Day 84, 1 Corinthians 10-16, 2 Corinthians 1-8

I think pretty soon the bible and I are going to need to sit down and have a talk. "It's not you," I'll say to the  bible. "It's me. I'm sorry, baby, but this just isn't fun anymore."

Whereas in my early days of bible blogging I was youthful and enthusiastic, absorbing verses at the speed of light and delighting in any reference to sexual deviance or weird violence, now I feel that I'm just going through the motions. The joy is gone. It takes me twice as long to read these passages because I get distracted doing dumb stuff, like looking at pictures of puppies and kittens together.

OMG!!!!

Anyway, Corinthians... Corinthians...  Right.

In chapter 10, Paul talks about how you shouldn't pray to idols. WOW, THAT'S REALLY FUCKING ORIGINAL, PAUL! I DON'T THINK I'VE HEARD THAT ONCE IN THE ENTIRE BIBLE! THANKS FOR CLUING ME IN... ASSHOLE!!!!!!

After that enlightening interlude, we get more stuff about the subordination of women. The passage in question is kind of weird, which is always a good thing: "I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband and the head of Christ is God. Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head, but every wife who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head, since it is the same as if her head were shaven" (1 Corinthians 10:3-4). So basically, men should never wear hats, and women should always wear hats. He also goes on to say that men should keep their hair short and women should keep their hair long.

But... I was gonna flow it, show it, long as God can grow it, my haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaair!!!!! Oh well.

Paul also explains the Eucharist here, which is old hat for us contemporary bible scholars, but chronologically this is actually the first surviving reference to the ritual. His version of the rite is more reminiscent of Luke's version, not that any synoptic tradition about the Last Supper is particularly deviant.

Paul goes on to talk about spiritual gifts, emphasizing that all otherworldly powers are given by God, and then in chapter 13 we get a nice little sermon on LOVE that is so pleasant it actually made me sort of like reading the bible again, for about ten seconds. You know it: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude... Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). I'm sure you've heard some of this before, and if you haven't, it's short so read it yourself! It'll be worth it!

After that sweet little passage, Paul goes back to being boring as fuck and talks about how to prophesy is better than to speak in tongues, since everyone can understand prophecy but no one is going to know what you're saying about if you're speaking in tongues. He also re-expresses his enlightened view of women by saying, "the woman should keep silent in the churches... for they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission" (1 Corinthians 14:34). Well. You're a regular Susan B. Anthony, aren't you, Paul?!!

In chapter 15, Paul addresses a troubling logical gap in his ministry's teaching: "If there is no resurrection of the dead," he says, "then not even Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain" (1 Corinthians 15:13-14). Ooh. That's a tough one! Paul remedies the situation by explaining that OBVIOUSLY resurrection is real because Jesus rose from the dead and so how can you not believe in it? Wait a minute... What'd he do there?

My doubts are sure assuaged!!!

Paul also totally rips of J.K. Rowling, telling the Corinthians that "The last enemy to be destroyed is death" (1 Corinthians 15:26). As you may remember, this was inscribed on the grave of Lily and James Potter in Godric's Hollow.

After ALL THIS FUN, Paul bids farewell to his Greek friends and the letter ends! Time for letter #2!

So, a bit of background. From what I can gather, Paul wrote his first letter from Ephesus, a Turkish city, after visiting Corinth for the first time. He goes back to visit again and has a not-so-pleasant trip; there was a baby crying next to him on the airplane, he got food poisoning at a Corinthian deli, and a homeless man spit on his shoes. It was just a real disappointment. Anyway, after that he wrote a pretty pissed off letter to the Corinthian people, which has since been lost. And since time heals all wounds, Paul eventually penned 2 Corinthians, expressing his desire to return to the city for a third visit.

Probably because I'm bored to death of reading the bible, I didn't find a lot of interesting material in 2 Corinthians. Paul is basically reiterating stuff he's already said, defending his own actions as an apostle, and at the same time reassuring the Corinthians that he still thinks they're nice. Big themes are -- once again -- the separation of the spirit from the body, and the importance of faith.

One passage I particularly enjoyed was in chapter 7; Paul seems mildly apologetic about his earlier anger, but justifies his actions by saying "even if I made you grieve with my letter, I do not regret it... I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting" (2 Corinthians 7:8-9).

Is this the origin of Catholic guilt?!

Gee whiz! Well, more tomorrow. We've got another week of this. Hot dog.

Day 83, Romans 10-16, 1 Corinthians 1-9

Wow. Lately it's been like pulling teeth getting myself to sit down and read the stinkin' bible. Seven more days! I love you, bible, but it's been going on a long time. I think I am ready for this relationship to end.

Paul's letter to the Romans doesn't provide us with anything too scandalous or different from yesterday; he tells people not to concern themselves with judging others, to believe in God/Jesus, etc, etc. He emphasizes that God is not abandoning the Jews by allowing Gentiles into the church, but that they are "cut from what is by nature a wild olive tree, and grafted, contrary to nature, into a cultivated olive tree" (Romans 11:24). Sounds good. I can get on board with this.

Chapter 12 contains a very nice little verse, reminiscent of the Beatitudes and ending with the line, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21). That's so nice! Why can't the whole bible be like that?

Whatever good will I was feeling towards Paul after chapter 12 evaporated in chapter 13, when he tells his readers to submit to authority, because human authority figures represent divine authority figures... or something... "One must be in subjection," he writes, "not only to avoid God's wrath but also for the sake of conscience" (Romans 13:5). This chapter ends with a teaser of things to come; Paul bids that we "walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy" (Romans 13:13).

There'll be a lot more where that came from in Corinthians!

He wraps up Romans by telling his readers to respect their friends' opinions, and to not "make another stumble" (Romans 14:20). Then he bids that his reader say hello to ALL HIS FRIENDS IN ROME, who he lists by name and occupation, and says sayonara!

Paul's letter to the Corinthians provides us with one of our earliest depictions of the Christian church; here we get our first glimpse at the Eucharist, the resurrection, and assorted other fun teachings from that motley crew of apostles. Let's dive right in!

In chapter 1, Paul makes an interesting cultural distinction between Jews and Greeks: "For Jews demand signs," he writes, "and Greeks seek wisdom...but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, [we preach] Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God" (1 Corinthians 1:22-24). In other words, Jesus is fun for the whole family!

Paul talks about his role in the Christian tradition, explaining that "though you have countless guides in Christ, you do not have many fathers" (1 Corinthians 4:15). He considers himself to be the "father" of the church and bids that the people obey him as children. He also emphasizes that he has little significance as an individual because although he "planted... only God... gives the growth" (1 Corinthians 3:6-7).

Another big theme here is the separation of the physical world and the spiritual world. Paul makes his point by warning against assorted impurities of the flesh, particularly SEXUAL DEVIANCE. Oh yes, this is pretty fun. Although he just got through telling us that we're not supposed to judge each other, he changes tact and says that any kind of sexual immorality should not be tolerated, and perverts should not be associated with! In fact, they should be "deliver[ed]... to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord" (1 Corinthians 5:5). Geez Louise.

Transgressors who will be subject to this treatment, by the way, include "the sexually immoral... idolaters... adulterers... men who practice homosexuality... thieves... the greedy... drunkards... revilers... [and] swindlers" (1 Corinthians 6:9). I think this is the second time in both Testaments that homosexuality has been explicitly labeled as a sin, if you Westboro Baptist Church members out in the audience want to jot down some notes for when you make your next set of signs.

Paul explains that just as a man and a prostitute "[become] one body" (1 Corinthians 6:16), a pious man can be joined to God as one spirit. That's kind of a neat (and weird) metaphor, I guess.

If you think this is fun now, just wait. It gets even better! Paul explains that because men are so feeble and lacking in self control, if they must succumb to base instincts, they are permitted to take wives: "Do not deprive one another," he writes, "except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come back together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control" (1 Corinthians 7:5). Paul forbids divorce, and mentions that in general it's better not to get married at all. He seems convinced that the "end of days" is approaching, noting that "the present form of this world is passing away" (1 Corinthians 7:31) and it is therefore pointless to get married when so little time remains.

Some other points, before I sign off: Paul tells people not to get circumcised if they aren't already, and rather to "remain in the condition in which [they were] called [to Jesus]" (1 Corinthians 7:20). He also says that if you are married to a nonbeliever, your belief "saves" them, and your children are "holy." It's sort of like how if a wizard or witch marries a muggle, their kids can still go to Hogwarts!

That's it for today. I'm bored and we've covered pretty much everything of interest.

ONE WEEK LEFT OF THIS!!! STAY GOLD PONYBOY!!