shit like that, you know.
Chapter 31 contains a fun little metaphor about Egypt as a cedar tree that grows too tall and proud, so it gets cut down by foreigners. Goddamn illegal immigrants takin' our jobs and cutting down our metaphorical trees! I've had enough!
Next we have a DIRGE over Egypt, because apparently the lament is not enough. What's the difference between a lament and a dirge? Aren't they synonyms?
Why do we care so much about Egypt all of a sudden, anyway? I'm so confused!
Chapter 33 starts off with a discussion about how people can redeem themselves in God's eyes through acting righteous and repenting. This is actually an important development, since it implies a degree of free will; people are not chained to their earlier decisions, and a "bad" person can become good just as easily as a "good" person can be led astray.
After this speech, a man comes and informs the exiles that Jerusalem has fallen, an event that Ezekiel had predicted the night before because he's such a killer prophet.
I got really excited over chapter 34 because it turns out I've already read it! It was assigned early in the year for my Historical Jesus class, when we were learning about the idea of kingship in Judaism. God describes himself as a "shepherd" over the Israelites, proclaiming that he will "look after [his] sheep...[and] rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness" (Ezekiel 34:12). He scorns human leadership, suggesting that it is always corrupt, whereas his own leadership is ideal. The gist of this, as far as I can tell, is that God is done messing around with stupid kings. Having read Kings and Chronicles, I can't say I blame him! Besides, we Americans know that kings are almost always JERKS who put taxes on tea and stuff. Who needs 'em?!!
Chapter 35 is a boring prophecy against Edom, and then in chapter 36 God sends Ezekiel to address a MOUNTAIN. Can't you just imagine this poor doofus standing in front of a mountain, reciting prophecies to it? What a dork! But in spite of how weird this assignment is, Ezekiel completes it diligently, telling the mountain that "you... will produce branches and fruit for my people Israel, for they will soon come home" (Ezekiel 36:8). Basically, God is determined to redeem Israel even though, in his own words, "their conduct was like a woman's monthly uncleanness in my sight" (Ezekiel 36:17).
You gotta hand it to that God guy. He can be a jerk sometimes, but he sure has a knack with words.
A good chunk of today's reading consists of prophecies against foreign nations, which weren't even particularly interesting the first time we heard them, and they've been in almost every book since then! In Ezekiel, they are pretty drawn out; first we have a chapter prophesying against Tyre, for instance, then another chapter containing a lament for Tyre, then a third chapter prophesying against the king of Tyre specifically... It gets a little old. The first time I saw this happening -- with Tyre -- I was indignant and wrote in my notes, "Who the hell cares about Tyre?!!" but Egypt gets similar attention. Sidon and Edom, on the other hand, have briefer oracles about them. Where is Sidon, anyway? I don't remember ever reading about it before!
Anyway, the first two chapters of the reading are -- as I said -- about Tyre, and chapter 28 is directed at the king: "You think you are as wise as a god," God tells him. "Are you wiser than Daniel?" (Ezekiel 28:2-3). Whoa! Daniel? What the hell are you doing mentioning Daniel? WE HAVEN'T READ THAT BOOK YET! I NEED A SPOILER ALERT, GODDAMNIT! THIS IS LIKE WHEN SOMEONE TOLD ME THAT HEDWIG DIES BEFORE I'D READ THE SEVENTH HARRY POTTER BOOK!
Anyway, in chapter 29 the focus shifts to Egypt, which God plans to make into "a lowly kingdom" that will serve as a "reminder of [the Israelites'] sin in turning to her for help" (Ezekiel 29:14-16). That is so bitchy! It's not Egypt's fault that Israel asked it for help, why should Egypt get punished?
I know we've already talked about this and I made a joke about eyeliner, but if the bible can repeat itself over and over again, SO CAN I.
Chapter 30 is the lament over Egypt. God talks about all the upcoming doom, saying that he will "destroy the idols and put an end to the images in Memphis" (Ezekiel 30:13). Whoa, really? Even Graceland? That's harsh! What'd Elvis ever do to you, God?
The chapter ends with God breaking the Pharaoh's arm, which might be a metaphor for Pharaoh losing his power -- since someone with a broken arm can't hold a sword -- but it also might just be literal. God does shit like that, you know.
Chapter 31 contains a fun little metaphor about Egypt as a cedar tree that grows too tall and proud, so it gets cut down by foreigners. Goddamn illegal immigrants takin' our jobs and cutting down our metaphorical trees! I've had enough!
Next we have a DIRGE over Egypt, because apparently the lament is not enough. What's the difference between a lament and a dirge? Aren't they synonyms?
Why do we care so much about Egypt all of a sudden, anyway? I'm so confused!
Chapter 33 starts off with a discussion about how people can redeem themselves in God's eyes through acting righteous and repenting. This is actually an important development, since it implies a degree of free will; people are not chained to their earlier decisions, and a "bad" person can become good just as easily as a "good" person can be led astray.
After this speech, a man comes and informs the exiles that Jerusalem has fallen, an event that Ezekiel had predicted the night before because he's such a killer prophet.
I got really excited over chapter 34 because it turns out I've already read it! It was assigned early in the year for my Historical Jesus class, when we were learning about the idea of kingship in Judaism. God describes himself as a "shepherd" over the Israelites, proclaiming that he will "look after [his] sheep...[and] rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness" (Ezekiel 34:12). He scorns human leadership, suggesting that it is always corrupt, whereas his own leadership is ideal. The gist of this, as far as I can tell, is that God is done messing around with stupid kings. Having read Kings and Chronicles, I can't say I blame him! Besides, we Americans know that kings are almost always JERKS who put taxes on tea and stuff. Who needs 'em?!!
Chapter 35 is a boring prophecy against Edom, and then in chapter 36 God sends Ezekiel to address a MOUNTAIN. Can't you just imagine this poor doofus standing in front of a mountain, reciting prophecies to it? What a dork! But in spite of how weird this assignment is, Ezekiel completes it diligently, telling the mountain that "you... will produce branches and fruit for my people Israel, for they will soon come home" (Ezekiel 36:8). Basically, God is determined to redeem Israel even though, in his own words, "their conduct was like a woman's monthly uncleanness in my sight" (Ezekiel 36:17).
You gotta hand it to that God guy. He can be a jerk sometimes, but he sure has a knack with words.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Day 62, Ezekiel 16-25
I don't believe I'm doing this right now, since I've spent the entire day writing a term paper and I am mentally exhausted. But my devotion to this project knows no bounds, and the universe decided to reward me tonight by giving me a very raunchy reading! I'm digging this Ezekiel cat so far!
Chapter 16 kicks off with a very sex-laden metaphor about Israel being a woman. As a child, God finds "her" in the road covered in blood and helps her recover. When Israel gets "old enough for love" he "spread[s] the corner of his garment over [her] and cover[s her] naked body" (Ezekiel 16:8). Then they "enter into a covenant" which totally means they HAVE SEX in the context of this metaphor. Hee hee! Sex!!!!
Quite unfortunately, after Israel is such hot stuff she becomes a prostitute by making idols, which totally pisses God off. He says he is going to "deliver [Israel] into the hands of [her] lovers and they will tear down [her] mounds and destroy [her] lofty shrines" (Ezekiel 16:39). Well, that's what you get for being a dirty stinkin' WHORE!
Chapter 17 contains a parable about some eagles or something... The point is that the Israelites are going to get exiled. There's another parable about a cooking pot in chapter 24 that has a similar point. God really likes to repeat himself but mix it up by using animals, inanimate objects, and hookers to explain what he's thinking.
Chapter 18 is kind of interesting, because it's all about how God does not hold children responsible for the sins of their parents, and vice-versa. At one point he says, "Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked?" and then after a pause rephrases, "Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live?" (Ezekiel 18:23). Hah! He had to alter the sentence because we all know he loves smiting people.
Chapter 19 is a lament, featuring some lions and vineyards, the typical fare. Then chapter 20 contains a little synopsis of everything that's happened in the bible so far, focusing on the theme of disobedience. It's not really hard to do since I don't think the Jews have ever been particularly well behaved in this book.
Even though it's not mentioned in the footnotes, I felt like chapter 21 had a bit of a messianic vibe. God recites a little poem about swords to suggest approaching catastrophe, concluding, "It will not be as it was: the lowly will be exalted and the exalted will be brought low. A ruin! A ruin! I will make it a ruin! The crown will not be restored until he to whom it rightfully belongs shall come; to him I will give it" (Ezekiel 21:26-27). Could that person be, perhaps, THE MESSIAH? Ziggy Stardust? Who knows!
God uses a lot of metaphors in Ezekiel; in chapter 22, he compares the people to bits of scrap metal and Jerusalem to a furnace, where he will "gather [the Israelites] and will blow on [them] with [his] fiery wrath, and [they] will be melted inside" (Ezekiel 22:21). In other words, God is REALLY pissed. I know he's pissed all the time, but I think they've pretty much got him at his limit right now.
Chapter 23 contains an even raunchier sex metaphor than the first one, comparing Samaria and Israel to two daughters named Oholah and Oholibah respectively. Cool names. God explains that they were both prostitutes in Egypt, where "their breasts were fondled and their virgin bosoms caressed" (Ezekiel 23:3). Excuse me, Biblical Author, but if they're prostitutes wouldn't "virgin" not be a very good adjective to describe their bosoms?
Anyway, Oholah aka Samaria lusts after the Assyrians, so God delivers her to them and they "[strip] her naked...and [kill] her with the sword" (Ezekiel 23:10). Oholibah, on the other hand, is even MORE depraved, and "lust[s] after lovers, whose genitals [are] like those of donkeys and whose emission [is] like that of horses" (Ezekiel 23:20). Whoa! Why wasn't this in my illustrated children's bible when I was growing up? That would have kept me interested.
Anyway, the moral of the story is DON'T BE A SICK PROSTITUTE.
In chapter 24 God is a total jerk and kills Ezekiel's wife, bidding him not mourn the tragedy in the traditional manner (ie ripping his clothes, beating on his breast, tearing out his beard, etc... these biblical folk tend to be very dramatic!) When the people ask him why he is behaving so oddly, God explains that "Ezekiel will be a sign to you; you will do just as he has done" (Ezekiel 24:24). In other words, the Jews aren't supposed to mourn the destruction of Judah. That's kind of a mean way to make a point, God!
Chapter 25 is a whole new bunch of punishments for other nations, which we've heard a million times. I'm exhausted and don't want to go into it. But anyway, I hope you liked today's reading as much as I did! Sex! Violence! Could we really ask for more?
Chapter 16 kicks off with a very sex-laden metaphor about Israel being a woman. As a child, God finds "her" in the road covered in blood and helps her recover. When Israel gets "old enough for love" he "spread[s] the corner of his garment over [her] and cover[s her] naked body" (Ezekiel 16:8). Then they "enter into a covenant" which totally means they HAVE SEX in the context of this metaphor. Hee hee! Sex!!!!
Quite unfortunately, after Israel is such hot stuff she becomes a prostitute by making idols, which totally pisses God off. He says he is going to "deliver [Israel] into the hands of [her] lovers and they will tear down [her] mounds and destroy [her] lofty shrines" (Ezekiel 16:39). Well, that's what you get for being a dirty stinkin' WHORE!
Chapter 17 contains a parable about some eagles or something... The point is that the Israelites are going to get exiled. There's another parable about a cooking pot in chapter 24 that has a similar point. God really likes to repeat himself but mix it up by using animals, inanimate objects, and hookers to explain what he's thinking.
Chapter 18 is kind of interesting, because it's all about how God does not hold children responsible for the sins of their parents, and vice-versa. At one point he says, "Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked?" and then after a pause rephrases, "Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live?" (Ezekiel 18:23). Hah! He had to alter the sentence because we all know he loves smiting people.
Chapter 19 is a lament, featuring some lions and vineyards, the typical fare. Then chapter 20 contains a little synopsis of everything that's happened in the bible so far, focusing on the theme of disobedience. It's not really hard to do since I don't think the Jews have ever been particularly well behaved in this book.
Even though it's not mentioned in the footnotes, I felt like chapter 21 had a bit of a messianic vibe. God recites a little poem about swords to suggest approaching catastrophe, concluding, "It will not be as it was: the lowly will be exalted and the exalted will be brought low. A ruin! A ruin! I will make it a ruin! The crown will not be restored until he to whom it rightfully belongs shall come; to him I will give it" (Ezekiel 21:26-27). Could that person be, perhaps, THE MESSIAH? Ziggy Stardust? Who knows!
God uses a lot of metaphors in Ezekiel; in chapter 22, he compares the people to bits of scrap metal and Jerusalem to a furnace, where he will "gather [the Israelites] and will blow on [them] with [his] fiery wrath, and [they] will be melted inside" (Ezekiel 22:21). In other words, God is REALLY pissed. I know he's pissed all the time, but I think they've pretty much got him at his limit right now.
Chapter 23 contains an even raunchier sex metaphor than the first one, comparing Samaria and Israel to two daughters named Oholah and Oholibah respectively. Cool names. God explains that they were both prostitutes in Egypt, where "their breasts were fondled and their virgin bosoms caressed" (Ezekiel 23:3). Excuse me, Biblical Author, but if they're prostitutes wouldn't "virgin" not be a very good adjective to describe their bosoms?
Anyway, Oholah aka Samaria lusts after the Assyrians, so God delivers her to them and they "[strip] her naked...and [kill] her with the sword" (Ezekiel 23:10). Oholibah, on the other hand, is even MORE depraved, and "lust[s] after lovers, whose genitals [are] like those of donkeys and whose emission [is] like that of horses" (Ezekiel 23:20). Whoa! Why wasn't this in my illustrated children's bible when I was growing up? That would have kept me interested.
Anyway, the moral of the story is DON'T BE A SICK PROSTITUTE.
In chapter 24 God is a total jerk and kills Ezekiel's wife, bidding him not mourn the tragedy in the traditional manner (ie ripping his clothes, beating on his breast, tearing out his beard, etc... these biblical folk tend to be very dramatic!) When the people ask him why he is behaving so oddly, God explains that "Ezekiel will be a sign to you; you will do just as he has done" (Ezekiel 24:24). In other words, the Jews aren't supposed to mourn the destruction of Judah. That's kind of a mean way to make a point, God!
Chapter 25 is a whole new bunch of punishments for other nations, which we've heard a million times. I'm exhausted and don't want to go into it. But anyway, I hope you liked today's reading as much as I did! Sex! Violence! Could we really ask for more?
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Day 61, Ezekiel 1-15
Today we begin Ezekiel! This is actually the last long book of the Old Testament and will occupy us through the weekend, but after that nothing will take longer than two days. Wow! It's hard to believe how far we've come.
Like Jeremiah and Isaiah, Ezekiel began his ministry before the fall of Jerusalem and continued into the exile. The book is divided roughly into three sections -- judgement on Judah, judgement on other nations, and future blessings for Israel -- and thematically seems to differ very little from the other "prophetic" books we've read. However, the language is very vivid and so far I've found Ezekiel at least a little more compelling than his contemporaries. Also of note: in most translations, God refers to Ezekiel as "son of man" which is pretty cool. Unfortunately, in my version he uses the phrase "O Man." That's really stupid; I can't stop thinking that God is just going, "Oh man, oh geez!" all the time.
The book begins with Ezekiel's "calling," which includes a very trippy vision of God appearing in a flaming chariot, accompanied by four weird looking cherubim with animal faces. God tells Ezekiel to do his bidding, be brave, etc, then hands him a scroll and tells him to EAT IT. Ezekiel obliges and "it taste[s] as sweet as honey" (Ezekiel 3:3). After the paper eating debacle, he goes into a house and ties himself up, "putting the weight of Israel's punishment [on his left side]" (Ezekiel 4:4). God instructs him to remain in this condition for THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY DAYS to symbolize the three hundred and ninety years of Israel's punishment. Afterwards, he has to switch sides and do another forty days for Judah. Jesus Christ!
For nourishment during this time, Ezekiel is supposed to eat "wheat, barley, beans, lentils, millet, and vetches" mixed in one bowl and publicly "baked like barley cakes, with human dung as fuel" (Ezekiel 4:9-12). Ezekiel protests that he has never been ritually impure in his life, so God agrees to let him cook the cakes with cow dung instead of human dung. What a nice guy!
I'm also not sure how he can cook this food in public if he's supposed to be lying on the ground tied up, but maybe I missed something.
In chapter 5 Ezekiel has to shave his beard and hair using a sword and "divide the hair into three lots" (Ezekiel 5:2). When the siege comes he has to burn one set of hair, scatter one set around the city, and throw the last set into the wind. Isn't this fun? There is more talk of people eating their children and other approaching doom as well, occupying the better part of chapters 6 and 7. In chapter 8 a strange man appears -- who "from the waist down [seems] to be all fire and from the waist up... shine[s] and glitter[s] like brass" (Ezekiel 8:2) -- and takes Ezekiel to the temple, where he has a nice chat with God. Some other men enter the temple and God instructs one of them to go through the city, physically marking anyone who is pious. The others he instructs to find those without the mark and "kill and destroy [them], men old and young, girls, little children, and women" (Ezekiel 9:6). That'll teach you to be SINNERS, little girls of Jerusalem!
In chapter 10, God leaves the temple, making a pretty showy display with his cherubim -- but the gist of the scene is that he is abandoning Judah, and abandonment by God is the worst punishment conceivable in biblical times. I can see why, considering he's such an amicable guy. Who doesn't want him around?
Chapters 12 through 14 talk about prophets and how tough it is for the people to distinguish between real prophets and false ones, blah blah blah. Basically everyone is screwed. You get it by now.
Today's reading ended with a nice little parable about a vine in a forest surrounded by big trees. Israel is the vine, cultivated by God and generally useless, especially "when burnt and charred by fire" (Ezekiel 13:5). The message of the story, as far as I can tell, is that GOD'S GONNA FUCK YOU UP, ISRAEL!
YEAH!!!
Like Jeremiah and Isaiah, Ezekiel began his ministry before the fall of Jerusalem and continued into the exile. The book is divided roughly into three sections -- judgement on Judah, judgement on other nations, and future blessings for Israel -- and thematically seems to differ very little from the other "prophetic" books we've read. However, the language is very vivid and so far I've found Ezekiel at least a little more compelling than his contemporaries. Also of note: in most translations, God refers to Ezekiel as "son of man" which is pretty cool. Unfortunately, in my version he uses the phrase "O Man." That's really stupid; I can't stop thinking that God is just going, "Oh man, oh geez!" all the time.
The book begins with Ezekiel's "calling," which includes a very trippy vision of God appearing in a flaming chariot, accompanied by four weird looking cherubim with animal faces. God tells Ezekiel to do his bidding, be brave, etc, then hands him a scroll and tells him to EAT IT. Ezekiel obliges and "it taste[s] as sweet as honey" (Ezekiel 3:3). After the paper eating debacle, he goes into a house and ties himself up, "putting the weight of Israel's punishment [on his left side]" (Ezekiel 4:4). God instructs him to remain in this condition for THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY DAYS to symbolize the three hundred and ninety years of Israel's punishment. Afterwards, he has to switch sides and do another forty days for Judah. Jesus Christ!
For nourishment during this time, Ezekiel is supposed to eat "wheat, barley, beans, lentils, millet, and vetches" mixed in one bowl and publicly "baked like barley cakes, with human dung as fuel" (Ezekiel 4:9-12). Ezekiel protests that he has never been ritually impure in his life, so God agrees to let him cook the cakes with cow dung instead of human dung. What a nice guy!
I'm also not sure how he can cook this food in public if he's supposed to be lying on the ground tied up, but maybe I missed something.
In chapter 5 Ezekiel has to shave his beard and hair using a sword and "divide the hair into three lots" (Ezekiel 5:2). When the siege comes he has to burn one set of hair, scatter one set around the city, and throw the last set into the wind. Isn't this fun? There is more talk of people eating their children and other approaching doom as well, occupying the better part of chapters 6 and 7. In chapter 8 a strange man appears -- who "from the waist down [seems] to be all fire and from the waist up... shine[s] and glitter[s] like brass" (Ezekiel 8:2) -- and takes Ezekiel to the temple, where he has a nice chat with God. Some other men enter the temple and God instructs one of them to go through the city, physically marking anyone who is pious. The others he instructs to find those without the mark and "kill and destroy [them], men old and young, girls, little children, and women" (Ezekiel 9:6). That'll teach you to be SINNERS, little girls of Jerusalem!
In chapter 10, God leaves the temple, making a pretty showy display with his cherubim -- but the gist of the scene is that he is abandoning Judah, and abandonment by God is the worst punishment conceivable in biblical times. I can see why, considering he's such an amicable guy. Who doesn't want him around?
Chapters 12 through 14 talk about prophets and how tough it is for the people to distinguish between real prophets and false ones, blah blah blah. Basically everyone is screwed. You get it by now.
Today's reading ended with a nice little parable about a vine in a forest surrounded by big trees. Israel is the vine, cultivated by God and generally useless, especially "when burnt and charred by fire" (Ezekiel 13:5). The message of the story, as far as I can tell, is that GOD'S GONNA FUCK YOU UP, ISRAEL!
YEAH!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)